Themariner Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Was with my fiance for almost 5 years. We lived together and and we're engaged for 4 of those years. The last year or so she started to grow distant. We always got along well and hardly ever fought. She suffers from depression and I was somewhat needy. She said to me one morning and this was the conversation Her: I'm not happy Me: are you kicking me out? Her: I'm just not happy, I don't know why, and I know you're not happy either Me: I am happy, where am I going to go? Her: Go to your moms and ill pack your things and you can come get them in a few days Me: if you want me out I'd rather just do it now. Are you sure this is what you want? Her: Yes Me: I thought you loved me Her: I do love you, I'm sorry. I know you will say we can't be friends Me: uh no we can't be friends I'm sorry We packed all my stuff and was gone within a few hours. When I came to get the last of my stuff she sat on the bed crying and hiding her eyes. I loaded up the last of it. No hug no kiss not even a nice to know ya, I was hurt so I just left. A few hours later she sent a group text out with a new cell number. She had to change it because her old phone belonged to me. I was surprised to get this text so we had the following text convo: Me: not sure if you meant to send me your new number. Her: I want you to have it if you want it. Me: I'll just lose it as nothing good can come from us keeping in contact Her: ok Me: I hope you find what you are looking for and I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. Her: I wish you nothing but the best and I thank you for being a good father figure to xxx (her daughters name) I never responded and that was the last communication we have had. That was almost 6 months ago. Now I wonder if I could reach out to her. We've both had ample time to cool off. I feel I didn't leave any chance for her to reach out if she wanted. I regret not saying a proper goodbye to her and her daughter. We never really had any ill feelings as there was no cheating that I know of. I just though after 6 months we could talk about things. Maybe it's better left the way it is? Edited January 14, 2014 by Themariner
flightplan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Ask yourself how you would feel if she told you she fell in love with someone else? If you feel detached enough that it wouldn't bother you, then, sure, reach out to her. But if you feel it would throw you in an emotional ditch, then don't do it. If you're honest, is there an ulterior motive?... like hoping you can reconcile with her? It's a risk that only you can decide if it's worth taking. Good luck! 2
Author Themariner Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I would still like to have a relationship with her and yes it would hurt to be rejected again, but is that risk worth the potential reward? That's what I'm struggling with. I've dated other women and worked on myself. I even liked this one girl a lot and we were compatiable but I ended it because I still love my ex and that's not fair to her. I've done good with NC. Not broke it once as I'm stubborn as hell as is my ex. I knew when I said that us staying in contact was not a good idea I would not hear from her.
CelticGibson Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 NO. Do not do this. You are only setting yourself up for a huge setback. Why? Because IF she was missing you, IF she was interested in reconciliation, she would contact you. Nothing would stand in her way, not even a request to go No Contact. You would know for certain that she wants you because she would let you know. This reaching out business is all in your head, all on your side. The fact that she hasn't contacted you in six months should let you know all you need to know.... 2
flightplan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I would still like to have a relationship with her and yes it would hurt to be rejected again, but is that risk worth the potential reward? That's what I'm struggling with. I've dated other women and worked on myself. I even liked this one girl a lot and we were compatiable but I ended it because I still love my ex and that's not fair to her. I've done good with NC. Not broke it once as I'm stubborn as hell as is my ex. I knew when I said that us staying in contact was not a good idea I would not hear from her. yeah, you're at a crossroad... and your the only one that knows best what to do for yourself. FWIW, in my situation, I probably wouldn't do it and risk the progress I've made with myself until I know I've fully detached. I'm not going through that hell again anytime soon. By fully detaching, it's a lot easier to reach out and try again without risking my emotional health. Good luck with whatever you decide. 1
Chi townD Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Dude, just let it go. I mean, if you've gone 6 months without even a breadcrumb? Then, she's done with you. You need to heal and continue to make positive changes in your life. Be active and stay busy. Go on adventures and lead a good life.
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 First: Why were you engaged for so long? What was preventing you from getting married? I mean your final conversation was so........filled with.......nothing. Did you even talk to eachother? She says she's not happy and your immediate response is "are you kicking me out".... That is just so odd. Second: You say she's depressed. How do you know this? Did she go to therapy? Take medication? How do you know she will be any different? Did you suggest therapy at any time while you were together? 1
jphcbpa Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 NO. Do not do this. You are only setting yourself up for a huge setback. Why? Because IF she was missing you, IF she was interested in reconciliation, she would contact you. Nothing would stand in her way, not even a request to go No Contact. You would know for certain that she wants you because she would let you know. This reaching out business is all in your head, all on your side. The fact that she hasn't contacted you in six months should let you know all you need to know.... OP, print this off and put it on your mirror
margot13 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Was with my fiance for almost 5 years. We lived together and and we're engaged for 4 of those years. The last year or so she started to grow distant. We always got along well and hardly ever fought. She suffers from depression and I was somewhat needy. She said to me one morning and this was the conversation Her: I'm not happy Me: are you kicking me out? Her: I'm just not happy, I don't know why, and I know you're not happy either Me: I am happy, where am I going to go? Her: Go to your moms and ill pack your things and you can come get them in a few days Me: if you want me out I'd rather just do it now. Are you sure this is what you want? Her: Yes Me: I thought you loved me Her: I do love you, I'm sorry. I know you will say we can't be friends Me: uh no we can't be friends I'm sorry We packed all my stuff and was gone within a few hours. When I came to get the last of my stuff she sat on the bed crying and hiding her eyes. I loaded up the last of it. No hug no kiss not even a nice to know ya, I was hurt so I just left. A few hours later she sent a group text out with a new cell number. She had to change it because her old phone belonged to me. I was surprised to get this text so we had the following text convo: Me: not sure if you meant to send me your new number. Her: I want you to have it if you want it. Me: I'll just lose it as nothing good can come from us keeping in contact Her: ok Me: I hope you find what you are looking for and I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. Her: I wish you nothing but the best and I thank you for being a good father figure to xxx (her daughters name) I never responded and that was the last communication we have had. That was almost 6 months ago. Now I wonder if I could reach out to her. We've both had ample time to cool off. I feel I didn't leave any chance for her to reach out if she wanted. I regret not saying a proper goodbye to her and her daughter. We never really had any ill feelings as there was no cheating that I know of. I just though after 6 months we could talk about things. Maybe it's better left the way it is? Ok, I will more than likely get completely crucified. But I am going to shed my role of the heartbroken person that got dumped and go into my mother role. Please be kind guys???? If it is really about her daughter, then I can understand. My two boys never got to say goodbye to my ex he just disapeared. They are young and believe he is angry at them, it is not fair on the children, we ask them to accept other people and then we let them just disappear.... It's a hard one, I would be divided between wanting to do it for the child (4 years is a big influence in a childs life) and not wanting contact with my ex. But secretly I would love my ex to visit my kids just for them. I would never ever ever want to get back with him. Let me stress for everyone once again NEVER EVER!!!!!!! 1
RDawg Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 6 months of no contact is quite a while. Worst case scenarios: you reach out and get no response, or she asks you not to contact her again, or tells you she is with someone new. How will it make you feel? After 6 months I'm sure you could handle any of these scenarios? If so then why not do it or you might always wonder. Very weird final conversation by the way. Doesn't sound like you guys were so big on communication.
sw2020 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Your call dude. I personally always take the risk. What's life without a little risk? Sure, you may get rejected and it sucks, but 100% you will get over it.
Author Themariner Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Thanks everyone for the advice. FWIW our last conversation is verbatim as I typed this up from memory as I deleted any and all texts the day she dumped me. There were other things said I just can't recall everything. Communication was an issue with us. She wasn't the type of person to share a lot and looking back neither way I. She was diagnosed with depression and was on meds but for some reason she stopped taking them several years back. She also stopped seeing her therapist for reasons I don't know. I'm not going to make any rash decisions about it right now. It makes sense that after 6 months she'd reach out if she wanted and by not doing so I can be assured she's not interested. I haven't reached out in this time either but only because I've feared rejection and reliving the pain. I just hate the way we left it after all those years. I could see if there was bitterness or anger but there was none of that. My conclusion is I'm just not ready yet.
RDawg Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Well there's your answer then. Respect to you for having stuck to no contact so well. All the best with your continued recovery.
Recommended Posts