I know this not a original post but Im drowning with guilt!!!!!

January 14, 2014

Hello all,

I really need support.

It's been five months nc after a year (or so) affair with an ex-co worker. It was basically fwb only having actual sex once but several other hook ups. Basically, when we both felt the crazy connection between us, we freaked and mutually decided nc. ( well, he began it, but I never tried to end it because I knew it needed to be over) It was hard at first, but because we never said ily and tried to keep the emotions under control throughout the affair, I will say that I'm now completely out of the fog. This was my first affair btw.

Now I'm dealing with horrible horrible guilt for what I have done . I have an SO who I've been with for 12 years and I also have a child with him. He does not know about what I have done and I struggle with that everyday. I have not told him out of fear for the pain I will cause, and because of my daughter. I also feel horrible for what I did to mm's wife. I don't know how I let myself do that to another woman.

I know that most people in here won't have sympathy for me, and that my guilt is too late and I should have thought of all of this before. But to be honest, I didn't think at all about anything before except my selfish desire for sex and to be desired by a man (again). It's horrible, but it's the truth. The fact that I could be like that scared me and I have been in IC for a year now working on myself to figure out how I could commit such betrayal.

So my question is, how do other people deal with guilt? Sometimes for me it can be debilitating. It kills me to think that I will have to live with what I have done for the rest of my life.

Also, I tend to torture myself by reading posts by the bs on the infidelity forum. It makes me sick to see how infidelity hurts people, and that I have played a part in something that could change people's lives in such a horrible way. I wish that I knew the tragic, horrible pain that infidelity really caused. I didn't know at all. I knew it was wrong, but the stories that I have read by the bs's and their comments to WS's are filled with so much more pain than I ever thought possible. I can't stop reading them, I almost feel like the guilt I feel from reading them is a punishment that I deserve. Does anyone else do this?

Thanks so much for listening and letting me vent. I feel so alone with these feelings.

Lastly, I know that many of you feel like I should tell my SO, and I promise you, I think about this everyday. I will admit that I am a complete coward when it comes to this. I don't know if I could handle the pain it will cause on so many innocent people, especially my daughter. Once again, selfish, I know.

January 14, 2014

Learningtoletgo.. After ending my very passionate A last week.. I went to google to try and read up on anything and everything I could to help me deal with the pain of losing my MM, and the guilt of lying to so many people.

The thing that finally helped take some of the burden off my shoulders was my friend telling me this..

"You knew going into this that having an A with a MM was wrong. But you fell in love.. you probably didn't plan on it, did you?? (I said no) And are you sorry you did it?? (I said yes) Well.. then we learned something today.. By God, you're HUMAN."

Everyone makes mistakes. It's in our nature.. it's in our make up. We all make different mistakes, and make them at different levels.. but in the end, they are all mistakes.

You have learned from your mistake.. so now it's time to focus on yourself, your own healing, and forgiving yourself for making your mistake. This is not to excuse what you, I, and 50% of the population have done.. This is a way for you to realize you're not a bad person. You're a good person who got caught in a difficult situation. Forgive yourself, and rededicate your heart and love to your SO.

Good luck!

January 14, 2014

All of us make mistakes. What we do afterwards to correct these mistakes is what defines us.

1. Maintain strict NC with the other man.

Was he married? Does he have a gf?

2. Start working on your marriage.

Is there any chance your SO could find out? What about his right to be in a relationship with someone who loves him? How long do you plan on deceiving him?

In any case, start counselling (individual and MC-though it would be very hypocritical/deceptive to ask your SO to start MC without telling them the 'correct' reason for it).

Work on your relationship with your SO. There are several books on recovering from affairs. Start reading them.

January 14, 2014

All of us make mistakes. What we do afterwards to correct these mistakes is what defines us.

Precisely. 'To err is human' and to stop 'erring' and start to do the right thing is all anyone can ask.

January 14, 2014

I think your creating a pattern of staying stuck and staying IN the affair by forcing daily guilt and suffering on yourself. Your obsessing is keeping it going. Your reliving every day is making you go backwards.

You are sorry. Its ok. You didnt intend it, now stop staying stuck.

Do good deeds, be a kind SO and Mom and know you learned and didnt allow it to continue.

It was unselfish to realize the mistake and get control and stop.

Many people stray and you caught the misdoing, dialed back and fixed it, your relationship is ok, his marriage is ok, no one was hurt but you.

You did the right thing so now stop dwelling, move forward, dont cause more pain by telling your so, keep it private in counseling.

You learned, made a human error that didnt come from a spiteful calculated place and now its done. Its over and unless you wanna stay in jail, go forward and be free from these chains.

January 14, 2014

I think your creating a pattern of staying stuck and staying IN the affair by forcing daily guilt and suffering on yourself. Your obsessing is keeping it going. Your reliving every day is making you go backwards.
You are sorry. Its ok. You didnt intend it, now stop staying stuck.
Do good deeds, be a kind SO and Mom and know you learned and didnt allow it to continue.
It was unselfish to realize the mistake and get control and stop.

Many people stray and you caught the misdoing, dialed back and fixed it, your relationship is ok, his marriage is ok, no one was hurt but you.
You did the right thing so now stop dwelling, move forward, dont cause more pain by telling your so, keep it private in counseling.
You learned, made a human error that didnt come from a spiteful calculated place and now its done. Its over and unless you wanna stay in jail, go forward and be free from these chains.

As a former WH, M-OM and a BH, I disagree with some things:

There is no dialling back, her relationship with her SO has not been fixed.

No one was hurt but you?

So her SO wasn't her by her EA/PA?

This selfish, what they don't know won't hurt them, my needs before theirs or the truth is what I decide it is attitude, is what led to the affair in the first place. While I've been in your shoes, I realised that nothing gives me the right to hide the truth, deceive my SO or decide what's best for them (this includes the right to find a loyal partner). What if the SO finds out after a few years?

Counselling? Why should the SO attend counselling and waste their time/money especially if they're being deceived.

In any case, these are questions you must consider before you make any decision. Remember, the physical part aside, it's the deception that hurts. Forget the OM and concentrate on your family. Make them your first priority.

January 14, 2014

Forget the OM and concentrate on your family. Make them your first priority.

Yes! Forget it ever happened, and never ever do that crap again! Now you have learned that you're human with failings so recognize and stay away from temptations.

January 14, 2014

Thank you all so much for your replies. It does help a bit to know that I'm not the only person who has dealt with situations like this.

I do agree that all people make mistakes, and it is nice to be reminded of that. I have always lived my life not judging people for mistakes that they have made, but is so hard when it is yourself not to judge.

I also agree that I am in this horrible place where I am torturing myself by continually immersing myself in the affair world through the infidelity forum on this website. I find that I get comfort on the other woman/ man forum (for the most part) but the infidelity website puts me in such a bad place. One thing I have to work on, for my own sanity, is to stop reading the posts on there. I know now what affairs do to the betrayed (I've been reading and learning for a year now), I don't know how else that site can benefit me.

Thank you, Scott for being honest with me, and speaking from the betrayed side of things. I'm not going to lie, your take on it all is so hard for me to hear. I'm paralyzed with fear when it comes to confessing. It is something that I am working on in NC. I don't know if I believe yet whether telling is what I should do, but I have read stories about people finding out years later, and it's just awful. And yes, I guess it could happen.

Right now, I'm trying to gain the strength to make the right decisions for me and my daughter, the strength to move on with my life, which would mean at some point to forgive myself.

January 14, 2014

Do you need our input on reconciling/recovering your marriage? Remember, we're here to help you ( and I've also been the WH and the AP so my experience covers both sides if the fence).

I hope you learn something good from this forum. I would urge you to keep posting, despite the negative comments you may encounter. We hear about the bad things that occur in the real world but when has that stopped us from venturing out of our homes?

January 14, 2014

Thanks Scott,

Believe me, I have learned so much from this site, and it has also been my saving grace a couple of late nights when the guilt was eating me up. I'm not going anywhere, but I do have to let up a little on the betrayed spouse posts. Not because they don't teach me, but sometimes they can put me in a real bad place. It's the worst feeling to know that I am/ was a reason for that type of pain.

Anyway, thanks for listening and I will definitely reach out for support

January 15, 2014

My $.02...

When you confess to your SO and the other BS is when you'll feel worthy of forgiving yourself. You've only come halfway and that is why you're still "stuck." Honestly, a confession here is the obvious answer and this searching around for another alternative is not working for you. Meant gently, stop avoiding the obvious answer. Make it your job to find the courage and to really follow- thru. Make specific plans and don't waste time on anything else.

Good luck.

January 17, 2014

I dont find it worthwhile to devastate her partner.

She is paying a heavy price with guilt and has learned. Why destroy him? Shes not leaving him? I wouldnt tell. Just me though.

January 18, 2014

I dont find it worthwhile to devastate her partner.
She is paying a heavy price with guilt and has learned. Why destroy him? Shes not leaving him? I wouldnt tell. Just me though.

Don't listen to this opinion!!!! Trust me. I searches and searched for te people online who validated my desire to keep my affair a secret. But what is happening when you read the BS board is this: your conscience is screaming at you to come clean! Some people have a stronger conscience... U obviously do so i would bet you won't start on the path of forgiving yourself unless you become an authentic person. You'll be one of those people who will always wonder "would he love me if he knew?" i was one. And then there was the chance of discocery. Peope find out about affairs years later... Unless the AP is dead and all evidence burned.... There is a chance.

I came to grips with this and told my best friend. Thats my husband btw. I got a good ending out of it tho things inside me or still bunpy at times but I can tell you i have not regreted coming clean for one minute. It was hard seeing the pain and knowing i put it there but I am a big girl, ican face the music. Well, i new i had to.

Sounds to me like u need to too. And u won't lose ur baby girl... Actually you be more likely to lose her heart if she is older and this comes out.

January 31, 2014

So it seems to me the WS has to decide if the RIGHT TO KNOW FOR ONESELF outweighs the seriousness of turning someone's world UPSIDE DOWN and into Trauma without their permission.

But here's the problem...the WS's viewpoint is already skewed by a desire to avoid conflict. That's typically part of the affair...and, they're normally already looking for reasons "not to tell" so that they can avoid dealing with the responsibility for their actions.

So leaving them as the sole decision maker...especially without any input from those that have been through this as a BS...can often end in results that their BS may well not agree with.

The other thought I've got on this is that it's not the act of "telling" that causes the BS trauma and may cause them to deal with PTSD...it's the fact that they had the affair in the first place. Telling is just accepting responsibility for your actions, and levelling the playing field so that the BS can make an informed decision on their own future with all the pertinent information.

Not telling doesn't erase the damage...it simply covers it up. And often, it's uncovered through other means.

Note it's always the BS's that insist on telling? Wouldn't it make sense that they'd be the biggest advocate for NOT telling if they truly thought that was the best course of action for the betrayed spouse?

January 31, 2014

Learningtoletgo, the way you describe all that guilt sounds horrible. You can't undo the past, what's done is done, so you need to figure out what is the best path forward.

Honesty and openness are very important to me and my H knows this about me, so he would never be in doubt as to whether I would want to know. If you and your H have not been so explicit, you may not have such a clear knowledge of whether he wants the truth. And, of course, your thinking on this can be clouded by your own fears and wishes.

Personally, I tend to think of not telling like tricking the BS every day to stay married to you under false pretences. But, as I said, honesty and openness in my marriage are very important to me. From this forum, I get the idea that some WS do keep silent and hope their spouse never finds out. Surely it must erode some of the intimacy in the marriage because deception is not really compatible with deep intimacy. If having a strong, intimate connection is important to you, then that is something to think about.

On the other hand, telling is not going to be easy and the end result is unpredictable and your H may leave you. None of us here know your H or what type of M you have. We also don't know you. For myself, I would either tell or leave the M because I want a lot of intimacy and closeness in my M and would not be happy with a union with a big deception hanging over it. Only you can decide if you can get over the guilt and be happy in your M, all while keeping this secret. And that is just your side of things. It doesn't address what your H would want if he could choose to know or not know.

What I do know is you should not have to live feeling so guilty and bad, so you need to figure out whether you can shed those feelings while keeping your H in the dark or not.

February 1, 2014

Kirshenbaum is not always consistent and sometimes says spouses should be honest and argues when you think you've done something that you don't want to tell your spouse about - such as having lunch with an ex - that is exactly when you need to tell them. I know her point is that when things get TOO BIG - like you have full out cheated in a way which could end your M, then maybe it is too big to tell while on the smaller things that won't end your M (like a flirtation or a lunch with ex) then you should tell. But the reason she says to tell on those smaller things is so that you have a marriage built on trust. Kind of blows up that argument, just because you did something that so broke the trust, she thinks that argument should just go out the window.

Not saying there could not be any arguments for not telling, but just that Kirshenbaum undercut her whole arguments by advising to be honest on all the smaller betrayals because of the importance of trust. I think Kirshenbaum is mainly interested in selling books and that accounts for the unevenness of her advice - different messages for different markets, depending on whether her market is for those who want a better marriage or those who cheated.

From Kirshenbaum's differing advice one can also conclude that whether you tell or not depends on what kind of marriage you want. If it is enough just to stay married, an ongoing deception may not matter. If you want a very close, intimate marriage built on trust, then ongoing deception is going to work against that. Some people have affairs because of a lack of real intimacy and closeness in their M. In that case, not telling might make them more vulnerable to having future affairs because it certainly isn't going to do much for intimacy and closeness.

Edited February 1, 2014 by woinlove

February 1, 2014

Some people will say that a M cannot succeed if a WS doesnt come clean. But its also true that the M is already over. You cannot go back there any more than you can erase what happened. The only future is a new marriage built on realistic expectations and mutual understanding and participation in the process of discovering each other in a healthy and life affirming approach.

And so your position is that indeed, the marriage - as it existed - is over, but that a new marriage can be built on a foundation of mutual understanding and participation. A nice image, but you propose, after this wholesale destruction, that this Phoenix-like rebirth can come about unilaterally, initiated, motivated, and moved along by the WS, without the informed consent or informed participation of the BS?

That's a "new marriage" built on trust, mutual understanding and participation? Kinda, sorta sounds like the old one, doesn't it?

February 1, 2014

The difference is this, and I will use my experience because Im not just interested in theories.

When I said I DO to my wife, I meant it. I believed, and all of our friends believed, that infidelity was not an option for her, because of the kind of person she is. I never believed it would be possible. Not me, affairs happen to other people.

On Dday, even when she CONFESSED she was seeing someone else I couldnt believe I heard what I had heard. THAT BLIND TRUST (what some of the literature say is the Happily Ever After syndrome) was destructive to our marriage in the long run. Relying on our belief in monogamy AGAINST all the evidence around us allows us to become lazy either in our job keeping our marriages strong, or in seeing the signs of infidelity when they are screaming at us. I don't think I am saying anything unusual or new here.

The kind of marriage that needs to be developed after discovery includes boundary defining, affair proofing, a type of interaction and communication etc. that WE BELIEVED we didn't need because we never imagined a partner could or would stray. End of the naivete and time to build a marriage based on reality rather than Disney films. So this new marriage looks NOTHING like the old blind trust that obviously didnt work out for us in the long run, did it.

So how exactly do you get out of your "blind trust" mode when your WS continues to make you think they have been faithful throughout the M? I don't see the WS saying "I've never had an affair, never been unfaithful, but you shouldn't trust me completely on that front anyway because you just never know, I might be lying to you" as working and helping build a "new marriage".

Any attempt to suggest the BS should not trust you is likely to be met with questions as to why that is. Unless the WS is a masterful actor and liar, the lies are likely to trip them up and lead to the BS feeling something is off and not right, without knowing what it is. That sounds kind of crazy-making and not a good way to build a new marriage.

I think if the WS decides to not come clean, any "new marriage" is pretty one-sided and from the BS perspective, as far as they know, they are in the same M they have always been in. If the two spouses are not too close, this could work for them. However, if the WS was looking for more closeness and intimacy in having an A, they are likely going to be in trouble down the road, by choosing to keep the separateness from the BS that is necessary to keep then from the knowing the truth. And, of course, they are taking the risk that the BS may one day discover the truth through some other means.

February 1, 2014

It is not only the BS, but the WS who lived under the imagined ideal that marriage means Total Trust. The WS now sees that this was not possible. The BS, in your case, has blind trust but an obviously unsatisfying marriage. Even if the BS thinks he/she is more or less happy in the marriage, the other does not. The other is not having his/her needs met. When the person who is living in a marriage feels that things are not going to progress, unless something gives, and finds themselves in the arms of an AP, well this person has woken up. If they focus on a form of marital communication that ensures their needs are getting met, and the BS is agreed, surely the BS is going to also gain from this experience. The marriage is now focussed on the positives. The couple are back experiencing the kind of love they both know they were capable of and needed. The marriage is revitalised. If the BS never comes to grip, after this excercise, that a MARRIAGE NEEDS TO BE WORKED ON, THAT HIS/HER HAPPINESS IS NOT DEPENDENT OF MUTUAL HARD WORK, then what can we say?

Look. If I am not meeting my wife's needs. She has a hidden affair. She returns to the matrimonial space and we discuss how to meet needs, together (pulling me out of my complacency that this marriage I have been in is "good enough" when it could be much better). If after all this, all you care about is the concept of Blind Trust, you are missing the point. The marriage is better than it ever was, the Blindly loving BS is aware now that he has to work on a daily basis at keeping his marriage IN TOP FORM. Who cares if he never puts 2 and 2 together that his original complacency that a marriage just rolls along on the monogamous myth is just that a myth. He is surely AWARE now that things are better. A good couple might even reflect on this, and in doing so, blind trust receeds as a notion in the minds of both.

You have a different view of marriage than I do. If my needs are not being met, I don't lie about it and have a secret affair, instead I talk to my spouse. We communicate in our marriage. To me, the very foundation of a successful marriage is communication, open and honest communication, continually. Lies and deception would undermine what I consider the bedrock of our marriage.

You wouldn't want to be married to me and I wouldn't want to be married to you, because to me a "new marriage" built on deception is not the kind of open, honest, trusting M that I want and to you the kind of honesty and openness I want is not something you want. So we are back to my point again that the OP, and anyone else considering telling or not, has to think about what kind of marriage they want.

February 1, 2014

So I think you're saying if the WS "returns to committing to the M and inside ONLY them self to begin a "new marriage" working With the unknowingly deceived and created on spouse, that a "knew marriage" and better M will result. It Will be a M of open and honest communication(except for this one little thing ie;A).

Okay, I get that way of thinking.

However, I ENCOURAGE you to read some threads where the BS finds out their spouse had sex with another Years later and what happened when they found out. *

February 1, 2014

Where did i say that if your needs are not being met you SHOULD have an affair?

Huh? Where did I say you said that? You drew a connection between needs not being met and an affair and I said not having my needs met is dealt with by more communication not an affair. That is me. I put a lot of emphasis on open, honest communication in a marriage. My choice. My priority.

I'd want to know because, to me, deception is at odds with the kind of intimate, close marriage with open communication that I want. I'll leave it at that, because as I said, the OP can decide for herself what can of M she wants and what role being open and honest versus keeping the secret plays in it. I've already pointed out that this is only one ingredient. There are lots of other aspects, including what her H would want, what is necessary for her to get rid of the guilt, whether her H may find out through another source in the future,..

February 1, 2014

It will go better for you if you confess, should he find out on his own it may be a deal breaker. He may already know or suspect that you have been unfaithful, he knows you have changed. No matter when he finds out the effect will be the same. Trust me on this that as a betrayed spouse hearing a confession will be more believable than exposure when you try to get him to believe you chose him and the marriage over the other man. Being selfish got you into this mess, being selfish will not save your marriage, time to break the mould.

You can not control other people, other man may decide to tell his wife and she in turn tell your husband, you can not trust that he will keep this a secret for the rest of his life. He may have a history of infidelity and he may get caught by his wife in a future infidelity and in an attempt to save his marriage confess everything to her. You know that you lied and cheated, the secret will eventually wear you down and the longer you keep the secret from him the less believable you will be. I am just writing you as a betrayed man that had a spouse that didn't confess, she is now out of my life permanently. Be honest, that is part of what you originally promised him.

Edited February 1, 2014 by aliveagain

February 1, 2014

Hello all,

I really need support.

It's been five months nc after a year (or so) affair with an ex-co worker. It was basically fwb only having actual sex once but several other hook ups. Basically, when we both felt the crazy connection between us, we freaked and mutually decided nc. ( well, he began it, but I never tried to end it because I knew it needed to be over) It was hard at first, but because we never said ily and tried to keep the emotions under control throughout the affair, I will say that I'm now completely out of the fog. This was my first affair btw.

Now I'm dealing with horrible horrible guilt for what I have done . I have an SO who I've been with for 12 years and I also have a child with him. He does not know about what I have done and I struggle with that everyday. I have not told him out of fear for the pain I will cause, and because of my daughter. I also feel horrible for what I did to mm's wife. I don't know how I let myself do that to another woman.

I know that most people in here won't have sympathy for me, and that my guilt is too late and I should have thought of all of this before. But to be honest, I didn't think at all about anything before except my selfish desire for sex and to be desired by a man (again). It's horrible, but it's the truth. The fact that I could be like that scared me and I have been in IC for a year now working on myself to figure out how I could commit such betrayal.

So my question is, how do other people deal with guilt? Sometimes for me it can be debilitating. It kills me to think that I will have to live with what I have done for the rest of my life.

Also, I tend to torture myself by reading posts by the bs on the infidelity forum. It makes me sick to see how infidelity hurts people, and that I have played a part in something that could change people's lives in such a horrible way. I wish that I knew the tragic, horrible pain that infidelity really caused. I didn't know at all. I knew it was wrong, but the stories that I have read by the bs's and their comments to WS's are filled with so much more pain than I ever thought possible. I can't stop reading them, I almost feel like the guilt I feel from reading them is a punishment that I deserve. Does anyone else do this?

Thanks so much for listening and letting me vent. I feel so alone with these feelings.

Lastly, I know that many of you feel like I should tell my SO, and I promise you, I think about this everyday. I will admit that I am a complete coward when it comes to this. I don't know if I could handle the pain it will cause on so many innocent people, especially my daughter. Once again, selfish, I know.

Having read all the other threads, it still seems clear to me that you have quite a dilemma to overcome.

The problems I see are these:

By not informing your significant other, you lay yourself open to future indiscretions. I know that you will probably refute that and adamantly state that you won't ever get involved with a man who is not your other half again, BUT........if you have not successfully concluded the reasons why you allowed yourself to become involved with a man who is not your partner, and developed appropriate boundaries in therapy, it is possible that when it all goes 'tits up' as the adage goes, you might well be tempted to stick your fingers up to the hard work of digging around for appropriate solutions. This is not written in stone of course, and the opposite might be just as valid.

There is also the problem of your partner finding out on his own, no matter what the time frame, and frankly, having been privy to such scenario's it matters not whether it is six months from now or 20 years. The effect will be the same on your other half. He will still suffer the same amount of shock, disbelief and trauma.

I have heard many say that telling their betrayed spouse/partner started as an act of unburdening themselves from the guilt and hypocricy of the secrecy, but in fact discovered it was more beneficial in the long run than the investigation and subsequent discovery by their partner.

Ultimately of course, the decision about informing him of what you have done is always a choice only you can make, no matter what advice has generously been offered to you hear, and to that end I wish you an eventual peaceful nights sleep when you come to the decision that is right for ALL of you.

February 3, 2014

OP, you'll get a myriad of viewpoints here on LS.

My personal recommendation would be to be careful about which you choose. Some are very attractive, because they seem so very much easier than other paths.

The "easy" path is rarely the right solution, in my experience.

When you WORK for something, you invest in it, you maintain it.

The whole discussion about rebuilding a marriage/relationship that's 'theoretically' built on a new level of trust and communication....all the while layered on the deception that both parties were faithful during the 'previous' marriage/relationship...is not only morally reprehensible, but fundamentally flawed.

Building a "new" relationship off the shattered foundations of the old one...and now mortared in the base lie by ommission...simply sets the stage for the same deceptions, the same bad relationship skills to be carried over into the 'new' relationship.

Flawed thinking, IMHO.

But...choose the path and the advice you think will work for you. Just choose carefully...the choices you make today determine who you are in the future.

Thought I'd add...I have no idea how you 'forgive yourself' when you've never given the person you betrayed the chance to forgive you themselves. The first step is ending the bad behavior, and fixing the situation which set the stage for it...in this case, lies and lack of honest communication.

Edited February 3, 2014 by Owl

February 3, 2014

What has your counselor advised you to do? Has s/he told you to tell the truth to your SO or leave it as it is? I think you should let this go.

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I know this not a original post but Im drowning with guilt!!!!!

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