Trying to deal with heartbreak

[Kate22192]

Hi all.

 

I'm new to this site, but my recent breakup has me so devastated that any and all help will be deeply appreciated.

 

To give a little background, I recently graduated (a semester early) from a four-year university. I met my ex-boyfriend within the first week of school this past semester (the end of August), and before long we were hanging out all the time. It wasn't until November that we finally labeled ourselves officially dating, but we both recognized that we were basically a couple since September. Thus, we'd been dating about 3 - 3.5 months. For a while, everything was really great. Sure, we had our arguments, our issues, and he was very concerned that upon me leaving school and moving back home, we would be in a long distance relationship. Granted, my house is only about 50 minutes from the school we both attended (he still has one semester), but that's a lot different from being 5 minutes away from each other.

 

Still, I had really high hopes. This was only my second genuine, long-term relationship, and my first one (about a year dating) was very toxic and unhealthy. This one was good. He was a wonderful boyfriend, so good to me, and I don't know, I guess I thought we might have a real future together; it was possible. Two days ago, on Sunday, he broke up with me. We had been arguing the night before and the day of over text, and I kept demanding that we talk on the phone about it. He's always been someone who doesn't really like talking on the phone, and that was the main cause of our latest argument. Basically, that I thought we agreed to handle arguments in our now distance relationship by stopping texting (as that never gets anywhere..) and picking up the phone to discuss things, and he didn't want to. His refusal to do that after a little spat about something else became a big issue.

 

So anyway, we were finally talking on the phone and he said he "can't do this anymore." I asked him what he meant. Did he want to break up with me? And he said yes. What followed was a long period of us both crying on the phone. He explained that he felt he was growing distant from me for a while, that his feelings changed, he didn't think we were a match and he didn't want to waste any more of my time if he felt it was going nowhere. I was completely shocked, blindsided; I thought we were great. Yeah, a few arguments here and there, but I was happy. Genuinely happy. And I thought he was too. In fact, I was about ready to start telling him I love him. Evidently, the feeling was not mutual, and I was the only one completely oblivious to it.

 

I'm heartbroken. With my last relationship, I ended it, and I think this is the first time I've really been left, the first time I've loved someone and not been loved back. For the past few days, I've really done nothing but cry. I sob and sob and sob and it's almost uncontrollable, and what hurts the worst is knowing he's not feeling this too. What's difficult is that right now I'm living at home and my college friends aren't really around here, so it's very hard to get out, see people, and keep myself busy. I recently obtained a job and training for that begins next week (training is right near his house, of course...) but I'm terrified because it's a job at which I'll not likely have coworkers. I'm so scared that my life is going to turn into, A) wake up, be lonely, think of him B) go to work, feel lonely and without people to occupy my time all day, think of him C) come home, be lonely, think of him. Meanwhile he'll be living happily with his friends at school all semester, then even when he moves home, has lots of friends around there. He'll be happy, he'll move on. Moving out to somewhere closer to friends is not an option as I'm about 50k in debt and this new job is only paying 26k a year before taxes (majored in psych).

 

Please, friends, any advice would be so deeply appreciated. Why is this breakup hitting me so powerfully? It's so much worse than the breakup of the boy I was with for a year. Why won't he love me when I love him? How can I start accepting that fact? And given my living and work situation, is it possible to avoid falling into a trap in which I can't get over him? I'm so scared and nervous, and I just need any help I can get.

 

Thank you.

[H245]

I feel your pain as well. I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and even though she did some scummy things to me I still hurt deeply and wonder how she could fall out of love so quickly.

 

I've been trying to cope by coming here and venting (feel free to read my crazy drama). I have been trying to give advice as well where I can on the forums. When I am home alone, I have tried working out or catch up on some of my favorite TV shows or play video games. I'll reach out to friends via text to chat since apparently no one likes a phone call anymore :/

 

It will take time to accept that it's over, but when you do, you will be stronger than you are now. Make sure to come back and tell us how you are feeling as you go through the healing process. The community here is extremely supportive and it's helped me slowly climb out of my own depression.

[Kate22192]

Thank you so much for your support. I've been trying really hard. Today I decided to go out and pick up a few self-help books on breakups, which hopefully will not only keep me busy but might guide me through the process as well.

[H245]

That's great that you are trying to keep your self busy. Remember to keep posting here whenever you're feeling like it's a bad day. And if you haven't already, make sure you go NC as well.

[Kate22192]

So far, it's been NC, yes. But I'm also torn as to how exactly to approach that...he still has my number and we're friends on facebook and whatnot (though he cannot see when I'm online on facebook chat, nor can I, so that I'm not constantly reminded of him). I really don't want him to just be gone from my life for good though, you know? And neither does he. I'm wondering if it's possible to stay NC for a while, and then, once emotions are calmed down and I'm not so upset about it, rekindle some type of friendship or at least amicable presence in each other's lives. I think I would probably leave it up to him to initiate that contact since he's the one whose feelings changed and no longer wanted to be with me, but I'm not sure about the whole situation.

[H245]

I would delete and possibly block him on FB so you do not see what is going on in his news feed. Imagine he posts a picture with another woman. It would hurt for you to see that even if it is innocent. This was why I ended up blocking my ex. I was seeing her FB too much and then there was a post from a guy that set me back in healing.

 

I would absolutely wait for him to reach out to you. If he realizes in time he wants you back, he will reach out and make the effort. Do not message or call him. Stand your ground and focus on you. I know it's really hard to do that now because everything is so fresh.

 

I feel the same way about my ex where I would want her to reach out to me after the dust has settled, but she already moved on so I need to do so as well. Sending you whatever positive energy I have.

[Kate22192]

Thank you again for the positive energy. I don't want to unfriend him on facebook because while I understand the risk of seeing pictures and whatnot of him with other people, I also don't want to cut off our chances for friendly reconciliation. I think it is going to more so be a matter of my willpower to stop checking his page and "stalking" him. If I do in fact reach the point where I can still see his page and things posted upset me, I will follow your advice then. But for now, I think I'll keep it. I just can't bring myself to go that far.

[katiep]

Hi Kate,

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I read your post and it reminded me of myself. I ended a 5 year relationship and felt almost nothing, but when I was dumped after a year relationship I was devastated. It was also the first time that I was rejected and I had a hard time accepting it and understanding. I ALSO graduated college a semester early during my break-up (Wow we have a lot in common) so I was going through so many big changes at once and it was overwhelming.

 

NC is really important. I also kept my ex as a friend on Facebook, mainly because I felt like deleting him was so final and I really wanted to get back together. I will tell you that this delayed my healing. I eventually hid his updates which helped, but I would have bad days when I couldn't control myself and I would end up looking at his page. That really set me back, so I eventually deleted him. I felt terrible when I did it, but I knew deep down that if he wanted to come back, unfriending him would not stop him from reaching out (and it didn't). I healed more in the weeks immediately after I decided to delete him than I had healed in months, maybe because it forced me to accept the situation. But, do everything at your own pace. You will make decisions when you are ready. And I would suggest to always THINK before you act on anything. There are times I wanted to send messages or whatever and I'm so, so happy that I didn't. So try not to act on emotion!

 

I didn't have many friends to rely on, so I became really close with my mom. Actually, she became my best friend and saw me at my worst points. But she was my greatest support system and all I really needed. I also found that it was important to find other things that made me happy- Exercising is GREAT and I learned how to play guitar.

 

I felt like time was dragging on, so it's important to keep yourself busy. I started to volunteer at the animal shelter and it really gave me a sense of purpose. This may sound silly, but I found a TV series that I started to keep up with and that helped me get my mind off of things when I felt like I couldn't think about anything else.

 

Really the only thing that will heal you is time... I know that isn't very comforting, but I promise you will look back in a few months and see how far you've come. You will stop crying, too.

[Kate22192]

Hey Katie,

 

Wow, our stories really are super similar. Thank you for sharing yours, it really helps me feel like I'm not alone in this. I've already had a lot of instances where I was breaking down missing him and feeling overwhelmed with the uncertainty and changes going on in my life right now and wanted to message him so bad, but I haven't. For now I'm okay with keeping him a friend on facebook, but if I can't reign in checking his page, I might eventually have to unfriend him for a bit.

 

Although I have a good support system, I'm living at home now since I just graduated and where I live there are very few people around to hang out with. I've been relying a lot on my mom for support as well, and it's helpful. I'm scared now, though, that I could fall into a bad pattern. I start a 1-9, five days a week job next week, and I'm really worried that I could end up in a cycle of A) wake up, be lonely for a few hours, think, B) go to work, be lonely, think, C) come home, lonely, think. I fear that living at home, far from many friends for at least the next 2-2.5 years (I have pretty significant student loans) could make me end up depressed and failing to move on, while he'll be happy living with friends at school, being totally fine.

 

And thank you for the suggestions on other ways to keep busy too. I want to look into different possible things to do to occupy time when I won't be at work.

 

I'll keep updated on any changes...here's hoping things look better sooner rather than later.

[Kate22192]

Hi all, just some updates...

 

I've still been going NC, this is about 10 days since he left me. I still have the habit of checking his facebook page but I have not given in and messaged. I did opt to send the gift I'd gotten him for Christmas to his house near the school I just graduated from since he's back for the semester, with a simple note. It said something like, "X, Whatever you choose to do with this is up to you. Keep it, wear it, throw it out; your choice. But I got it for you, and I feel you should have it. - Kate" I must say NC is incredibly hard especially with these huge transitions and uncertainties going on in my life right now. I just wish I could have him here with me for support. What I find even harder is just ACCEPTING the idea that someone I cared so much for and wanted to be with so bad is totally fine. He'd obviously been feeling distant for a while according to him, and now he's back living with all his friends. I feel pathetic feeling so devastated for the loss of only a 3 month relationship when he's doing just fine ):.....