which of these options would you do?

[gothicrose]

Hi, my story is long and over on the second chances forum, I've posted in here this time as I'm not sure a second chance is what I want anymore.

 

The short version of my story is I met a guy, he works at my childrens' school (not teaching them), we weren't together long but had a stupidly intense few weeks, talking about marriage and moving in within 3 weeks but then it went wrong and he ended it.

 

We continued to see each other and he was very up and down about his feelings towards me, then he said he needed space back in September and I basically harassed the heck out of him, until he reported me to the police for pestering him, they took no action as he had slept with me the previous week, but he had to tell the school what had happened.

They called me in, I told the truth about what had gone and then on the 15th December I went to his place to talk to him.

He was kissing me and said he cared, said he would see me that Friday but when I phoned him Friday evening to see if he was still coming over, he said no he wasn't.

 

After a bit of a talk, he said that he had recieved a letter from school saying they were investigating his conduct; the investigation would start in January and it was something to do with something I told them when they called me in, apparently he broke some code of conduct or something. He then said "I swear on my fathers grave...the most sacred thing to me...that if you leave me alone until after the investigation finishes, I will come and see you it as much of an open mind as I can manage. I don't want to, but I will do it, and bring your (some possessions he has of mine) with me."

 

Now, I know its not positive, lol.

 

But I believed he would stick to it.

 

This was 3.5 weeks ago, the week before school broke up for Christmas. The went back last Monday and I saw him yesterday in school briefly - just in passing. He seemed relaxed and not stressed at all, he glanced at me but looked fairly blank. I ignored him.

 

A teacher friend of mine reckons that he's not being investigated, as I never made a formal complaint, and he would have been suspended if an investigation was taking place.

 

So - please bear in mind, I don't want to hear "go NC/leave him alone", as at the moment the only options I am going to consider are;

 

Text him this week saying that I don't thin an investigation is happening, and asking him to meet me.

 

OR

 

Leave it another 2 weeks, then if he doesn't get in touch (will have been 6 weeks NC by then), text or phone saying I'm guessing the investigation is over by now, and see if I can get him into a conversation about meeting and returning my stuff.

 

If I text him now, it gives him a chance to say 'you didn't keep your promise' but if leave it another couple of weeks, he might still not contact me anyway. There could be an investigation of course, but the more I think about it, the less I believe it.

 

So - no 'go nc' type replies, please, no having a go at me...I simply need answers of which of the above options I have given, would you choose?

 

Humour me

[TaraMaiden]

I'd leave it a month.

If by then, you have heard nothing from him, ask a friend to go pick up your stuff for you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hi, my story is long and over on the second chances forum, I've posted in here this time as I'm not sure a second chance is what I want anymore.

 

The short version of my story is I met a guy, he works at my childrens' school (not teaching them), we weren't together long but had a stupidly intense few weeks, talking about marriage and moving in within 3 weeks but then it went wrong and he ended it.

 

We continued to see each other and he was very up and down about his feelings towards me, then he said he needed space back in September and I basically harassed the heck out of him, until he reported me to the police for pestering him, they took no action as he had slept with me the previous week, but he had to tell the school what had happened.

They called me in, I told the truth about what had gone and then on the 15th December I went to his place to talk to him.

He was kissing me and said he cared, said he would see me that Friday but when I phoned him Friday evening to see if he was still coming over, he said no he wasn't.

 

After a bit of a talk, he said that he had recieved a letter from school saying they were investigating his conduct; the investigation would start in January and it was something to do with something I told them when they called me in, apparently he broke some code of conduct or something. He then said "I swear on my fathers grave...the most sacred thing to me...that if you leave me alone until after the investigation finishes, I will come and see you it as much of an open mind as I can manage. I don't want to, but I will do it, and bring your (some possessions he has of mine) with me."

 

Now, I know its not positive, lol.

 

But I believed he would stick to it.

 

This was 3.5 weeks ago, the week before school broke up for Christmas. The went back last Monday and I saw him yesterday in school briefly - just in passing. He seemed relaxed and not stressed at all, he glanced at me but looked fairly blank. I ignored him.

 

A teacher friend of mine reckons that he's not being investigated, as I never made a formal complaint, and he would have been suspended if an investigation was taking place.

 

So - please bear in mind, I don't want to hear "go NC/leave him alone", as at the moment the only options I am going to consider are;

 

Text him this week saying that I don't thin an investigation is happening, and asking him to meet me.

 

OR

 

Leave it another 2 weeks, then if he doesn't get in touch (will have been 6 weeks NC by then), text or phone saying I'm guessing the investigation is over by now, and see if I can get him into a conversation about meeting and returning my stuff.

 

If I text him now, it gives him a chance to say 'you didn't keep your promise' but if leave it another couple of weeks, he might still not contact me anyway. There could be an investigation of course, but the more I think about it, the less I believe it.

 

So - no 'go nc' type replies, please, no having a go at me...I simply need answers of which of the above options I have given, would you choose?

 

Humour me

 

No one is going to humor such an assassin thing. This is insane.

 

You guys hooked up, had a fling, got the police called on you for harassing, you guys play some childs game. What are you 12?

 

Both of you need to stay away. Get someone to grab your stuff and let it be.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hmm option A= crazy option B= crazy. As the above poster said, what exactly do you want people to tell you. This is a very bad situation and your judgement is way off. When someone calls the police on you, you need to take a hint and back off.

 

I'm sorry I know you wanted a better response than this but come onnn this is so wrong and you should never talk to that man again.

[herself]

You have a child to care for and that should be your only concern going to that school.

The guy just thought it was casual sex, he didnt know you would stalk and try to make it a full blown relationship and turn psycho.

Forget whatever he has of yours, you need to focus on why you did tjis, its obsessive, and now you might cost this man his job where he cant pay his bills all because you could not be mature and respectful.

Please stop talking to his colleagues about him and get help.

Stop what your doing, he slept with you and now you went nuts and are taking it to a scary level. Leave him alone and get help for yourself and act like a mom and adult.

When the police were called you should have stopped there and taken a look at how you let it get that far. You are going to have a pfa against you and real hareasment charges.

Lose his number. Look at yourself you created a mess.

[Zahara]

So - no 'go nc' type replies, please, no having a go at me...I simply need answers of which of the above options I have given, would you choose?

 

Humour me

 

First of all, this isn't humorous. Secondly, it's futile to provide you with any advice because pages and pages and thread after thread has given you but zero insight into yourself -- all that advice ignored and you've gotten to the point of getting the man to call the police on you, talking to you through a window -- I would be ashamed to even show my face let alone keep reaching out and bugging the shytt out of him.

 

And as usual, you iterate you want a specific response to your issue -- a or b? With that said, do whatever you want. No one is going to give you the answers you want because what we give you is what we've been always been giving you -- stay away from this man.

 

Stuff? Really. Oldest excuse in the book to try and break contact with someone that's ignoring you. You expect us to believe you want your stuff back?

 

Just go and break contact. Go and annoy the crap out of him. Let him call the police on you. Damn if a man is making an excuse that he's being investigated just to get you off his back isn't a sign for you to stay away. But no, obsessively maddening she sits around wondering which option, A or B would be the best way to annoy the hell out of this man again.

[organizedchaos]

You lost me at "talking of marriage after 3 weeks". Then I was totally lost after reading the rest of this mess. Seek professional help, now.

[Xemyd]

Just go and break contact. Go and annoy the crap out of him. Let him call the police on you. Damn if a man is making an excuse that he's being investigated just to get you off his back isn't a sign for you to stay away. But no, obsessively maddening she sits around wondering which option, A or B would be the best way to annoy the hell out of this man again.

 

I completely agree, I don't think there is even anymore advice to give to her that hasn't already been said.

 

Do want you think is right, OP. Maybe eventually you'll figure it out on your own that you need to drop this. Hopefully that time comes before any legal papers are thrown at you or you're sitting in a jail cell, because this whole story sounds like it could end up on the News.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Hi, my story is long and over on the second chances forum, I've posted in here this time as I'm not sure a second chance is what I want anymore.

 

The short version of my story is I met a guy, he works at my childrens' school (not teaching them), we weren't together long but had a stupidly intense few weeks, talking about marriage and moving in within 3 weeks but then it went wrong and he ended it.

 

We continued to see each other and he was very up and down about his feelings towards me, then he said he needed space back in September and I basically harassed the heck out of him, until he reported me to the police for pestering him, they took no action as he had slept with me the previous week, but he had to tell the school what had happened.

They called me in, I told the truth about what had gone and then on the 15th December I went to his place to talk to him.

He was kissing me and said he cared, said he would see me that Friday but when I phoned him Friday evening to see if he was still coming over, he said no he wasn't.

 

After a bit of a talk, he said that he had recieved a letter from school saying they were investigating his conduct; the investigation would start in January and it was something to do with something I told them when they called me in, apparently he broke some code of conduct or something. He then said "I swear on my fathers grave...the most sacred thing to me...that if you leave me alone until after the investigation finishes, I will come and see you it as much of an open mind as I can manage. I don't want to, but I will do it, and bring your (some possessions he has of mine) with me."

 

Now, I know its not positive, lol.

 

But I believed he would stick to it.

 

This was 3.5 weeks ago, the week before school broke up for Christmas. The went back last Monday and I saw him yesterday in school briefly - just in passing. He seemed relaxed and not stressed at all, he glanced at me but looked fairly blank. I ignored him.

 

A teacher friend of mine reckons that he's not being investigated, as I never made a formal complaint, and he would have been suspended if an investigation was taking place.

 

So - please bear in mind, I don't want to hear "go NC/leave him alone", as at the moment the only options I am going to consider are;

 

Text him this week saying that I don't thin an investigation is happening, and asking him to meet me.

 

OR

 

Leave it another 2 weeks, then if he doesn't get in touch (will have been 6 weeks NC by then), text or phone saying I'm guessing the investigation is over by now, and see if I can get him into a conversation about meeting and returning my stuff.

 

If I text him now, it gives him a chance to say 'you didn't keep your promise' but if leave it another couple of weeks, he might still not contact me anyway. There could be an investigation of course, but the more I think about it, the less I believe it.

 

So - no 'go nc' type replies, please, no having a go at me...I simply need answers of which of the above options I have given, would you choose?

 

Humour me

 

I have no idea why you, a 30 year old woman with young kids, is so fixated on a 60 year old commitment-phobic man who not only enjoys messing with your head and using you for the sex, but also said he wanted to rape you.

 

At the rate your obsession with this creep is going (or not going), you'll end up either in court or on Jerry Springer.

[Zahara]

I AM saying I will leave it to him to contact me, while continuing to wish him well in my own ,mind and hope that if he doesn't get in touch, he gets all he wants in life, as well as bettering myself by taking on new activities, meeting new friends, continuing learning to drive and setting up this referral to the mental health services, just in case I DO have other issues that need to be dealt with.

 

As I keep saying, if he doesn't contact me then that's fine (I am of the thinking now that he wont get in touch anyway) and if he does and I choose to meet him, its a last chance saloon for both of us. If we get on with no tension then maybe a casual friendship could develop over time but if not, we both move on happily.

 

The above is what you said in your previous thread. After Simon reeled you about NEVER keeping to anything you propose or plan to do, you adamantly said this time it would be different and that you would do the above.

 

Now that:

 

1) you have information that he may have lied about the investigation (which you should be cringing about because the man had to make up such a lie to keep you away)

 

2) he was aloof when you spotted him in school

 

You now have:

 

1) been emotionally provoked

2) turned obsessive again

3) you can't stand not knowing where you stand with him

5) you can't stand him keeping distance from you

6) you can't stand him not validating you

 

SO, you have come up with option A or B to break contact. Go and do what you've always been doing. It's futile.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

I can see how that looks, Zahara.

 

But actually, your list is wrong.

 

The fact he was aloof didn't bother me. I panicked and thought "oh no" when I saw him approaching the gate - genuinely. I'm sure he thought the same.

I didn't make eye contact, glanced his way once but the rest of the time didn't know where tolook, just kept my eyes fixed on the ground.

 

What DID bother me however, was how I felt. I know that sounds as selfish as everything else I've posted on here and I know its my own stupid fault, but I felt really cornered, weirdly.

Like all eyes were on me. Which they weren't, obviously.

 

Then after he had opened the gate and we all followed him into the playground, I hung back in case anyone thought I was chasing him or something... them I felt on show in the playground while he was talking to the teacher nearby, again I felt had to keep my eyes on the ground and its a very uncomfortable feeling.

 

I just can't see how this school thing will work, and I suppose that's partly why I want to talk to him, to try and work out if we can both stay involved with the school without one or both of us feeling uncomfortable.

 

The 'stuff'; you're right, I can live without it.

 

More than anything, its not coldness or anything that is bothering me, its the fact that he is going to live his life thinking I'm proud of my behaviour or not seeing just how awful it was.

 

And trust me, I read a thread I posted on another forum about the start of our so called relationship, and THAT was just as bad; stupid things he said that should have made me wise up, etc. I now realise just what a freak I was being and I suppose I just want to apologise then draw a line and move on...without it affecting our professional dealings at school.

[Zahara]

I'm just tired of your need to apologize. It's been said a million times. Apologize, apologize, apologize so that we can be friends, move on, blah blah. It's just another excuse to reach out and hope it provokes some type of communication.

 

Just leave it all alone and just move one. Enough already. And yes, my list is wrong, so are all the other posters on you every thread that have identified your behavior. You always have an answer and a comeback.

 

It's all getting so old.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Zahara

[Fufu]

Have you really thought about why continue asking for opinions when you are still not getting it?

 

Just do whatever you want. At the end of the day, it's your decision.

[Simon Phoenix]

The best apology would be to leave him the f*ck alone. You need therapy in the worst way, or to be thrown in jail. Maybe the latter will wake you the hell up from this delusional sick alternate reality you find yourself in. This went past pathetic long ago. I'm absolutely not surprised you are going back on your word and if he does reciprocate (he probably will because for as much as he is repulsed by your personality, he is a user and he feels that your craziness makes you dynamite in the sack) you'll harass and stalk him again. Because you have absolutely no self-control.

 

Waiting for 500 words of herpderp from you to argue against what I'm saying while unwittingly confirming it.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

The best apology would be to leave him the f*ck alone. You need therapy in the worst way, or to be thrown in jail. Maybe the latter will wake you the hell up from this delusional sick alternate reality you find yourself in. This went past pathetic long ago. I'm absolutely not surprised you are going back on your word and if he does reciprocate (he probably will because for as much as he is repulsed by your personality, he is a user and he feels that your craziness makes you dynamite in the sack) you'll harass and stalk him again. Because you have absolutely no self-control.

 

Waiting for 500 words of herpderp from you to argue against what I'm saying while unwittingly confirming it.

 

http://blog.formstack.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Drop-the-mic.gif

[Zahara]

if he does reciprocate (he probably will because for as much as he is repulsed by your personality, he is a user and he feels that your craziness makes you dynamite in the sack) you'll harass and stalk him again.

 

This. I think they both feed off from the crazy.

[rosedl]

Tough crowd.

 

You do need help, sweetie.

 

This was not a serious relationship. It has become an obsession. And, obsessions are not about the object of the obsession (him) but rather your own personal issues.

 

Contacting him will only lead to more drama and perhaps, more police involvement. If this continues to escalate with that type of action, you may be looking at Department of Social Service involvement and getting your kids taken away.

 

Obviously, you are in pain and need some type of help to move past this and whatever issues you may have that are driving you to act out in this way. I am not judging you. You need support not judgement.

 

But, if you continue this behavior, you are going to hurt yourself and your kids. You are young enough to turn this around and just be something you may look back on with regret.

 

Let it go. Really. No major harm done yet. Leave the possessions, if need be. And, look into getting some support and help to understand how this happened.

 

Good luck

[Zahara]

It isn't a tough crowd. We've been with her since the beginning of her threads on LS and nothing that you have said, hasn't already been said since day one without her debunking every piece of advice given since August of last year.

 

She's invited a man into her home that once said he was so frustrated with her that he wanted to rape her -- and as many times as we told her to stop engaging him, she still invited him into her home, stalked him at his house and as many times as we told her to focus on her children and keep him away from them, she ranted and railed and got utterly defensive and went on the attack that her children had no bearing on the situation.

 

Coddling is over.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Zahara

[OhThatGirl]

 

You've got to be f***ing kidding me.

 

I just read through some a couple of your older threads. There is nothing that can be said to you that will make a difference sooo..

 

Instead I beg of everyone else..

 

Do not respond to this post. This woman had stalked this man for what.. Like 9 months now? He has called the police on you? You have CHILDREN?

 

Don't respond. She will respond back, typing out her twisted way of rationalizing why she should be contacting this man when every person in the world knows it should never happen. Ever.

 

Instead, the only response on this thread should be "seek professional help, give your kids a childhood they deserve (which does not include an emotionally unstable mother), LS is not capable of providing what you need."

 

That's the only thing that needs to be said. Otherwise it gives her an opportunity to relive the situation, justify her actions, rationalize her behavior, and cause more damage to both her and the incredible f***ed up man she was briefly involved with.

 

This is some other kind of fatal attraction bulls***. OMG.

[gothicrose]

OK so no one will reply now.

 

But what am I meant to do?

 

I got this poor man involved with a toxic, emotionally draining leech like me, didn't really think about my children...I thought I was, but Zahara's right - I was inviting a relative stranger into my home while they were asleep upstairs. When I found out about the accusations that had been made against him in the past, when he rolled around my floor crying, when he said he got so angry he felt like raping me...I still put my children at risk. I didn't really know how he would react at those times, I didn't know him well enough.

 

I've had him call me a c***...which to me is the most disrespectful word a man can use against a woman. He has done and said some awful things.

 

So taking my crazy out of the equation; why do I want to be friends with him?

 

I don't.

 

Its the fact he works in my children's school.

 

My own fault, I know that. But I don't know if he's being investigated like he said he was, so feel guilty about that...but will never know.

I feel cornered when I see him around school (like the other day opening the gate)...but feel almost as bad when I see the Head teacher, certain colleagues of his that know whats gone on...there are now about 4 people at that school that must feel on edge when the see me as they're aware what's happened, and I have to try and hold my head up when all I'm thinking is how badly ive messed up, I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did.

I worry that the head teacher for example, is thinking that I'm walking round like nothing happened, when really its eating me up inside - not just him, but everyone else I've affected with my actions.

 

I've lost the right to be treated like an other parent and my poor children have no idea what I've done.

 

Why havent I changed schools?

Been thinking about it...but my eldest is autistic and is looking forward to going on a school trip in March. It seems so far away but I can't let him down.

 

As an aside...I have an assessment appointment with the local mental health team a the end of the month.

 

You don't think I realise I've screwed up? This isn't something that will blow over, I've wrecked my children's education for the sake of a fling and you're right, my children reserve better.

[Haydn]

Right, change schools. You can. Put you and you kids first now. You make that choice. You know its the best thing to do now.

[gothicrose]

But what do I tell my son?

 

Its his first proper school trip with a sleepover and he never stops talking about it

 

I was hoping to hold out until then but its like, 5 or 6 weeks away yet and the head teacher is at the gate every morning so no avoiding her.

 

Why didn't I listen months ago?

[Fufu]

You created the outcome by your actions.

 

but still it's never late to make the right decision and action.

 

Stop giving yourself excuses.

[Zahara]

Wait. Why do you have to uproot and drag your children out of school because a few people are giving you the stink eye? I am not following why the drastic measures to turn the lives of your kids upside down because you can't handle the repercussions of your actions. You're not a teacher there but a parent. Unless the head teacher, school board, etc. is asking that you leave and remove your children, I am not following why you need to change schools? Please explain why.

 

And I call BS on not wanting to be friends and that your only reasoning to communicate with him was because you two are in the same vicinity. Even on this thread you were telling people to tell you not to respond with NC because you were insistent on contacting him about stupid "stuff", when to contact, if contact what will he think that I couldn't keep my promise, blah, blah. FFS. For once just be honest with yourself. You wanted contact because you still harbored hope because if you didn't you wouldn't have gone to his house recently only to have the police called on you. And only a week or so ago, you would not have created a thread contemplating what to do when he contacts and going round the bend about it over and over. You could have just come to the realization by yourself that if he calls, you would just tell him that you should cut communication and move on. You didn't. Not until you're now being given the stink eye and the cat is out of the bag, that you're singing a different tune.

Edited January 15, 2014 by Zahara

[gothicrose]

No.

 

Because I make THEM - the head teacher, this guy, his colleagues that know about things, the deputy head... feel uncomfortable/way/whatever.

 

Maybe me wanting to be 'friends' was just a way of not facing up to the reality of how badly I messed up, I don't know.

 

I don't want to take the children out of school, but from what this guy said its a very gossipy sort of place that holds grudges.

So this won't ever blow over. The head teacher is at the gate every morning, I feel I can't even say good morning to her like the other parents do as it would look like I'm not realising how badly I messed up and am just trying to gloss over it all. She avoids me wherever possible.

 

As a friend of mine asked the other day; what are the school going to do...keep moving him around into different year groups to avoid me and my children? That's not fair on him or the school.

But the can't keep him in the year he is in now, as eventually my child will be in that year and he will be thinking I'm gonna start causing trouble or something.

 

I know, sounds over dramatic but knowing the school and him, that's how he will be.

 

And it does matter, because tense staff causes tension that everyone picks up on.