SugarHibiscus Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I've been lurking for awhile. I decided to register this morning and tell my story. I can't talk to anybody in real life for reasons that will define themselves shortly. I will try to be as concise as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm in my mid-thirties and have been married to my husband for over ten years. We have been together since high school and have small children. I'm currently having an A with a very close friend's live in boyfriend. They've been together for a year and living with each other for 6 months. I am part of a love rectangle. (If there is such a thing.) My H, my bff, my AP and I were close friends in high school. They broke up in college but my H and I stayed together. My AP and I had a tight platonic friendship back in the day. After 15 years of NC, my AP contacted me and we picked up where we left off. He also started dating my bff again. My AP and I started talking every day. Pretty soon it developed into an EA. I didn't see it at the time but it's clear to me now. We spent every weekend together with our SO and had a great time. We transitioned into a PA about 6 months ago. We tried to set parameters to limit our emotional investment in our relationship but I think we were foolish to try a NSA relationship. Our feelings for each other scare me. I know it's cliche but I really do think we are soul mates and I know he does too. We won't pursue our relationship because of the devastation it will cause to all involved. Lately, he's been acting recklessly. When we were secretly alone last weekend, he wanted me to pick up his ringing phone and tell his GF where he was. WTH? He says he wants to take this to his grave but in the next breath he says he wants to run away with me. We've tried to end it because of the guilt/shame we feel, but it hasn't worked. Ugh. Conflicted doesn't describe what I'm feeling. I think about him all the time and he says he thinks about me all the time. I'm also betraying the people closest to me. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Other's thoughts maybe? Experiences?
blue963 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Wow this is really a bad position. Could be possibly be being wreckless in this because he wants to get caught to make it easier to end his other relationship and be with you?
LeGenDary_Man Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) You should divorce your husband since you have finally found a "soul-mate" other then your poor husband. Your husband deserves someone better. But before you file for divorce, be honest with your husband and let him know that you had been/are cheating on him. Also, be generous to your husband in the matters of split-up of assets and parenting responsibilities during divorce-settlement. Edited January 14, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man 6
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Have you really thought this through? What happens when (not IF, it IS when) you two get caught and what happens next? Thought about your kids and life that have now with them under one roof with your husband? This is pure double betrayal, both you and him are making such fools of your husband and his girlfriend. Crimes of passion in an affair are not a joke and people do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit. If you love him and he loves you, then DIVORCE (he splits up with his gf) and be together and take it slowly. Do counseling to help your kids adjust to all the changes and slowly blend your kids into his life. Or, end your affair and focus on reconnecting with your husband and fix "you". You are risking everything and the fallout is going to hurt many innocent people.
Sub Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 How do you feel about your H? I see a lot about the OM. Nothing about your Husband. What does the OM bring to the table that your H doesn't?
Fluttershy Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 The damage is already done and you know that. His recklessness is a sign he wants to be caught either because the guilt is getting to him or he wants out of either the marriage or the A and doesn't feel strong enough to do so. I wouldn't trust him not to confess as he is showing signs that maybe coming. My huband confessed. It happens. The best way to move forward, specially when dealin with the AP being a livewire and the depth of your feelings, is to confess the affair. It will be a lot better even in the case of a divorce if you are forthcoming authentic and honest. It isn't the affair itself that kills it is all the lies and trickle truth. You will not be protecting your husband. What you are doing is holding him captive because he doesn't know the truth. The greatest gift any WS can give their BS is the gift of honesty despite what the proponants of taking it to your grave say. There is no way you can end your marriage, mM end his marriage and you twoget together without it being obious as you are all friends.
Sub Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Here's another thing to consider: For someone who's supposed to be your "soul mate", it's a real d**k move to be the reckless one when it's you who has a family to lose. He can just break up with his gf. Your situation is much, much more complicated. Has he considered that? 5
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 How do you feel about your H? I see a lot about the OM. Nothing about your Husband. What does the OM bring to the table that your H doesn't? My H and I have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. I didn't mention it in my post because I don't think that there is any justification for the way I've been behaving. Our marriage has been through infidelity (on his part), serious financial issues, drinking issues and emotional abuse. My H also looks to me to solve ALL of our problems (big or small) and sees as more of a mother than a spouse. My AP helps me problem solve and has come to my rescue more than once. I know he is not my knight in shining armor though, even though I tend to think of him in that way. Have you really thought this through? What happens when (not IF, it IS when) you two get caught and what happens next? Thought about your kids and life that have now with them under one roof with your husband? This is pure double betrayal, both you and him are making such fools of your husband and his girlfriend. Crimes of passion in an affair are not a joke and people do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit. If you love him and he loves you, then DIVORCE (he splits up with his gf) and be together and take it slowly. Do counseling to help your kids adjust to all the changes and slowly blend your kids into his life. Or, end your affair and focus on reconnecting with your husband and fix "you". You are risking everything and the fallout is going to hurt many innocent people. I know it's a matter of when we get caught. I keep telling myself and him that. I try to be the practical one. We can only dodge bullets for so long before we catch one. We are too closely involved to get away with this for long. In the beginning, I tried to manage our expectations. I have never said that I will leave my husband for him and I have never told him that I love him. Even though we don't say the words, it's clear that we're falling hard for each other. We've discussed putting our relationship on the back burner until our kids get older. I think that's a naive idea and we should just go to private contact.
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Wow this is really a bad position. Could be possibly be being wreckless in this because he wants to get caught to make it easier to end his other relationship and be with you? I've been trying not to analyze his motivations too much. I can barely understand my own and thinking about his makes me a little nutty.
CarrieT Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 The title of your thread is the "impending train wreck," so you know it is not going to end well. The question will be: How best to bring it to a head while causing the least amount of pain to all involved? OP, do you want to live the rest of your life with your husband? If not, you need to 'fess up immediately and start the divorce process. If you do want to live with your husband and make your marriage work, you need to stop seeing the Affair Partner. 2
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 You should divorce your husband since you have finally found a "soul-mate" other then your poor husband. Your husband deserves someone better. But before you file for divorce, be honest with your husband and let him know that you had been/are cheating on him. Also, be generous to your husband in the matters of split-up of assets and parenting responsibilities during divorce-settlement. I will eventually divorce my husband and you are right he deserves better than this. Because we have small children, I am financially dependent on him. I'm looking for a job to get myself out of this marriage.
Confuddled1983 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I will eventually divorce my husband and you are right he deserves better than this. Because we have small children, I am financially dependent on him. I'm looking for a job to get myself out of this marriage. Small children are extremely intuitive and when the proverbial hits the fan they will know about it! Personally what I would do put the A on the back burner for 6 months+ (if you're soul mates and want to be together forever 6months is a short time apart in order to get things straight). File for divorce, I wouldn't tell H about AP if you're filing for divorce anyway purely for the sake of the children in this situation, it will be hard enough as it is without throwing that bomb into the mix. When you and H are separated (and AP splits with his partner) then you can gradually start up again with AP and break it, in time, gently to your H and your APs partner. It will still hurt, it will still cause problems I imagine but everyone will have then have already had time to deal with their break-ups so it will/should be easier to deal with. As for the financial thing, how long will that take? however long it takes put the A to one side - like I say if you're really soul mates then some time apart now won't matter so much if you intend on being together forever. 2
RickFox Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 so many similarities I see to mine..... a disaster waiting to blow.... 1
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Here's another thing to consider: For someone who's supposed to be your "soul mate", it's a real d**k move to be the reckless one when it's you who has a family to lose. He can just break up with his gf. Your situation is much, much more complicated. Has he considered that? I do have a lot to lose, but so does he. I didn't want to add this at first but his GF got pregnant the first month they were living together. She "accidentally" forgot to take the pill. He says that if she wasn't pregnant he would have moved out a while ago. He's trying to make it work because he split with his son's mother and it's been a nightmare for him. He's a good dad and wants to live with this baby full time. It's a Jerry Springer show...I know.
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 I know the best thing to do is to stop talking to him privately and waiting until we disentangle ourselves so that we can be together. If we were meant to be together, time will not lessen our feelings for each other. We cannot start a relationship on this kind of foundation. I tell him that if he could do this to her, he could do this to me. His answer is that he could say the same thing to me and we've both been loyal until now. Knowing the right thing to do and actually doing it are two different things. 1
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 so many similarities I see to mine..... a disaster waiting to blow.... I only read your original post and yup seems to be a lot of similarities. In fact, I just got home from a "store run". We didn't meet in person, but spent over an hour on the phone. Sometimes we do meet in person, but we live in the city and the traffic was bad today.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I will eventually divorce my husband and you are right he deserves better than this. Because we have small children, I am financially dependent on him. I'm looking for a job to get myself out of this marriage. So, let's say he finds out about the affair tomorrow, or next week and files for divorce immediately. What then? You continue to depend on him financially? Basically he is going to freak out because you're not working, you were supposed be with the kids, look after the house etc (yes it is still a job, an unpaid one but still hard work) and he's been footing the bill for your affair. Sorry I am being harsh but you need to hear it. You are blessed not to be working and have the time to be with your kids while they are young - The thing is, you're blowing it. Big time. Divorce happens, you'll get shared custody, child support and that's it. No way will he pay you spousal support, if the courts side with him... Glad to hear though that you're starting to look for work. 2
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 So, let's say he finds out about the affair tomorrow, or next week and files for divorce immediately. What then? You continue to depend on him financially? Basically he is going to freak out because you're not working, you were supposed be with the kids, look after the house etc (yes it is still a job, an unpaid one but still hard work) and he's been footing the bill for your affair. Sorry I am being harsh but you need to hear it. You are blessed not to be working and have the time to be with your kids while they are young - The thing is, you're blowing it. Big time. Divorce happens, you'll get shared custody, child support and that's it. No way will he pay you spousal support, if the courts side with him... Glad to hear though that you're starting to look for work. Believe me, I know what a luxury it is to be a stay-at-home mom. I'm thankful for the experience every day. I have a master's degree and had a successful career before I decided to stay home six years ago. Despite the never ending workload and no pay, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My H had an affair three years ago. I highly doubt he would divorce me on the spot for doing the same. In fact, he told me I get one "free pass". He has a number of stipulations on that free pass because I don't think he really means it. That being said, if it comes to light he would be devistated but not immediatly headed to his lawyers office. I don't know though. No one knows where the sh++ is going to fly when it hits the fan.
luvsadrummer Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I am so sorry you are hurting and I understand completely, believe me, I do. You seem to have a significant amount of clarity, so I know you will do the best thing you can at this point, which is to go NC, not just no private conversation, but virtually NO CONVERSATIONS, no contact whatsoever. That is truly the only way to heal and fix this. It hurts... man does it hurt, and you may never heal the hole if you don't end up together down the road. Take heart and good courage because the good news is, healing and moving on doesn't require that you look too far down the road, but just take it a day at a time. NC. My EA ended before things became too horrific. There was a dday, which now I can finally thank my lucky stars for, otherwise, my EA would likely become a PA and the fallout would have been devastating... I am one of the lucky ones I guess. But I can tell you, NC works. It is painful, but after 4 months, the fog finally has lifted and I can see how lucky I am to be free of it. I agree with many of the other posts here... I just wanted to send my hugs and understand and recommend to go NC immediately. Don't bother explaining all the reasons to him why. Just send him a text that simply says, no further communications will be accepted. Your understanding is greatly appreciated. Do not respond to this message. That's it. That is the best way to end it. No discussion. He already knows all the reasons. It will hurt, and like others say... if you are truly soul mates, things will come together, when time is on your side. Right now, it's not your time. All the best to you. 2
Artie Lang Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 do you feel your affair may stem from unresolved issues with your husband's own affair..... a revenge affair of some kind? at any rate, this has the potential to blow up in your face, given the "closeness" of the people involved. i can only assume your husband gave you a "free pass" with the understanding that you wouldn't be carrying on an affair with a mutual acquaintance who runs in the same social circle, correct?
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 do you feel your affair may stem from unresolved issues with your husband's own affair..... a revenge affair of some kind? at any rate, this has the potential to blow up in your face, given the "closeness" of the people involved. i can only assume your husband gave you a "free pass" with the understanding that you wouldn't be carrying on an affair with a mutual acquaintance who runs in the same social circle, correct? The free pass certainly does not include my AP. My H made a passing comment this summer that I was not allowed to use it with him. I want to preface the following by saying that I am not excusing my behavior. There is nothing that my bff or H did to deserve this. I'm just trying to understand my motivation not make excuses. Also, I know I'm a horrible hypocrite cretin. I think it's a combination of a revenge/exit affair against both my bff and my H. My H has put me through a lot of turmoil. It's not really about his sexual dalliances, but different issues in our relationship. He has been emotionally abusive to me and had a severe drinking problem. I just can't get over it. My bff has no empathy for me or anyone else. (See hypocrite!) I should have ended my relationship with her years ago. I consider her my "sister wife". My H doesn't like her, but she was always involved in my life the way a spouse is. She has done many things throughout the years that have left wounds. I can think of several examples but will list just two. My child has a developmental disability. She constantly makes disparaging comments about her. I called her crying because I got news from the school that my child was not doing well in a classroom setting. She told me that "she should be institutionalized" and that "mark my words, she's going to end up living in a home". I was devastated by her comments. Instead of helping me cope, she made it worse. When I confronted her, she said she didn't know that her statements would hurt me. WTH? She lost that same child at the mall. We were at the playarea and she told me that she would watch my child while I took my other little ones to get shoes. When I got back a half hour later, my kid was missing. She said she let her go look for me. She was four years old!! They shut down the mall for three hours before we found her. I don't have words to describe my frantic panic during those hours. When we finally found her, my bff said that I should really be careful next time. She also said that she wouldn't be surprised if DCFS was at my house the next day. I LEFT HER IN CHARGE!! No apology whatsoever.
LaylaSings Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 So you have a lot of resentment towards the both of them then. Could very well me feuling the affair fire. I'm in a very similar situation myself, I know it's wrong. I haven't had any 'private contact' with my AP since before Christmas. I miss him so much but I know this is the right thing for right now. I still see him all the time but with our partners there.
Sub Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Not to pile on, but you seem to gravitate towards some very flawed individuals. Unfortunately, the OM sounds like one as well. You should separate yourself from all of them, focus on yourself and your kids. All of that negativity can't be healthy.
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 So you have a lot of resentment towards the both of them then. Could very well me feuling the affair fire. I'm in a very similar situation myself, I know it's wrong. I haven't had any 'private contact' with my AP since before Christmas. I miss him so much but I know this is the right thing for right now. I still see him all the time but with our partners there. Layla, I just read your thread. We are in the same messed up boat and our thinking seems to be similar. Ugh.
Author SugarHibiscus Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Not to pile on, but you seem to gravitate towards some very flawed individuals. Unfortunately, the OM sounds like one as well. You should separate yourself from all of them, focus on yourself and your kids. All of that negativity can't be healthy. I couldn't agree with you more. I must gravitate (and stay with) flawed individuals because I'm flawed too. MY AP is certainly broken and toxic too.
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