Live in Boyfriend chatting with ex on the internet

January 14, 2014

Hey everyone,

I know this thread title sounds inflammatory, but hear me out. Those of you who know my posts know I'm 31, have been with current boyfriend for almost 3 years (will be 3 this coming June). We moved in together last October... a cross-country move for me. I was expecting an engagement to come around... well, really any day now. So far, though, nothing.

Anyway, that's the background. Tonight he's done something weird. He came home from work an hour late (he did text ahead of time and ask me if I wanted him to pick me something to eat up on the way, so I thought nothing of it). When he got here, he said he'd already eaten. And he opened his laptop. G-chatting someone pretty intently.

After like 30 minutes of this, I sort of decided he'd worked enough and I wanted to jump his bones. It's been a week of no sex, because I had my wisdom teeth pulled last week... so tonight I'd gotten all prettied up and was prepared to just jump the crap out of him when he came home from work.

So I sat next to him and made my move. He sort of brushed me off, said "in a while, baby... I'm doing something here."

Trying to not be too nosey, I asked him if he was working. He told me "I'm talking to my friend..." (he paused)... "Julie."

Julie's the name of his ex. The one who cheated on him 18 months before we met. Who got pregnant and had a kid with the guy she was cheating with. That Julie.

"...she just had baby #2. I haven't heard from her in a while."

Then back to typing. It's been another 30 minutes since. he didn't say outright that this was "his ex Julie," but we both know it is. He hasn't said anything else about their discussion. We're literally just sitting here in the living room.

I'm feeling so very jealous right now. I'm feeling hurt and wondering what the heck is going on. My question is this: is my jealousy reasonable? I don't talk to my exes, personally... but I know people who do. And on one level I feel like it's not cool for me to feel so hurt by this. But on the other hand... wth?

What do I do to handle it?

p.s. with a simple Facebook search, I have deduced that his ex had this new baby last June. So not like this week or anything.

January 14, 2014

I would be pissed off if I were you. Don't feel bad for feeling this way - I suggest letting your boyfriend know how you feel? Talk to him without being accusatory and let him know how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

January 14, 2014

How would he feel if you were friendly with your exes? Maybe chat one or two up and find out.

Have you met his ex?

January 14, 2014

Yeah I would be pretty ticked off. I would probably ask to see the conversation and if he gets really annoyed and doesnt wanna show you or says he deleted it you know something is up.

January 14, 2014

There he has a girl all prettied up,ready to go and he'd rather talk to the ex who destroyed his heart.gees.

Waste of time,leave him.

Edited January 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 14, 2014

I saw the title and was going to say that my ex and I exchange FB messages once in a while, it's not a biggie.

But I read your post, and that's a whole 'nother deal entirely. He wasn't just chatting with her, he was chatting with her for over 30 minutes so intently that he practically ignored you while you were doing something that I assume demonstrated pretty obviously that you wanted to jump his bones. Hell yes, I'd be pissed.

I'd talk to him about it. Not so much about the fact that he's communicating with his ex, but about the fact that he was so wrapped up in it that he ignored the fact that you'd prettied yourself up and were trying to initiate sex after having none for a week.

January 14, 2014

How would he feel if you were friendly with your exes? Maybe chat one or two up and find out.

Have you met his ex?

No, I haven't. She lives in another city thousands of miles away.

I don't have exes I would want to associate with. Only one serious one, who cheated on me after 7 years together.

Boyfriend is generally an amazing person. But his one huge character defect is he has a tendency to interact with women who I find problematic. Last year he had a secretive, shady friendship with a women here in California, that he concealed from me because she had a crush on him.

This is part of a long term pattern that I thought had ceased to be an issue. Now.. I'm wondering of these interactions are also part of what's holding him back from actually commiting. I feel lost. And sad.

January 14, 2014

Also. I don't know what I feel about sex after this.

January 14, 2014

Nescafe, if you had expected an engagement immediately after moving, IMO you should have made it clear before moving and set a date. Now you are torturing yourself with wondering about whys and what ifs.

Does he know you are expecting one soon after the move?

Don't have sex until you air your grievances. It's just going to sweep things under the rug and not help anything.

January 14, 2014

No, I haven't. She lives in another city thousands of miles away.

I don't have exes I would want to associate with. Only one serious one, who cheated on me after 7 years together.

Boyfriend is generally an amazing person. But his one huge character defect is he has a tendency to interact with women who I find problematic. Last year he had a secretive, shady friendship with a women here in California, that he concealed from me because she had a crush on him.

This is part of a long term pattern that I thought had ceased to be an issue. Now.. I'm wondering of these interactions are also part of what's holding him back from actually commiting. I feel lost. And sad.

Hmm...I think so too. Time for some serious talk! Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

January 14, 2014

Serious talk? He is saying very clearly he would rather engage and talk to her than you,what else is there to explain.

January 14, 2014

Serious talk? He is saying very clearly he would rather engage and talk to her than you,what else is there to explain.

Serious talk as in tell him how you are feeling and if he refuses to tell you what's going on, you will leave.

January 14, 2014

Nes, why don't you just go talk to him about this?

Why not be open and honest about everything you put in your OP? " we havent had sex all week and I just wanted to do it when you got home and I felt like you would rather talk to julie than be physical with me, can we talk about this ? "

Why not just say that?

And really people? We are going to throw away a 3 year relationship because of one internet conversation ? Good god.

Edited January 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 14, 2014

Nes, why don't you just go talk to him about this?
Why not be open and honest about everything you put in your OP? " we havent had sex all week and I just wanted to do it when you got home and I felt like you would rather talk to julie than be physical with me, can we talk about this ? "

This is what I did. I told him that I felt hurt, and like he prioritized chatting with his ex over me. It was awkward, and I didn't know exactly what I was asking him for... but it helped and allowed us to move on from the feelings of conflict.

He explained the situation thus: The ex chatted him up... it was the first time she's looked him up in over a year, and she led with "I had another baby!" He felt awkward talking to her but didn't feel right blowing her off.

He said he was sorry he blew off my advances. And that he felt like it was a timing thing.

Now, Elswyth brought a really good point:

Nescafe, if you had expected an engagement immediately after moving, IMO you should have made it clear before moving and set a date. Now you are torturing yourself with wondering about whys and what ifs. Does he know you are expecting one soon after the move?

You are absolutely right. He and I discussed my expectations before the move. But in the end, I moved in before the proposal actually happened. It wasn't really something I was totally comfortable with... he'd said he saw engagement as on the horizon ("in the next year," e.g.) and I put my faith in that and came out here before the date was set.

We did discuss it. And I guess I'd gotten my hopes up with this past holiday season (and read into a couple of what I thought were "hints" in the process), and am dealing with a little latent disappointment there, too.

Honestly, I'm not certain tonight would have bothered me as bad if there weren't this other thing going on simultaneously. This other thing I've not talked to him about... because I don't want to just keep pushing the issue.

But I am torturing myself. That is the correct assessment.

At least this small fire has been put out. Thanks LS for being such a quick sounding board.

January 14, 2014

This is what I did. I told him that I felt hurt, and like he prioritized chatting with his ex over me. It was awkward, and I didn't know exactly what I was asking him for... but it helped and allowed us to move on from the feelings of conflict.

He explained the situation thus: The ex chatted him up... it was the first time she's looked him up in over a year, and she led with "I had another baby!" He felt awkward talking to her but didn't feel right blowing her off.

He said he was sorry he blew off my advances. And that he felt like it was a timing thing.

Now, Elswyth brought a really good point:

You are absolutely right. He and I discussed my expectations before the move. But in the end, I moved in before the proposal actually happened. It wasn't really something I was totally comfortable with... he'd said he saw engagement as on the horizon ("in the next year," e.g.) and I put my faith in that and came out here before the date was set.

We did discuss it. And I guess I'd gotten my hopes up with this past holiday season (and read into a couple of what I thought were "hints" in the process), and am dealing with a little latent disappointment there, too.

Honestly, I'm not certain tonight would have bothered me as bad if there weren't this other thing going on simultaneously. This other thing I've not talked to him about... because I don't want to just keep pushing the issue.

But I am torturing myself. That is the correct assessment.

At least this small fire has been put out. Thanks LS for being such a quick sounding board.

Glad you had the talk! I hope you guys figure things out soon and give it some time...be patient x

January 14, 2014

One one hand, he was upfront with you, told you the truth and didn't hide anything. On the other hand, you got dressed up for him and was ready to jump him but he wanted to talk to his ex instead. Yes, I would be pissed and jealous if it happened to me, I would get straight into my daggy PJ's and once he had finished chatting to his ex and was ready for me to jump him, I would have said "Sorry, you missed your opportunity, I'm tired now" -Sounds like a bitchy thing to do but I can promise you that I would not be in the mood to jump him after that!

I would be angry and jealous, and I would let him know about it but after he apologized and made up for it somehow, then I would let it go. I don't think his intention was to cheat or anything like that, I occasionally message my ex's, even when I am with someone, and there is no other intentions behind it other than wanting to see how they are doing. Even when ex's have treated me badly and I don't want to see them again, I still like to hear from them and message them occasionally to make sure that they are still alive and doing ok.

I think you have a right to be angry in a "no sex for you until I have forgiven you" kinda way but it's certainly not worth breaking up with him over it, or anything like that. I honestly think he should be trying to make it up to you, making you a romantic dinner or breakfast in bed, something like that.

January 14, 2014

Glad to hear the ex thing has been resolved and that he apologized, OP. If it really does turn out to be a once-in-a-blue moon thing rather than a regular occurrence, it's definitely forgivable IMO.

As for the other issue (which is probably the core issue that made the night's events worse), I agree that the best thing to do once you have communicated your expectations is to wait and see (possibly with an internal timeline). Pushing will do zero good, as even if he does cave in and propose due to being pushed, a marriage based on that is really not going to be off to a good start.

January 14, 2014

Hopefully he doesn't continue to speak to her regularly. She's on the radar now so they know how to contact each other. Once every so often? Not a big problem, in my opinion.

Like the other posters, I think the bigger issue is whether or not your're on the same page in the relationship. It seems your timelines of "the next step" are different. Maybe he doesn't feel the need right now to propose, regardless of what he's said before. I feel an open discussion about this is important. Otherwise, you will continue to wonder when it will happen and be disappointed if it doesn't.

January 14, 2014

He explained the situation thus: The ex chatted him up... it was the first time she's looked him up in over a year, and she led with "I had another baby!" He felt awkward talking to her but didn't feel right blowing her off.

I would be even more enraged if someone had the balls to say that to me. He felt uncomfortable blowing her off over the phone but right at home doing it to you in a sexy outfit.

I'm guessing you've had conversations before about the secret friend and such so I guess it's just one of those annoying negatives you'll have to find a way to put up with occasionally if you want the pleasure of his company.

January 14, 2014

if my bf cheated on me with some girl and got her pregnant and then Messaged me to let me know he was having another baby,I'd tell him to FCk off pretty quickly.gosh.

he refers to her as his friend??

I wouldn't keep talking to them for half and hour ,while my new partner just sat there trying to seduce me.

Hilarious rubbish,exactly happy to blow you off but not her

January 14, 2014

No, I haven't. She lives in another city thousands of miles away.

I don't have exes I would want to associate with. Only one serious one, who cheated on me after 7 years together.

Boyfriend is generally an amazing person. But his one huge character defect is he has a tendency to interact with women who I find problematic. Last year he had a secretive, shady friendship with a women here in California, that he concealed from me because she had a crush on him.

This is part of a long term pattern that I thought had ceased to be an issue. Now.. I'm wondering of these interactions are also part of what's holding him back from actually commiting. I feel lost. And sad.

Is this a problematic "pattern" as you say? This is only two women in three years he's chatted up with. I am not making excuses, just asking if this is a pattern?

Three years living together and no proposal. Man o man. Was this discussed? Did you sit down with him sometime previous to this point and say I would like to be engaged by this and this time? Or, where do you see ourselves within three years? It's often said that when someone has a relationship that feels like a marriage and there is no expectation for him/her to consecrate it or follow through on the actual, legal process, he/she won't. He's had it good and sounds like you've been content for the most part.

BUT, you are now feeling anxious b/c you feel that he should have proposed by now. With that he is now chatting it up with an ex. I can tell you this, things will only get worse. He will continue chatting with his ex and you will continue feeling anxious about a proposal.

I think this is a turning point of momentous significance. Something has to give. You need to talk to him. And be prepared to seriously question and walk away from a 3-year relationship. This is NOT ONLY about his talking to an ex. It's about YOUR future and happiness....

January 14, 2014

You have every right to be upset.

Friend? Really? After cheating on him?

Something stinks!

January 14, 2014

if my bf cheated on me with some girl and got her pregnant and then Messaged me to let me know he was having another baby,I'd tell him to FCk off pretty quickly.gosh.

he refers to her as his friend??

I wouldn't keep talking to them for half and hour ,while my new partner just sat there trying to seduce me.

Hilarious rubbish,exactly happy to blow you off but not her

Getting home would have been the perfect excuse to get out of the conversation if he wanted to. You aren't blowing someone off by saying can we talk tomorrow when I'm not busy. The ugly truth is he got off more on talking to her than he did the sexy woman right next to him.

I'm not trying to be mean nes but I've had girlfriends where I had that dynamic and I wouldn't have married them on my own accord. I don't know about breaking up though, from what you've said in the past guys of his caliber are incredibly hard to come by.

January 14, 2014

I don't like this but if it's one off, no biggie. I would keep my eye on it though. I don't think it's cool to say "I don't want you chatting to Julie anymore" but you would hope that he decides that because he feels it's wrong.

January 14, 2014

He's damaged. He took her attention over yours because she's wronged him in the past.

A healthier person would have absolutely no problem blowing her off but instead he lapped up her attention like a wounded puppy dog.

Damaged.

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