I know this not a original post but Im drowning with guilt!!!!!

[Learningtoletgo]

Hello All,

 

Thank you all so much for the advice. I cannot believe all of the responses that I have gotten; they have all opened me up to think and consider many different paths and point of views.

 

The reason why I think it took me so long to respond is because I have yet to confess to my SO, and I know that there many people on here that think that is the wrong decision. It's not that I don't agree, but it is so much easier said than done. I not only have an SO who I have to worry about being affected by my awful actions, but a 9 year old daughter who I am the most concerned over. Knowing that the biggest role model for a child is the same sex parent, I fear what she may become due to my issues. I know that my mother had an affair and left my father, and look what it has done to me!!!!

 

Now, I'm not saying that I will never tell. I still deal with guilt every day. It is still unbearable at times, so I don't know what the future holds.

 

And yes, I think about the fact that it could get out By other means EVERY DAY so I am also living with that fear. The thing is, it seems unlikely at this point that it will come out, but I know that there is always a chance that it could. There is nothing I can really say about that...except that I'll be forced to deal with it if one day it comes out. I know that.

 

As for what my therapist says, she hasn't really given me advice on whether to tell or not to tell. She thinks that I have to arrive to that conclusion myself. She does not specialize in infidelity, but she is just trying to support me with whatever decision I make and figure out how best I can live with my decision. We mostly work together on why and how I allowed myself to enter the affair in the first place so that I never make a decision like this again.

 

Anyway, LS has been such a great place for me because it has allowed me to see the pain that affairs cause. I have had a couple of close friends who were unfaithful and they never told and to this day, have moved on with their lives . Because of those friends, I didn't know how much guilt would be involved. I also didn't know what an affair can do to a betrayed spouse. When I first came on here (and still sometimes) I would get sick to my stomach knowing that I am now a person who has done something that could cause so much pain. I still don't know if I will ever be able to fully forgive myself, whether I tell or do not tell.

 

Again, thank you for all of your responses. It may not seem as if they were helpful, but they were/are. I have read many of them over and over and I'm hoping that one day I can be at peace for whatever decision I decide to make.

[veritas lux mea]

Some will say, you have to come clean, not to do so is selfish and simply acting out of self interest.

 

We could also say that telling, is not a selfless act, but in fact, an attempt to pass the pain and guilt onto the BS to endure. But not sending the BS into PTSD, one is also acting in the interest of the spouse.

 

There is no win win here. The decision to tell cannot be based on what is being selfish or not because there are always two aspects to disclosure: TELLING the TRUTH - and therefore giving the BS the right to decide what to do about THAT, and the consequence of TELLING which is PTSD, which if you cause, does NOT give the BS the right to decide if he/she wants it.

 

So it seems to me the WS has to decide if the RIGHT TO KNOW FOR ONESELF outweighs the seriousness of turning someone's world UPSIDE DOWN and into Trauma without their permission.

 

That is jusy more twisted thinking to keep someone in the dark so your own cozy life goes uninterupted. Oh hae a little extra sex, don't get caught, don't tell and keep on looking your spouse in the face all the while knowing your bags would be packed if the knew the truth about you. I will never by the selfish to tell and selfless to swallow guilt. Horse puckey.

 

And in all my reading on forums, in all my real life sotries Ive seen I have yet to hear of someone getting ptsd from a confessed affair. It is alwas when the affair is caught and even more likely if caught in the act. People who are told recover faster and reconcile more often. And there is a reason for this. Because the truth being freely given is so much better than decievin your partner into staying. I mean you go and f*** someone for fun. Behind your partners back and hen people actually suggest you continue to betray then by never confessing? Ludicerous.

[veritas lux mea]

Hello All,

 

Thank you all so much for the advice. I cannot believe all of the responses that I have gotten; they have all opened me up to think and consider many different paths and point of views.

 

The reason why I think it took me so long to respond is because I have yet to confess to my SO, and I know that there many people on here that think that is the wrong decision. It's not that I don't agree, but it is so much easier said than done. I not only have an SO who I have to worry about being affected by my awful actions, but a 9 year old daughter who I am the most concerned over. Knowing that the biggest role model for a child is the same sex parent, I fear what she may become due to my issues. I know that my mother had an affair and left my father, and look what it has done to me!!!!

 

Now, I'm not saying that I will never tell. I still deal with guilt every day. It is still unbearable at times, so I don't know what the future holds.

 

And yes, I think about the fact that it could get out By other means EVERY DAY so I am also living with that fear. The thing is, it seems unlikely at this point that it will come out, but I know that there is always a chance that it could. There is nothing I can really say about that...except that I'll be forced to deal with it if one day it comes out. I know that.

 

As for what my therapist says, she hasn't really given me advice on whether to tell or not to tell. She thinks that I have to arrive to that conclusion myself. She does not specialize in infidelity, but she is just trying to support me with whatever decision I make and figure out how best I can live with my decision. We mostly work together on why and how I allowed myself to enter the affair in the first place so that I never make a decision like this again.

 

Anyway, LS has been such a great place for me because it has allowed me to see the pain that affairs cause. I have had a couple of close friends who were unfaithful and they never told and to this day, have moved on with their lives . Because of those friends, I didn't know how much guilt would be involved. I also didn't know what an affair can do to a betrayed spouse. When I first came on here (and still sometimes) I would get sick to my stomach knowing that I am now a person who has done something that could cause so much pain. I still don't know if I will ever be able to fully forgive myself, whether I tell or do not tell.

 

Again, thank you for all of your responses. It may not seem as if they were helpful, but they were/are. I have read many of them over and over and I'm hoping that one day I can be at peace for whatever decision I decide to make.

 

Tell, trust me. It may turn your life upside down but it will give yoù SO a chance to know the truth about his marriage instead of lving a lie. And if you go to the infidelity board you can get a lot of help on how to act.

 

Your friends probably weren't as moraly upright or with as strong character as you so that is why they made it to be no big deal. Or inside they are dying and one day years from now will blurt it out and things will be ten times worse.

 

Your daughter will be fine as long as you show her love. And when she is older be honest not like your friends.

[bubbaganoosh]

I'm not going to condemn you or run you down because you'll get enough of that here but I do have a question.

 

What good is seeking IC when the only way you can shed the guilt is for you to come clean and tell you SO. IMO, it's the only way to get it out and granted, you have to let the chips fall where the may and deal with it.

[Scott Thomas]

1. Tell now and start working on your relationship.

 

2. Tell after a year and start working on your relationship.

 

Since you have a limited life, option 2 would set your reconciliation back by a year.

 

3. Don't tell at all and continue to deceive your partner. I gather, from your posts, that this is not a viable option?

[BetrayedH]

What's important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.

 

And what is the meaning of her past if her actions in the future continue to be that of a liar?

 

If she continues to be dishonest, I don't think she'll have learned the most important lesson. It's the lies that are the biggest problem and they're not going to get better with age.

 

As for the OP's daughter, I think she's best taught to be honest about her mistakes, take accountability, be remorseful, and ask for forgiveness. If this affair is instead discovered, what will you have taught her then? To lie, deny, and minimize until you have no integrity left? That this is what her mother does?

 

OP, your challenge is not the logic or ethics of this decision. The good and right decision is a clear one. It's having the courage to follow-thru that's the hard part and you know it. And as Owl says, the right decision is rarely the easy one.

 

Make the decision to come clean and then find the courage to do it.

[road]

No problem doing the deed.

 

 

You were brave enough then. Now just channel that bravery and tell your BH.

 

 

It is wrong for you to force your BH to live the rest of his life based on a lie.