moving2fast Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi Everyone, As I sit here alone at home I just been pondering this between the MM I see and just may be overthinking but wanted to know other folk's thoughts on things. Basically, do marriages full of deceit work? For instance, the man I see is bisexual and has a few things in his past he hasn't disclosed to his wife. Do you think they're both as happy as they could be. Would she be happier with an honest man? Would he really be happier living openly as opposed to keeping big parts of himself secret? I know I have no right to say how a person should live, but it troubles me that he won't share this with his wife. I know he hasn't shared important parts of himself (not just going by his word, but from being around both and talking also from how I was confronted I know she doesn't have the full story on things) and I want them happy so I wish he would just tell her. I know I have no right to request that he do certain things, but I have asked. I know I shouldn't be seeing him(as this makes his wife unhappy) but I'm selfish. Any thoughts? Has anyone been in this type of situation where information is shared/ you shared info outside of the relationship? What happens?
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You want him to tell his wife he's bisexual? What about your affair with him, is that included as well? Yes you are selfish, sorry you said it. His marriage and what he does or doesn't tell his wife isn't your business. You can't force him to tell her. Are you considering telling her the truth? What is your expectations and hopes here, wondering why it bothers you so much that he is hiding stuff from her. 1
GG3 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You want him to tell her so their marriage will split up? So that you can have him i presume? 1
GatsbyMH Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 As ironic as it is, coming from someone like myself who has cheated on my ex-wife in the past and is having an affair with a married woman still, I will say I think honesty is best. My AP is my best friend. We get along so well because we don't lie to each other about anything. We tell each other every single thing even if we know it will hurt. I wasn't always honest with my ex(even before the affair started) and my AP would say the same about her husband. I think that pure honesty is the basis for long lasting relationships. It makes what I feel with my AP so much stronger and I feel more connected to her because of it. 1
Cocochai Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Don't make that decision for them, they have to a WANT to do it on there own. They are not ready to change their ways and until they come to terms wit it themselves... That M won't really stand a chance. Sure people who never tell about the A once it's stopped may never get caught, but it doesn't help either. Your putting a band-aid over a M and ones own personal issues.
Author moving2fast Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I really don't want for the marriage to end. I really wish he would be more open with her, if not the bisexual part, then about his past, so that they can grow closer. I really like her, and want her to be happy (even though we are longer social and she probably still hates my guts). I am in no place to tell him how to live his life, but as a friend I wish that he wouldn't hide parts of himself away. I know my selfishness and hypocrisy puts me in the wrong position to say anything to her (I haven't told my bf that I'm sleeping with other people outside of work). That's not my place. I don't want to tell her we started back up again either, I don't like hurting her. I want their marriage to work, I wish we could all be friends (like before or even closer) but I know that'll never happen. I'm worried about them. I know I should focus on my own life though.
Author moving2fast Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Oh no, I wouldn't tell her. I wish his wife knew about things from him. I would hope from her learning more about her husband's past as well as his sexual orientation, that they build a stronger bond and are both happy. If she didn't want to be with him after learning about him, I would hope that they do what makes them both happy, even if that means going separate ways. All in all, I want them happy and their son too. I love them, I can't think of another word to describe the sentiment I feel for that family.
SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 My AP and I are BRUTALLY honest with each other. We share things that are good, bad, ugly or indifferent. All interpersonal relationships are different. If he wants to share info with you and not his wife, that is his choice to make. She doesn't know about you does she? That's a pretty big secret too. No brutal honesty there...
SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 By the way, my situation is similar to yours. I am intimately involved with my AP's SO. She's my BFF/frenemy.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I really don't want for the marriage to end. I really wish he would be more open with her, if not the bisexual part, then about his past, so that they can grow closer. I really like her, and want her to be happy (even though we are longer social and she probably still hates my guts). How can they grow closer when he's betraying her and having an affair with you? I am in no place to tell him how to live his life, but as a friend I wish that he wouldn't hide parts of himself away. I know my selfishness and hypocrisy puts me in the wrong position to say anything to her (I haven't told my bf that I'm sleeping with other people outside of work). That's not my place. I don't want to tell her we started back up again either, I don't like hurting her. But you are hurting her, and your boyfriend too. Obviously this doesn't bother you enough to end it. Sorry to be blunt. You both are living a lie right now. I want their marriage to work, I wish we could all be friends (like before or even closer) but I know that'll never happen. I'm worried about them. I know I should focus on my own life though. Glad that you see it'll never happen. What do you see happening in the future?
Author moving2fast Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 In the future I would hope that this affair I'm in either ends or continues with all 5 of us happy. I know its not going to keep going though, so to be fair I hope it stops before his wife finds out again or before my bf learns of this. I know I'm hypocritical when I say he should be honest with his wife about things. I know she wouldn't join in, and I know she wouldn't be happy to know I'm doing stuff with her husband again. I also know I am hiding activities from my bf and really do plan on telling him soon. I know he may break up with me, even though I'd love to have in my life. I know I have issues. I just wish she knew certain things because it affects so much of their lives. I know I have no place saying anything.
cocorico Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Not sharing things which would be TMI is one thing; censoring important parts of yourself like your sexuality for fear of rejection is another entirely. One of the reasons my H and his xW were estranged during their entire M was because she made it clear that his sexuality was not acceptable to her. After decades of bottling up his desires and passions, something had to give.
Darl Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Don't be so blind as to tell his wife anything. Stay out of their lives. If you want to have an affair with him, fine, but don't ruin his life. Aren't you in the position of a blackmailer? Why don't you talk this over with your lover and ask his advice? I am a bisexual woman and cautiously have affairs, and really must behave the way I do to feel normal, but I don't want to bother my husband about it each time that I meet up with someone. When I met my husband, he knew that I was sometimes intimate with women and loved the idea (he thought that it meant my women friends might join in a threesome!) and other things about me besides. I'm sure he still sometimes entertains fantasies but I've put those fantasies to sleep. These women don't want a man--handsome as my husband is-- they want me. But I do love him and want to stay with him even though I sometimes want to be with a woman. If one of my rendezvous friends were to tell him, I'd hate her forever and would definitely make her feel extremely sorry.
Recommended Posts