emotionlessbutalive Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Are you able to love your spouse again? I ended my A to work on my marriage. Had kids. Spouse is loving trusting and caring. Who never found out about A. Still I am not able to love him. I care about him and do everything a good wife does. But haven't been a single day where I don't think about other man. Its been an year since I last spoke to MM and he still lives in my memories. Some good some bad. Some days are worst than others. How do I move on in true sense? I am absolutely NC with blocking everything that reminds me if him. Looks like I will never fall in love again. My unsuspecting husband is a dedicated family man and I want to forget my past. Help please! I feel helpless and his thoughts just stay in my mind 23 hours a day. This is crazy... I go in waves. Highs and lows. Feel angry at him at one moment and than remember nice memories of A. I wish I can end this completly. It was painful to be with him and its painful now. Dont know anymore what is better. 1
Mycatsnuggles Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) is very useful for changing negative thoughts. Google it there's hundreds of books and techniques for controlling your thoughts. Envision a STOP sign each time you recognize having the thoughts. Create a mental picture of it detailing all aspects including the surroundings. It removes your thoughts from the negative behavior ( thinking of mm). Create a mental box or memory keeper envision wrapping your thoughts up and throwing them in the ocean. Releasing them from you. Many more. Good wishes to you. You've built a life with a good man don't discard it. 2
Scott Thomas Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You've built a life with a good man don't discard it. Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your post but how about 'You've managed to fool a good man, really stupid to tell him that you don't love him so that he finds your replacement. The best way to 'forget' him is to replace those memories with new ones; spend more time with your spouse and family, go on vacations, do things together, hang out with friends, and start counselling. 1
Aspasia33 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You cant forse who you love romantically or try and swap it to someone else, no therapy will also help you do that. I am married, but the romantic sexual side of my marriage disappeared a long time before MM arrived(probably why i had the affair?) I love my husband very much, but more as a family member, not a romantic partner. he is also a good man, who I have tried to feel some sort of sexual connection with, but its not there. I personally think NC doesn't really work..it tends to make the affair more intense in your memory. If you dont want to leave your husband, and he seems happy with the relationship as it is(he may not be actually missing anything?) then perhaps look at the situation that it will just take some time to get MM out of your mind. Any relationship that ends abruptly unresolved takes time to fade... I think you do love your husband, you just dont recognise it as its not the passionate type of love you had in the affair. There is a very good book, called "mating In captivity" that explains why passionate love cannot be sustained permanently in a marriage. Stop beating yourself up, let the thoughts of MM come and go, give it time, and if it doesn't change, maybe look at either going to marriage counseling, or realise that maybe your husband isnt the one for you. Good luck Are you able to love your spouse again? I ended my A to work on my marriage. Had kids. Spouse is loving trusting and caring. Who never found out about A. Still I am not able to love him. I care about him and do everything a good wife does. But haven't been a single day where I don't think about other man. Its been an year since I last spoke to MM and he still lives in my memories. Some good some bad. Some days are worst than others. How do I move on in true sense? I am absolutely NC with blocking everything that reminds me if him. Looks like I will never fall in love again. My unsuspecting husband is a dedicated family man and I want to forget my past. Help please! I feel helpless and his thoughts just stay in my mind 23 hours a day. This is crazy... I go in waves. Highs and lows. Feel angry at him at one moment and than remember nice memories of A. I wish I can end this completly. It was painful to be with him and its painful now. Dont know anymore what is better. 2
woinlove Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) Are you in counselling? If not, perhaps it would help to understand yourself better and what is important to you. I am in an open M and have had a few romantic relationships with others during my M. When it started to affect my feelings for my H, I pulled back and focussed on my H because that has always been my priority. Since everything was out in the open, my H helped by listening while I sorted out my feelings and also by taking extra care to pull us closer together. Your H can't help with your internal turmoil that he doesn't know about. And the ongoing dishonesty might also affect your feelings for him, depending on what is important to you. I think if I were to deceive my H, I'd either have to come clean or leave the M, because openness and honesty are the bedrock of intimacy and I like a lot of intimacy. I couldn't really love a man that I could not be honest and open with and I want a strong romantic attachment in my M. Maybe it is the same with you? Edited January 14, 2014 by woinlove 1
Scott Thomas Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) You cant forse who you love romantically or try and swap it to someone else, no therapy will also help you do that. I am married, but the romantic sexual side of my marriage disappeared a long time before MM arrived(probably why i had the affair?) I love my husband very much, but more as a family member, not a romantic partner. he is also a good man, who I have tried to feel some sort of sexual connection with, but its not there. I personally think NC doesn't really work..it tends to make the affair more intense in your memory. If you dont want to leave your husband, and he seems happy with the relationship as it is(he may not be actually missing anything?) then perhaps look at the situation that it will just take some time to get MM out of your mind. Any relationship that ends abruptly unresolved takes time to fade... I think you do love your husband, you just dont recognise it as its not the passionate type of love you had in the affair. There is a very good book, called "mating In captivity" that explains why passionate love cannot be sustained permanently in a marriage. Stop beating yourself up, let the thoughts of MM come and go, give it time, and if it doesn't change, maybe look at either going to marriage counseling, or realise that maybe your husband isnt the one for you. Good luck NC does work, they're are hundreds of posters here who found it worthwhile. If you don't find your husband attractive then tell him the truth and end the marriage. This way, both if you can find people they love. If you don't want to end your marriage then opt for an open marriage. Why not ask your H so that you two can have an open marriage-you get to keep the AP while your husband keeps a mistress. While this isn't considered 'normal', at least you two would be honest with each other. Or are you afraid if losing your husband to a younger woman? If you can have an AP on the side, why isn't he entitled to his own AP. The right of finding happiness extends to both parties! Edited January 14, 2014 by Scott Thomas 2
Author emotionlessbutalive Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Thank you all for your feedback. It does help a lot. I do love my husband but its not romantic. I pretty close to him and told him that. But at the same everything else is just perfect. We hold each other kiss a lot and hug each other all the time. Its just that the romantic love and passion is not there. It was there for a small period of time when we were dating and it never came back. we have talked about open relationship but he did not like that. He knows I dont Like him in bed and is scared to loose me. We go on dates vacation and enjoy each others company. The problem is the Xmm who left me after a painful conflict ed relationship. But I did fall in love with him but after him I just dont fall in love. Looks like he possess me and no matter what I do live with me... I am a positive optimistic person and all men desired me before marriage and now. Its just that noone gets my attention. I just dont want to live allvmy life thinking of xmm. 1
blue963 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 you said that there was passion and romance...at what time and what was different that you felt it then. Something had change between the two of you, what was it? It had to be an event or something in your relationship. Just trying to help you out here because it sounds as though on alot of levels you have a good relationship.
Author emotionlessbutalive Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 you said that there was passion and romance...at what time and what was different that you felt it then. Something had change between the two of you, what was it? It had to be an event or something in your relationship. Just trying to help you out here because it sounds as though on alot of levels you have a good relationship. For me what changed was that he was more of a friend to me. He was ok without physical intimacy for months and when we did it wasnt good. It was a turnoff that he didnt want me abd didnt desire me. All other men were crazy for me and didnt even look at me when I was naked. Even today. There is a hardly any initiation for sex and when it happens its extremely boring. We both use our hands to do it.
Aspasia33 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 This is the same as my husband, he rejected me sexually for years, and when i brought up having an open relationship, he went nuts. So things are not always as black and white as some of the posters here seem so hell bent on trying to make it. my husbands lifes and mine are massively entwined with business fiances and various other things and he has threatened suicide if I leave. so its not always so simple...especially when you deeply love and care for that person. Just because you are not sexually or romantically in love does not mean that you do not care deeply for that person, or feel responsible for them. And perhaps leaving that person will totally tip them over the edge. Life is not black and white, people who love there spouses have affairs for many reasons, the simplistic judgmental answers of some posters do not help answer the questions posted. And As this IS the OW/ OM forum, specifically set up to give "support?" to people finding themselves in an affair, how about we drop the bitter judgments and deal with what the original thread asks? As I see it, Emotionless is making the best of a bad situation, and beating herself up over it, her husband isn't interested in sex, which is also in one of the marriage vows, he seems happy with things the way they are, any man with a bit of sense would realize that eventually a passionate young wife will look elsewhere? its probably only a matter of time before someone else sweeps her off her feet, and if it does happen, then the fault is with her non sexual husband. husband. Any spouse that thinks its fine to withhold sex in a marriage t is asking for problems. For me what changed was that he was more of a friend to me. He was ok without physical intimacy for months and when we did it wasnt good. It was a turnoff that he didnt want me abd didnt desire me. All other men were crazy for me and didnt even look at me when I was naked. Even today. There is a hardly any initiation for sex and when it happens its extremely boring. We both use our hands to do it. 1
Aspasia33 Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Sc, what makes you think i havnt told my husband I am not attracted to him, or mentioned an open relationship? What makes you think he wants to end the marraige? And if this is directed at me, i am 15 years younger than my husband, in much better shape physically, run both our companies and get hit on all the time, so the "fear" of me loosing him to a younger woman is laughable:0 My MM is actually 5 years younger than me, and a very good looking man. The bolded below has been brought up by me and discounted by hubby, so maybe you should think before you post ST. Also some people (and not always the WS, dont want honesty, very often the BS) NC does work, they're are hundreds of posters here who found it worthwhile. If you don't find your husband attractive then tell him the truth and end the marriage. This way, both if you can find people they love. If you don't want to end your marriage then opt for an open marriage. Why not ask your H so that you two can have an open marriage-you get to keep the AP while your husband keeps a mistress. While this isn't considered 'normal', at least you two would be honest with each other. Or are you afraid if losing your husband to a younger woman? If you can have an AP on the side, why isn't he entitled to his own AP. The right of finding happiness extends to both parties! 1
Author emotionlessbutalive Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Thanks for giving better words to my problem. This is exactly how my relationship is. He seems to ignore everything I have to say about sex and doesn't even think we have an issue. Infact he tells me I should do more efforts to look attractive to him. However, all other guys dont get tired of telling me how hot I am. Its not attractive to me that my spouse doesn't even look at me when I come out if shower. And we are compatible in every other way. When I met this xmm he swept me over my feet and I fell in love with him since there was a huge gap, not because I was looking to have an A or cheat. I am a successful woman in career, 9 out of 10 in looks and still never had a normal sex life where the man of life cant get enough of me. I have never met a man who didnt make a pass at me. My spouse is like an ostrich who hides his head in the sand and run away from the problem and when I will meet someone else I will be the one to be blamed. My xmm was a player but what he gave me was attention and he wanted me like a man wants a woman. Despite of all my requests of sexual intimacy, open relationship I am ignored. And him finding a younger woman, well I would like that and I encourage it. Younger women will have even more requirements . And may be will make him more libido person. I an not scared of loosing him since I am staying for very less and its him you is happy with this relationship, not me.
woinlove Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You have the power to be happy but if first requires understanding yourself and what you need to be truly happy. If you are not happy in your M then the missing parts must be important to you, despite the two of you being compatible in many ways. Don't settle for an unhappy M, either figure out how to make it a happy M or leave it. As one poster said, honesty is not important to everyone, but if intimacy is important to you, I don't think you can find it without honesty. A few are happy living in an M lacking intimacy, but most aren't. If you aren't, you can change that and counselling could help.
bestplayer Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 Thanks for giving better words to my problem. This is exactly how my relationship is. He seems to ignore everything I have to say about sex and doesn't even think we have an issue. Infact he tells me I should do more efforts to look attractive to him. However, all other guys dont get tired of telling me how hot I am. Its not attractive to me that my spouse doesn't even look at me when I come out if shower. And we are compatible in every other way. When I met this xmm he swept me over my feet and I fell in love with him since there was a huge gap, not because I was looking to have an A or cheat. I am a successful woman in career, 9 out of 10 in looks and still never had a normal sex life where the man of life cant get enough of me. I have never met a man who didnt make a pass at me. My spouse is like an ostrich who hides his head in the sand and run away from the problem and when I will meet someone else I will be the one to be blamed. My xmm was a player but what he gave me was attention and he wanted me like a man wants a woman. Despite of all my requests of sexual intimacy, open relationship I am ignored. And him finding a younger woman, well I would like that and I encourage it. Younger women will have even more requirements . And may be will make him more libido person. I an not scared of loosing him since I am staying for very less and its him you is happy with this relationship, not me. Just one question , didn't you say that you were willing to dump your H if your MM wanted to be with you ? That really says it all how much devoted you are to your M .
Aspasia33 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 How about her husband '" managed to fool a good woman, by pretending initially he was interested in sex and having a passionate marriage ,and he thinks now that is would be really stupid to tell her that sex and passion doesn't matter to him , because he is frightened that she finds his replacement.?"??????? She is doing all the things you have said, she doesnt need meories, she needs passion. She wants her husband to desire her....there are enough men on LS talking about the damage this does to their self esteem when their wives do it, why should it do less damage to a woman? Maybe her husband should go to counseling,to look at what is his problem? Belive me, Ive been where emotionless is, its not fun. You constantly wonder what is wrong with you. Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your post but how about 'You've managed to fool a good man, really stupid to tell him that you don't love him so that he finds your replacement. The best way to 'forget' him is to replace those memories with new ones; spend more time with your spouse and family, go on vacations, do things together, hang out with friends, and start counselling.
Recommended Posts