On a break...hurt

[lostsoul6486]

Hey, all. I've been with this girl for a few months now and our relationship has mostly been great. It's had its ups and downs, but overall I've been happy and I feel like she has been too...until tonight. She went out with some friends tonight and I did not go. She called me when she got home and that's where things went south. She told me that she feels guilty all the time when she does things without me and she doesn't know why. I of course told her that there was no reason for her to feel guilty about going out with her friends as long as she wasn't lying to me or cheating on me but she insisted that it makes her feel guilty.

 

 

After that, she went on a tangent about how she's never really been alone since she was 15. She's been dating guys at pretty much all times since then and she says that her biggest fear is being alone, but she feels like she wants to know what it feels like. Naturally, I thought that was it. I was getting a break up speech from her.

 

 

I asked her what she wanted and she said she didn't know. I asked if she just wanted to end things and she said no. When I asked why, she said that she loves me and she could see herself with me for the rest of her life but she's not ready for that. She also said that she doesn't want to lose me, but she doesn't want to feel guilty all the time.

 

 

After asking her why she felt guilty about a hundred times, she finally told me it was because a guy asked her on a date about a month ago but she said no because she has a boyfriend. I told her it's no big deal. It's not like she said yes to him. Then she told me that she knows she didn't, but, for just a second, she felt like saying yes even though she didn't. Ever since then, she's felt guilty for what she felt that day.

 

 

At the end of the conversation, we decided to take a two week break. I'm pretty broken up about it and she seems to be as well, but she told me not to worry because she will be back for sure because I'm the love of her life. How am I supposed to not worry though? It's been half an hour since I hung up the phone with her and I feel so much pain. She called me a minute after she hung up saying that she changed her mind about the break, but I talked her into sticking to it because I think she obviously needs it. I'm not confused about what I want and knowing that she is just hurts so bad. How do I get my mind off of her for the next two weeks? I also want to be able to brace myself for the worst (a break up) even though she says it won't happen. It hurts so much just thinking about it. Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

[Silly_Girl]

It sounds so very much like the precursor to a break-up. I think I've been in her shoes, too.

 

You know what it is already, from the time of your post. Sorry

[salparadise]

How do I get my mind off of her for the next two weeks? I also want to be able to brace myself for the worst (a break up) even though she says it won't happen. It hurts so much just thinking about it. Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

 

You probably won't be able to quit thinking about her for the next two weeks. It's painful, so just try to accept that it's going to be that way. Also accept that what will be will be... don't make up stories in your head wherein your wellbeing depends entirely on her. Things change all the time; that's one thing you can depend on. It's also possible that you two will get back together and be more committed than before.

 

I went through something similar a year ago. She wanted a break and as it turned out it was the end of the relationship. A year later I am just fine, although it was tough for several months. I felt a deep sense of loss and doubted I'd ever find anyone else I cared about that much. Now I realize that it actually created the potential to have an even better relationship, and that there were issues I was choosing not to see.

 

The big lesson I've learned after having been divorced and dated a few different people since is this... if a woman is restless, unable to be content, and projects that into the relationship, let her go. Life is just too short, our time and devotion too precious to give it to someone who can't appreciate it. If after a several months of dating she's holding you at arms length, has one foot in and one foot out, she's not likely to wake up one morning and be all in. You only want to be with someone who is all in. The ability to do that—to love without reservation, without dwelling on opportunity cost—is now among the top priorities when assessing long-term potential. If they're malcontent and looking to fix that through a relationship, then you will always be on the defensive, walking on eggshells. That's not a good way to live, and it's not something you can fix.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I have never known a break not turn into a break up. Breaks are often the dumper's way of making themselves feel better about the situation, they have feelings too and can't handle the thought of breaking someone else's heart. So they try to soften the blow with things like this, when actually it just draws it out longer and brings more pain.

 

OP, you don't want a partner who doesn't feel sufficiently lucky to have landed you that they wouldn't risk letting you go. In your position I'd end it now and move on, and by the time the 'break' is up, you'll already feel a tiny bit better, this is just prolonging the agony. If she truly, truly meant what she said about wanting to be with you you'll find out because she'll be begging you not to end things, begging you to get back with her and telling you she screwed up. No break necessary.

 

And accepting a break in this manner just devalues you in her eyes I reckon. You're saying that you know that being treated like this is the best that you can get. Having some pride and walking away might actually be the one thing that gets her attention and makes her have that desire to be with you again. It's not about playing games. It's just about having some self respect. I can tell you now if I tried to go 'on a break' with any of my boyfriends they'd have told me where to go, and I them. I don't do half in/half out relationships. If they don't know whether they want to be with you or not, they don't want to be with you.

 

Good luck.

[lostsoul6486]

I have never known a break not turn into a break up. Breaks are often the dumper's way of making themselves feel better about the situation, they have feelings too and can't handle the thought of breaking someone else's heart. So they try to soften the blow with things like this, when actually it just draws it out longer and brings more pain.

 

OP, you don't want a partner who doesn't feel sufficiently lucky to have landed you that they wouldn't risk letting you go. In your position I'd end it now and move on, and by the time the 'break' is up, you'll already feel a tiny bit better, this is just prolonging the agony. If she truly, truly meant what she said about wanting to be with you you'll find out because she'll be begging you not to end things, begging you to get back with her and telling you she screwed up. No break necessary.

 

And accepting a break in this manner just devalues you in her eyes I reckon. You're saying that you know that being treated like this is the best that you can get. Having some pride and walking away might actually be the one thing that gets her attention and makes her have that desire to be with you again. It's not about playing games. It's just about having some self respect. I can tell you now if I tried to go 'on a break' with any of my boyfriends they'd have told me where to go, and I them. I don't do half in/half out relationships. If they don't know whether they want to be with you or not, they don't want to be with you.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the input. I actually did that about a month ago. She asked for space and I said I'd give it to her, but after a day I showed up at her house and told her that I couldn't do it and that we should break up because that's what it would lead to anyway. She cried and begged me not to and we stayed together.

 

Now she's asking for space again and I feel like maybe I screwed up the first time in not giving it to her. I guess sometimes people need space to figure themselves out. One thing she told me last night was that she was afraid because she has never been in such a serious relationship before and she has never felt what she feels for me for anyone else. She says that she loves me and wants to be with me but she feels "stuck" because she is also young. In other words, she doesn't know what the hell she wants and maybe these couple of weeks will help her figure that out.

 

It hurt so bad last night, but after a little nap I've come to terms with the two possible outcomes. It still hurts and I can't stop thinking about her, but I feel more at peace with the fact that this could very well end up being the end of my relationship with her. She'll either end it or realize that she really wants to be with me no matter the "opportunity cost" like salparadise said. Either way, we'll both be happier in the end and I just have to "accept that what will be will be."

 

Thanks again for the input so far everyone. It feels good to talk about it even if it's not what I want to hear in some cases.

[d0nnivain]

Breaks are precursors to break ups. They are childish. End it or fix it but don't drag it out.

 

 

I'm confused & I need space are codes for I want out but I'm scared to be alone, I'm not a mean person & don't want to hurt you but I still want out of this relationship even though I don't know how to make that happen.

 

 

Your STBXGF has some integrity. She declined the invitation for the date but the fact that she ended up in a situation where somebody else thought it was OK to ask & the fact that she wanted to say yes, tell me your relationship is all but over. Sorry.