dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 My H did this. Made me crazy. My husband got together with me when I was depressed and suicidal. How messed up is that? I actually GOT BETTER. And now he complains that I am "dependent on him." I am ABSOLUTELY NOT and it is so irritating because I actually financially support him and he actively tries to "manage" my feelings which stresses me out and pisses me off. I can take care of myself. I just want a partner to share things with. If I was half as crazy as he claims I wouldve killed him in his sleep by now. Jeez. He goes through these messed up cycles of trying to "save" and then resenting "having to save." I guess without saving or resenting he probably hasn't a clue how to relate to me. Okay, thank you thread. Just saved me from more years of this cycle.
tired girl Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 When mine couldn't save me, he went looking. Thank god he now realizes it and has worked to figure it out and has stopped doing that. That is a dynamic that is so prevalent in our society. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 When mine couldn't save me, he went looking. Thank god he now realizes it and has worked to figure it out and has stopped doing that. That is a dynamic that is so prevalent in our society. Jeepers. If my husband wants to save me, he CAN. he can save me from him trying to save me! Oh paradoxes! 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 They want the Damsel in Distress. Then they end up with the Distressed Damsel. this is very appealing for some men. It now makes me sick. I was a very strong, capable woman - well liked, respected, etc. Like everyone, I had some insecurities and underlying issues, but I never let anyone in - never - so most people didn't know. Somehow he was able to weasel his way in and I let my guard down. The result left me a crumpled mess - a completely devastated and weak former shell of myself. Now I am back - bigger than ever. I have it all back and am looked at in an even better light than before, if that is possible. I will never, ever let anyone do that to me again - ever. Least of all the asshat who made it happen. 1
Author krazikat Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 krazikat, Can you ever remember a time that these guys made these kinds of comments to you prior to your H cheating? Well, I do frequently work with an industry that is more of a mens club and so I get hit on all the time so it is not that in general guys started hitting on me... I just send them on there way...I just never took it seriously because I would never act on it...now with these guys...a couple of them have hit on me before...but before they were married and in some case before either of us were married... 1
tired girl Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Ahhhh, so you thought that it would just automatically stop because of the M. I do not believe it works that way with guys. If the boundaries have not been put in place beforehand that you won't tolerate that, something as pesky as M won't stop men like this. 2
Author krazikat Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 When mine couldn't save me, he went looking. Thank god he now realizes it and has worked to figure it out and has stopped doing that. That is a dynamic that is so prevalent in our society. When I asked my husband why he kept messing with ow, his answer was that she needed him more than I did. So do men have this thing where they have to feel needed?
thummper Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 this is very appealing for some men. It now makes me sick. I was a very strong, capable woman - well liked, respected, etc. Like everyone, I had some insecurities and underlying issues, but I never let anyone in - never - so most people didn't know. Somehow he was able to weasel his way in and I let my guard down. The result left me a crumpled mess - a completely devastated and weak former shell of myself. Now I am back - bigger than ever. I have it all back and am looked at in an even better light than before, if that is possible. I will never, ever let anyone do that to me again - ever. Least of all the asshat who made it happen. So sorry that this happened to you. Sometimes I get disgusted by the way other members of my sex treat women. The ladies get roped in by fake sincerity, then the guys screw them over. This scenario is as old as the hills. 2
tired girl Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 So do men have this thing where they have to feel needed? Some do yes, in my H's case, it was to make him feel better about himself. Had nothing to do with them in reality. You see, if he could fix them, then he must be a really great guy. Now that he knows this, he finds reasons within himself to feel like a great guy, not in other people. 1
thummper Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 When I asked my husband why he kept messing with ow, his answer was that she needed him more than I did. So do men have this thing where they have to feel needed? It's always great to feel like someone "needs" you, but your spouse needs you more than any other person, and I'm NOT talking about sex necessarily. There are needs between a husband and wife that trump any other relationship. Krazy, you sound like a fantastic person. I'm sure your hubby regrets ever taking you for granted. He could have lost you. I hope he thinks about that every time he's tempted. A good woman/wife/life partner is something to be treasured. 2
Author krazikat Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 Ahhhh, so you thought that it would just automatically stop because of the M. I do not believe it works that way with guys. If the boundaries have not been put in place beforehand that you won't tolerate that, something as pesky as M won't stop men like this. Lol, well, they definitely know now!!! Someone had said before that people who dont cheat wont automatically think about cheating. I think this is true. I just assumed married guys were safe. Now that I have been exposed to the ugly truth, I now look at things different. It is also possible that I am giving vibes, too. Also like I said I am friendly by nature which some have mistaken in the past. But I have set them straight.
Author krazikat Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 It's always great to feel like someone "needs" you, but your spouse needs you more than any other person, and I'm NOT talking about sex necessarily. There are needs between a husband and wife that trump any other relationship. Krazy, you sound like a fantastic person. I'm sure your hubby regrets ever taking you for granted. He could have lost you. I hope he thinks about that every time he's tempted. A good woman/wife/life partner is something to be treasured. Ah thanks. You are right, a marriage is, or should be, a partnership, and living life can be hard and knowing your spouse is there and has your back is so important. I do believe he does regret his actions more than he can even say.
WasOtherWoman Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 When I asked my husband why he kept messing with ow, his answer was that she needed him more than I did. So do men have this thing where they have to feel needed? I believe that men want their woman to need them. If a man loves a woman, he wants to take care of her. Even though I don't really need my husband (sshh.. don't tell him) I always make sure that I go out of my way to make him feel needed. It makes him happy to feel like he is taking care of me. I am not talking big things, I am talking things like, I let him drive me somewhere on a snowy day (even though I am perfectly capable of driving myself).. things like that. I think that men, when they love a woman, want to feel like they are protecting her. In my humble opinion, it is smart to allow your man to feel this way. 2
road Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Er no. You can see when someone is attractive. You can even feel a little blush when someone attractive pays you a little extra attention but you don't AT ALL have to go there mentally. Not even out of 'morality' or 'self-discipline.' Your brain just doesn't take you to some kind of porno every time a guy/girl with nice eyes walks by. I think way too many guys have been hooked inti porn and just see all women naked now. I know it was like that for me when I was a regular porn watcher. It kind of skewed everyday interaction for me. I would be wondering if the cart guy at Walmart was "thinking what I was thinking" (exaggeration but you get what I mean). Your problem is that you try to apply female logic to say how a mans brain works.
road Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I can see this being true...It is disappointing though that now I will be looking sideways at all males now and wondering what their game is...married or not! : You do not have to wonder what men think we have told you. You also have been told that not every man that finds a women attractive will try to bed you. So just keep going the way you have been all these years. What we think when we see a women has never caused her to alter her day. Unless she has mental telepathy.
road Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 I have struggled a lot with understanding this one, because finding someone attractive doesn't make me want to have sex with them. I think it's true for many men though. I once had a boyfriend who would get upset when I hung out with male friends because he thought they all wanted me. I eventually figured out the truth: he secretly wanted to bang all of his female friends. Talk about projection He wanted to bang all his female friends? Well DUAH Times Four! This is what guys been saying on this thread. As to you finding guys attractive and you do not want to have sex with them. Well again you can not use female logic to understand how a mans brain works.
katielee Posted January 17, 2014 Posted January 17, 2014 Just to throw a wrench in this, it's been my experience that single men have better boundaries around Married women than married men. 2
thummper Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Just to throw a wrench in this, it's been my experience that single men have better boundaries around Married women than married men. Really? Seriously? I'm not sure where that observation came from. A lot of my single male friends, now and in the past, regard married women as legitimate targets....a challenge, if you will. Since they're not married, they have nothing to lose if the affair blows up. And believe me when I tell you they have this down to a science. Oh, the compliments, oh the sweet words, oh the declarations of love. It's quite something to watch unfold. Sometimes I think some of them even carve notches on their bedposts to commemorate each new conquest. Then, like hunters who have the scent of their prey, it's on to the next one! Of course maybe the single guys you know are different from the ones in my experience.....DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
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