mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) If you read my previous posts, I have spoken about a guy I started dating in November. We went for a few dates that went really well before we went away to our families homes over the christmas holidays. All that happened on the dates is that he waited until the 3rd date to kiss me, but we had a great time. We didn't see eachother for quite a few weeks over the holidays, but we agreed we wanted to get to know eachother better and that we would continue with our dates when we both returned. When we were away we spoke nearly every day via text, about what we were up to etc. and it was really nice. I let him initiate most conversations, as a test to see if he was genuinely interested. When we returned back to our city he arranged to meet up pretty soon, and he seemed pretty excited about it, we had another great date and we kissed again. After the date I text him and asked if he wanted to meet in a few days time (this is the first time I have initiated a date) and he agreed and said he would cook me dinner. He was a true gentleman and we discovered we had more things in common, and the chemistry was stronger. I could see he made a huge effort and realised he probably likes me. We hadn't actually discussed yet what we were both looking for, neither have we told eachother we like eachother. He is pretty shy, but then I am pretty traditional so I don't like to initiate things and prefer for the guy to take the lead. So even though I felt like telling him I really like him or ask him what hes after, I prefer to wait for him to tell me first. After a few bottles of wine, one thing led to another and we slept together. I felt completely comfortable and it was utterly amazing. However, there was a niggling feeling that I wish I had asked him if we were exclusive before we had sex. Although I really wanted him to initiate this conversation as I don't want to appear clingy. Although exclusivity is really important to me as I have only slept with 4 guys before, all who I was in a relationship with. Since that date we have been texting eachother briefly, however I sense he is off with me. I don't know if I am being paranoid as I wish I could have this 'exclusivity talk', but its been 4 days and he hasn't asked to see me again. Normally he asks to see me within a couple of days, and I thought seeing as we just had sex, he'd be gagging to do it again. Now I am starting to feel like maybe he has used me for sex.. but my friends don't believe it as they say he waited a long time, and he treated me better than any other guy has in the sense he was such a gentleman and so lovely on all our dates. They say he has made a big effort with me and must be interested. So what is the deal? Maybe he has realised he doesn't like me after all? Or maybe he likes me too much and is playing it cool? Surely if a guy really likes you he wants to see you all the time and make plans so no other guy sees you?? I am really upset, as I was really starting to like this guy. And its the first guy I have truely liked after going through an awful breakup a year ago. What are your guy's opinions? And sorry for the long post! Edited January 14, 2014 by mariposa_13
winny Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 What about his texts are you finding different than before?
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He is not asking as many questions, he does ask me something but isn't as communicative as before. Also he hasn't even asked to see me again, or mentioned anything in the slighted that we will meet up again (although I left something at his house when I stayed over and he said he will give it to me 'next time' -whatever that means!) When we are together it seems like he really likes me. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. Although in all this time he hasn't paid me any compliments... but perhaps he is just shy? After we had sex, we both agreed it was really good and he was extremely affectionate towards me.
Zahara Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Maybe he's waiting for you to suggest to meet again? Why don't you reach out and ask him if he would be interested in doing something. Gauge his response from there. 1
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 All you can do is relax! Stop stressing over his every word and action. Trust me, I know how you feel. I do the same damn thing, but all you'll end up doing is worrying yourself to death and potentially ruining a good thing with your insecurity about his actions or lack thereof. Just try to be the same person you've been since you met him. Keep busy, make sure you're not 100% available to him. Go out with your friends. Don't sit around waiting for him to make plans to see you. 3
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) But I was the one that suggested the last meeting? I don't want to chase after him, especially after we had sex. I basically feel extremely insecure now that we have had sex, and I need him to chase after me to reassure me he still likes me. Its not like he has disappeared, he still texts me, but I feel like as I suggested the last meeting even though he cooked for me, I feel he should suggest the next meeting. No? Mammasita - so are you saying I shouldn't suggest to meet up, and let him ask me as and when it happens? Edited January 14, 2014 by mariposa_13
Zahara Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 But I was the one that suggested the last meeting? I don't want to chase after him, especially after we had sex. I basically feel extremely insecure now that we have had sex, and I need him to chase after me to reassure me he still likes me. Its not like he has disappeared, he still texts me, but I feel like as I suggested the last meeting even though he cooked for me, I feel he should suggest the next meeting. No? You have to stop beating yourself over having sex with him. You knew it was bound to happen 1) him inviting you over 2) bottles of wine. It's done. You can't reverse that. As mamasita said, step back and go and do your own thing. The sex happened. Nothing you can do to change that. If you want him to chase you, don't make yourself readily available to him. You need to show him you have a life too and are perfectly fine with filling your days with your own activities. And yes, don't ask him out. Also, this texting thing is lazy communication. Next time, pick up the phone and speak to each other. 1
winny Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I completely know that gut feeling of something being not same as before... and the anxiety it causes. There can be 2 things: 1. He has lost interest 2. He hasn't lost interest In either case, your life has to go on. So be strong. If you had suggested the last meeting then this time don't suggest it directly. Maybe say something like - Hey I really want to see this particular movie. Or I have been thinking of trying out this restaurant lately. And see what he says. If his texts are sounding off, give him a call and talk to him and see how he sounds in person. 1
from Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Please stop playing games. If you like him, initiate contact or initiate a date with him. Stop waiting for him to make a move and do it yourself.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Ow! I can't believe some of the advice that you are receiving mariposa_13 does not contain the simplest solution. Just talk to him. You said it yourself that you want to be exclusive with him. So put aside your tradition for a bit, swallow your pride, call him, arrange another date, and tell him that you like him and you want to be exclusive. If you are going to sit idly by, holding on to outdated values and expectations, you will get disappointed and trampled over. Take matters into your own hands. Besides, you will learn real quick what his intentions are anyway. Unless you enjoy the charade and drama. 2
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Hi Frank2thepoint - thanks for your reply. But what if he is dating another girl/s, won't I look a fool for asking to see him again let alone ask for exclusivity? But then if he liked me, he would do it himself right? Edited January 14, 2014 by mariposa_13
organizedchaos Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi Frank2thepoint - thanks for your reply. But what if he is dating another girl/s, won't I look a fool for asking to see him again let alone ask for exclusivity? But then if he liked me, he would do it himself right? Better to know now.
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 To be honest, I am just insulted that he hasn't arranged to meet up especially now that we have had sex. So the last thing I feel like doing is chase after him requesting to see him. I feel like I'm desperate or something 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 To be honest, I am just insulted that he hasn't arranged to meet up especially now that we have had sex. So the last thing I feel like doing is chase after him requesting to see him. I feel like I'm desperate or something You are not being desperate. You want answers and a relationship. If you really want that, then just ask him out again and talk to him. Yes I agree with you totally that since you guys had sex, he should be showing more interest in you. But try to see it from his point of view since you said he is shy. Maybe he feels you just want a fling since you rarely make the first move. And if by some chance he is just looking for a sexual relationship, wouldn't you want to know as soon as possible before you let this drag on?
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I don't think he would think I am just after a fling though, cos I told him I hadn't had sex in a while - so he would probably realise I'm not the casual sex kind of girl.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I don't think he would think I am just after a fling though, cos I told him I hadn't had sex in a while - so he would probably realise I'm not the casual sex kind of girl. You're assuming. How would he know this? You didn't even tell him you want to be exclusive. Are you that afraid of what you may find out if you were to call him?
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Mammasita - so are you saying I shouldn't suggest to meet up, and let him ask me as and when it happens? Let him reach out to you - stop chasing. Ultimately what I'm saying is that you need to posture yourself for whatever happens. Occupy yourself and your thought with positive things and activities. If he reaches out - FANTASTIC - Guess what? You'll be all the more attractive to him. If he turns out to be a douche - Guess what? You have all of these other fantastic things going on. Win - Win. 1
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Its not that I am afraid of what I may find out, I am afraid of how I will come off as and whether I will scare him off even more (that is if the way he is behaving is cos hes scared of me!) Anyway, all this aside... I think I will ask him if he wants to meet. and see what he says, and if he does, and if it goes well then i will ask him about exclusivity and whether he is dating anyone else. Good idea? 2
Chico333 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Wow this is almost identical to the post I posted a couple days ago and am currently going through. The ONLY difference is that after we slept together I initiated or next meetup because I felt confident enough since the last one HE ALSO MADE ME DINNER and we ended up sleeping together (after a few previous dates). We have gone out twice since he made dinner and invited me to a weekend event a couple weeks from now. I would suggest that since it has been several days since then that you initiate to meet up with him. I am certain it will not seem desperate at all because it has been a few days of no contact and based on that you can take it from there and possibly talk to him about it when you get together or wait to see if he brings anything up. With my guy and I, we also have not talked about any type of exclusivity and he never texts me (though he rarely did from the get-go) only to plan our dates or to say Hi DAYS later. So I am also wary and do not want to appear clingy and just am not sure why he never texts. The dating game can be annoying!
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Anyway, all this aside... I think I will ask him if he wants to meet. and see what he says, and if he does, and if it goes well then i will ask him about exclusivity and whether he is dating anyone else. Good idea? Yes, very good idea. Don't be afraid. It's better to know then being in the dark and worrying. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 The dating game can be annoying! The dating game is annoying. Because when it's a game, someone wins and someone loses.
winny Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Oops I posted my question here... Will create a new thread... Lol Edited January 14, 2014 by winny Wrong post
organizedchaos Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Its not that I am afraid of what I may find out, I am afraid of how I will come off as and whether I will scare him off even more (that is if the way he is behaving is cos hes scared of me!) Anyway, all this aside... I think I will ask him if he wants to meet. and see what he says, and if he does, and if it goes well then i will ask him about exclusivity and whether he is dating anyone else. Good idea? OMG, communication in a relationship! Who would have thought?
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 well we are not exactly in a relationship! he hasn't even told me he likes me! all he could be after is just sex!
Author mariposa_13 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I made the decision to ask him to meet, and he agreed and asked me out this weekend. So maybe he was waiting for me to initiate?? So, I'm going to get a feel for how its going and then perhaps ask him if he is dating anyone else.
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