no one ever tells you...

[thummper]

I am really sorry, ms_E. The last thing I wanted to do was put any pressure on you or make you feel that you were being threatened or harrassed.

[ms_enigmatic]

Actually, you said this:

 

Sounds like blaming him to me.

 

I don't care how you see this, it's your business. I just want to be sure you see this for what it really is: blaming him for you 'having' to cheat.

 

Not because I'm a bitter BS (never been cheated on), but because taking that stance will NOT allow you to move forward and have a better life. You OR your spouse.

 

 

In the first place I never said I HAD to cheat. I foolishly and off the cuff made a statement, not realizing that I was chumming the shark infested waters here on the forum.

 

my decision to cheat lies soley with me. No one held a gun to my heat or forced me to spread my legs... I F"ING GET THAT! Back the F off about who bears responsibility for my actions.

[dreamingoftigers]

In the first place I never said I HAD to cheat. I foolishly and off the cuff made a statement, not realizing that I was chumming the shark infested waters here on the forum.

 

my decision to cheat lies soley with me. No one held a gun to my heat or forced me to spread my legs... I F"ING GET THAT! Back the F off about who bears responsibility for my actions.

 

Local Shark here.

 

I went through so much of this back and forth with my husband

 

All that I can say is that it's painful and draining when there is so much fault all clustered together that's it's really hard to separate "what was whose" but its pretty clear that you are both hurting pretty bad. Even if the hurt is just coming off as shifting blame back and forth.

 

i think I have some okay advice for this ALTHOUGH not from experience. Because that would have required me to take my own advice, which I am notoriously horrible at. Plus I am just thinking of the advice now, so I haven't even had a chance to not practice what I preach.

 

Make a list.

A list in which you see the actions that he does that inflame and hurt you. List your reactions to them. Then take full, unmitigated responsibility for your actions.

 

Not because "he's right" or "not at fault."

But because my WS get lost in these "chicken and egg" dynamics too. I have historically resented the crap out of him. Still do some days but can see his limitations. He cant make up for my shortcomings so getting on him about all of his spells disaster.

 

At first I think, "why should I bother? He doesn't blah blah blah" but then I realize that if I sit around saying "I shouldnt have to do this that or other" no one will do it. Sometimes if I don't lead thEmotional Maturity Parade, the damn thing never starts.

 

At first I was like, "what a bunch of crap, he gets off scot-free." But often it doesn't work like that.

When I validate him at first he can be a bit prickish. Seriously. Like a test. Sometimes I feel like "well, see I tried. He's just a Jerkface." BUT when I act my age and keep following through.....he actually comes around right about the time I figure he won't.

 

Often the depth of his decency surprises me.

I find him extremely sensitive to shame. (I actually suspect most Waywards are, that's why they keep their actions hidden. To avoid exposure of embarassing thoughts, feelings and attractions. Many I suspect don't want to "rock the boat." )

 

I find that my husband does not often validate my pain or needs unless he feels VERY safe from shame.

 

Is this you? Do you have trouble facing your husband's shame/embarassment/hurt/anger?

 

It doesn't surprise me that both of you are shifting blame back and forth. No one wants to eat that Shame Sandwich.

 

So who goes first in admitting 100% that they intentionally and unintentionally caused the other shame and pain? Who eats the sandwich? Who sits back and hears the other's "I told you so" for a week or so? (I find 48 hours personally).

 

As well, book for you: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 

One of the best marital books I ever read.

Honestly, you can't take his inventory for him. He has to take his own inventory. BUT it especially eon't work until you set your own boundaries. And you don't ask for better treatment than you ste willing to offer. Give yourself and him compassion.

 

And be direct in communicating what you need and want in a consistent manner. Then give him space to consider it and figure out what HE NEEDS and wants.

 

Have you asked him what he needs and wants?

And given him space to figure that out?

 

I didnt realize for the longest time that even HE has trouble KNOWING and ARTICULATING and then SHARING what he wants.

[veritas lux mea]

My husband never gave me enough sexing up. Since he found out about the affair I get a lot more and a lot more variety and we are both loving it. Not all BS are created equel:D