Emilia Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Marry me:love: Haha you don't want to go there kaylan
RedRobin Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 So, OP... I get it you want to leave the appearance of sharing and being equitable... but don't want to follow through? What's up with that? How is it 'traditional' exactly when a man pays? 'Traditional' has so many other layers than just who pays. I know it is sort of a knee jerk thing to assume if a guy pays, then he is more traditional, but I don't see that at all. Just because he pays for your date doesn't mean he will care for you that way... or be there for you when you really need him in a million other ways. Given your obvious dissonance on this topic, I'd strongly urge you to get clear on what you really want and are looking for... and express THAT... 3
RedRobin Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 And yet, you know that there are those who would view your gesture to pay as a lack of interest. I've seen post asking what does it mean if he/she insists on paying his/her share? Is she really into me? Or does she just want to be friends? Or does this mean that the date didn't go as well? This, especially if the woman is making the gesture. Yes, that is too bad. I guess those same guys are also gonna take it the wrong way when I send a quick note or call them to say I had a really great time. It either goes... "SCORE. GOT ME AN EASY LAY"... and I have to manage that cr*p. or its... "Wow, that's great! I was concerned you didn't. Lets try XX next weekend!" Of course, I prefer the ones who it doesn't phase or they are secure enough to see that I'm being fair and don't see him as a walking wallet. 1
kaylan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Haha you don't want to go there kaylan Im game 1
kaylan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 What? I don't need help with the car door or walking down stairs in heels, but I've certainly had a cooked breakfast in bed (after a 2nd date!), had a woman buy the first round, give me a gift on the 2nd meeting, and got birthday presents. Some women certainly DO do those things for men, and much as I don't NEED Them, I definitely liked them! This. These are the women who set themselves apart and end up snatching up good men. Let the entitled chicks miss out.
Keenly Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You tried a trap rest twice. The money part is really not the issue I have with the situation. Instead of being an adult and communicating your desires, you instead did this incredibly immature " test " and you did it twice. Why the hell did you offer to psy twice if you are going to resent him for accepting. Ridiculous. Its the exact same as asking a man a question and then getting mad when the answer is not what you want it to be. If you don't want to know the answer, and you want us to be honest, DONT ASK. If you don't want to pay, DONT OFFER TO PAY and then then act like he did something wrong g when he accepts. 3
kaylan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 ... and years later, being forced into the dating world again after a divorce... ....imagine my dismay at learning that some view my attempts at fairness as 'easy' or as disinterest in them romantically. What a shame. (shaking head) I don't know any guys my age who view a woman paying as a show of disinterest. For the most part, me and my guy friends are impressed when a woman offers to pay. Theres so many more important things that show a person is interested or not. Money isn't one of them in my book.
Keenly Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You tried a trap rest twice. The money part is really not the issue I have with the situation. Instead of being an adult and communicating your desires, you instead did this incredibly immature " test " and you did it twice. Why the hell did you offer to psy twice if you are going to resent him for accepting. Ridiculous. Its the exact same as asking a man a question and then getting mad when the answer is not what you want it to be. If you don't want to know the answer, and you want us to be honest, DONT ASK. If you don't want to pay, DONT OFFER TO PAY and then then act like he did something wrong g when he accepts. Trap TEST. every time I use my phone in this forum it changes words on me.
somedude81 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Man asks woman on date. Women offers to pay her half Man accepts Women is shocked man said yes -------------------- Give me a break! Don't offer to pay for your half if it the guy accepting will make you think less of him. Not everybody is into the game of turning down the woman's offer and being a "real man" by paying for everything. 1
somedude81 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Of course this is the reason you shouldn't do expensive things for a first date Ding ding ding! Going to a 1st date with a potential of spending $50 is just ridiculous unless you have a ton of cash. I can have an awesome 1st date with a girl and only spend $10.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 How come you're admonishing the OP because she expected this guy to pay Because she offered to pay, then when he accepted, she's ready to kick him to the curb. Passive-aggressive, laying traps and w/e else. Ugh.
MissBee Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I'm sure alot of men would like women to do those things or similar for them to. But women don't do stuff like that for men. Huh?! I'm assuming you're a man? If so, date better women! In any case, I am an extremely generous gf and I do that and more for my guy. The men I date don't wear heels though so don't need help in terms of that lol! But point is: whatever it is that they like and need to feel appreciated I do. Breakfast in bed: I do it. Massages: I do it. You like a certain meal: I cook it and I'll take it to you too. Once we're in a relationship there is no limit to my giving, doing, etc. Therefore, paying in the beginning is the least and is not as you present it, as some kind of taking advantage "meal ticket" scenario.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Another thread about guys paying for a date. Let's keep beating the dead horse, because the horse is not dead enough. Welcome back the_entertainer1. You seem to continue hitting bumps with your guy that you met at NYE party. (Read related thread here). You have some old-fashioned values that conflict with the progression of modernity. You are highly conflicted, with a strong hint of expectation still ingrained in you. Even your original post, you say you earn your own money and have no problem with paying for things, but when a man accepts your offer to go dutch, you are surprised. By this outcome, you are automatically assuming he just wants to be friends. How much more work does this NYE party guy have to put in to win you over? At this point, you have to ask yourself, are you being fair? Are you allowing your expectations and views on tradition interfering with your happiness? I think you need to take some time and perform an inventory on what you want and what you want out of a man. Once you learn this, be upfront about it with the men you choose. 1
isisisweeping Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think men paying for dates is a myth, because I have yet to encounter a man that didn't take the money for my share. I go into everything not only fully expecting to pay, but also expecting to cover someone else in case they need help. it's not so much about dating, but just being smart/prepared for anything. it would make me really happy to meet a guy who would treat me to something, and I mean like a coffee or ice cream. I can't even imagine scoring a meal, let alone a $25 one! my gosh that seems really unfair to make someone pay that for you anyway. I've only met one guy who did accept an offer to pay. Male friends even pay for me despite my attempts to pay more often than not. In this case, I might be taken aback and concerned about his interest, but this guy seems to be doing a lot of other things, which would make me far less bothered by/worried about it.
kaylan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Ding ding ding! Going to a 1st date with a potential of spending $50 is just ridiculous unless you have a ton of cash. I can have an awesome 1st date with a girl and only spend $10. I agree with this to a point. If I have been talking to a girl enough to really get the feeling that she could be someone I would want to commit to, I see no issue spending 50 bux on a first date. But if I barely knew much about the girl and we are still gauging our interest in one another, then I dont want to spend that cash. Because odds are I will be getting to know other women as well and will need cash to spread around on inexpensive initial meetups. It just depends on the situation really.
newmoon Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Wow...I would wager that you're in the minority. How old are you? In any case, from my teenage years right up until now I have gone on plenty of dates and have only gone dutch twice. Otherwise, 98% of the time every man I've been out with offers to pay, well it's not even an offer, as it happens seamlessly. But you go in expecting to pay and I guess you seem to always offer, so I think that may be why you've experienced higher levels of this. If you want a man to treat you to something, date men who will! How come you're admonishing the OP because she expected this guy to pay, yet you also wish that somebody would treat you? You don't seem too happy about the fact that you've never been treated and you shouldn't be happy about it either IMO. of course i'm in the minority, and i have never figured out the 'art' of getting a guy to pay. (unless he was a full-fledged bf and not just a date). so, yeah, it would be (for me), a huge treat to have someone pay, and my idea of a treat is a coffee, ice cream, or something under $10, certainly not a $20-$25 meal, plus tip, likely parking, etc. that is way too much for her to expect, and the problem is that it is an expectation for most women, which is why guys likely have issues with paying/not paying, because women take advantage of them. i have just always had the moral principle that if two people are working they can pay for themselves. and yeah, it sucks i haven't been treated - perhaps just poor choices in men. but anyhow, just a few weeks ago an OLD didn't even pick up the cost of my 50 cent donut. true story.
ChessPieceFace Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 of course i'm in the minority, and i have never figured out the 'art' of getting a guy to pay. (unless he was a full-fledged bf and not just a date). so, yeah, it would be (for me), a huge treat to have someone pay, and my idea of a treat is a coffee, ice cream, or something under $10, certainly not a $20-$25 meal, plus tip, likely parking, etc. that is way too much for her to expect, and the problem is that it is an expectation for most women, which is why guys likely have issues with paying/not paying, because women take advantage of them. i have just always had the moral principle that if two people are working they can pay for themselves. and yeah, it sucks i haven't been treated - perhaps just poor choices in men. but anyhow, just a few weeks ago an OLD didn't even pick up the cost of my 50 cent donut. true story. The bolded parts are in ethical and logical conflict, and are the reason men are complaining in the thread. Why is this so hard to understand ... 1
Lennon Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I disagree with that CPF. She already did her part by allowing him to take her on a date. He should have refused to take the money and paid for everything himself. being old fashioned myself i would have paid for the first date but its nice when a girl offers to pay to also, and later on when the relationship blossoms, bills are shared or i let the girl pay for me. but i don't think its a good mindset to think she did "her part by allowing him to take her on a date" going out with somebody shouldn't be seen as your doing a person a huge favour by letting them take you out. the girl i'm seeing now sought me out, gave me her number and she asked me out and i didn't see it as i was doing her a favour for going out with her.
somedude81 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I agree with this to a point. If I have been talking to a girl enough to really get the feeling that she could be someone I would want to commit to, I see no issue spending 50 bux on a first date. But if I barely knew much about the girl and we are still gauging our interest in one another, then I dont want to spend that cash. Because odds are I will be getting to know other women as well and will need cash to spread around on inexpensive initial meetups. It just depends on the situation really. Why would you even want to spend $50 on a first date??
FitChick Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Someone that young probably doesn't have a large income. If you continue to date, go to cheap places and see if he picks up the tab. If he doesn't spring for a hotdog or burger somewhere once in a while, he is just cheap.
kaylan Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Why would you even want to spend $50 on a first date?? Well certain things do cost money. 50 bucks isnt a big deal for me if its a girl I see good potential with. For example, lets say I meet a girl, we start chatting a lot...like daily. By the time we get to go on our first date theres a great amount of chemistry and rapport. Lets say shes passionate about one of my passions (soccer or music for example). We could easily spend a tiny part of the afternoon kicking around a soccer ball and talking, and then in the evening going to a local show to see a particular band or artist. If you factor in afternoon snacks, a quick bite to eat in the evening, and drinks at the venue, things will easily be over 50 bucks, and I wouldn't mind at all. (nvm transportation costs). Point is, I will spend money on people I have good rapport with. Some women understand this and others don't. I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't know me well to spend money on me. However, I would expect kind gestures from a woman Ive built a good rapport with and who I am being kind to as well. Someone that young probably doesn't have a large income. If you continue to date, go to cheap places and see if he picks up the tab. If he doesn't spring for a hotdog or burger somewhere once in a while, he is just cheap. OP is cheap herself. Not wanting to pay after offering to do so? Cheap, cheap, cheap.
newmoon Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 The bolded parts are in ethical and logical conflict, and are the reason men are complaining in the thread. Why is this so hard to understand ... not really. each person should pay for themselves imo, but there is nothing wrong with a man treating a woman now and again (as the woman should as well). but is a $25 dinner a treat? no, that's a major expense. i haven't even received a $5 whatever, so is that maddening? yeah. and it's frustrating because it speaks more to the thoughtfulness (or not) of someone than any expectation that they pay.
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I always pay. Because that's my view of romance and being a gentleman. You're traditional, and there's nothing wrong with that babe. 1
lino Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Not really. It is still easy for a man to pretend he wants a relationship and only go for sex. Perhaps she benefits by getting a few dinners but can still end up being duped. Hardly call that an 'upper hand'. That's a misguided view. A man can also end up being duped and will still have paid for all the dinners/dates
lino Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Argh, this is so easy, people. Find people to date who feel the same as you. There are SO MANY dudes who enjoy paying for dates, who don't do it begrudgingly, but because they WANT TO. Then there are the dudes who don't feel they owe you anything. Lid for every pot. Find yours! For the record, people test each other in all sorts of ways in the beginning. This happens to be one of them. You could even say that some men test women by seeing how far they can get her to go on the first/second/third date. If it's too easy for them they lose interest or think you're a ho. I'm not saying EVERYONE does this but come on - it goes both ways. There isn't a lid for each pot because the women who want a man to pay for everything greatly outnumber the ones who don't. I'd likely still be a virgin if I had issues with paying for first dates.
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