J_L_C Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi everyone, I've been dating a man for just over a few months now. He's amazing in every way and we connect on so many levels. There have been some red flags however. Here is some of the background: We both went through really terrible breakups before we met each other. I have some trust issues and he has some difficulties opening up emotionally. Most of my issues have to do with the fact that our communication styles clash at times. He says he wants open and honest communication because that was absent in his previous relationship and that was what ultimately led to its downfall. I am a VERY open person...sometimes too much so. When I do communicate my feelings, a difference of opinion or a concern, he reacts in a very defensive way. He shoots from the hip, judges and makes grand sweeping assumptions without ever really trying to understand where I am coming from and that hurts. I feel like I have to be careful of every single little thing that comes out of my mouth for fear of the repercussions. He often doesn't seem very interested in my life or getting to know me. When I say something, he often starts talking about himself, doesn't acknowledge me or doesn't remember things I've said. It doesn't make me feel too important. Another component of our issues have to do with the fact that he says he's usually right about everything which is why he won't hear someone else's opinion out. I get the sense he feels like he is above others. He doesn't like to be told anything about himself and is unwilling to hear another persons point of view. He has strong opinions and is quite harsh in the way they come across. He's the type who's made up his mind before ever hearing someone out. Sometimes I feel like be has control and dominance issues too. He can be condescending and will often "put me in my place". He misreads me a lot and won't give me the chance to really explain what I meant. His mind is closed. He just seems very rigid and not too patient. I'm scared to talk to him about things. Second, he has issues with the feelings I've developed and communicated to him over just a few months of dating. I am not in love him as it is still very new, but I do care for him and he means a lot to me. He seems to become annoyed when I tell him how I feel. He says "we've only know each other for a few months, why do you feel this way?". He says he cares about me but he's not going to say much about his feelings until he is absolutely sure. I should mention too that he was married years ago and was really hurt by his ex-wife. I understand that he wants to be cautious and slow about approaching a new relationship but I feel like his lack of ability to communicate care and concern is taking away from our development of intimacy. He has told me he's afraid of getting hurt. Here's where the breakup concerns come into play. He told me that I often over analyze things and appear insecure over us. Well, do you blame me when he won't open up? Anyway, my comments frustrate him and he says we shouldn't being having these types of "blips" so early on and it's causing him doubts. I personally feel he is carrying around a lot of baggage from his marriage and just can't open himself up. He says he isn't sure about where we're headed but that I do make him feel "alive" and that he wouldn't be exploring this with me if he doesn't see some potential there. He says he is looking for that perfect connection where there are no issues but that is simply unrealistic. All couples have differences of opinion and will never see eye to eye on everything. Here is my question: does it sound like he is going to bail on me? If he's so unsure of me, should I give it more time or end things now? I just don't feel like he is ready to have someone special in his life and I don't know how long I can wait for him to open up...if ever. I really feel like there is so much more to explore and know about each other but he seems to be the type that will bail at the first sign of trouble. I'm the opposite. I want to give things a fair shot to see where they may possibly go. If they don't go anywhere, at least I tried and won't wonder "if only".
sw2020 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You say he's amazing in every way, then proceed to pick faults in him. I don't get that. I'd say you'd be best off taking things slow and seeing where they go. If he takes a little step back, that is not a sign to take a step forward, but also not a sign to end things immediately. Maybe a little patience will allow the answers to unfold.
Author J_L_C Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I guess I'm of the mind that if he has doubts and isn't sure, then should I really be waiting around for him to make up his mind about me?
rosedl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 "Another component of our issues have to do with the fact that he says he's usually right about everything which is why he won't hear someone else's opinion out. I get the sense he feels like he is above others. He doesn't like to be told anything about himself and is unwilling to hear another persons point of view. He has strong opinions and is quite harsh in the way they come across. He's the type who's made up his mind before ever hearing someone out. Sometimes I feel like be has control and dominance issues too. He can be condescending and will often "put me in my place". He misreads me a lot and won't give me the chance to really explain what I meant. His mind is closed. He just seems very rigid and not too patient. I'm scared to talk to him about things." He doesn't sound so wonderful to me. What you describe is the behavior of a controlling insecure man..... And, after a few months, it is not out of line to discuss your feelings and state of the relationship. Hell, the average engagement time is a year and a half into a relationship. It is another form of controlling behavior. Run from men with these traits as if you are running for your life....because you are. It looks like you are involved with a guy with abusive tendencies and commitment issues. It is revealing itself early. Don't just back off, LEAVE 6
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Your man sounds just like my ex. Impossible to communicate with. He was rigid, lived in a black/white world, super defensive and always thought he was right and would never understand my point of view. If our discussion would start getting heated he would throw his hands up in the air and say that the relationship was "ridiculous," and walk out. Anger issues a plenty. He was quite controlling and insecure and we would always butt heads b/c of this. I'm a pretty strong woman but in this relationship I ended up being weak, desperate, insecure and anxious. I ignored all of the red flags and tried my best to make it work for 1.5 years. He broke my heart time and time again until the final blow 5 months ago. I am so much happier now. I've realized that my ex is not capable of having a healthy successful relationship with anyone until he recognizes and is wiling to work on the deep-rooted issues he has within himself. He thought relationships were supposed to be easy. I stayed in the relationship bc I wanted to try everything I could to make it work and hoped he would change. As time went by, he showed no improvement and we never grew as a couple. It's hard for people to change. If they do, it takes a lot of soul searching and hard work. My lesson is to heed red flags and to love myself enough to walk away knowing that I deserve better. Can you really see yourself with this man as your partner in life? I think you know the answer. Edited January 14, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove 2
Author J_L_C Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Thank you all for your responses. They seem spot on to what I am going through. I didn't list all if the wonderful things about him because of the issues I'm having right now, but there are many good things or I wouldn't even consider staying. That's why this is so hard. I want to be able to communicate with him. He says he wants that so I get confused when I share my emotions or thoughts and he just shoots me down. It scares me too that he is so closed off emotionally. I've never been married but I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose the love of your life. But it's not fair for him to close himself off to me and to be so cautious with his feelings considering the fact that we are together. Will he ever be able to open up so we can work through things?
lil hoodlum Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I feel like I have to be careful of every single little thing that comes out of my mouth for fear of the repercussions. He often doesn't seem very interested in my life or getting to know me. When I say something, he often starts talking about himself, doesn't acknowledge me or doesn't remember things I've said. It doesn't make me feel too important. He can be condescending and will often "put me in my place". He misreads me a lot and won't give me the chance to really explain what I meant. His mind is closed. He just seems very rigid and not too patient. I'm scared to talk to him about things. First of all, so sorry that you are having all of these thoughts. It sounds difficult to sort out. I see so many red flags in your post. I think that the fact that he doesn't remember things you have said and makes you feel that he isn't that interested in getting to know you or about your life are HUGE red flags. I am afraid he is just not that interested in you. It also cocerns me that you are scared to talk to him about things. Like you are walking on egg shells. Do you really want to be like this with somebody? The being condensending part and "putting you in your place" should be deal breakers for me. You deserve someone with an open mind who is willing to listen to you and show you that you are indeed someone who is worthy. This guy sounds insecure and controlling. You deserve someone who is much better than this guy. Let him go.
rosedl Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 There are some things that have to be deal breakers. Verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Non commitment. Deal breakers. The type of thing you are speaking about only gets worse as time passes. It doesn't improve. Do you really want to spend your life with a controlling, intolerant, rigid person who feels the need to put you in your place or demean you? I know how difficult it is....I am here because I had to set boundaries around my commitment phobic boyfriend and called him out on his behavior and he broke up with me. Hurts like hell. He was a wonderful boyfriend in very many ways except for his habit of changing his mind, becoming stone cold, and breaking my heart every few months. Dream boyfriend, I mean. Supportive, loving, generous, funny, playful, sexy. And, then. A complete 180. I am having to recover from a second break up twice in a year after I let him back in and he vowed change. Deal breakers. I don't think that you don't know what to do. I think you are struggling with not wanting to do what you need to do. Totally understandable. Break ups suck. But, really. Better now, then later. You know what to do. It will be a LOT LOT LOT less painful in the end. 3
BC1980 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Thank you all for your responses. They seem spot on to what I am going through. I didn't list all if the wonderful things about him because of the issues I'm having right now, but there are many good things or I wouldn't even consider staying. That's why this is so hard. I want to be able to communicate with him. He says he wants that so I get confused when I share my emotions or thoughts and he just shoots me down. It scares me too that he is so closed off emotionally. I've never been married but I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose the love of your life. But it's not fair for him to close himself off to me and to be so cautious with his feelings considering the fact that we are together. Will he ever be able to open up so we can work through things? It might be a mismatch of personalities. My ex would wax on about how we needed to be open with one another, but he never was. He has a perception of how a relationship should be, but he was not that great at living it. I experienced some of what you are talking about with my ex, and I think it just comes down to different personalities. It's like you bring out the insecurities in each other. My ex was very closed off emotionally, and I'm the opposite. So anytime I expressed any emotion, it seemed extreme to him. He never wanted to discuss anything, so I never knew where I stood with him. Over time, it made me anxious to some extent, which brought out more emotion. Of course, he hated when I was supposedly emotional or over reacted, but he was actually the root cause of it. It felt like a constant tension underneath the surface to me. I think it's just two different people.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 The "issues" that you have listed are the basic components of what makes a GOOD, HEALTHY relationship. If those things are missing, I'm not getting what good parts of him or it are keeping you around? What makes him amazing if you're afraid to even discuss your personal opinions with him?? I like to think of great, lasting relationships consisting of 3 essential components: 1. Sexual compatibility 2. Good communication/Intellectual compatibility 3. Mutual physical attraction If one of these components is missing, then the relationship will eventually go downhill. For you, you're in the beginning stages, and have legitimate concerns. This early in, I would not continue to invest emotional baggage in a situation that is clearly not good for either of you. You can't change him, and waiting on him to change can be a fruitless effort. You deserve to be with someone that you can connect with on ALL levels, and when it happens, you will wonder why you wasted so much time with the WRONG ones.
LadyM Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I know we're all telling you what you don't want to hear, but you are fortunate to only be a few months into this abusive (yes) relationship. Most of us here have stayed far longer than you in relationships in which we were treated poorly. YOU are also being treated poorly. Don't forget that. Don't make excuses for him. I know he has some awesome qualities. But if you continue in this relationship, his particular negative traits will absolutely crush your spirit. You will eventually leave this relationship a broken woman. Would you EVER advise a daughter of yours to date this man?? I think not. Don't waste another day on a man who will no doubt shatter your heart into a million tiny pieces and leave you wondering what YOU did wrong. 3
Author J_L_C Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 Thank you all for your responses. I definitely hear what you're saying. I guess I struggle because there are many needs of mine that he DOES meet. I need someone affectionate and he is quite physically affectionate. He shows it but doesn't SAY it much which is something I need. He thinks actions speak louder than words and believes that ppl can say something and not mean it. He believes that showing it is most important. We have many mutual interests, have a similar background (relationship/friendship wise) that we can really relate to and we have a lot of good conversation. We enjoy our quality time and have similar perspectives on life. I must also note that we are extremely sexually compatible and I've never met someone I connect with in this way. I am struggling to balance those good things with the bad. I do feel insecure because I wonder how he really views our relationship and sometimes I really don't know how he feels because he doesn't communicate it in words. Despite bringing this up to him, he says a) he doesn't want to say anything he is not 100% sure about; b) doesn't want to jump too fast because he was so hurt with the sudden end of his marriage and c) he believes that you show it more than you need to say it. I really don't know if I am ready to walk away yet. I wonder if time will help him to open up more and bring us closer. He's afraid of getting hurt and has a whole host of his own issues with regards to trust and emotions. He's quickly becoming my best friend and we spend so much time together. But at the same time, he seemed more sure of me in the beginning and would say more about his feelings than he does now. I don't know if he's just grown more comfortable with me and feels he's already "caught" me and is letting himself be more "him" or what. I just don't think I am ready to lose him and I feel sick over the whole idea of it. I really want this to work but I have a niggling feeling that HE is going to be the one to let me go :'-(
hestheone66 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 He has told you that he doesnt trust what ppl say...therefore when he 'says' he wants open communication, his actions really demonstrate what he wants. Your neediness is fuellung his narcissistic supply and the more you have discussions about him the longer he will keep you around at your disadvantage..set your sights higher..physically affectionate men are not that hard to find. If you are spending so much time together you will miss the company but everything you have written sounds 100% toxic. Trust me i hav been there..retain more space between you and have healthy boundaries..dont get enmeshed by a control freak or you will regret it
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Right now, you are continuing to invest your heart into someone who is not emotionally available. It doesn't even sound like your bf recognizes how closed off he is...so what makes you think he will change? I was just like you in the beginning of my last relationship. I saw these red flags but hoped I could help him change. I thought, maybe I could be that special woman who could help him open up. I felt stuck. I wanted to try everything in my power to commit and work on making the relationship work. Unfortunately, my ex did not. At some point, I saw clearly that nothing was changing but I had grown so attached and invested so much in him that I could not walk away though I was unhappy and broken. You will have to be a stable, confident woman with a strong sense of self and an unlimited amount of patience and love in order to stay afloat in a relationship with a closed off, controlling, and insecure man. It'll take an even bigger effort by your bf to drop his guard if he is even willing to change. Can you handle the difficult road ahead? Part of my healing process right now is to build up my self worth again. If I had held myself in the highest regard back then I would have never stayed so long in a relationship that was tearing me down. I would not have been afraid to walk away knowing that I would find someone better someday. I would not have clung to someone who did not treat me the way I needed. Are you strong enough to put in the effort for this man? How much more of yourself are you willing to invest in someone who isn't giving quite the same back?
Eau Claire Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 You are not writing...I met this wonderful man and he makes me feel so good. Instead You are writing a list of negatives that you know are deal breakers for any close, meaningful relationship. You do not feel good and secure about yourself. You know he is not good for you. You just need your intuition validated. It's a positive you have the maturity to recognize the situation.
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