Onethirtyeight Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) I have a tenancy to do this thing where I think a girl is just being friendly and then I hurt her feelings because I don't realize she's actually hitting on me and my chatty behavior for a man probably looks like interest to her. I pretty much end up accidentally friend zoning chicks that I'm not interested in all the time. I kind of feel bad for them because I do realize I chat more than most men and that might be misleading. This happens more often than you might think. The situation is this: There are two girls; Anne and Casey (not their real names). I hit on Anne for a little bit and didn't go anywhere, before that got weird I met Casey. Casey is a nice girl but isn't my type, I actually told Anne that Casey is not my type at one point and I'm not sure if they communicated about that. Casey has started liking almost every single thing I post on facebook, instantly responds to my texts when I send them at weird hours of the night, has invited me to hang out with her and Anne several times, is sad when I can't make it to her things, and has asked me for self pictures of a shirt I tailored myself. At the same time she almost never texts me first, unless she's asking me to hang out, and doesn't try to invite herself into my life. I've been careful not to ask her to hang out because I don't want her to think its a date. If I was interested in her I'd probably start flirting with her. I'm not so I don't and I just chat with her like a friend. Does it sound like she might like me? Should I maybe back off a little so she gets the hint and doesn't think I'm interested? She recently broke up with a bf of two years and they had been through a lot. I really do not want to risk leading her on. Edited January 14, 2014 by Onethirtyeight
Shashasha Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 since you already realize you might be sending off wrong signals and you clearly have nothing for the both of them, you should back off...you don't want to give them hopes and end up hurting them!
Author Onethirtyeight Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 since you already realize you might be sending off wrong signals and you clearly have nothing for the both of them, you should back off...you don't want to give them hopes and end up hurting them! So you do think she likes me and I'm sending the wrong signals? I have accidentally hurt women in the past and I don't want to do that again. I've been on the other side of this too and it can be frustrating. That said I wouldn't say I have nothing for both of them. I have nothing for Casey, the Anne situation is very complicated but not really pertinent to this story other than its complicated and we're working on repairing that relationship. I don't totally back off because I like talking to Casey and she's nice. I would like to be her friend. It would be really nice if I could have more friends outside of the ones I've met through work and STEM classes.
Shashasha Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 So you do think she likes me and I'm sending the wrong signals? I have accidentally hurt women in the past and I don't want to do that again. I've been on the other side of this too and it can be frustrating. That said I wouldn't say I have nothing for both of them. I have nothing for Casey, the Anne situation is very complicated but not really pertinent to this story other than its complicated and we're working on repairing that relationship. I don't totally back off because I like talking to Casey and she's nice. I would like to be her friend. It would be really nice if I could have more friends outside of the ones I've met through work and STEM classes. She does seem like she is interested - I might be wrong! I think you should drop hints to Casey that you just see her as a friend?
Author Onethirtyeight Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 She does seem like she is interested - I might be wrong! I think you should drop hints to Casey that you just see her as a friend? thanks for the input. I do drop some hints but I also think its a little rude to keep reminding someone that they're just a friend when they might (do) have feelings. I've been in the position where I like a girl and she doesn't like me, I don't want to keep being told I'm her friend, even if I know it I don't want to think about it that way and would like to come to terms with that on my own. I think given the way I am if she does have feelings for me it would probably be best for me to just not talk to her for a while.
nooney Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 (edited) I have a tenancy to do this thing where I think a girl is just being friendly and then I hurt her feelings because I don't realize she's actually hitting on me and my chatty behavior for a man probably looks like interest to her. It should take more than just being a nice person to make someone think that you like them. From my personal experience, I've never thought that someone liked me just because they were being really nice, fun, and chatty. That could be because I'm really nice, fun, and chatty, if I do say so myself, and it doesn't mean I'm interested in the people I'm talking with. Someone always had to ask me out or become more intimate in the way they spoke with me before I would even think they were interested. Also, that intense gazing into the eyes that you don't do with normal people is a pretty certain sign that something's up. Edited January 15, 2014 by nooney
Author Onethirtyeight Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 It should take more than just being a nice person to make someone think that you like them. From my personal experience, I've never thought that someone liked me just because they were being really nice, fun, and chatty. That could be because I'm really nice, fun, and chatty, if I do say so myself, and it doesn't mean I'm interested in the people I'm talking with. Someone always had to ask me out or become more intimate in the way they spoke with me before I would even think they were interested. Also, that intense gazing into the eyes that you don't do with normal people is a pretty certain sign that something's up. I agree but should is the key word there. Most people don't go around thinking "this person is nice to me, they must like me". The thing is I know I've had girls think I like them and have tried to get me to ask them out and others have made some major advances. Something about me has to come off as more than friendly to these women. Maybe they're just attracted to me and want me to like them so anything friendly I do comes off that way. I don't know but its happened in the past and feelings have been hurt. I'm more interested if you think it sounds like she likes me and if I continue to be nice to her and grow our friendship if she's going to take that as me being interested.
nooney Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 I'm more interested if you think it sounds like she likes me and if I continue to be nice to her and grow our friendship if she's going to take that as me being interested. You can't control the way other people feel about you, which I should know because I have a stupid crush on someone that I wish I didn't. I suppose when you like someone, sometimes you're hopeful that a friendship can turn into something more. It's best to at least acknowledge that you are dating other girls or have lots of girls who are friends. Maybe some people need to know the boundaries so that they don't go off an infatuation cliff.
Author Onethirtyeight Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 You can't control the way other people feel about you, which I should know because I have a stupid crush on someone that I wish I didn't. I suppose when you like someone, sometimes you're hopeful that a friendship can turn into something more. It's best to at least acknowledge that you are dating other girls or have lots of girls who are friends. Maybe some people need to know the boundaries so that they don't go off an infatuation cliff. Exactly. I guess this is hard for anyone on here to answer. I know from my own experience that things look so different when you're interested in someone, and that goes for both sides. It doesn't seem like much to me because the feelings aren't there on my end while to someone who would be interested in her I'm sure her just responding to texts is enough. I just want perspective on if she actually seems interested based on what I said. Like I said I'd really like to be able to hang out with just her and maybe some of her friends I don't know yet and go do something like watch a movie. That might sound like a date though if she's interested so I don't do it. At the same time I don't want to tell her "hey I'm not interested in you" if it isn't even an issue. Also I'd be lying if I said I had any real prospects with women anywhere else at the moment. There are other women I've noticed and have some slight interest in but no dates for the time being.
isisisweeping Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Make it clear you're just friends. Say friends. Converse about dating others or looking. Whatever. That's the best way to know and not have mixed expectations.
Author Onethirtyeight Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Make it clear you're just friends. Say friends. Converse about dating others or looking. Whatever. That's the best way to know and not have mixed expectations. Yeah I guess either she doesn't care because she doesn't have feelings for me or she does and it works.
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