Dating: Dealing with Fixer-Uppers.

[CaliGuy]

Since I haven't contributed in a while and based off some of my recent dating experiences I thought I would add some valuable knowledge to pass along. Obviously you've read some of my older material from 2006/2007 (that's how long it's been!) so here's something I've been experiencing lately:

 

If you know how people like to buy "fixer-upper" houses, flip them and then put them up for sale, then you know that many times these fixer-uppers end up losing money.

 

In the same way when you start dating someone and you realize right off the bat "Hey, this person is broken -- a fixer-upper -- and I will fix them" then I want you to realize a few things.

 

1. If they are broken, YOU cannot fix them.

2. If you continue to stay in the relationship hoping he/she will change, you are wasting your time.

3. In the VERY rare event that person does change, if they become a better person, they will realize they no longer need you.

 

Do you remember "Top Gun" the movie? Remember what happened to Goose? He was smart enough to pull the ejection handle and eject. Unfortunately for him, he hit his head on the canopy and died.

 

Now, that won't happen to you -- but you do need to learn much sooner during the courtship on "when to pull the ejection handle".

 

The basic rule I want you to understand is this: "If it's broken, don't try to fix it." We're all compassionate people and want to help others, but if you are going to help someone who is so broken they cannot sustain relationships, then be a MENTOR not a lover. Remove yourself from the relationship so that you do not get sucked into the void of relationship disasters.

 

Cheers.

[Lauriebell82]

My sister is actually in this situation. Her current boyfriend doesn't have a good past, he got a girl pregnant when he was 20, drug dealer/pot smoker for a living, went to jail for a few years, never went to college.

 

 

Long story short, hooked up with my sister prior to going to jail, got out and they got back together. He is now clean and sober and in college trying to better himself (without her nagging) but it still bothers her that he is not the responsible adult that she is. They are both 26.

 

 

I don't know if there is hope for their relationship, as I feel like part of her is ALWAYS going to be annoyed at the fact that he is not at "her level."

 

 

I dated a screw up also when I was younger and although he attempted to get his act together of his own volition, unfortunately it didn't last and I got annoyed and broke up with him.

 

 

It's been my experience that those types of relationships don't end very well. I hope it's different for my sister's sake though.

[USMCHokie]

What are your thoughts "physical" fixer uppers...? That is, improving their looks...?

[CaliGuy]

What are your thoughts "physical" fixer uppers...? That is, improving their looks...?

 

Mentally. He/She could have everything you'd ever desire in the looks department but if their brain isn't (ie: They do stupid things, they are self-centered, they ignore morality, etc) then they are not the right person.

 

I guess it's the long-winded way of saying "What is on the outside counts for very little compared to WHAT the person is "inside" so to speak.

[USMCHokie]

Mentally. He/She could have everything you'd ever desire in the looks department but if their brain isn't (ie: They do stupid things, they are self-centered, they ignore morality, etc) then they are not the right person.

 

I guess it's the long-winded way of saying "What is on the outside counts for very little compared to WHAT the person is "inside" so to speak.

 

Of course, I'd agree. However, what if their inside is exactly what you're looking for but the outside could be fixed up...? What if there's lots of potential there to have the total package...? Do you take the chance...?

 

I guess I read your OP a little differently.

[CaliGuy]

Of course, I'd agree. However, what if their inside is exactly what you're looking for but the outside could be fixed up...? What if there's lots of potential there to have the total package...? Do you take the chance...?

 

I guess I read your OP a little differently.

 

Let me rephrase for you.

 

If you are completely in love with WHO they are on the inside, what is on the outside should matter very little. And if you try to change the outside appearance, then that means you are not 100% into WHO that person is.

 

Are you tracking me? You shouldn't care nor wish to change the outside if what is on the inside is perfect for you.

[USMCHokie]

Let me rephrase for you.

 

If you are completely in love with WHO they are on the inside, what is on the outside should matter very little. And if you try to change the outside appearance, then that means you are not 100% into WHO that person is.

 

Are you tracking me? You shouldn't care nor wish to change the outside if what is on the inside is perfect for you.

 

I guess that's where we differ, but it's consistent with your OP...I'd only be compatible with someone whose personality made them care about how they looked on the outside.

[CaliGuy]

I guess that's where we differ, but it's consistent with your OP...I'd only be compatible with someone whose personality made them care about how they looked on the outside.

 

Well -- what if there's only so much they can do on the outside? Say a physical trait that simply cannot be fixed unless they got plastic surgery. Would you tell them "I won't date you until you get a nose job!" ??

 

Of course not. Well, I hope not.....

[carhill]

If the bones are good, fixer-uppers can be a real good value, both in real estate and relationships.

[CaliGuy]

If the bones are good, fixer-uppers can be a real good value, both in real estate and relationships.

 

Not in this case. This fixer-upper I am thinking about is way beyond repair and I am doing my damnedest to leave it alone and not interfere.

[Shepp]

If the bones are good, fixer-uppers can be a real good value, both in real estate and relationships.

 

I'd be inclined to agree.

What is it they say? Something like: Better to find a rough diamond than a perfect pebble.

[FitChick]

If the person that needs fixing likes you enough, they might be motivated to change. I've seen it happen.

[Mrlonelyone]

If the person that needs fixing likes you enough, they might be motivated to change. I've seen it happen.

 

Maybe women should just find men who are already what they want and take those men for who they are instead of trying to fix them.

 

i.e. Instead of hoping that enough poon tang will make a bad boy outlaw biker into a devoted hubby, just forgo the outlaw biker and find a devoted hubby.

 

Or just wait until the next 1000 years pass.

 

Futurama: Bear 'Hospital'

 

By then the male bots favorite things will be commitment and changing themselves.

[CaliGuy]

Maybe women should just find men who are already what they want and take those men for who they are instead of trying to fix them.

 

i.e. Instead of hoping that enough poon tang will make a bad boy outlaw biker into a devoted hubby, just forgo the outlaw biker and find a devoted hubby.

 

Or just wait until the next 1000 years pass.

 

Futurama: Bear 'Hospital'

 

By then the male bots favorite things will be commitment and changing themselves.

 

While I agree with you, the problem is attraction and what causes it. For some it's the outside, for others it's the inside. The problem is when you cannot get both into alignment.

 

This is why women try to change bad boys.

This is why men stay with b*tchy/narcissistic women.

 

If the whole package isn't right, you're doomed to failure UNLESS you are willing to bend. However, if you have boundaries and what behavior is acceptable or not, that is something you should never bend on.

 

Good men don't need to be "bad boys" to attract.

Physical qualities, while appealing, are not deal breakers.

 

It's the whole package that matters. I still do not understand why people don't get this.

[CaliGuy]

Just as an update, this woman is a bona-fied nut case. Doesn't want to work, doesn't want to finish her school, doesn't want to finish her education, doesn't want to do anything but sleep all day and party all night. Midlife Crises (No pun intended to Faith No More) for sure. What I know is to walk away.

 

She is just like my ex and I am smart enough to walk away (which I have done). Only she can fix herself and any intervention on my part leads to destruction.

 

Men, when you run into women like this, let them wallow in their own crapulence and stay as far away from them as you can.

[jphcbpa]

I am willing to work with a partner in a R if they want to work on themselves. I was willing to do that with my recent ex. She went at it alone.

 

I started making a list of questions for future women I will date in order to find out if they are a fixer upper. Life is too short for them at this point in my life.

 

If they tell me about a traumatic experience in their life, I am going to ask them if they got help around that loss (ie: 12 step support or therapy ect). If they have not, then my question will be why? At that point, I would probably tell them that they need to work on that before they can be with me (might not say it out loud, but to myself). For me, I have worked too hard to become the man I am today. I am able to give 100% because I have spent years working on me. I have done too much work to settle for someone who can only offer me 25% of themselves because they are emotionally blocked to give more.

[CaliGuy]

I am willing to work with a partner in a R if they want to work on themselves. I was willing to do that with my recent ex. She went at it alone.

 

I started making a list of questions for future women I will date in order to find out if they are a fixer upper. Life is too short for them at this point in my life.

 

If they tell me about a traumatic experience in their life, I am going to ask them if they got help around that loss (ie: 12 step support or therapy ect). If they have not, then my question will be why? At that point, I would probably tell them that they need to work on that before they can be with me (might not say it out loud, but to myself). For me, I have worked too hard to become the man I am today. I am able to give 100% because I have spent years working on me. I have done too much work to settle for someone who can only offer me 25% of themselves because they are emotionally blocked to give more.

 

Exactly. I think she's still hurt over a past relationship and has never truly gotten over it. She accidentally told me she still has "some of his clothes". Ugh. I would toss that crap out. That's how you start healing. In this case, she is hanging on to her past which is effecting her future.

 

She is not 100%. She's about 10% healed.

I am 100% healed and do not have the time or patience to deal with a fixxer-upper.

 

So I agree with everything you just said.

[ascendotum]

While I agree with you, the problem is attraction and what causes it. For some it's the outside, for others it's the inside. The problem is when you cannot get both into alignment.

 

This is why women try to change bad boys.

This is why men stay with b*tchy/narcissistic women.

 

If the whole package isn't right, you're doomed to failure UNLESS you are willing to bend.

 

While women will date bad boys, and they would like them to change (when commitment time comes), I would not call those guys 'fixer uppers'. Those guys are not damaged, need to be emotionally repaired.

 

As for guys who are with b*tchy/narcissistic women, I don't believe these guys set out to mold them or fix them. In my observations they tolerate the attitude from the women because she is attractive and they are somewhat shallow (many of these guys wont stick around for long term though) or because they don't have a lot of options and she is the best they can get looks wise, but comes with a crappy personality which they have to put up with (these guys do end in in LTRs with them). Most guys don't love bitches, like women do with bad boys.

[CaliGuy]

While women will date bad boys, and they would like them to change (when commitment time comes), I would not call those guys 'fixer uppers'. Those guys are not damaged, need to be emotionally repaired.

 

As for guys who are with b*tchy/narcissistic women, I don't believe these guys set out to mold them or fix them. In my observations they tolerate the attitude from the women because she is attractive and they are somewhat shallow (many of these guys wont stick around for long term though) or because they don't have a lot of options and she is the best they can get looks wise, but comes with a crappy personality which they have to put up with (these guys do end in in LTRs with them). Most guys don't love bitches, like women do with bad boys.

 

Im having a hard time correlating the difference between a bad boy (arsehole) and a b*tchy woman. Same thing. Both are selfish and demanding (narcissistic). What's the difference?

[CaliGuy]

Interesting advice, and sounds accurate. My ex was a nobody I stayed by her side for years until she graduated college. Might as well have been the day she graduated our relationship was over.

 

Broken women that fix themselves no longer need the attention of the person who was there trying to rescue them. As you have seen, once they are fully healed they want to distance themselves from the guy who helped them get fixed.

 

Men who do this are simply placeholders for the next guy to come along. If you can recognize that the woman isn't healthy (and in my case, it's clearly evident), then you run away -- FAST! Wait for someone else who doesn't need you to fix them up, they fixed themselves.

 

And you -- do the same thing. Fix yourself, don't depend on someone else to "fix" you.

[Kingston100]

When I was 18 I started dating a 19 year old guy who smoked, still dressed like he was in high school, didn't have any career asperations and didn't treat his Mother with any respect.

 

I assumed these things would change with age and maturity.

 

At 27, I broke up with a 28 year old guy who smoked, still dressed like he was in high school (literally would fight with him about ironing his pants to attend weddings), had a Masters degree and plans for a career but no job, and didn't treat his Mother with any respect.

 

He was shocked. My breaking up with him came completely out of the blue. I basically explained that my feelings changed and as much as it hurts to hear it I realized I didn't want to marry him. When in reality, I just wised up and realized that I had never wanted to marry him... but rather my fantasy of what he could be.

[Candy_Pants]

Don't kid yourself dear, we are ALL fixer-uppers. And we all change, though not always for the better.

[Tayken]

@OP....what a weird correlation At first glance, I thought it was to do with you meeting someone that needed some work done on their house, you helped them and then they dumped you

 

Anyway....I don't think we've met, but was dating that good to warrant the hiatus? Welcome back anyway, and am guessing this is based on your experience...a pet project that turned to be a no go?

 

I had a date who told me that she was common law twice, it seems from her story that her place was attained by this means, and she used the 2nd guy to do stuff to the house. She let it slip that her place needs some work....that was my cue to bail

 

There are more fishes where that came from

[RedRobin]

I guess that's where we differ, but it's consistent with your OP...I'd only be compatible with someone whose personality made them care about how they looked on the outside.

 

 

Same here... I was seeing a guy I liked very much and we had a great time together.... but he didn't seem super compelled to improve his looks via concentrated exercise, diet etc.

 

 

I knew it was something that was always going to annoy me. I'm heading to the gym or ride the bike a good 40-50 miles... and he'd rather curl up with a book or go for a walk.

 

 

Plus, I knew it was only going to get worse the older he got. I want someone who is balanced and who I don't have to nag to be motivated to improve themselves. I need a self-starter. Not a fixer-upper.

 

 

He had some issues at work he was complaining about too... I offered some suggestions when he brought up the topic and he had excuses why he couldn't change this or that. Internally I thought... huh... likes to whine instead of try new things. Got it.

[BradJacobs]

Do you remember "Top Gun" the movie? Remember what happened to Goose? He was smart enough to pull the ejection handle and eject. Unfortunately for him, he hit his head on the canopy and died.

 

Way to ruin the movie for me!