Marks Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 What's the best way to reply to a girl when she's the one who messages you first on OLD? I know this depends on what she writes you in the first place, but do you ask questions about things she writes on her profile to get to know her a bit, or do you try to be more flirty and hope to charm her that way? I ask because I've had a handful of women who were the first ones to initiate contact on OLD over the past few months, but all the interactions seemed to have fizzled out very quickly within one or two messages. Seeing as how it's generally seen as uncommon for women to message men first (because they don't really have to), I feel like I'm wasting valuable opportunities. The best example of this would be my latest interaction. A girl messages me with something along the lines of "you look a lot like this guy I work with, but a bit cuter ;)" to which I reply with a "Haha, thanks :)" and proceed to ask her what kind of work she does. Within the hour she replies with a short technical blurb about what she does. I didn't get a chance to log back into OKC until the next day, but when I do I go ahead and ask her a little bit more about her work (because I wasn't too familiar with what her explanation meant), but I never ended up getting a reply back. What gives? In retrospect I'm thinking that maybe it was just boring to be asking her about her work, and that what she was really getting at was some sort of flirtatious exchange. I'm thinking that I should have responded with a "oh really? What makes you say that (that I look like your coworker)?" or something along those lines. I know this is all hypothetical, that there could be a million reasons why she didn't reply back, but this seems to be a pattern with girls that message me first. They'll either stop replying within one or two messages, or they'll reply with really basic answers, with no further follow up questions for me, and just stop replying after a few more messages. I just don't understand why they bother messaging me in the first place if they're not going to carry on the conversation! Or am I just boring them with trying to get to know them a bit better? So frustrating.
central Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 In my experience, 90% of contacts initiated by women end after a few emails - it's really no different than when I initiated first. Mostly, we're not compatible in some way, and there's no point in continuing. If there's nothing in their profile or email to indicate something you can talk about, it's hard to write - and so many seem to write useless one-liners that give me nothing to work with. They are usually a waste of time anyway.
soccerrprp Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Just be aware that some of these people are playing, toying with you. It's unfortunate, but some will do this.
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Just be aware that some of these people are playing, toying with you. It's unfortunate, but some will do this. I never messaged a man first just to toy with him. I only messaged because I was interested. Messages fizzled because he didn't hold up his end of the convo (boring) and/or wasn't interested in me enough. 7
MrMeh Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You could try to be funny about it. "I guess I'll be switching jobs soon.", or something like that. Have fun with it and don't be to uptight about every opportunity.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 The best example of this would be my latest interaction. A girl messages me with something along the lines of "you look a lot like this guy I work with, but a bit cuter " to which I reply with a "Haha, thanks " and proceed to ask her what kind of work she does. Within the hour she replies with a short technical blurb about what she does. I didn't get a chance to log back into OKC until the next day, but when I do I go ahead and ask her a little bit more about her work (because I wasn't too familiar with what her explanation meant), but I never ended up getting a reply back. What gives? She stopped responding because you were boring to her by asking about work. You should've tried to build rapport by being flirtatious. Push the envelope a bit and joke around with her. After a few messages, ask her when she is free in the week to meetup and continue flirting IRL. The whole point of OLD is for trying to get a date for whatever your reasons are (ie: FWB, just dating, or LTR). Be direct, be polite, flirt a lot, and try to close by getting a date. If she hesitates, makes excuses, or says anything else beside "Yes, let's meet up", drop her, and move on. 1
TXGuy Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) You are correct to recognize you are mishandling golden opportunities. A woman who contacts you first is orders of magnitude more interested in you than one that has not (on average). You need to do your part and demonstrate you are interesting and or interested in her. Humor is probably the best and easiest way to go. For example, she said you looked like someone she works with, only cuter. Your reply could be something like: "it must be exciting to work with Brad Pitt". (Or whichever hunky celebrity you have even the most passing resemblance to. The key is to make her smile and want to continue the interaction. Edited January 14, 2014 by TXGuy Typos 3
isisisweeping Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 For me, if I messaged someone and it fizzled, I'd think it was not very good conversation in the related sense I would assume he wasn't very interested. If you've already messaged first and the interest doesn't seem to be there... There were a couple guys who did not ask me to meet even with positive response from me and just kept texting that I assumed that about. They kept texting but without an invite out, I assume that's all they want to do.
Thegreatestthing Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I don't want to say work topic is boring,because some people's work is very interesting and exciting but yes I think if you asked me that question I would have found it a bit dull and formal.i remember not replying in an instance like that. okcupid people are quite quirky usually,and don't ask the usual questions.
RedRobin Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I've emailed guys first lots of times. It fizzles out, or I won't respond back, if he doesn't take a moment to look at my profile and respond back with something tying in our mutual interests, or some humor, or something else interesting... That's what I do when I email him.... I'm just looking for a little reciprocation. Questions about work are boring, unless he and I happen to have a similar career or job description (see... looking for similar interests!) Humor is great too. Avoid emails that sound like an interview...
normal person Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Here's what I do, assuming I like them back, that's never failed: 1). They message/wink/like whatever 2). My reply: "Ok, I'll bite, thanks so much for your message, that's sweet. I see you (something in the profile), do you (question related to that infused with a non-sexual joke)? 3). Her reply: She answers the question and probably asks a reciprocal one 4). My reply: I answer the question and say "I'll admit you do seem pretty nice so if you want to give me your number, I can text you all about (the joke/topic you were discussing) and then I'll see if you want to hang out, sound good?" 5). Her reply: "Sounds good! 555-5555" OR If you're really feeling bold, you can disqualify her and I find that often times leads to them offering up their phone number without you even having to ask. Me: "Hey, thanks so much for your message but I've sort of got a full plate of Match stuff going on at the moment. That being said, you seem really nice so maybe I'll get in touch when things settle down a little!" Her": "OK, sounds good...let me know if you want to get a drink or something. 555-5555" But for the record, I never say that to girls I actually want to go out with.
Author Marks Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 So it looks like barring the possibility that these girls are just playing with me, it seems that the consensus is that I reply with boring messages That's what I'm thinking too...problem is, I'm not exactly that great with flirting, whether in real life or online. I mean, if I met a girl in person, I'd probably also be asking about what she does for a living, where she goes to school, where she likes to travel, etc. When it comes to flirting, I feel like I'm the male version of the Tina Fey character who can't tell when a guy's hitting on her. And so I don't know if I'm supposed to be fun and flirtatious with a girl, or if I'm just supposed to have a normal conversation. And how do you tell through OLD? I mean, I don't want to come off as creepy. Absurd, I know, but it boils down to my lack of experience with girls and nobody teaching me how to interact with them properly. So I think I come across as boring and no fun to be around. Anyway, that aside, I'm assuming there isn't any way to salvage the interaction with the girl in my example? (because who are we kidding, that just happened yesterday ) 1
normal person Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 If the subject matter is boring, use humor. "Yeah, I work in accounts. So I do evaluations, audits... you know, real adrenaline-pumping stuff."
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 There are books and YouTube videos on helping you be a bit more flirtatious. Take advantage of these tools and better yourself. If you know you want to improve something about yourself, do it. Don't wallow in pity.
pteromom Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I don't know if you are just shy, or if you aren't good at humor, but it is ok if you aren't - not everyone is! You don't have to force yourself to be someone you aren't. Just LOL if she is trying to be funny. The important thing is to show interest in her. For the 2nd message, you should have moved the convo away from work, and instead, talked about something in her profile, and offered something about yourself as well. I would re-kindle the conversation. If she messaged you first and thinks you are cute, you have a good chance of getting her interest back. Write her one more message, and if she responds, ask for her number. 2
365daysgone Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 No one here thinks it's ridiculous tht him asking the girl about what she does for a living is considered boring? He's interested in getting to know her. What is wrong with his questions? How is it boring? He couldn't even get passed 3 messages with this girl before she became bored...that says to me that girls that do this are just looking for ego boosts. They are looking for a guy to entertain them. Kind of why dating has become so ridiculous. You have to work in things just for the success even if they are things you wouldn't otherwise say. It's all a game.
Author Marks Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) I would re-kindle the conversation. If she messaged you first and thinks you are cute, you have a good chance of getting her interest back. Write her one more message, and if she responds, ask for her number. I hate to be one of those guys who needs their hand-held, but what do I say? Do I try to be sarcastic in response to her lack of reply by saying something like, "Sounds exciting! lol" and then moving onto another topic? Or do I ignore her lack of response altogether and just ask about something else? I'm not sure how to segue into another topic after getting no reply from her. No one here thinks it's ridiculous tht him asking the girl about what she does for a living is considered boring? He's interested in getting to know her. What is wrong with his questions? How is it boring? From my personal standpoint I do think it's a bit ridiculous, but then again I'm not a girl, so I don't know what the experience is like from their perspective. Maybe in this case I just phrased things incorrectly and that put her off. Who knows. My only guess would be that some girls are ones that like to be more playful in their interactions with guys and not really having more serious I-want-to-get-to-know-you conversations. A characteristic I tend to attribute more to younger twenty-somethings. I don't know though if this particular girl is that kind of a girl. She's 24 and doing a PhD program. I'm 26. The main thing that got me thinking that she was looking for a more flirtatious exchange is the fact that she opened up with the "but you're cuter ;)" line. Edited January 14, 2014 by Marks
365daysgone Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I hate to be one of those guys who needs their hand-held, but what do I say? Do I try to be sarcastic in response to her lack of reply by saying something like, "Sounds exciting! lol" and then moving onto another topic? Or do I ignore her lack of response altogether and just ask about something else? I'm not sure how to segue into another topic after getting no reply from her. From my personal standpoint I do think it's a bit ridiculous, but then again I'm not a girl, so I don't know what the experience is like from their perspective. Maybe in this case I just phrased things incorrectly and that put her off. Who knows. My only guess would be that some girls are ones that like to be more playful in their interactions with guys and not really having more serious I-want-to-get-to-know-you conversations. A characteristic I tend to attribute more to younger twenty-somethings. I don't know though if this particular girl is that kind of a girl. She's 24 and doing a PhD program. I'm 26. The main thing that got me thinking that she was looking for a more flirtatious exchange is the fact that she opened up with the "but you're cuter ;)" line. You have to understand something though. She is getting flooded with messages from dozens of guys. She's probably sending messages to dozens of guys. I'd bet that there's someone else that responded that was more attractive and "phrased things better" as you put it. But that's what I mean about it all being ridiculous. You phrased a question about her work in a way that wasn't clever or witty enough? It's such a joke. It's a question. But that is my main issue with online dating. It's a candy shop. In my opinion most girls on there will never settle. Atleast not until they are much older and mature. There are too many options. This is why she disappeared. She's probably setting up dates with 5 different guys right now that were much quicker in responding to her. What should you do? Let her go. If he doesn't have the decency to respond then she isn't interested. Don't send another message. It will just be you playing into her games.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 In my case, if the messaging is really flat and boring, if he shows little interest, or if he reveals a deal breaker I will abondon it. 1
Aquanut Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Ignoring works with some but not most. I had one with a picture send me a message. I ignored. A day or two later she sent me a message asking if I wanted to see her picture. I ignored that. Then she sent me a message asking me what my definition of casual sex was- I had the casual sex box checked in the looking for on my profile. I ignore that one too.
Phoe Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 If a woman messages you first, you don't need to do anything particularly grand. Just message her back and start a polite but interesting conversation. Don't try to get too cheesy or comical. I sent a handful of first messages but I typically either didn't get a response or got very strange responses. All I wanted was a normal human conversation lol. AMAZING how many people can completely botch up something so simple *shrug* haha 1
MissBee Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I never messaged a man first just to toy with him. I only messaged because I was interested. Messages fizzled because he didn't hold up his end of the convo (boring) and/or wasn't interested in me enough. Ditto. When I online dated that was it. Toy with? For what? If I messaged a man it was because I found him attractive and his profile promising. If I didn't reply further was because he didn't hold up his end of the convo which translates as boring or he's just not interested. To the OP: I do think based on her message, the other more flirtatious response would have worked better than "Haha, thanks, what's your job?" I mean...talking about your job just seemed to come out of left field. Every woman is different, but for me, wit and being able to banter and talk easily is ESSENTIAL for me to maintain interest and want to know you more. Every boyfriend I've had and most men I've dated and been into were because whether online or in person, the conversation flowed and I felt good talking to them and we both had things to say...when it falls flat then I lose interest. Other women are this way as well and with some you'll click and some you won't but I would suggest you respond with a bit more banter versus asking about their job, unless what they said is somehow related to that.
365daysgone Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Ignoring works with some but not most. I had one with a picture send me a message. I ignored. A day or two later she sent me a message asking if I wanted to see her picture. I ignored that. Then she sent me a message asking me what my definition of casual sex was- I had the casual sex box checked in the looking for on my profile. I ignore that one too. Why did you ignore the first initial message?
sagetalk Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 When a woman messages you in online dating, you are in a great position. It almost always leads to a date, or at minimum a phone number. Unless you screw it up somehow. Just get her off the site and on the phone as soon as possible. It separates you from the crowd. The message they send makes the difference. Her message: "Hey you look cute!" There isn't much to work with there, she's probably a waste of time. Reply with something you liked about her profile and ask her for her number. If she will not give it you are wasting your time. If she sends something like this: Her message: "Hey, I see you like the beach, so do I! It looks like you have blue eyes too, that's a major turn on for me." Now you're really in business. This is the kind of girl you are looking for. Tell her something flattering about herself (don't over do it), then ask for her number. You can give her yours as well just so see knows who is calling when it rings. If she gives it, ask her out when you call her. It will work, not always, but most of the time.
MissBee Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Meant to add: Asking about her job just seemed to come out of left field and what possible answer could she give besides explaining it? There is nothing particularly conversation-opening about that. Asking for further explanation is even more tedious as now it's an interview and we're on Linked-In versus potentially getting to know each other for a date. On a date you can probably discuss jobs or after you've talked a bit, but if I compliment a man and then he thanks me then asks about my job, I'm not sure where to go from there after I explain it. Or actually, it didn't have to turn out horribly, if you didn't understand it you could have played that up like "Well you can explain more when we go out" (well not necessarily that, but something flirty), asking for more details when you all haven't had any other conversation before just sounds like we're discussing resumes now and it's easy to see why that would fall flat.
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