When a Girl Messages You First on OLD

[Frivolous]

Yep iv experienced much of the same as OP. I do think sometimes that there are some fake people making the convos to keep people using the site. For instance I talked to one girl for weeks, agreed to meet up then NOTHING? pretty strange! Many other convos that just fizzled out but I know I'm don't always give exciting answers and like others mention there is oodles of competition.

 

I just take it that if my profile and pic is not enough to get more than a couple messages out of someone then they're a waste of time anyway.

 

Plenty of fish in the sea but just avoid crabs

[Marks]

Meant to add:

 

Asking about her job just seemed to come out of left field and what possible answer could she give besides explaining it? There is nothing particularly conversation-opening about that. Asking for further explanation is even more tedious as now it's an interview and we're on Linked-In versus potentially getting to know each other for a date. On a date you can probably discuss jobs or after you've talked a bit, but if I compliment a man and then he thanks me then asks about my job, I'm not sure where to go from there after I explain it. Or actually, it didn't have to turn out horribly, if you didn't understand it you could have played that up like "Well you can explain more when we go out" (well not necessarily that, but something flirty), asking for more details when you all haven't had any other conversation before just sounds like we're discussing resumes now and it's easy to see why that would fall flat.

 

I see what you're saying, and I can certainly understand that a conversation can get pretty stale talking about jobs, but it's not like we were going on and on about her job...it just seemed like a natural question to ask because she brought up her coworker. It would have ended at that if her explanation about her work was more general like "neurobiology" or something, instead of "imaging with such and such." How was I supposed to know what that means? So that's why I asked her a follow up question.

 

Besides, if she didn't want to talk about work, couldn't she have steered the conversation in a different direction? She could've easily asked me an un-related question and the conversation could've kept going.

 

I feel like if someone is genuinely interested in somebody, they'll at least try to make the conversation work if possible. Not every interaction is going to go perfectly. Why throw in the towel so quickly? And if you don't plan on carrying on a conversation, then why message someone in the first place?

[Aquanut]

Why did you ignore the first initial message?

 

I meant WITHOUT a picture. I don't generally respond to people without pictures. The one I was mentioning seemed desperate to get a response from me and made multiple attempts including the casual sex comment to try to get me to bite.

 

I only responded once to someone without a picture. She said hi xxxx (my real name) I don't know if you remember me but we have met before. Then she described herself and said if I could guess her name she would buy me a beer. I guessed on the second try and we dated for a while. Still good friends to this day. Classy woman. But she was in an important job and didn't want people to see she was online dating.

[turt]

Don't worry about it. They're just keeping you from wasting your time! All this means is that they have no interests/hobbies and there is really no substance to their life. They'll never have a relationship get very far since the flirting can only last for a short period.... there's a reason why some women are online!

[pteromom]

I hate to be one of those guys who needs their hand-held, but what do I say? Do I try to be sarcastic in response to her lack of reply by saying something like, "Sounds exciting! lol" and then moving onto another topic? Or do I ignore her lack of response altogether and just ask about something else? I'm not sure how to segue into another topic after getting no reply from her.

 

Ignore the lack of response and just ask about something else.

 

Don't worry about the segue.

[pteromom]

I feel like if someone is genuinely interested in somebody, they'll at least try to make the conversation work if possible. Not every interaction is going to go perfectly. Why throw in the towel so quickly? And if you don't plan on carrying on a conversation, then why message someone in the first place?

 

OLD is harsh. You can't take this sort of stuff personally.

 

But I will say this: You miss 100% of the tries you never attempt. There may be a 80% chance that she won't write you back, but you aren't investing much to try for the 20% by writing a message. You lose nothing by trying.

[Marks]

Ignore the lack of response and just ask about something else.

 

Don't worry about the segue.

 

Well, I tried...but no dice. I tried making a joke about her not replying, but I don't think it came across the way I had intended--or maybe she just wasn't interested anymore after the previous message I sent her.

 

But the madness continues.

 

Day before yesterday I decided to send messages to four women, and to my surprise 3/4 responded. Then a fourth girl sent me a message. Suffice it to say that is my record for the number of replies I've received in a row--especially in one night.

 

But...looks like all but one are duds:

 

Girl 1

Me: "What are some historical novels you like?" (she says in her profile that she likes historical novels.)

Girl 1: (lists out some novels)

Me: "Interesting...I'm not familiar with those. How did you discover them?"

Girl 1: (No response)

 

Girl 2

Me: "So how far along are you in your bucket list?"

Girl 2: (Talks about some things she's done like finishing grad school and finding a job. And how she wants to get her license soon and wants to buy a house. Then she says she won't talk about the smaller things on her list because otherwise we'll lose some fun things to talk about. Then she asks for my name and whether it's true that I speak the foreign language that I list on my profile. She says that she's 1/4 <insert country of origin> and that she's always wanted to learn the language.)

Me: "Indeed, those are some big achievements! What did you study in grad school? My name is <...>. Yup, I do speak the language. I used to live in <insert country> for a few years when I was younger and it really helped me become fluent in the language." Then I go on to ask what the rest of her cultural heritage is.

Girl 2: (Proceeds to tell me what she studied and that she's essentially a psychologist without a PhD and gets paid less. Then tells me what the rest of her heritage is. No further follow up questions for me.)

Me: (I tell her I have some of that cultural heritage too (in an excited tone). Then I ask about whether the picture of her jumping out of a plane was something she did for her bucket list.)

Girl 2: (No response). It's a bummer too, because this interaction seemed the most promising.

 

Girl 3

Me: "This might be a long shot, but do you by any chance go to <insert school name>?"

Girl 3: "Lol, no I don't. Why, do you work there?"

Me: "Shoot! Well, at least I tried, lol. No, but I used to go to school there. I figured maybe that because you listed pre-med that you go to school there. So what school do you go to?"

Girl 3: (Tells me that she goes to school X, but used to go to school Y. Hopes to transfer to school Z pretty soon.)

Me: "Cool! My friend goes to school Z. So are you originally from <insert city>?"

Girl 3: "Well, kinda...lol."

Me: "Kinda?"

Girl 3: (No response.)

 

Girl 4

Girl 4: "I bet you would feel tall next to me!"

Me: "Haha, not necessarily...I don't really feel that tall compared to most people. Height's not really a big deal to me."

Girl 4: "...I was just kidding...how was your day?"

Me: Haven't responded yet...I realize that she was joking, but I wasn't sure what the best way to respond was. So that's why I responded the way I did.

 

Are my responses really that bad? I mean, I don't think they're too different than what I would ask about in real life, and at least in person I don't think that the conversations would be considered abnormal. I especially don't get what happened to Girl 2. Her initial response seemed pretty enthusiastic...and then *poof*! Gone. The main problem I see with that one is I didn't reply to her second response until a day later (it was late when I initially messaged her, so I ended up going to bed after I sent her my first reply and didn't log back into the site until after work the next day). Did she get offended that I didn't respond to her quick enough?

[Chica411]

At least you write back! I have no problem writing guys first, and I actually prefer it. In my area POF is full of scum lol Many don't write back, others fade away because I realize that he really wasn't what I was looking for. Just keep at it, and only reply if interested, if not say you aren't.

[kodakgirl]

When I write a guy first, what I really want to see on a reply is enthusiasm. I don't mean that in a 'he should be oh so grateful a woman wrote to him!" way, but if my message and profile interest him, I want to see it (if not, I'd prefer no response). So, say, I write a short message saying something about his profile, something in it I relate to/ that appeals to me, I ask question. At this point I have no idea if he's interested. If he writes back within 24 hours saying hello, nice to meet me, responding to thing A I said and expanding on it, answering the question and expanding on it, and asking me at least one question relating to something in my profile I haven't mentioned yet, I feel my interest is returned and I will do the same and after a couple of these, growing gradually longer, we will meet up.

 

Sometimes I do get responses, but I feel an absence of enthusiasm, and then I will assume he isn't very interested, but replying out of courtesy or boredom. I feel a lack of enthusiasm if a) a reply takes more than 2 days (though if a reason is given and other marks of enthusiasm are there I can overlook this), b) he doesn't expand on anything, he just gives a basic answer, c) he doesn't ask any follow up questions (a big one), d) he doesn't refer to anything in my profile I didn't mention, and e) his tone just sounds flat (this one is the most subjective, but I really like guys who are enthusiastic and happy and don't 'play it cool' so ideally I'd like to see at least one smiley, exclamation point, or bit of silliness). If enough of these are present, I won't respond. I definitely don't speak for all women, but that is my pov. Your interaction with girl #2 looks pretty good to me, the kind of thing I am looking for-- who knows why she didn't respond, but I'd carry on in that vein!

Edited January 16, 2014 by kodakgirl

[salparadise]

I get messages from people who think all they have to do is say "Hey, I like your profile" or send one of those lame winks, and then expect me to go into pursuit mode... me writing witty, entertaining messages and them responding with just a lame sentence or two. It fizzles because they're not willing to make an effort. I also don't like it when they ask probing, qualifying questions. Banter, humor and teasing are nice. Talking about interesting places, hobbies or ideas works too if based on a common interest. Make a list of the most obvious question and never ask them.

[Phantom888]

When I was on OLD, I got quite a few "wink" and comments every week. About half of them eventually led to a 1st date. I always reply back, "tell me more about yourself....I'm interested." ....that is if I am actually interested. If no interest, then I reply, "thanks."

 

It takes a lot of guts for women to express their interest upfront to a man. So they must be really interested if they take the initiative. My current GF contacted me on Match, and commented "nice smile." When I saw her profile and her picture, I couldn't wait to respond. I told her that she is really attractive on her photos, and her profile sounds interesting to me. We talked on the phone for 3 hours, and had a 1st date a week later. That was it. We are approaching our 8 months next week, and I am going to propose to her early March.

[pteromom]

I don't think your responses are that bad. They are a little formal sounding, but the girl that's right for you will respond to the way you communicate.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. It is great that you are getting so many responses. Keep moving forward and you'll find that one that you click with.

[Marks]

I don't think your responses are that bad. They are a little formal sounding, but the girl that's right for you will respond to the way you communicate.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. It is great that you are getting so many responses. Keep moving forward and you'll find that one that you click with.

 

Shoot, formal sounding? Not what I was going for, that's for sure. It's funny actually, because some time ago it was pointed out that I was being to "cutesy" by using too many exclamation marks and smileys. So I've been trying to cut down a bit on that so that I didn't come off as too eager. Maybe I've cut down a little too much

 

It's funny you say that though, because in person I tend to talk pretty casually-- I use a lot of slang and try to make humorous comparisons when explaining things. It's just when I write that I tend to use a more formal tone, probably because of the line of work I'm in (academia).

 

For example, if I had said in person what I wrote to the girl in the first example, it probably wouldn't have been a problem. Just my tone of voice would've probably indicated that I was just being curious and not trying to neg her.