Abuser is "such a nice guy"

[Confuddled1983]

I won't go into detail but I suffered emotional/mental abuse in my past relationship. I'm healing now.

 

What I feel hinders my healing is people saying "He's a nice guy isn't he?" and people generally thinking the sun shines out of his (_!_)

 

Some people know, very few, what he is like. He's a narcissist so has perfected "charming" .

 

I just wondered how many other people feel the same? Does it hinder your healing too? How do you deal with it when people say "Oh he's a lovely person, so friendly and helpful"? - I mean I get it, I thought that once too. It just aggravates me and makes me feel like he was right, no one would believe me.

 

I'm lucky in the sense that I had several family members listen into certain phone calls where he admitted doing certain things to me so they know what I went through is very real, but it's hard, I want to scream "NO, NO he is NOT a nice person, he is a nasty sly vindictive piece of work!" - I know in the long run that's probably shooting myself in the foot and really not worth it

 

Is this just me?

[GemmaUK]

Mine wasn't as mean as yours from what I can gather from your post but he was controlling, needy, would brag, wasn't kind at all about some of his friends and family ...but appeared to be a 'very nice guy' on the outside and in the first month or so was very charming toward me.

I got out pretty quickly as I was just always in the wrong and it was exhausting plus he needed my attention just about every waking moment.

 

A few mutual friends who were closer to me than him noticed one or two things about him that were a bit dubious. They only told me since we split.

 

I'm dealing with it all just now - as in getting it out of my mind but I need to process it first and wanted to learn how not to get involved with a man like that again.

I'm reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L Brown.

I'm only part way through so far but it had some great reviews and it's making a lot of sense.

[Eau Claire]

Unfortunately the realism is in the details. It shapes our view of a situation.

 

Behaviours like control, abuse, bullying, etc. are along a continuum. Sociopathic and destructive all the way to socially accepted learned behaviour.

 

It is good to receive empathy from others but not everyone will be empathetic. It's therapeutic to have others acknowledge that you are normal and have had to cope with a difficult relationship...you are normal and sane. The part two is then you yourself putting the situation into perspective so it does not become a pattern.

[M30USA]

Please provide a few specific examples of his abuse.

 

In general, I think most abusers would consider themselves nice, swell people. All human beings do. It's not limited to any groups. The Bible says, "All of a person's ways are right in his own eyes, but The Lord alone weighs the heart."

 

My ex-wife was physically violent and had rage like I didn't know was possible in a woman. Yet her father in court actually referred to their collective family as "super nice". I laugh about that to this day. I guess he's exercising his faith and, as Bible says, "calling those things which are not as if they are". (Gotta love Scriptural hijacking and misapplication.)

[Confuddled1983]

Please provide a few specific examples of his abuse.

 

In general, I think most abusers would consider themselves nice, swell people. All human beings do. It's not limited to any groups. The Bible says, "All of a person's ways are right in his own eyes, but The Lord alone weighs the heart."

 

My ex-wife was physically violent and had rage like I didn't know was possible in a woman. Yet her father in court actually referred to their collective family as "super nice". I laugh about that to this day. I guess he's exercising his faith and, as Bible says, "calling those things which are not as if they are". (Gotta love Scriptural hijacking and misapplication.)

 

Okay. For example he told me he was meeting up with men he met online on a gay website, was going into the woods with them for sex behind my back. Then he said this wasn't true and he made it up. Next day he said it was true again. - He did this about several different things, of course this caused ongoing emotional distress.

 

He continually put me down and stated I was "crazy" and that no one would believe a word I say.

 

He said I made him lie to me (over and over again). That everyone lies to me, that everyone has to lie to me because of the way I am.

 

He would lie about my family - he said a family member of mine had been into his work and told him they had serious concerns about my parenting and were contacting social services. Of course he didn't state which family member, about a week later he admitted he made it up to "get at me".

 

He grabbed me by the throat and threatened to kill me.

 

When he would get aggressive and intimidating I would grab my phone and try to phone the police to remove him due to the fact we had a young child - he would wrestle the phone off me and throw it into the garden (we have a big garden, it took me hours to find each time).

 

He would say I said things I hadn't and done things I hadn't done. He would be persistent with this causing me to even doubt myself at times.

 

He confessed to being gay, (separate occasion to the first incident) then told me he loved me and still wanted to be with me. That he could stop being gay and he didn't want to be that way. A few days later he said he made up and didn't know why. For those few days I was an emotional wreck.

 

He would tell me that he had planned to kill his ex partner when they split up, that he had it all worked out and how he was going to dispose of her. (I now think this was to scare me)

 

He told me he and his friends had kidnapped a man who owed one of the friends money, they tied him up in a barn and scared him with their rifles (they're all hunters). - Again I think this was to scare me.

 

These are just a few examples off the top of my head.

 

EDIT:

Thinking about it, it wasn't really even about the "big" things he did, it was the everyday little things - too small to even notice at first, the constant snide put-downs, the chipping away at my confidence and self worth, the way he made out that everyone hated me (to isolate me?), the way he controlled me, stopped me going out but in a way where he made it seem like it was my decision - it's extremely difficult to articulate.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Confuddled1983

[M30USA]

This guy sounds just strange. Abusive, yes, but strange. And he might possibly be gay too.

 

The choking you and threatening to kill you part is the only outright, concrete abuse. It's definitely abuse. Everything else you mentioned is more strange than abusive, IMO.

 

Just a question:

 

Is it true that people have to lie to you because they know you can't handle the truth? Do people walk on eggshells around you, as your husband says?

[chelsea2011]

Wow M30USA. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. Confuddle83 just gave a detailed account of methodical emotional abuse that destroyed her right down to her core. Can I ask why you are asking her those questions at the end of your post? She is healing from a horrific experience that has most likely scarred her for life in some ways. She is probably going to experience triggers for a very long time. Is there a therapeudic point to those questions?

[GemmaUK]

The choking you and threatening to kill you part is the only outright, concrete abuse. It's definitely abuse. Everything else you mentioned is more strange than abusive, IMO.

 

I just wish to say that tis may be your opinion that he was merely 'strange' and that you believe a threat to kill is 'the only outright, concrete abuse' but that is not actually the case.

 

Abuse comes in many many forms including emotional abuse, verbal abuse, threats of and violence.

None are lesser than the other.

 

Just a question:

 

Is it true that people have to lie to you because they know you can't handle the truth? Do people walk on eggshells around you, as your husband says?

 

On the question. My jaw hit the floor upon reading this question.

If I was the OP I wouldn't respond to it nor give it a thought. I completely agree with the above poster.

 

Confuddled

He was definitely wanting plenty of reactions out of you.

The lies of the man I dated were mostly for reaction.

We split in April last year - I only found out one of the lies he made up was about a friendship with a mutual female friend (I thought nothing of it to be honest so never questioned it). I thought he was closer to her friends wise as he had told me they had met up several times.

I was chatting with her over the weekend and it never happened, He was just after a reaction (a jealous one I suspect).

 

I read more of that book I mentioned last night and it explains traits of 5 different types of abusers.

I found my guy in there, Yours will be too. The book was about £12 on Amazon. It's worth every penny for the less than half I have of it.

 

It sounds to me like we're not far separate in where we are coming to terms with this. I hit my worst moment before I started to feel any better. My worst moment was yet more other little things I remembered on Friday.

I wrote myself an email (yes - to myself) on Saturday with around 30 things that happened (I still have many more to add to that list) and it helped too to take the weight off.

I'm going through a time where I remember more and more little things and each one drives me crazy - but each one has to be processed too.

Each one is a lesson to me just now.

 

If you want to, feel free to mail me. I think we're not that distant in terms or 'where we are at' in dealing with the aftermath of this. ((hugs)) x

[Confuddled1983]

This guy sounds just strange. Abusive, yes, but strange. And he might possibly be gay too.

 

The choking you and threatening to kill you part is the only outright, concrete abuse. It's definitely abuse. Everything else you mentioned is more strange than abusive, IMO.

 

Just a question:

 

Is it true that people have to lie to you because they know you can't handle the truth? Do people walk on eggshells around you, as your husband says?

 

I'm pretty sure that he is gay, I think this angers him, I think I was merely used as his "beard" for the most part - I think I angered him a lot because I wasn't male (if that makes sense?). I think the intimidation, threats, at least some - were to proof his manliness to himself. The cheating with men was for sexual gratification, the cheating with women a part of, again, proving his masculinity to himself. (IMO). I know how "strange" it all sounds to everyone else and it's certainly not "normal" but I do understand quite a lot of what he did and why he did it - which has helped me come to terms with what happened to me, and helped me realise it was in no way my fault.

 

As I said, emotional abuse is very difficult to articulate which is why people who are emotionally abused often don't want to speak about it or even attempt to explain. Physical abuse, a punch to the face, a kick to the stomach, it's very real - there is no doubt even in your own mind of what is going on. Emotional abuse leaves you doubting yourself so how do you expect others to believe what you're going through/have been through? It's only when you leave the situation and educate yourself that the blinkers finally come off and you understand that actually you "should" talk about it - not only to try and aide your own recovery but so that you can perhaps help others going through the same thing - it helps to be able to relate.

 

He wasn't my husband, we have a child together though. Do people walk on eggshells around me? Not as far as I know. The only people I know of to have lied to me in the past 5 years are him and his sister - his sister covered for his cheating.

 

Also another incident she was involved with was when we were due to go to court over him having access. I stopped access when he took our son to the park behind my back (whilst we were together) with a woman he was with who was a crack cocaine user - her own children in the care of social services. In my opinion if she wasn't fit to be around her own children she was not fit to be around mine. - He then, after a few months, got his sister to phone me and say that a man had stopped his car and threatened him that if he goes to court about our son they will kill him and that he has been to the police. I stupidly believed it but didn't know who could do such a thing (I certainly didn't know anyone who would have done it). Then his sister rang to say their mum was in hospital after he rang to tell her what had happened and had had a suspected heart attack. - I had a panic attack, then after a few hours I'd calmed down and realised they were lying, they had to be, why would someone get involved like that? Still, it made me realise he'd stop at nothing to gain access to our son, that he would possibly/probably lie in court. I feared that the extent of his lies could mean our son ended up in care, the thought terrified me and so against my better judgement I allowed him access again.

 

That is why, even though we have a child together, I cannot talk to him on the phone, in person, through a third party (unless solicitor) or even text messages. He manipulates everything to go the way he wants and will stop at nothing. He doesn't care about how his actions will effect me - in my mind that is dangerous to my mental health, something he should be concerned about due to the fact I am the person who looks after our son.

[Confuddled1983]

I just wish to say that tis may be your opinion that he was merely 'strange' and that you believe a threat to kill is 'the only outright, concrete abuse' but that is not actually the case.

 

Abuse comes in many many forms including emotional abuse, verbal abuse, threats of and violence.

None are lesser than the other.

 

 

 

On the question. My jaw hit the floor upon reading this question.

If I was the OP I wouldn't respond to it nor give it a thought. I completely agree with the above poster.

 

Confuddled

He was definitely wanting plenty of reactions out of you.

The lies of the man I dated were mostly for reaction.

We split in April last year - I only found out one of the lies he made up was about a friendship with a mutual female friend (I thought nothing of it to be honest so never questioned it). I thought he was closer to her friends wise as he had told me they had met up several times.

I was chatting with her over the weekend and it never happened, He was just after a reaction (a jealous one I suspect).

 

I read more of that book I mentioned last night and it explains traits of 5 different types of abusers.

I found my guy in there, Yours will be too. The book was about £12 on Amazon. It's worth every penny for the less than half I have of it.

 

It sounds to me like we're not far separate in where we are coming to terms with this. I hit my worst moment before I started to feel any better. My worst moment was yet more other little things I remembered on Friday.

I wrote myself an email (yes - to myself) on Saturday with around 30 things that happened (I still have many more to add to that list) and it helped too to take the weight off.

I'm going through a time where I remember more and more little things and each one drives me crazy - but each one has to be processed too.

Each one is a lesson to me just now.

 

If you want to, feel free to mail me. I think we're not that distant in terms or 'where we are at' in dealing with the aftermath of this. ((hugs)) x

 

Thank you for your reply I just wondered where you were at in regards to contact? does he contact you ever? do you see him?

I wish I could never even hear my ex partners name again but I have to see him most days to walk our son to school as I have to walk past his work. It's hard. I had been walking an extremely long way around to avoid him but yesterday felt strong enough to walk past his work. I don't feel like I "should" change anything I do for him, it makes me feel he's won in a way, silly I know.

I saw him and I felt a bit shaky, just because I didn't want him to say anything but luckily he didn't, he put his head down and walked away.

He has sent a couple of texts which I have ignored for the most part but they still leave me feeling a bit upset (I'd never show him that). He says things that he knows will trigger like "Have you calmed down now?" weeks after we've argued! "Is our son okay" he knows he's okay cause he's seen him when his sister has had him - he just says this to make out like he thinks I can't care for our son. To someone else they'd probably just look like a text message but to me they're loaded with triggers - maybe they're not intentional and I read too much into them but I do think he knows what he's doing.

[M30USA]

Wow M30USA. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. Confuddle83 just gave a detailed account of methodical emotional abuse that destroyed her right down to her core. Can I ask why you are asking her those questions at the end of your post? She is healing from a horrific experience that has most likely scarred her for life in some ways. She is probably going to experience triggers for a very long time. Is there a therapeudic point to those questions?

 

I'm just asking because I don't know her. You have to understand that I had experience with a Borderline Personality wife. While she was the proven abuser (even physical), she actually spread detailed lies about me about how I was abusing her. I couldn't believe my ears when she came out with some of these claims in court.

 

One of her traits is that people walk on eggshells around her. She perceives normal things as abuse; not because they are abuse, but because her pathological thinking is fragile. This is classic BPD trait.

 

I only asked the OP because she claims that people have walked on eggshells around her. Plus, due to my experience, I actually do not automatically take a persons word for it as fact when they claim abuse. Things are way more complicated. I tend to reserve judgement until I have facts.

 

If I offended anyone it wasn't intentional.

Edited January 15, 2014 by M30USA

[Eau Claire]

I'm just asking because I don't know her. You have to understand that I had experience with a Borderline Personality wife. While she was the proven abuser (even physical), she actually spread detailed lies about me about how I was abusing her. I couldn't believe my ears when she came out with some of these claims in court.

 

One of her traits is that people walk on eggshells around her. She perceives normal things as abuse; not because they are abuse, but because her pathological thinking is fragile. This is classic BPD trait.

 

I only asked the OP because she claims that people have walked on eggshells around her. Plus, due to my experience, I actually do not automatically take a persons word for it as fact when they claim abuse. Things are way more complicated. I tend to reserve judgement until I have facts.

 

If I offended anyone it wasn't intentional.

 

As a veteran nurse I completely understand your skepticism. This is why we never judge without full information. The priority is always removing the abused from the influence of the alleged abuser. Then a rational assessment can be made.

 

It's vital that one accept the word of the abused initially...not because it is the truth but because it could be the truth.

 

Even when a victim isn't being completely honest it's not always because they are intending to deceive but because they are overwhelmed by the circumstances and their sense of perspective of the world is not rational.

[Haydn]

Wow this sounds like my ex. She did many of the things you listed and more. I would get away from this damaged scared man. I am no expert only what i have been through. Put the child first and dont be intimidated by him. Good luck.

[devilish innocent]

Your ex was definitely verbally/emotionally abusive from what you've described. Most abusers know how to present a good image to the world. People are going to believe what they want to believe. Try not to let it get to you. Their opinions shouldn't matter.

[GemmaUK]

Thank you for your reply I just wondered where you were at in regards to contact? does he contact you ever? do you see him?

I wish I could never even hear my ex partners name again but I have to see him most days to walk our son to school as I have to walk past his work. It's hard. I had been walking an extremely long way around to avoid him but yesterday felt strong enough to walk past his work. I don't feel like I "should" change anything I do for him, it makes me feel he's won in a way, silly I know.

I saw him and I felt a bit shaky, just because I didn't want him to say anything but luckily he didn't, he put his head down and walked away.

He has sent a couple of texts which I have ignored for the most part but they still leave me feeling a bit upset (I'd never show him that). He says things that he knows will trigger like "Have you calmed down now?" weeks after we've argued! "Is our son okay" he knows he's okay cause he's seen him when his sister has had him - he just says this to make out like he thinks I can't care for our son. To someone else they'd probably just look like a text message but to me they're loaded with triggers - maybe they're not intentional and I read too much into them but I do think he knows what he's doing.

 

The last time I had any contact was back in August and that was me asking him to take down photos of me he had on facebook as public.

These were the photos he would show friends to show what his gf looked like. They were totally non sleazy modelling shots - from about 18 years ago! (when I was with my long term partner).

 

Luckily I never see him as he lives over 100 miles away but I do still hear about him occasionally. He is blocked on my phone now so I have no idea if he has contacted me.

 

I can see what you mean about those texts, it's not teh what is said it's the way it's said and you knowing the history behind it.

 

Have you asked at school if anyone else walks your way?

You could see if you could get a walking partner - even just for that little bit where you walk past his work.

 

Have you also told more people than just your family about him? I wouldn't go announcing it to all but you shoudl tell friends - just for the support factor.

 

Do you have a mediator set up so that you don't have to contact him with regard to access to your son etc?

[JamesM]

When I read your post, I got a chill within me. A friend of mine was killed by her abusive husband a few years ago.

 

She had been abused by him for years, and she told people but being that he came from a good church, was very respected in the community, and presented a good image...she was disbelieved, even by her own sister who was her best friend.

 

Finally, she put out a restraining order on him. But again, many still thought she was overdoing it. A few months later, he was in her house when she came home and killed her.

 

These are two Christian people (at least outwardly for him). He presented enough of a good image that those around them could not fathom that there was abuse in the home. If just one family member or friend truly believed the danger she was in, then perhaps she would be alive.

 

Now the children (can't remember how many or age) are without either parent and will have this all to live with.

 

Point is...ignore those around you and continue with what you know. You know the truth. They do not. Correcting them may be helpful to you if it prevents further abuse to either you or another woman (or perhaps guy). Speaking out may be good if it is done for the right reason.

 

Keeping quiet may not be an option if abuse still occurs to either you or another person.

 

Abusers cannot be ignored or believed. We all must listen to anyone who speaks of abuse and if necessary take action.

 

And you, Confuddled...

 

How to respond?

 

Simply say, "Yes, he does have a nice side, but having lived with him for years as I did, I can say that he also has a dark side which makes it very difficult to love with him."

 

No need to tear him down, but certainly no need to be ashamed of what he did to you as if you are the problem and not him.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

when people say hes so nice, do you tell them 'uh no he isn't?'

 

they wont know differently till you tell them.

[regine_phalange]

Yes they are very nice. All day they bend over with everyone else and when the night comes, they lash out on their partner.

[M30USA]

Yes they are very nice. All day they bend over with everyone else and when the night comes, they lash out on their partner.

 

I wouldn't even say they bend with everyone else. They always get their way all the time. But they make sure to give the APPEARANCE of bending while in public. The only difference in private is they don't even try to hide it and they have zero shame.

Edited January 16, 2014 by M30USA

[Confuddled1983]

 

Do you have a mediator set up so that you don't have to contact him with regard to access to your son etc?

 

Nope, and I did something stupid yesterday!

 

His sister came to my house last week and said he was sorry and that he wants to put everything behind us (with regards to our son), he realises he's been stupid and wants to start paying maintenance etc again.

 

I've been thinking about it all for days. He's had contact with his son but it's been minimal, it's been when his sister has had him as I do not want him at my house, I do not want him texting or ringing etc. I don't want my son not to have his dad, but then he's not a great dad and it's something that has been tearing me in two. So I decided to go speak to him at his work (in a safe environment) about re-establishing proper contact with his son.

 

This was how it went -

 

Me: Can I have a word please?

Him: What?

Me: Do you want to have <son> for a few hours this weekend?

Him: Of course I effing do, what a stupid effing question I never wanted to stop seeing him in the first place ....

Me: Okay well what times would you like him? also would it be okay if your sister comes to collect him and drop him off?

Him: Why don't you decide, you effing decide everything else don't you

Me: Listen, you chose not to turn up and collect your son and I will not have him messed about ...

Him: I was at work I told you to bring him here ..

Me: ...and I told you why I couldn't do that <son had been up until 5am as he was ill> I was waiting for you to come and get him and you never showed up

Him: Whatever you know you effing stopped you're a effing .....

Me: Okay I'm done, don't bother

 

at this point I walked away. I did my best not to bite and retaliate. The whole time he had his hands clenched into fists at his side and his jaw clenched and he looked like he wanted to punch me. Luckily his boss was just a couple of meters away so I knew I was "safe" but I feel stupid for trying, against my better judgement, to make things work yet again!

 

I went straight home and once I closed the door it kind of hit me and I had a panic attack. I think it was just after such a long time of not having to deal with his abusive behaviour and walking in there thinking he did want to sort things out about our son it kind of threw me and shocked me. It made me realise too how "normal" his abusive behaviour had become when we were together, it didn't shock me, it didn't surprise me, it had become my "Normal" - that isn't right. I don't have to put up with someone being abusive towards me and I can't believe he things I would just stand there and listen to him swearing at me.

 

I rang my mum and his sister and told them what had happened. I'm a bit concerned about re-establishing contact again if he can't keep his anger in check. He has used steroids in the past and I'm wondering if he might still be taking them. I just feel so stupid.

[Confuddled1983]

when people say hes so nice, do you tell them 'uh no he isn't?'

 

they wont know differently till you tell them.

 

I have done with a few people but it's hard. He's made me believe for such a long time that people will think I'm "crazy" and that no one will believe me that it's hard. Also I just know how he appears to other people and it's not really my place to "convince" anyone what he is really like .... I guess I just find it infuriating that he puts on this "show" infront of other people. He always used to saw to me too that he could take a lie detector and pass it even if he lied - I don't know why he used to say it and he's never actually taken one but I believe he could he's so convincing.

[Hopeful714]

I am totally convinced that anyone who gets "close enough" to these people eventually sees their true colors.

 

Basically, everyone in their close circle eventually gets burned and one by one they all come to see the light.

 

Abuse doesn't discriminate. Play with snakes...you get bit. That sort of thing.

[Confuddled1983]

Well just to update a little -

 

I have an online friend who I met up with once last year. We've known each other about 3 years now and talk every single day. Well there were a couple of men messaging me on Facebook hitting on me and to get out of it I thought I'd just put that I'm in a relationship. I put that I'm in a "Complicated Relationship" as my relationship status and my friends joked that me and my friend (female) had finally got it on, I played along saying "Shhh she's a married woman" - all winky faces and it was clearly just a joke.

 

Well I walk past exes work and he started having a go at me about what was on my Facebook! He's not on there so I can only assume his new girlfriend had snooped. Whoever it was had relayed the wrong info and he was saying I was in a relationship with a married man - I explained he'd got it wrong and he called me a liar - he then said "I'm going to ruin your life!" ..... luckily his boss over heard it all I know it seems something small but I'm just so pleased someone else has heard him saying things like that to me and they know I'm not just a crazy bitter ex (as he likes to make out I am)

[Radu]

You need to understand that if it wasn't this, he would find something else to make drama about.

 

If you re-establish contact [keep in mind his sister is his puppet], see if you can record conversations with him, if it's legal in your state.

Build a collection of these.

It might not help you now, but over time, with a journal kept online full of this stuff, it will definitely help you [as for the journal, just make 2 email addresses, and send a mail from one to another, that way it's saved and can be called later from a neutral party with a time and datestamp].

 

PS: This is not just abuse, this is a hell you are going through.

[Confuddled1983]

You need to understand that if it wasn't this, he would find something else to make drama about.

 

If you re-establish contact [keep in mind his sister is his puppet], see if you can record conversations with him, if it's legal in your state.

Build a collection of these.

It might not help you now, but over time, with a journal kept online full of this stuff, it will definitely help you [as for the journal, just make 2 email addresses, and send a mail from one to another, that way it's saved and can be called later from a neutral party with a time and datestamp].

 

PS: This is not just abuse, this is a hell you are going through.

 

I've been looking into buying a Dictaphone to be honest. I don't think it would hold up in court here though I'm not sure. (I'm in the UK)

 

I've got a lot of writings all over the internet from various different occasions. I think I should collect them together and email myself the links and stuff?

 

I've also been in contact with Womens Aid before when he threatened to throw me down the stairs, then out the window and was screaming at me in front of my son. They offered me a place in a womans refuge but it's a big step to take and I didn't want us to lose our home.

 

I just don't understand it all. I try to make light of his threats and abuse, I try not to let it get me down and try to just shrug it off but the truth is he terrifies me. I'm scared that one day he might just follow through with one of his threats.

 

He also snatched out son in the street once, I wish I'd made a police report at the time, he eventually gave him back - well, I had to sneak him out of his dads house to get him back. He threatens to take him a lot and so my son misses out on nursery sometimes as I'm scared he'll take him from there. I've been to the police letting them know my concerns in this regard but his name is on the birth certificate so nothing I can do to stop him.

 

I just want my life back. I was on the phone to my mum earlier and I'm now planning to move. It might take a while but I think it's for the best. I should have done it a long time ago but I'm stubborn and just kept thinking "he'll have won" if I do that, I don't want to feel forced out of my home town but truthfully I know that I'll be a lot happier if I do.