Live in Boyfriend chatting with ex on the internet

[Eternal Sunshine]

He's damaged. He took her attention over yours because she's wronged him in the past.

 

A healthier person would have absolutely no problem blowing her off but instead he lapped up her attention like a wounded puppy dog.

 

Damaged.

 

This.

 

Men that are drawn to women that treat them badly have serious issues and need for drama. This is larger problem than anything else. It means that he will always miss the dysfunctional dynamic and will likely seek it out in some form.

[amaysngrace]

This.

 

Men that are drawn to women that treat them badly have serious issues and need for drama. This is larger problem than anything else. It means that he will always miss the dysfunctional dynamic and will likely seek it out in some form.

 

I wouldn't say always because people can change but currently I'd say he's messed up in the head.

[PegNosePete]

he'd said he saw engagement as on the horizon ("in the next year," e.g.) and I put my faith in that and came out here before the date was set.

See this is something I just don't get. An engagement is a promise of marriage. So what is the point in telling someone that you are going to promise to marry them at some point in the future? You either promise to marry them (in which case you are engaged) or you don't. A promise that you'll make a promise at some later date, is kind of meaningless.

[beach]

How did he set things right?

 

Where's your healthy boundary?

 

Your guy is acting sneaky and interested in other women over you - how does he plan to change how he's participating?

[soccerrprp]

See this is something I just don't get. An engagement is a promise of marriage. So what is the point in telling someone that you are going to promise to marry them at some point in the future? You either promise to marry them (in which case you are engaged) or you don't. A promise that you'll make a promise at some later date, is kind of meaningless.

 

Man, this simply bothers me. I hope he's not stringing you along and does have a real plan to fully commit to you as you would expect.

[nescafe1982]

Lots to respond to here... so i guess I'll start in order.

 

Is this a problematic "pattern" as you say? This is only two women in three years he's chatted up with. I am not making excuses, just asking if this is a pattern?

 

The other friend was before I moved here... I lived in Boston at the time, he'd just moved to California. They'd known each other since college but hadn't been in touch since he left for grad school. He looked her up when he returned to California, and they started hanging out. Only she had a crush on him... and he knew it. So they kept hanging out, and he just didn't tell me about it.

 

It went on for probably 6 weeks before I came out for a visit. We were out on a site-seeing date when she called him. He picked up, told her "I'm out in San Fran right now... yeah, oh, no.. this weekend isn't good" etc etc. He hung up with her and I immediately jumped on him... my spidey sense was screaming at me because he didn't mention me. He confessed he had this friend with a crush, and she was always trying to pry into our relationship stuff (a bad sign and evidence she tried to have an emotional affair with him).

I then put some pieces together and discovered that she was the friend who went on an overnight trip with him to Santa Barbara (6 hours away) to pick up some furniture for his apartment. I knew about the trip... I knew there was a friend he was "meeting there." But he's lied to me about taking this woman there with him. I asked him if he'd done this. "yes," he said. "And did you stay in separate rooms?" I asked, thinking my next move would be to see the bill... "...separate beds."

 

We had a big fight... well, I yelled mostly. I went home after that visit, and considered breaking up with him. Stopped talking to him for a week. Wrote him a letter that explained exactly how bad his failure to draw boundaries had hurt our relationship, and told him he was to "decide what was right here, and do it."

 

He still talks to her every now and again (also chatting on the net), but he doesn't see her. The one exception was the night she called him at 3 am wanting him to drive her to the hospital for some stupid crisis she was having. He didn't tell me about that either... but when I found out, there was another yelling match. Well, I yelled.

 

All of that was a little over a year ago. A year before we moved in together.

 

So yeah... only one other person I've had this issue with (and the irony is, this woman is friends with his ex... the one he chatted with last night). I have a suspicion that disclosing all of this is about to get me gutted on LS, but I trust your insight soccerprp (and others on this thread), so let's hear it.

 

Three years living together and no proposal. Man o man. Was this discussed? Did you sit down with him sometime previous to this point and say I would like to be engaged by this and this time? Or, where do you see ourselves within three years?

 

3 months living together so far. 3 years together total this coming June.

 

Yes, we have discussed engagement. The first time I brought it up was last December (2012) when we first started planning my moving to California. I told him I was uncomfortable moving in with a man I wasn't engaged to. I put it in strong terms.... at least I thought the message was clear.

 

Then the time for the move drew nearer, and no proposal. I freaked out for a while, but then (after confiding with friends) decided that I would come out here, with an internal clock of one year from our move. If after 12 months of moving here, nothing happened, I'm out. I'm planning on sticking to that clock, even now.

 

We discussed marriage a few times in the context of our other long-term plans, but I did not tell him about my internal, 12 month clock. He kept saying things like "if we get married next year (2014)," though, so i thought I didn't need to take that hard line. Around the holidays, I got my hopes up. I thought I caught him looking at engagement rings. His mother had a lot of questions about my taste in jewelry. She dropped some not-so-subtle hints that she wants him to marry me.

 

But I think in hindsight his mom is just way into me. So right or wrong, I've been dealing with feeling a little disappointed and even resentful since January 1.

 

if my bf cheated on me with some girl and got her pregnant and then Messaged me to let me know he was having another baby,I'd tell him to FCk off pretty quickly.gosh. he refers to her as his friend??

 

Yes. I agree with you. I don't understand his desire to hang around with toxic women. If my cheating ex reached out to me at any point, my displeasure would be plain to see.

 

I don't know if it's related, but my boyfriend comes from a broken home with an alcoholic father. Like, drinking himself to death alcoholism. I agree with other posters here that there seems to be some weird need for drama driving this... maybe it's related. Amaysygrace really nailed it.

 

How did he set things right? Where's your healthy boundary?

 

I like this thought, but wonder if you could elaborate on what you think would be a reasonable line in the sand here?

 

As it stands, my boundary is that I communicated "You made this choice (to chat with her and ignore me) and that hurt my feelings. I feel hurt and jealous, and undervalued." I then asked "How would you feel if the roles were reversed here, I was chatting with my ex and ignored you when you wanted sexy time?"

 

At first he started saying things like "I haven't talked to her in years!" "There's nothing going on there... she just wanted to chat about her baby." and the like... then i reiterated that it wasn't my jealousy that was the issue, that it was my feelings of rejection and being a low priority to him.

 

At that point, he apologized. And admitted that, had roles been reversed, he would have felt hurt too.

 

That put the fire out for last night. But truth be told, I don't like that this ex feels comfortable contacting him after so long. She was by all accounts a really toxic influence on his life. I don't like that kind of drama finding it's way into my life because he's making ****ty decisions, you know?

 

I really prefer no drama. I deal better in situations where everyone is honest and we can all discuss whatever. Shadiness, secret-keeping, and that kind of thing drives me up the wall. Hell, my boyfriend even knows I post here on LS regularly.

Edited January 14, 2014 by nescafe1982

[CptSaveAho]

moved across the country to live with a man that future faked you... not only that but talks to his ex and about his ex

 

i'd prefer to be single then act/be like this as would most normal sane people

 

the only post that i would make would be on the breakup forums saying I had to dump my loser boyfriend because I was a total idiot and made a mistake. sad that a woman's ego would get in the way of doing that though

 

instead lets just create drama about it... my advice, break up move out move on

[nescafe1982]

See this is something I just don't get. An engagement is a promise of marriage. So what is the point in telling someone that you are going to promise to marry them at some point in the future? You either promise to marry them (in which case you are engaged) or you don't. A promise that you'll make a promise at some later date, is kind of meaningless.

 

I agree with you. At the time, we were bicoastal. To complicate things further, his family was in europe. He explained it then that he wanted everyone to be in California, settled, etc. Which happened a few months ago. He also stated he wanted us to both be done with school (I was still finishing then). I have since finished. So What's his holdup now?

 

Money's not an issue. Jobs could be... I don't have "forever" work yet. I'm an academic who is working contingency jobs, on term contracts, until I find something more stable. But more stable could mean a move. That could be it.

 

This is where I start to fear something else is holding him back. Attachments to a person, fears about divorce, commitment phobia. Those kind of things I'm not so happy to be patient about.

[nescafe1982]

the only post that i would make would be on the breakup forums saying I had to dump my loser boyfriend because I was a total idiot and made a mistake. sad that a woman's ego would get in the way of doing that though

 

Who would have guess that CptSaveAho would miss an opportunity to bash a woman looking for advice. Not me, that's for sure.

 

Good one, bro. (eyeroll)

[soccerrprp]

nescafe1982,

 

I must say that all of the sacrifices have been by you. Please be careful where and how deep you allow yourself to go before it becomes much too painful. You told him that you did not feel comfortable about moving in w/o being engaged. Ignored w/ no action. He didn't have to do a thing. After speaking to your friend(s), you moved anyway and now, from not feeling comfortable about moving in is NOW, I'm giving him a whole year!

 

Be careful. You're doing all the work and planning for the future.

[nescafe1982]

 

Be careful. You're doing all the work and planning for the future.

 

I am very concerned about this, definitely.

 

But he's doing planning as well. I don't know if it counts, but he's started retirement accounts for us both (and actually funded mine for 2013, as he makes a lot more than I do). He said he wanted to do it because he wants me to feel secure about the future.

 

He also wants to buy me a car. Something I haven't allowed him to do (yet), because I feel weird driving a car my boyfriend bought me. I don't like feeling dependent when the future is, well, not certain. I can't afford one on my own, and I didn't have one the whole time I lived in Boston. But in Cali it's a necessity. For now, I'm taking the bus... but feeling more and more ambivalent about whether I should accept his help and get some wheels.

 

Most of his "planning for the future" has been monetary stuff, though... and frankly, where he has raised concerns about marriage/divorce stuff, it's always been about money. I don't know what to make of this. On one hand he's sending me a clear sign he cares about the future. On the other, it's not the clear sign that I want (an engagement). This guy would find a way to buy me the moon if I wanted it... but I care a lot less about money than I do about commitment. So there's a tension there.

[Ruby Slippers]

You've been together for 3 years, so I think the delayed engagement is not a great sign. And now this - doesn't look good.

 

I have observed from your posts that you seem to bend to your boyfriend's will fairly easy and not want to make waves. If this is true, it's probably been this way all along. So I guess you can continue the pattern, or make a change.

 

Just because a man can provide for you financially doesn't mean he's a good pick for your life-long mate. My ex also would have done anything for me financially, materially, and even went so far as to say, "My money is your money."

 

But that didn't make up for other crucial elements that were missing.

 

You're free to consider finances as part of the equation, but I think it helps make things clearer to remove that factor entirely as you consider how this relationship is making you feel.

[soccerrprp]

Funding your retirement...cool. There's also a joint retirement fund? Hmmmm, what legal ownership do you really have on it? A new car. Would it be in YOUR name....sorry, but financial, monetary demonstrations pale in comparison unless the investments are HUGE, free from his control and yours to do as YOU legally see fit. I'm being cynical about these moves.

 

His commitment, declaration of that commitment, engagement is much more risky to him. Just be cautious.

[nescafe1982]

Funding your retirement...cool. There's also a joint retirement fund? Hmmmm, what legal ownership do you really have on it? A new car. Would it be in YOUR name....sorry, but financial, monetary demonstrations pale in comparison unless the investments are HUGE, free from his control and yours to do as YOU legally see fit. I'm being cynical about these moves.

 

His commitment, declaration of that commitment, engagement is much more risky to him. Just be cautious.

 

I should have been more clear. These monetary gestures are all (and all will be) in my name only, under my control. They are essentially gifts. He has no power over them, and he hasn't made any mention of wanting any authority over them.

 

But yes, your point is noted. And I guess maybe I do need to find a means of honoring my own expectations and goals (ala Ruby Slipper's post, which is also spot on).

Edited January 14, 2014 by nescafe1982

[FitChick]

About three months from your deadline you will need to have a serious talk, although by then you will know if you even want to be married or not. Then go for premarital counseling.

 

If you broke up, would you stay where you are or would you be able to find a better job back home?

 

Does he have any friends who might be getting married so you'd be invited to the wedding? That can inspire a man. Worked for a friend of mine. It seemed like every other month they were flying to another wedding and got wedding fever.

[nescafe1982]

About three months from your deadline you will need to have a serious talk, although by then you will know if you even want to be married or not. Then go for premarital counseling.

 

If you broke up, would you stay where you are or would you be able to find a better job back home?

 

Does he have any friends who might be getting married so you'd be invited to the wedding? That can inspire a man. Worked for a friend of mine. It seemed like every other month they were flying to another wedding and got wedding fever.

 

This is basically my plan. Our 3 year anniversary is about 3 months before the lease where we moved in runs up. So if nothing's happened by then, it seems an auspicious time to have the talk. I think this sounds like a sound, actionable plan that allows me to demonstrate good faith while also not just waiting for forever (did I mention I was with last ex-BF for 7 years? I have a bad habit of waiting too long).

 

His friends are nearly all married, most with one or more children. We both delayed marriage/families for grad school... so many of our peers are already several years into these kinds of changes.

 

I'm certain that if we broke up, I'd move back to Boston, at least temporarily. I love California but jobs aren't easy to come by here in the Higher Education industry. My family is in New England too, and all my friends. I would likely stay there and apply for jobs nationally (and perhaps internationally, as I have lived overseas before and loved it)... broadening my search until I snag a good position just about anywhere.

[Els]

Yes, definitely stick to your internal clock (whatever that may be). I'm torn as to whether or not you should give him an ultimatum when the time comes; it would be fair for him to know that he has a last chance, on the other hand you don't know how sincere his proposal will be if he only does it because he doesn't want to lose you.