RDawg Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 All so complicated.. I normally wait till after the first sex to ask a girl to be my girlfriend.. depending on how the sex was. Good luck for this weekend!
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Well the sex was very good, and he said so aswell... Maybe he doesn't want a girlfriend? Or maybe he's too shy to ask? Either way... I'm going to see how this weekend goes, and then perhaps tell him I want to b exclusive.. and see what he says. I need to know where I stand before I continue
Frank2thepoint Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I made the decision to ask him to meet, and he agreed and asked me out this weekend. So maybe he was waiting for me to initiate?? Yes, wonders can happen when women take a little initiative.
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) So how should I bring up this exclusivity conversation? Ideally it would be amazing if he would bring it up, tells me he likes me (finally) and that he doesn't want to date anyone else (this is how my ex did it) But if this guy is shy, and of course if this weekend goes well.. and we end up sleeping together again I'm going to need to bring this up. I was thinking of saying something along the lines of ... I am not comfortable having sex unless there is exclusivity. I'm not saying we have to be that, but I need to know if he is dating others cos I'm not and don't want to? Thoughts? I don't want to scare him off, or come across as demanding.. but I need to know where I stand! Ie, if he likes me, sees this going somewhere, whether he wants a relationship / casual sex. (I dont think he wants just casual sex as before the holidays he said he wanted to get to know me better and see me again after the holidays) Edited January 16, 2014 by mariposa_13
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Assuming he does not bring it up first. If the exclusivity conversation is important to you, then bring it up before sex. If he agrees, you guys can celebrate being officially boyfriend-girlfriend by making sweet love. If the exclusivity conversation is not important in the aspect that having sex first to destress and have fun is more important, then wait until after sex. Regardless how you approach it, just be firm, but not demanding. You can try to tackle it by asking him first what he wants, before you mention what you want. Ask him what he thinks of the relationship so far, reassure him that his honesty to you is very important and you appreciate it. If he is shy, reassure him that he is not being judged, be patient, and try to guide him to divulge. Make sure you guys are sitting close to each other, like on a couch, but not across from each other, like at a table. Another thing, be prepared for the worst. You know the phrase "expect the worst, hope for the best". If he says he doesn't want to be exclusive and wants to date others, do not get mad at him. He is being honest with you. Make sure to decide before this weekend what you are willing to tolerate. For example, if he says he doesn't want exclusivity, but still wants you around, would you be okay with having him in your life but not having him completely? If you are not comfortable with that, stand your ground that you want exclusivity, and if he can't give you that, then be ready to cut ties with him and move on. Good luck.
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Posted January 17, 2014 One more thing to add... I've checked and seen he is still active on the dating app. This must mean he can't be all that interested in me if he is A. looking for other girls, B. talking to other girls, C. dating other girls.. I don't know if he is the sweet gentleman I thought he was. I don't know whether to question him about it or not?
RDawg Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Call me old fashioned but if you're sleeping with a girl then you want to be exclusive. How could anyone tolerate anything else? Just tell him when you're making out this weekend that unless you're officially bf and gf he doesn't get the cookie.
Hopeful30 Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 It's hard to tell. I'm sorry this happened to you, truly I am. It could be a number of things from he didn't like the sex to something came up at work and hes embarassed that he can't pay for dates anymore. I say text him one more time and ask him whats up, or initiate a date. If he agrees, take it from there. If not, dont talk to him until he contacts you again. I know it's hard because you want closure and to know wtf is going on, but right now your best option is to just give him space.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Remember, you did not have the conversation about being exclusive yet. If he is still active on the dating site, then yes there is a big chance he is not looking for anything exclusive. But since you never talked to him about it, he could be just clueless. It's a remote chance, but don't assume until you have the conversation with him. Good luck this weekend, let us know how it goes.
894hjk Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Don't message him, just wait another 4 days. Next time u go out say to him u had a great time the night u had sex but would like him to know that u only sleep with people if u r exclusive. X Just wait Chill U will know how he feels by his actions
894hjk Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Oh dear! Ok , don't sleep with him again! Don't say u saw him on a dating site! Just ask for exclusivity b4 u sleep together or get physical then mention the fact your dating profile is still getting some male attention and see what he suggests!
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 So I saw him last night and had a really lovely time... I think he is really shy, and I have a feeling the reason why he didn't ask me out this past week was because perhaps he was waiting for me to initiate? Could be possible?? We had sex, but before it happened I told him I wasn't comfortable unless I knew he wasn't sleeping with anyone else... He said no he wasn't, that he couldn't do that and that would be crazy, as he only sleeps with one person at a time.. and said he hadn't been with a girl for months. I didn't ask him if he was dating anyone else, nor did I ask him about the dating website. Perhaps next time I will ask if he is dating others, but I assume not if he told me he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Maybe he just goes on the website out of boredom? OR because we aren't exactly official boyfriend/girlfriend? So, all in all it was pretty much a success! I think the issue here is that he is verryy shy. I will see now if he will initiate another meeting... Thanks so much guys!!
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 So I saw him last night and had a really lovely time... I think he is really shy, and I have a feeling the reason why he didn't ask me out this past week was because perhaps he was waiting for me to initiate? Could be possible?? We had sex, but before it happened I told him I wasn't comfortable unless I knew he wasn't sleeping with anyone else... He said no he wasn't, that he couldn't do that and that would be crazy, as he only sleeps with one person at a time.. and said he hadn't been with a girl for months. I didn't ask him if he was dating anyone else, nor did I ask him about the dating website. Perhaps next time I will ask if he is dating others, but I assume not if he told me he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Maybe he just goes on the website out of boredom? OR because we aren't exactly official boyfriend/girlfriend? So, all in all it was pretty much a success! I think the issue here is that he is verryy shy. I will see now if he will initiate another meeting... Thanks so much guys!! What is hindering him from committing? Are you more concerned with being sexually exclusive than exclusive on a whole? So it's ok if he meets another girl in say, a month, and then drops you and then gives you the spiel of how he was sexually faithful, but nothing was official so you can't get upset? I think you need to clearly identify what the two of you are explicitly if you will keep having sex with him or you might be in for a rude awakening if you act timid to tackle the subject, he's still holding out for something better to come along and drops you. Guarantee 99% of the time a man who is looking for something serious will gravitate towards women with standards and clear boundaries. Straddling the fence and tip toeing around it wont get you progress. 1
fujidabruin Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 So I saw him last night and had a really lovely time... I think he is really shy, and I have a feeling the reason why he didn't ask me out this past week was because perhaps he was waiting for me to initiate? Could be possible?? We had sex, but before it happened I told him I wasn't comfortable unless I knew he wasn't sleeping with anyone else... He said no he wasn't, that he couldn't do that and that would be crazy, as he only sleeps with one person at a time.. and said he hadn't been with a girl for months. I didn't ask him if he was dating anyone else, nor did I ask him about the dating website. Perhaps next time I will ask if he is dating others, but I assume not if he told me he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Maybe he just goes on the website out of boredom? OR because we aren't exactly official boyfriend/girlfriend? So, all in all it was pretty much a success! I think the issue here is that he is verryy shy. I will see now if he will initiate another meeting... Thanks so much guys!! Mariposa, how can this be a success unless you are simply hoping for more mind games in YOUR OWN HEAD? I hope the best for you and you sound somewhat happy at the moment, but look back at all your previous posts... You spent the last couple days in turmoil about sleeping with this guy and not clearing up the issues of exclusivity and his intentions. Then you seemed like you had resolved to be straightforward and get these issues cleared up with honest communication (at the prompting of Franktothepoints' good advice). You set up the perfect opportunity to communicate all that you shared in these posts then simply failed to do so..... I don't wanna sound rude but I have to wonder if the sex was so good it turned your brain into mush? .....are you gonna plead temporary amnesia? I wish you good luck, but don't be surprised if you have turned yourself into his Fck-buddy by avoiding simple discussion 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 And the drama continues... We had sex, but before it happened I told him I wasn't comfortable unless I knew he wasn't sleeping with anyone else... He said no he wasn't, that he couldn't do that and that would be crazy, as he only sleeps with one person at a time.. and said he hadn't been with a girl for months. I didn't ask him if he was dating anyone else, nor did I ask him about the dating website. Perhaps next time I will ask if he is dating others, but I assume not if he told me he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Maybe he just goes on the website out of boredom? OR because we aren't exactly official boyfriend/girlfriend? So, all in all it was pretty much a success! I think the issue here is that he is verryy shy. I will see now if he will initiate another meeting... Eh the only thing was successful is that you had sex again. Why did you not talk to him about being exclusive? 1
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 I see all of your points, I think its a bit soon to say 'we are boyfriend/girlfriend'... I thought him saying he is not sleeping with anyone else was a way of saying we were exclusive (in the sense he is not interested in anyone else) But perhaps I am deluding myself.... otherwise why else would he still be on the dating app? I don't want to be the one to bring up whether he is dating anyone else (officially exclusive) but perhaps I will have to when I see him again. I had deleted the app myself as I wasn't using it anymore, but now I have re-downloaded it to see if he still uses it... and I can see he does. If I don't delete it again, next time he logs on he will see me on there.... so he will know I know he still uses it. So is it worth bringing it up?
cactusgal Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I dunno. I've never slept with a guy until after having the boyfriend-girlfriend talk (but I only do 'relationship sex' and nothing else). So, if you want to be his girlfriend, I'd suggest you do the same. If it's not too early to be sleeping with him, then it's not too early to be in a relationship (in my view, anyway). Unless you don't care about whether or not he's your boyfriend, but I think you do. Otherwise you wouldn't care if he was on the dating app. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I see all of your points, I think its a bit soon to say 'we are boyfriend/girlfriend'... I thought him saying he is not sleeping with anyone else was a way of saying we were exclusive (in the sense he is not interested in anyone else) But perhaps I am deluding myself.... otherwise why else would he still be on the dating app? I don't want to be the one to bring up whether he is dating anyone else (officially exclusive) but perhaps I will have to when I see him again. I had deleted the app myself as I wasn't using it anymore, but now I have re-downloaded it to see if he still uses it... and I can see he does. If I don't delete it again, next time he logs on he will see me on there.... so he will know I know he still uses it. So is it worth bringing it up? Have you no spine, standards, or reasoning abilities? Sleeping with you could be a matter of convenience and availability. I learned a long time ago to never ASSume anything!!! Have direct and explicit conversation about where you stand FROM NOW before he runs off with another girl with clear standards. How many times do you hear about a guy never working towards marriage with his long time girlfriend of 5-8 yrs who set loose/low standards and then he marries the next chick who was firm about her expectations within the next year or two? Come on! These games are very juvenile. I can't imagine someone taking a woman seriously or vice versa if he is STILL ACTIVE on the dating site AFTER they've gone as far as sleeping with each other. You two are NOT on the same page. You are setting yourself up for disappointment continuing to put out without knowing if he likes you enough to be his gf. If he meets someone else who lets it be known from the START no nookie until they are official, he will be a lot more decisive about it (whether he just wants simple FWB or a REAL relationship). Some women need to stop expecting men to read their minds or be presumptuous. For most men sex is just SEX ESPECIALLY if they are not in a committed relationship. They can detach themselves emotionally in general and call a spade a spade. It's usually us women they get caught up in feelings. Please protect your heart! 2
fujidabruin Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I see all of your points, I think its a bit soon to say 'we are boyfriend/girlfriend'... I thought him saying he is not sleeping with anyone else was a way of saying we were exclusive (in the sense he is not interested in anyone else) But perhaps I am deluding myself.... otherwise why else would he still be on the dating app? I don't want to be the one to bring up whether he is dating anyone else (officially exclusive) but perhaps I will have to when I see him again. I had deleted the app myself as I wasn't using it anymore, but now I have re-downloaded it to see if he still uses it... and I can see he does. If I don't delete it again, next time he logs on he will see me on there.... so he will know I know he still uses it. So is it worth bringing it up? Mariposa, can you see all the assumptions you are still making? Where you have said "I think" or "I thought"..... you need to soon replace with "we discussed..." or "we agreed that..." The other highlights show your insecure thoughts that seem to be stopping you from communicating appropriately. Failure to openly and clearly communicate is so often where the issue in many relationships exists (be it romantic or otherwise). I can only assume that this guy has put you in the F-Buddy category already, since you chose to have sex a couple times and not set down boundaries together. If this poor level of communication is indicative of young adult dating these days, then it is no wonder that young men seem to have the belief that the trend is for young dating women to opt into casual sex mode... and young ladies believe they get used when they think they have a meaningful relationship.
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