no one ever tells you...

January 14, 2014

I have recently discovered that as the one who cheated, no one ever tells you that when you are the weaker of the two, when you actually break down and cheat, you essentially absolve your partner of any and all culpability of the missteps and prior breakdowns in the relationship.

Everything essentially becomes YOUR fault, regardless of anything they may have done, or how emotionally unavailable they may have been prior to you succumbing to the temptation of the "other".

By no means and I using this to justify my actions, however the truth is always somewhere in the middle, and I did not "step out" for no reason.

I recognize I should have done things differently, however I do not feel as if I am 100% to blame?

You are 100% responsible for your choice to involve your spouse in an open marriage without their knowledge or permission to do so.

The issues that you perceive gave you permission do to so are issues that should have been addressed either through appropriate counselling, communication, or divorce.

Those marital issues are not responsible for an affair. The person who instigates it is entirely responsible.

January 14, 2014

The thing with cheating is that it solves nothing in the marriage and whatever problems you have you've just dumped a nuclear bomb on top of those problems.

Just like burning down your house because it has termites. Your house is now ablaze, and you want to talk to your husband about the termites as he is running for the firehose.

You drop this bomb on your husband, and it sounds like you're now looking to him for some sympathy. You're not going to it anytime soon. Whatever problems you had in the marriage prior, pales in comparison to the problems your affair created.

The OP needs to see this as marital triage.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Betrayed&Stayed

January 14, 2014

Ok, the marriage was not good.

But put yourself in his shoes now. You have changed all the dynamics.

You ripped his heart out of his chest, threw it into the fire, and then cut it up with a knife into little pieces. He will remember this the rest of his life. He may never get over it.

Would you feel like second or third choice? The ripping of the heart hurts like hell. How can you fix it? You can't. How do you make him feel like he is not your backup plan? You can't.

If you are remorseful and can go NC with the POSOM, then you may have a chance. His self-esteem is in the gutter. He may stupidly have a revenge affair to try to deal with the deep pain. I hope not.

So you blew up your marriage. If you can't do the heavy lifting, file for divorce now. Your marriage will never be the same. You are killing any love and devotion that he had for you. However, if you really want to stay married, be transparent. Do not contact the POSOM.

I hope you have been tested for stds. Good luck with it, because you may never understand the pain you gave to your spouse. I do, and it haunts for the last 3 years.

In the future, divorce first, then go play. I hope you do not have kids. It can really mess them up.

January 14, 2014

Well, OP, you are ahead of me. t took me a lot longer than you to figure that one out.

Yeah, we are sucky ho's.

Too bad we aren't lame horses.....

January 14, 2014

While I would never condone cheating, I actually get the premise of this post, and I see it here all the time.

Should you have cheated? No.

But now every single other thing wrong with the relationship is your fault.

Yet one more reason not to cheat. Now he doesn't even need to own his issues. I can see how this would be extremely frustrating.

My husband and I are having a lot of issues in our marriage and I get the whole "Is there someone else?" all the time. Not so much lately because the last time he said it I got super angry...but yeah..sometimes I think he is almost hoping for that so I am the bad guy and he can be the victim.

January 14, 2014

its not 100% your fault and certainly the other issues in M are not 100% your fault.

but stepping out: gives H 'hand', H is the victim and H has leverage.

bottom line -- if you want R you need to own it otherwise its done (which might be want you really want).

January 14, 2014

OP, fMM here.

Great question I was asked in MC by our psychologist

'How is your wife responsible for an action you took completely arbitrarily and voluntarily? Let's talk about that.'

We were equally responsible for our marital discord but my choice to have an EA was entirely my responsibility. Accepting that and working it freed me. Taking responsibility and moving forward can be an impetus to all kinds of positive results. FWIW, I fought on that point for a least a couple months of sessions. However, the psychologist was relentless.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

January 14, 2014

I hear what you are saying. I don't disagree. One contract should be fulfilled, or voided, before beginning another. Some people though, are just trying to live. Trying to get by. Want to feel loved. Find themselves in strange situations. I think a lot of us just want to make things right.

The thing that crosses my mind often is this: If the marriage had ended and your ex had found someone new within six months, a year, would you have felt differently?

Complacency kills.

Oranges to apples. The difference between the two scenarios is the betrayal. Betrayals kill.

January 14, 2014

OP, having had a taste of it, be careful of the voice which complains too loudly and often, especially if that voice suddenly and unexpectedly pops up in an established relationship shortly after you split up but before you're divorced. I've seen two now, one involving my exW and another with her best friend. Unfortunately, her friend recently died and some disturbing information came to light about past behaviors relevant to her divorce, which happened at nearly the same time as our own.

Expect your H to be angry. That's normal; you betrayed the marital trust. However, there is a scary version where, when one spouse has another partner in mind, they poison the marriage, hoping the other partner will take an obviously hurtful action in response, exonerating them, or merely divorce them. Either way, the partner who is moving on wins. You'd have to know your H's marital (past M's) and/or family history to gain further insight, IMO. Generally, such tactics run in families; however, in no way do such tactics, even if true, lessen or eliminate your responsibility in this matter. H will carry his responsibility, whatever it is, forward with him in his life, as will you.

January 14, 2014

Maybe he's a woman trapped in a mans body. LOL

No, I also had a bunch from the woman's list. Guys need attention too. LOL

It's simplistic to say that men only have affairs because of the physical component. I understand that men and women have biological/evolutionary differences when it comes to sex, but in the end an affair usually continues because of the emotional gratification that the two involved are getting. I'm not saying that the emotional attachment is real. Sometimes you like how you look in the other person's eyes. (I'm not talking about one night stands.)

January 14, 2014

While I would never condone cheating, I actually get the premise of this post, and I see it here all the time.

Should you have cheated? No.

But now every single other thing wrong with the relationship is your fault.

Yet one more reason not to cheat. Now he doesn't even need to own his issues. I can see how this would be extremely frustrating.

My husband and I are having a lot of issues in our marriage and I get the whole "Is there someone else?" all the time. Not so much lately because the last time he said it I got super angry...but yeah..sometimes I think he is almost hoping for that so I am the bad guy and he can be the victim.

Thank you.

I am in no way trying to validate, justify, my actions, exonerate or excuse myself. Yes I cheated, yes I am a POS, yes it was my choice, yes I hurt him. Yes I own all of that and so much more. Could I have done things differently, of course. Should I have done things differently, CERTAINLY. But as in all things, hindsight is 20/20.

I appreciate the few people here who have offered encouragement. Again I was not looking for absolution, just a bit of support.

January 14, 2014

Thank you.

I am in no way trying to validate, justify, my actions, exonerate or excuse myself. Yes I cheated, yes I am a POS, yes it was my choice, yes I hurt him. Yes I own all of that and so much more. Could I have done things differently, of course. Should I have done things differently, CERTAINLY. But as in all things, hindsight is 20/20.

I appreciate the few people here who have offered encouragement. Again I was not looking for absolution, just a bit of support.

I'm sorry, I misunderstood your opening post, then. It seemed to me as if you were trying to place some of the blame for your infidelity on your husband? You also use the terms "however" and "but" a few times, in your latest post as well, which usually means that one takes responsibility but doesn't.

I'll be happy to support you in your search for internal reasons for your own bad choices. From my readings, I think a lot of the posters here will support you in this, if that's your wish.

January 14, 2014

Yes you are justifying your actions. Are you kidding...all my husband did in the beginning is point out what I DID WRONG to cause this.

You can do anything other than cheat. Get a divorce.

I have recently discovered that as the one who cheated, no one ever tells you that when you are the weaker of the two, when you actually break down and cheat, you essentially absolve your partner of any and all culpability of the missteps and prior breakdowns in the relationship.

Everything essentially becomes YOUR fault, regardless of anything they may have done, or how emotionally unavailable they may have been prior to you succumbing to the temptation of the "other".

By no means and I using this to justify my actions, however the truth is always somewhere in the middle, and I did not "step out" for no reason.

I recognize I should have done things differently, however I do not feel as if I am 100% to blame?

Edited January 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 14, 2014

Awe...as in all things hindsight is 20/20. Geez...I feel awful for your husband

Support for cheating????? Gah!

Seriously?!

Thank you.

I am in no way trying to validate, justify, my actions, exonerate or excuse myself. Yes I cheated, yes I am a POS, yes it was my choice, yes I hurt him. Yes I own all of that and so much more. Could I have done things differently, of course. Should I have done things differently, CERTAINLY. But as in all things, hindsight is 20/20.

I appreciate the few people here who have offered encouragement. Again I was not looking for absolution, just a bit of support.

January 14, 2014

Unhappy marriage does not lead to infidelity.
Unhappy marriage should lead to:

1. finding a solution
2. sticking with the status quo
3. divorce

Saying an unhappy marriage leads to an affair is the same as saying that having an accident in your car leads to stabbing the other driver in the head with a screwdriver and jumping up and down on his body. It happens and it is certainly an option but for most people it isn't the obvious one and most certainly not a good one

Yeah, I know that is what you like to tell yourselves. However, it HAS led to an affair in my case, and many others. Want to say it has nothing to do with you? Go ahead. Even if the cheater is wrong, it is still entangled.

January 14, 2014

Yeah, I know that is what you like to tell yourselves. However, it HAS led to an affair in my case, and many others. Want to say it has nothing to do with you? Go ahead. Even if the cheater is wrong, it is still entangled.

OK. It's all our fault. We were hurt and rejected but hey! It was all our fault and it just serves us right. That'll teach us to be human and imperfect....

Btw why did you change your tune in your second reply to my post?

January 14, 2014

Awe...as in all things hindsight is 20/20. Geez...I feel awful for your husband

Support for cheating????? Gah!

Seriously?!

WTF? no was not asking for support for cheating. Not even sure how you could interpret such a thing.

I have admitted my mistakes.

Not sure why everyone here is so f'in hateful. Just because someone makes a ridiculously poor choice doesn't mean they don't have feelings, feel bad and wish they could fix or go back and undo their bad choices and decisions.

I thought this forum said it was for people looking to heal and recover from Infidelity. I took that to mean both sides of infidelity. Not just those who were betrayed.

Again as I said I appreciate the few people here who did show some compassion.

I will take my recovery elsewhere.

I apologize for any offense I may have caused.

January 14, 2014

I think it's your approach that's flawed. "I did cheat, BUT...." as the crux of your story is always a red flag. Especially when you offer few specifics as to how you got to where you are.

January 14, 2014

WTF? no was not asking for support for cheating. Not even sure how you could interpret such a thing.

I have admitted my mistakes.

Not sure why everyone here is so f'in hateful. Just because someone makes a ridiculously poor choice doesn't mean they don't have feelings, feel bad and wish they could fix or go back and undo their bad choices and decisions.

I thought this forum said it was for people looking to heal and recover from Infidelity. I took that to mean both sides of infidelity. Not just those who were betrayed.

Again as I said I appreciate the few people here who did show some compassion.

I will take my recovery elsewhere.

I apologize for any offense I may have caused.

Honey, I am sorry. Many a truly remorseful spouse has been scared away from this site by being attacked. Where all they can post is "I am scumm posts" nothin else matter because the majority of the people here are betrayed and don't want to hear anything that amounts to excuses. You are freshly hurting from your own actions. That sucks. You nuked your already troubled marriage. That sucks even more. You are 100% responsible for cheating. That must suck the most. But don't let it define you. You don't have to reconcile and do penance. If you know your husban is never going to be willing to work on his probelms than you may need to consider divorce. You are allowed. Cheating didn't take that right from you.

If you find your words are being twisted here head to surviving infidelity. That forum has a section for the WS and BS aren't allowed to post. You might be less sensitive if you know the posters don't have a bone to pick.

January 14, 2014

WTF? no was not asking for support for cheating. Not even sure how you could interpret such a thing.

I have admitted my mistakes.

Not sure why everyone here is so f'in hateful. Just because someone makes a ridiculously poor choice doesn't mean they don't have feelings, feel bad and wish they could fix or go back and undo their bad choices and decisions.

I thought this forum said it was for people looking to heal and recover from Infidelity. I took that to mean both sides of infidelity. Not just those who were betrayed.

Again as I said I appreciate the few people here who did show some compassion.

I will take my recovery elsewhere.

I apologize for any offense I may have caused.

I'm sorry, this place is full of a lot of pain and agony. Just ignore the posters who bring you down. People are in so much agony, they often can't see past their own pain. It's a natural response, but it doesn't help the WS who's trying to receive a little help. There are a lot of people who do understand the place you're coming from. With these forums, your words do often get twisted into something you didn't intend them to be. Keep posting and ignore the hurtful insults. Oh and use the ignore list for posters who really get under your skin. It's a great tool!

Edited January 14, 2014 by violet1

January 14, 2014

I came back to apologize. I'm having a horrible day. I'm in a lot of pain. I hope you will see this and forgive me for lashing out at you like that. I don't know your whole story. Please take it one day at a time and I hope you can continue to heal. DOn't give up on the group just because some of us are in such emotional pain we can't even think straight some days.

I regret how I handled this.

WTF? no was not asking for support for cheating. Not even sure how you could interpret such a thing.

I have admitted my mistakes.

Not sure why everyone here is so f'in hateful. Just because someone makes a ridiculously poor choice doesn't mean they don't have feelings, feel bad and wish they could fix or go back and undo their bad choices and decisions.

I thought this forum said it was for people looking to heal and recover from Infidelity. I took that to mean both sides of infidelity. Not just those who were betrayed.

Again as I said I appreciate the few people here who did show some compassion.

I will take my recovery elsewhere.

I apologize for any offense I may have caused.

January 14, 2014

If you find your words are being twisted here head to surviving infidelity. That forum has a section for the WS and BS aren't allowed to post. You might be less sensitive if you know the posters don't have a bone to pick.

Thank you SO much for the gracious redirect.

January 14, 2014

Thread starter, this is a moderated forum. Would you like this thread moderated? If so, simply alert us to postings, or a general 'please review' and we'll clean it up and take care of members who are posting outside our guidelines. Thanks!

January 14, 2014

yeah, I admit, I banged the other dude. No question. It just totally sucks, that now even tho he will admit the situation and relationship had major problems all around, the fact that I was the weaker of the two of us, somehow absolves him of all his wrongdoings and misdeeds that he would never admit to or acknowledge prior to my misdeeds.

Is just frustrating that years and years of my begging for change and counseling etc fell on deaf ears, and yet now that I cheated, every thing is MY fault.

Your husband, as the BH, deserves some amount of time to process your cheating and decide if/how/when he wants to reconcile your marriage. I don't think a BH should use their WW's infidelity as a way to win every argument, but for some period of time it's going to dominate your relationship.

You, as the WW, are entitled to decide whether YOU want to stay in the marriage and work on reconciliation. It sounds like you hate your marriage but don't want to end it for some reason. If you are staying for the kids or for financial reasons then you are just going to have to live with all of it. Your choice.

January 14, 2014

OK. It's all our fault. We were hurt and rejected but hey! It was all our fault and it just serves us right. That'll teach us to be human and imperfect....

Btw why did you change your tune in your second reply to my post?

No, no, NO. I certainly don't think it is your fault. I don't think BS is responsible for the affair. But I really get sick of it being a blanket excuse to not ever looking inward.

And just as an aside, if your spouse cheats, yeah, they should do what they can to make things right, but so should the BS.

I just know that my guy felt betrayed, hurt, miserable, shut down, and pushed away from his ex long before he stepped out. I am not saying it is always that way, but for goodness sake, you have to examine not just the WS's faults, but the problems in the marriage. Surely you would agree.

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