krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Okay, serious vent and discussion here. In the past I have been hit on by married men...and I always shrugged it off after telling them, "take it to your wife" and limited any communication if I saw them around or just avoided them altogether. In my career I am exposed to a certain industry of men known for cheating and have never taken any advances there seriously. So just and idea of my mindset...before infidelity smacked me upside the head. So in the past year, I have noticed my male friends comments more and realizing even they aren't so innocent...such as when I come back from vacation being told "I missed seeing you walk by my desk" type of comments...not brazenly hitting on me but now I think it is testing my reaction. And I don't react...so they don't take it any further but a comment here and there. But maybe I had blinders on? I do have the tendency to focus on the good in people around me. For some reason this past month it seems as though some of my guy friends have lost their minds! Married men, all of them! It leaves me wondering, can any man keep it in his pants? One told me that when he listens to "lets get it on" it makes him think of me. Another different one actually said something about kissing me! And then yet made a comment about how unlucky a man would be not to have me...sexually. Wth? None of them know about my husband cheating and as far as they know my husband and I have never had a prpblem. And most I have known for at least a decade. It is depressing. I imagine my husband acting like that, and it pisses me off. I have always had guy friends...but now, I don't know.
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 It sounds like you are surprised your guy friends want to bang you, which is weird. It also seems like your male friends are complete and utter scumbags who try to hit on women they know are married. Well..no, not all guys are like that. You just kinda need better friends. 2
thummper Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 How refreshing! A woman who must be pretty good looking and "sexy" resisting the come-on's from all the guys you work with. It's great that you're being faithful even if your hubby has strayed. After reading the posts on this site for months now, sometimes it seems as though there aren't any wives or husbands who can resist the temptations that are thrown their way. It's nice to know there are at least a few who don't go down that road to ruin. 5
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 When I was young, late teens-early 20s, I always remember having girlfriends tell me "this guy said this" or "this guy offered me that" and I would say to them, "he's hitting on you," and none of them ever thought that was the case - always thought "he's just a nice guy, he's 'friendly' like that with everybody." I would tell them, "Not with me, he's not, and not with other guys." They seemed so oblivious to guys hitting on them, I wondered if they really knew and were just playing some kind of game, or if they really were that oblivious. Well, for the most part, they really were that oblivious. I noticed that once a woman reached about age 25-26, she seemed to have a better grip on it, and knew when a guy was blatantly hitting on her. I guess what I am saying is, I don't know how old you are, but you have a "young" mindset. Those guys are hitting on you. I bet they don't say those things to other guys, or to women they are NOT interested in. They are not just a bunch of "friendly" guys. 1
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I also want to add do not tell these other dudes your husband cheated, because that will just make them up the ante even more in terms of their hitting on you. Though seriously: consider getting better friends too, there are guys out there who know which boundaries they shouldn't overstep. It takes a certain lack of class to hit on a married women who is also apparently your friend. 5
thummper Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Right on, Spectre!! Krazy, it would be like throwing gasoline on a bonfire. You'd never get any respite from it. The hits would be coming at you mercilessly. 2
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 It sounds like you are surprised your guy friends want to bang you, which is weird. It also seems like your male friends are complete and utter scumbags who try to hit on women they know are married. Well..no, not all guys are like that. You just kinda need better friends. Seriously...a couple of them have been good friends for a very long time who have not crossed the line before. And yes, now I am looking at them crooked...Like scumbags for sire. i have cut off communication with all of them...one I am going to try and salvage because wehave been close for years since we were 14 and always platonic. He had a crush on me then but he had dated a friend so I let him know it would never be. I am going to tell him to never go there with me again as long as either one of us is married. And I am in my 30's, I would not consider myself naive, I think that because I do work with guys in an industry common to cheating that I have just trained myself to block it out and ignore...so much so that until my husband cheated on me, I just had it blocked to keep it out of my way. And I wont cheat. For a hot second I may have considered a revenge affair but I am not going to lower my morals just because someone else did me wrong. I would regret that...it would eat me up. I am not a cheater. If my husband cheats again, I will divorce him. Period. And sorry, no offense to the guys with the pants comment. I do realize there are also women out there that cant keep their panties on... 5
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Right on, Spectre!! Krazy, it would be like throwing gasoline on a bonfire. You'd never get any respite from it. The hits would be coming at you mercilessly. I agree...they will never know. I have only told my sister about my husband cheating, so it should never get to them. Yikes, I cant imagine.
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 men behaving badly? Shocker, I know... Do not tolerate it! Call them out on it....immediately. Tell them you are telling their wife they said that...and use her first name! Tell them your H ( and use his first name!) won't appreciate those remarks and he may have some choice words for them. Enforce boundaries in the work place. Use your spouse's first name OFTEN with colleagues. Shut down the sexual innuendo nonsense...and watch their respect grow. Not only grow, but they will KNOW their are lines you do not cross with Krazikat. And they will like you MORE, respect you MORE for it. 6
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) If these guys were friends for a long time and suddenly began acting this way..I'd DEFINITELY be thinking maybe they did find out about your husband cheating then. Since, why all of a sudden start acting this way? It'd be one thing if you just met them, but it is strange to me they would just out of the blue start hitting on you unless they thought you were vulnerable or something. It's mighty random to just wake up one day and decide to hit on someone you've known for a while who is married. Unless you recently started dressing dramatically different or acting differently or something. Geez..maybe these guys can sense your husband cheated without even knowing it, sort of like scumbag-radar. Edited January 14, 2014 by Spectre 4
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You may be sending out different vibes due to what your H has done. Make sure your boundaries are shored up and call them on the crappy remarks. Guys like that are not friends. 6
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I guess the one good thing that came out of the cheating is..it kinda shined a flashlight on all your creepy guy friends who were probably just waiting to take advantage. I know that probably isn't much of a silver lining though. At the same time, it's always a good thing when you get creepy dudes out of your life. 3
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 If these guys were friends for a long time and suddenly began acting this way..I'd DEFINITELY be thinking maybe they did find out about your husband cheating then. Since, why all of a sudden start acting this way? It'd be one thing if you just met them, but it is strange to me they would just out of the blue start hitting on you unless they thought you were vulnerable or something. It's mighty random to just wake up one day and decide to hit on someone you've known for a while who is married. Unless you recently started dressing dramatically different or acting differently or something. Geez..maybe these guys can sense your husband cheated without even knowing it, sort of like scumbag-radar. There really is no way they could know...I have not told anyone but my sister, and she only k.ows one of them and hasnt spoken to him in over 10 years. My husband hasnt told anyone. His ow would not even know any of them.my fb is locked down but even if she could see my fb friends it wouldnt make sense.... I suspect I have just been blocking. Perhaps a bit jaded because of my work so I just didnt realize...hard to make it make sense. Not all are guys I work with...a few have been friends since we were teens. Maybe its my new haircut lol.
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 If these guys were friends for a long time and suddenly began acting this way..I'd DEFINITELY be thinking maybe they did find out about your husband cheating then. Since, why all of a sudden start acting this way? It'd be one thing if you just met them, but it is strange to me they would just out of the blue start hitting on you unless they thought you were vulnerable or something. It's mighty random to just wake up one day and decide to hit on someone you've known for a while who is married. Unless you recently started dressing dramatically different or acting differently or something. Geez..maybe these guys can sense your husband cheated without even knowing it, sort of like scumbag-radar. Omg spectre lol i would love a scum bag radar!!! And no I dress the same...no dramatic changes. 1
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 You may be sending out different vibes due to what your H has done. Make sure your boundaries are shored up and call them on the crappy remarks. Guys like that are not friends. Tired girl, that is something I should definitely consider. Perhaps I am without even realizing? My boundaries are definitely strong in knowing I wont cheat..but maybe something in my demeanor has changed...that is worth looking into. 3
carhill Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 While I join you in your disappointment and dismay OP, one commonality amongst all these men *is* that they're married, which means they have the skillset and ambition to attract women, maintain relationships and be married. They didn't get that way by being reticent with women. They got that way by being aggressive with women; assertive about romance. It's not a faucet which handle gets turned when they say 'I do' and the stuff just goes away. The best of them keep their counsel and focus on their marriages. Others 'leak' occasionally. Others behave the way you've described. That said, even the best of them, when with other men, often 'let their hair down', no differently than women do. I've been privy to both and have seen the behaviors. The old 'rascal' is still in there; he's merely chosen to follow the tenets of marriage. Lastly, like so many MW's I've encountered in life, these erstwhile MM's can also be and often are a lot of talk with little action. Take them on and see how many shrink away. Back when I was single, I started making sport out of saying 'yes' to MW's to see just how far they'd go. In reality, few were interested in 'going' anywhere. It's merely a time-filler and distraction from the normalcy of their marriages. Sure, some will start an affair but that's been relatively infrequent IME. I mention this because, apparently like yourself, I've been an MW 'magnet' most of my life. In fact, the vast majority of women, nearly all, who have 'hit on' me have been married. If two women, one married and one single, are standing side by side, invariably it will be the one who turns out to be married who does the flirting. So many these days do not wear wedding rings so I'm never confident about who's married and who isn't. Considering what you went through in your M, I can't imagine what a trigger these actions by potential or real MM's can be. It sure would be nice if the rain would stop for awhile and bright sunshine of healthy married men socially and in the workplace replace it. I hope that finds you. 4
tired girl Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think certain men can sense a vulnerability sometimes when we are going through something. I was hit on a lot when I was separated from my H. I wasn't actively looking, but I had several guys make the same kind of comments you are talking about. I realize now I was giving out vibes that I wasn't intending to give out. 4
Just_AGuy Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Lolz. Check how you look like. I went to court today and the female who took my papers was wearing VERY short dress with see-through stockings. I was wandering how many times a day he was hit by men. I believe some women are good at attracting other men, but another talent is to keep men away from you. It's about how you look and how you position yourself. If you're being hit too often means you look or act too available.
thummper Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Well, ahem, if Krazy looks ANYTHING like her avatar, she's probably having to hold the men back with a pitchfork, or a chair and a whip like a pack of snarling jungle beasts! 2
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 While I join you in your disappointment and dismay OP, one commonality amongst all these men *is* that they're married, which means they have the skillset and ambition to attract women, maintain relationships and be married. They didn't get that way by being reticent with women. They got that way by being aggressive with women; assertive about romance. It's not a faucet which handle gets turned when they say 'I do' and the stuff just goes away. The best of them keep their counsel and focus on their marriages. Others 'leak' occasionally. Others behave the way you've described. That said, even the best of them, when with other men, often 'let their hair down', no differently than women do. I've been privy to both and have seen the behaviors. The old 'rascal' is still in there; he's merely chosen to follow the tenets of marriage. Lastly, like so many MW's I've encountered in life, these erstwhile MM's can also be and often are a lot of talk with little action. Take them on and see how many shrink away. Back when I was single, I started making sport out of saying 'yes' to MW's to see just how far they'd go. In reality, few were interested in 'going' anywhere. It's merely a time-filler and distraction from the normalcy of their marriages. Sure, some will start an affair but that's been relatively infrequent IME. I mention this because, apparently like yourself, I've been an MW 'magnet' most of my life. In fact, the vast majority of women, nearly all, who have 'hit on' me have been married. If two women, one married and one single, are standing side by side, invariably it will be the one who turns out to be married who does the flirting. So many these days do not wear wedding rings so I'm never confident about who's married and who isn't. Considering what you went through in your M, I can't imagine what a trigger these actions by potential or real MM's can be. It sure would be nice if the rain would stop for awhile and bright sunshine of healthy married men socially and in the workplace replace it. I hope that finds you. Thanks carhill. It definitely is a trigger for me, and makes me feel angry and disappointed. Thank you for the kind words...that bit of sunshine would be nice about now. 1
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Lolz. Check how you look like. I went to court today and the female who took my papers was wearing VERY short dress with see-through stockings. I was wandering how many times a day he was hit by men. I believe some women are good at attracting other men, but another talent is to keep men away from you. It's about how you look and how you position yourself. If you're being hit too often means you look or act too available. Thats definitely not it...i dress quite modestly...the shortest skirts I wear are to my knees, i rarely wear heels, and typically rock a pant suit when in the office or modest gym clothes when training. 1
thummper Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Lolz. Check how you look like. I went to court today and the female who took my papers was wearing VERY short dress with see-through stockings. I was wandering how many times a day he was hit by men. I believe some women are good at attracting other men, but another talent is to keep men away from you. It's about how you look and how you position yourself. If you're being hit too often means you look or act too available. I don't know, Just. Even though I'm happily married, just the fact that I'm a man means that, even now, I'll check out a good lookin' lady. Believe me, it's never more than lookin', but by golly, I do look. Too bad the guys she's around can't be a little more respectful. (Or maybe I should have said, A LOT more respectful.) I think there are a lot of guys who look at a wedding ring as a challenge to their masculinity. Keep it up, Krazy. Sit back and enjoy watching them make horny fools of themselves. If you can avoid feeling disgusted at their antics, maybe you can get a good chuckle out of it. Edited January 14, 2014 by thummper 1
lollipopspot Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Married men, all of them! It leaves me wondering, can any man keep it in his pants? I've had my confidence shaken too. The guy I thought was the most honorable, loyal, boudaried married man...propositioned me and tried to do more. It made me wonder if HE can stray, maybe anyone can... Disappointing. 2
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I don't know, Just. Even though I'm happily married, just the fact that I'm a man means that, even now, I'll check out a good lookin' lady. Believe me, it's never more than lookin', but by golly, I do look. Too bad the guys she's around can't be a little more respectful. (Or maybe I should have said, A LOT more respectful.) I think there are a lot of guys who look at a wedding ring as a challenge to their masculinity. Keep it up, Krazy. Sit back and enjoy watching them make horny fools of themselves. If you can avoid feeling disgusted at their antics, maybe you can get a good chuckle out of it. I think if my husband hadn't cheated I might find it more humorous....but with my husband having his LTA and dday was about a year ago...it really does make me angry and disappointed. And annoyed. I am a friendly person by nature, but it seems that this can backfire. I learned to watch it when dealing with men in the industry but to even have long term friends crossing the line, it is just sad to me. Why are there so many cheaters out there? And like the poster above said, it could be they are playing and if I acted interested in return they could run, but still. Ugh. 1
Author krazikat Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 I've had my confidence shaken too. The guy I thought was the most honorable, loyal, boudaried married man...propositioned me and tried to do more. It made me wonder if HE can stray, maybe anyone can... Disappointing. Exactly. It make me see them completely different... And then I wonder if they have already had an affair, or affairs. And I wonder if I am the only one who has never cheated on anyone. It is a depressing thought process. 1
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