Rather have an actual knife in the back

[Penorsword]

Sorry to read of this indiscretion in your early years of marriage. I disagree with anyone having to take a polygraph, its silly to suggest. Mature adults who focus on the rebuilding the foundation, need to gather the strength to find each others amicable qualities. As a previous poster mentioned, you dont need to make a solid decision one way or the other. Its the ACtion you take that will cover the future times, be wise in what actions moving forward are tended to.

 

Words can only heal so much, yet the actions of change in recovering will be the deciding factor. Love is not just a feeling, its an action filled wil trust, admiration, cherished moments and mutual regard, Do you both have that to move this in a positive direction? This event is a moment to regroup and recommit...May it strengthen you for years to come....

 

Tayla this is an in readable insightful and mature post, thank you.

 

It is a bit cryptic as well I will have to study on it

[Penorsword]

Get her to the place for the polygraph test now. Also she agreed to have your daughter get a DNA test. That means that she had unprotected sex with this guy so you better get yourself checked for STD's.

 

Another thing. You can't wait until July for her to change jobs. She's been cheating on you from the get go of the marriage and if you sit back and do nothing about it and let her continue working there, your asking for more problems.

 

If it was me, I would be packing he bags and shipping her back to her parents. She did you wrong and the sooner you realize that the better you will be. You want to raise another mans baby? Get the test done now.

 

Bubba I guess I just take a different approach than you.

 

Truly I love my daughter with all my heart and it would be devastating beyond words to find out she is not mine. I truly would like to ignorantly raise another man child if that is the case. I love my little

 

I let my wife know where I stand at this point if she is still lying or if she breaks NC I feel like that is her loss not mine. I have drawn my line in the sand and I will not stand over her and babysit her to ensure she makes the right decisions. Her decisions are her own as are mine.

 

This is her only second chance period, and it's a flimsy one at that.

 

I like what the above poster said about always being able to change my mind. For now I am still with my wife, but I can always change that decision

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I agree with you that the timing of this affair throws up some huge red flags to me.

 

The reason she gives for the affair is that she had felt like she had lost her voice. She said that she felt she could not talk to me about things, and that it was not my fault that she felt this way. She says it's something she has always needed to work on.

 

She liked the attention this other man gave her and she says she was just playing a fantasy. It doesent make sense to me but she says it was like reading a book... After he came into town and she met him in his hotel she realized how out of control it had gotten and suddenly everything felt more real to her. So she stopped contact with him.

 

I can verify through phone records that this is for the most part true. Contact seemed to have stopped about a month before I found out.

 

Feeling like she lost her voice, always having felt this way, it being all a fantasy - those are very vague and kind of make her seem like a bit of a head case. What really rubs me the wrong way is how much she lied after she was caught. For a person who "lost" her voice, she sure was a good assertive liar.

 

Are you going to be able to feel she won't cheat again given that this "voice" thing apparently is a lifelong problem that continues to exist? The other things that bother me are that she still sees the guy at work and she still continues to stick to her nonsensical story about not expecting sex at a hotel hookup. I know you aren't getting the truth about that and I strongly suspect that you and her are just scratching the surface of her real issues that caused this.

 

Sometimes it really is just one time with no sex but it is so rare and you don't get the amount of lies you got. Not that it would keep you from trying to reconcile, but it is an indication of her mindset that she won't give you the truth. Are you confident you know when this whole thing started?

[road]

I guarantee that you have not gotten half the truth from your WW.

 

 

Stop dragging your feet and schedule that poly and DNA test your child.

 

 

Forget about waiting your WW needs to leave that job now.

[harrybrown]

Have you informed the OM's wife about the affair?

 

You should expose this to her work and to her family. Affairs like the dark.

Shine the light on the affair.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Getting over the sex is the hardest for me. Well, one of the hardest. THe flat out lying and manipulating and abandoning of me is the worst, I guess. I'm struggling immensely with the sex this week though. I'm a woman...it's a violation to me of so much more than just my trust.

 

I know, I'm a man and this is what bothers me the most too, but as a BS you must realize the truth if you want to get over the hangup of the physical aspect of the A. Not to minimize it, but to place it at the level that it really is.

 

A are not bout the OM/OW being more attractive or how wild the sex is. They are about a broken WS, a selfish WS and other issues that need to be addressed.

[Penorsword]

Op here,

 

For anyone that was curious I was just going to post a quick update. 8 months out from dday now and I have good days and bad days. While there are times when I make up my mind that I am going to divorce my wife, I also have days that aren't that bad. Things are still rough. I am still often very sad and very angry.

 

Instead I making my wife quit her job I am taking this oppertunity to quit mine and go back to school. It is time for some changes. My wife and I are still togather and she still works with the om. But if she is going to cheat again then she will and that is out of my control.

 

I would not call this a success story as I am still on the fence about our future. But I would love to hear a good success story or two.

 

Feel free to ask any questions you want

[Clay]

It sounds to me like your just personally moving on with you and preparing to live your life with out here. I don't blame you I wished I would have been capable of doing that when I was married to my xW. I just could not get past the cheating so she had to go.

 

Good for you for making yourself a better person.

 

Clay

[Penorsword]

Thanks clay,

 

While I don't think I would say I am preparing to leave I would absolutely say I am preparing for that possibility.

 

I need to accomplish things to regain some of my self confidence, and at the same time make sure that I am capable of being alone and happy at any moment on a moments notice.

 

We shall see, I can tell you this though. When my wife decided to cheat she paid a price for it. She may not even realize it but it cost her a lot of the respect and love I had for her at the time. I don't know if she will ever earn it back. Frankly I'm not even sure it's possible to earn it all back...

[Darren Steez]

A bit confused. How can you R when she's still working and meeting OM? Is she still going to quit her job?

 

It appears to me quitting your job and going back to school means she has to stay in that job. Rather odd, you force your wife to stay in a job where the man she banged still comes to see her. And you put her in the position of being the sole bread winner.

 

How long is this school? Are you going to take work to supplement her income? How long will it take before, her working and you not starts the resentment?

How long will it take before she finds another excuse to go and be with OM?

 

just sayin...

[Clay]

Hes not going to R.

 

Clay

[Raven3321]

This may seem silly seeing I'm an adult now but I never learned this in Jr High. Would someone detail what's 3rd base? For that matter, what's 1st and 2nd? I fairly sure I get what home base is.

[Raven3321]

This may seem silly seeing I'm an adult now but I never learned this in Jr High. Would someone detail what's 3rd base? For that matter, what's 1st and 2nd? I fairly sure I get what home base is.

 

Nevermind. I googled it. I'm educated now.

[Bryanp]

I assume that you never followed through with the polygraph? She admits to oral sex (3rd base) which means you both needed to get tested for STD's. Lets be realistic here. A married woman goes to hotel room to meet the OM and admits to doing everything but intercourse is simply difficult to imagine. If you are going to do everything why in the world would you stop only at intercourse?

[harrybrown]

Has she ever stopped contacting the OM?

 

Have you ever exposed the OM to his wife, or to your wife's employer?

[firemanq]

Drifter thank you for such a well thought out response to my post.

 

 

It's good to know I'm not alone. I would like to hear from a BH who has successfully reconsider and feels that it is truly 100% behind him. It's not a tale I hear a lot and I could use a bit of hope.

 

 

 

The person who goes by the name of OWL reconciled with his wife. He tells us they are happy and in love. Do a search for him and his story of how they made the trip back together.

 

 

And the child, being the sperm donor does not make a daddy. Being a daddy is much more difficult, and rewarding than shooting your wad in a cunt. Being a daddy requires giving your love and care to a child. My oldest is my little girl, and I am her Dad, even though I was not invited to the conception party. And I am Grandpa to her daughter, who is getting married in August.

[BeholdtheMan]

Op here,

 

For anyone that was curious I was just going to post a quick update.

 

May I ask why you're still with your wife? Why not divorce?

[Friskyone4u]

OP, you said if your wife is going to cheat again there is nothing you can do. A few have inquired what you are doing to know what is happening when OM comes to town on business with your wife. Are you just not even trying to find out when this is and what she is doing. ?

It is also ludicrous to think she went back to his hotel room two days in a row and did not have sexual intercourse. So she is still lying to you.or at least I think she is. What did she go back for, to discuss the weather.

You really need to find out if this has gone underground before making a decision.

[fellini]

Thanks clay,

 

While I don't think I would say I am preparing to leave I would absolutely say I am preparing for that possibility.

 

I need to accomplish things to regain some of my self confidence, and at the same time make sure that I am capable of being alone and happy at any moment on a moments notice.

 

We shall see, I can tell you this though. When my wife decided to cheat she paid a price for it. She may not even realize it but it cost her a lot of the respect and love I had for her at the time. I don't know if she will ever earn it back. Frankly I'm not even sure it's possible to earn it all back...

 

I totally understand this.

 

MY WS also cheated with a co-worker, they still work together (no one here in LS bothers to respond to me asking why I don't divorce her probably because they don't seem to like my views on infidelity) and they will work in the same building every day until she retires. This is not going to change, and I am not going to be able to do anything about that. Good on you for understanding some key things, things that I share:

 

You cannot do anything about your wife cheating (because she will do it without your permission, we both know that) but this is not the same thing as saying "my wife is going to cheat again". People don't get that. (But they do get that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. So go figure!)

 

You want to/are open to R, but the best way to R is to FIRST be in a personal place where if tomorrow you decided that R is absolutely not going to work (she steps out again, you just can't do it) the most important step for you is to be able to walk without fear! Excellent. My wife is very clear about this right now: I probably did not ask her to leave for the same reasons she told me she would give up the AP: FEAR, PANIC, the UNKNOWN, the HUMILIATION, the PUBLIC face of it all. But at month 5 I said to her: I am no longer afraid to end this marriage. IT was not a threat, it was a message to her that fear will not keep me. Now we can have an actual marriage because we both WANT to be in it, not because we both NEED to be in it.

 

After about 6 weeks the reasons for R became healthier: self-respect, recovery, second chance, recognizing what was good, reclaiming that, etc. FOR BOTH OF US.

 

I too have lost a lot of respect for my WS. I don't think it will come back either, but at the same time, I don't know that it won't and I don't know that what I will come to feel won't be enough. Im not going to make decisions about my ONE LIFE based on a) what I do not know or b) what some people in LS who dumped their marriages and are clearly in pain are telling me I should follow their path, like there was no other option.

 

So I am a reconciling BS, not fully 100% reconciled, but just passed my 1st year post DDay, and now my decision to stay or go is not so much about the AP as what I am willing to live with. And this is much more important to me.

The intrusions about the sex are still really bothering me. Less than, but not much less than before, but I recognise that its not THAT SHE HAD SEX but that I am incapable - so far - of dealing with it that is the problem. I hope to solve this problem in the upcoming months.

 

Happy to discuss this process with you further.

Edited May 6, 2014 by fellini

[Man Mountain Makino]

( she admits to the encounter progressing to roughly 3rd base)

So oral sex? Was it reciprocated.

 

I ask because women tend to give oral sex only to guys that they are crazy about and want to please desperately, and tend to receive oral sex from men they feel strongly about since it is very intimate, and also shows his strong desire to please her.

 

Just broad strokes, but essentially valid.

 

I also don't think most adults that round third don't stop, no matter what the third base coach tells them. No, they go home. Younger and inexperienced people may stop, or stall, but adults tend to finish.

 

I'd gather as much info as I can. I feel for you, bro. Wishing you the best and I wouldn't blame you if you left and let them have each other. I'm inclined to think they deserve each other.

[No Limit]

I think what makes matters worse is that she cheated just a few months after your marriage, and it does raise questions.

Most of all; if she cheats at the start, what do you expect how the rest of your marriage is supposed to look like? She'll have male coworkers in her next job as well.

 

Have you also thought about a paternity test for your child?

[SoleMate]

Such deliberate cheating starting just 4 months into a marriage creates an extreme situation. Even if reconciliation is possible, whatever motivated your W to seek out an affair so deliberately is still present. The recklessness that the A occurred at the same time you and she were conceiving your daughter just adds a layer of incomprehensibility to it. I doubt if she has told you the full motivation of her cheating and she may not even understand it herself. That root cause will continue to be present until she identifies it honestly, decides to fix it, and does the work to fix it. She may or may not be capable and willing to do this.

 

IMPORTANT: Since you want to protect your right to remain your daughter's father regardless of biology, it is imperative you consult with a family law attorney immediately and lay out all the facts. State law differ and the provisions are not at all intuitive. As it stands now, your W has standing to challenge your paternity. The OM probably can't challenge your paternity unless your wife cooperates. Don't wing the legal situation; get expert advice applicable to your jurisdiction and exact facts.

 

Another thought: I agree with the consensus that for your wife to claim she did not expect sex in the hotel room does not earn credence. There can be no reasonable doubt of the truth: she intended for sex to occur. Any Loveshack jury, male or female, would come to the same conclusion. It's perhaps just barely possible sex did not occur, but again, since you know the "no intent" story is a proved lie, then the only evidence for the "no home base" story is an implausible claim from a proved liar who is highly motivated to hide the truth.

 

Once you know with this degree of certainty that your spouse will lie about marriage fundamentals, it's hard to maintain the honest, emotional intimacy necessary for a fulfilling marriage without a major change occurring. That change would require a huge amount of work on both sides.

[Buckeye2]

He was in town in late July for 2 days and my wife met him at his hotel room. She claimed that she never realy believed that anything was going to happen, but it did. She says they basically made out for a while before she came to her senses and told him she had to leave.( she admits to the encounter progressing to roughly 3rd base)

 

You don’t want to get a DNA test because you agree with other posters that your wife could very well be lying about how far they went. Given her history that’s perfectly understandable.

 

Consider this: a DNA test will be testing your wife, not your daughter. Your daughter is so young that you can test her without anyone ever knowing.

 

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. Swab the inside of her cheek and yours. Mail the kit to a lab with $130 more.

 

If she is yours biologically then you know that forever and your wife might be telling you the truth. If she isn’t yours then you said that it doesn’t matter to you. Don’t tell anyone the results and nothing will change except you have more information when you consider R.

 

I would rather know now than spend the rest of my life wondering. If she doesn’t look like you when she’s 10 years old or needs a blood transfusion what are you going to do? You can get mentally prepared by knowing now. If you wait until she’s older she will ask you why you’re swabbing her cheek.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Buckeye2

[tom670]

You don’t want to get a DNA test because you agree with other posters that your wife could very well be lying about how far they went. Given her history that’s perfectly understandable.

 

Consider this: a DNA test will be testing your wife, not your daughter. Your daughter is so young that you can test her without anyone ever knowing.

 

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for about $30. Swab the inside of her cheek and yours. Mail the kit to a lab with $130 more.

 

If she is yours biologically then you know that forever and your wife might be telling you the truth. If she isn’t yours then you said that it doesn’t matter to you. Don’t tell anyone the results and nothing will change except you have more information when you consider R.

 

I would rather know now than spend the rest of my life wondering. If she doesn’t look like you when she’s 10 years old or needs a blood transfusion what are you going to do? You can get mentally prepared by knowing now. If you wait until she’s older she will ask you why you’re swabbing her cheek.

 

For your daughter's future medical issues you should confirm whether you are the father or not.

You will always be her father.

[Penorsword]

Wow thank you all for the responses. I will do my best to clear everything up for you guys.

 

I am very skeptical of the story my wife gave me as well but in the end it does not matter. My daughter is mine I have no stds and my wife cheated on me. Them are the facts.

 

Many people here seem to think that I should make her quit her job, I say that need stems from Insecurity and fear, nothing more. I will do what I can to make sure that no matter what my wife chooses to do I will not be afraid to do what I need to do. I will be Independent and firm in what I expect. Now if she wants to play ball the rules have been made clear and I am willing to give it a try.

 

What it boils down to is people will do what they want to do, you can try to prevent it but it will only cause them to be deceptive in the long run. I will not be a babysitter to my wife. If she cheats again she knows the cost period.

 

Li look foreward to going back to school to better myself. It will give me new accomplishments to take pride in and build my self confidence.