Is this a deal breaker?

[Aunt Fairy]

I'll try keep this as short as possible.

 

So Ive been dating this guy for the past 6 weeks and everything has been great, hes been the one calling me and asking to hang out and go on dates. Ive met afew of his friends and his sister already who he introduces me as his girl, so heres the problem... Last night he told me his ex girlfriend who he broke up with 6months ago is pregnant. He said he doesnt want this to come between us and swore he doesnt want her back and that he wanted to tell me before we made our relationship official, he said he wanted to tell me sooner and tryed to tell me so many times but was afraid it would put me off him and thats the last thing he wanted to do.

 

 

I feel angry and hurt and abit jealous if Im totally honest, I really like this guy and feel so comfortable and relaxed around him, he makes me laugh and feel safe and I think Im starting to fall for him already...

I still need to sit down and get all the details off him and what he intends to do but I just told him last night that i needid space to process this bombshell!

 

 

He made it clear he doesnt want her back and that he wants to be with me, i want to be with him and think we would have a strong relationship as what we have right now seems pretty special but Im worried i will end up getting really hurt when the baby arrives and changes everything...

 

 

Am I justified in feeling this way..?

What should I do and where should I take this from here?

Im going to speak to him in afew hours and see what he has to say

[nescafe1982]

You're absolutely justified to feel however you do about this situation... it's a doozie!

 

I would also want time to process this situation. I guess if there's info you need to know about this thing, it's about his role in his child's life: to what extent has he planned to be a part of the child's life? How far along is the ex? Will he provide fiscal support? How involved is he going to be?

 

I would be seeking answers to these questions... and then taking some time on my own to figure out if I could really, truly be okay with having this be a part of my daily life. Dating a father is a lot different than dating the average guy. And not everyone can do it. Heck, at six weeks in, I'm not sure I would stay myself. Because when things change after the birth (and they will, there's no doubt about it and no way to predict how), I don't know that I would be ready for it.

Edited January 14, 2014 by nescafe1982

[ExpatInItaly]

At this point in the relationship, I would wish him well and a safe delivery of the baby. And I'd move on. While I love children and hope for my own someday, I am personally not prepared to have child in my life right now. The baby will of course occupy much of his time and attention, and with this comes his lifelong connection with his ex, too. This is likely to cause a big strain on the relationship, especially since it's so new. I would step out and allow him the time and space he will need to adjust to his new life as a father.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, this is a really tough one. He should have told you sooner; it's not fair to leave it until you are both getting involved like this.

 

How did the relationship with the ex end? How long ago did it end? Was it by mutual agreement or did one leave the other. If she left him, then quite frankly I'd be very wary of taking it further with him. Not only did he not choose to end the relationship but he will have a baby with her soon and babies can be very compelling and time-consuming.

 

And of course you'd need to know more about what he proposes when the baby is born. How much involvement he thinks he will have, will he be paying child support, etc.

 

Even if he's genuine that you are the one he wants, a baby is a big deal. It is likely to take up his time and energy. If the ex allows him much involvement, he will want to spend time with the baby. Would you want to spend time with his baby if it came to it? These are all things you'd need to think about. The big question as I see it though is where did he leave things with the ex and is it likely they might get back together. Babies are hard work and one would really feel the need for a supportive partner.

[Aunt Fairy]

Thank you Nescafe!

Those are the exact questions I need to sit down and ask him and I will be doing that later on today.

I feel like the rug has just been pulled out from under me when I finally thought I had met a great guy, and to be honest in every other way he has been great and I cant help feeling that if I walk away right now that I will be missing out on what I think could be something really good. I purposly sat back and let him do all the chasing right up to now and he has made a huge effort for me & made me feel special & spoilt but not in a cheesy or player type of way!

He said it was a mistake and never meant to happen and that he feels nothing for her at all and only found out about the baby after they had broken up. As far as I know they arent in regular contact but I will obviously be double checking all that along with everything else..

 

Should I be angry with him for not telling me sooner, I feel he had plenty of oppertunities to tell me but when I said this to him he replyed with, "its not and easy thing to tell someone you really like and dont want to mess things up with"

 

I really need answers from him, Im starting to overthink!

[veggirl]

How far along is she? I mean they broke up 6 mos ago...were they sleeping together after that?

 

This whole thing would be a dealbreaker. They are not that far out of a break up and now they have a kid on the way. There ARE going to be old feelings coming up.

 

I'm not sure why people are wondering if he will pay child support--I mean if he is planning on dodging that and not seeing the kid is that somehow a good thing? What a mess. 6 weeks? I'd run for the door.

[nescafe1982]

I would like to +1 spiderowl's questions about his relationship with the ex. These things are important to know, too... even though they are going to suck to talk about.

 

I do think he should have told you sooner. He likely surmised (correctly) that you would be less likely to consider staying had you known this earlier. It comes off a little manipulative, IMO.

 

Most important for you to consider: if you do get serious with this guy, like get married and all that... how will you feel when you want to start having children, and he may or may not be open to it? It's important to take note of whether you can become okay with the ways that his having another child will limit your long-term potential options. Even money: are you ready to accept that your own family size might be limited by what is financially possible for him to provide?

 

I feel for your situation... it sounds like a tough one. But consider all angles before jumping in here.

[nescafe1982]

 

I'm not sure why people are wondering if he will pay child support--I mean if he is planning on dodging that and not seeing the kid is that somehow a good thing?.

 

To clarify, this is not what i meant when I asked that question. I think it needs discussing, because his fiscal obligations to his other family will limit what he can provide OP and any potential children they have.

 

It's also worth asking because if the guy doesn't have a plan in place at this point, that would clearly demonstrate that he's probably not the kind of guy OP should invest more time on.

[Aunt Fairy]

Ok so we talked and I got the full story, short version is they were seeing eachother and she told him she was on the pill but turns out she wasnt and obviously she endid up pregnant! He was angry she lied and blah blah but basically he decided to do the right thing and stick by her.

So the forms arrived to fill out for the first hospital appointment and they both filled out their parts and apparently within days of him filling out the paper work she started to change & told him he wouldnt be allowed see the child or have any part in its life! So that was that.

 

He is obviously not sure if the baby is his now and told her parents that he will want a DNA test when the baby arrives in March but shes still adament that he wont be seeing the child and she has been with a different guy for the last few months.

 

He was almost crying telling me this amd saying how sorry he was for not telling me sooner but he was afraid that one mistake would come in between us and he didnt want to ruin what we had & then the closer we got the harder it was for him to tell me and risk ruining everything. He assured me several times that he doesnt like the girl at all and almost hates her for what she has done and how she played him but until he gets the dna she is still potentially the mother of his child. He isnt in contact with her at all at the moment and begged me to take time and think about everything before throwing what we have away...

[Yookie]

I'd leave him just for the mere fact that he intentionally kept that information from me. Something like that is way to important. What other things will he neglect to to tell in the future?

[D-Lish]

If you like the guy, ride it out, roll with the punches.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok so we talked and I got the full story, short version is they were seeing eachother and she told him she was on the pill but turns out she wasnt and obviously she endid up pregnant! He was angry she lied and blah blah but basically he decided to do the right thing and stick by her.

So the forms arrived to fill out for the first hospital appointment and they both filled out their parts and apparently within days of him filling out the paper work she started to change & told him he wouldnt be allowed see the child or have any part in its life! So that was that.

 

He is obviously not sure if the baby is his now and told her parents that he will want a DNA test when the baby arrives in March but shes still adament that he wont be seeing the child and she has been with a different guy for the last few months.

 

He was almost crying telling me this amd saying how sorry he was for not telling me sooner but he was afraid that one mistake would come in between us and he didnt want to ruin what we had & then the closer we got the harder it was for him to tell me and risk ruining everything. He assured me several times that he doesnt like the girl at all and almost hates her for what she has done and how she played him but until he gets the dna she is still potentially the mother of his child. He isnt in contact with her at all at the moment and begged me to take time and think about everything before throwing what we have away...

 

This is going to be one heck of a lot of drama for you. Are you prepared to commit to that, with someone you've only dated for 6 weeks? I really don't think the issue is whether he still likes her - not at all, in fact. The real issues are: 1) he withheld this information from you, and 2) there is a child coming into his life and this will indeed change everything. He doesn't appear to understand the gravity of the second point, based on your description.

 

I would be leery about trusting him now, to be honest. That is a huge detail to have avoided telling someone. I'm not trying to paint him as a liar, but there are two sides to every story. He hasn't been honest with you about his side until now. Think about the very carefully before proceeding.

[Aunt Fairy]

So I decided to stick it out with this guy as I was already developing feelings for him at the time of originally writing this post.

For the past 5 months while waiting for this child to arrive things have been pretty good overall, theres been times its been tough as hes a deep thinker and would sometimes shut himself off saying he needed time to think ( about the baby & if hed get to see her etc.) hes had no contact with his ex since well before we even got together as she told him she wouldnt allow him to see his child when they broke up!

 

So on January 27th he asked if we could make our relationship official, I was thrilled & with time came the "I love yous" and I genuinely believed him, he was hurt and messed around in past relationships and said he didnt fall in love easily so this was a big deal for him, he would mention setteling down & growing old together. I never felt more in love with someone, I was content with him in a way I never was with any other boyfriend. However it was always in the back of my mind what would happen when his child was born & anytime I tryed to talk about it with him he would get frustrated and just say he "couldn't give me answers when he didnt know himself what was going to happen" this was frustrating but I could see I was only causing rows by trying to push the issue..

 

May 9th - I see through Facebook she's had the baby! She blocked him when they broke up so he had no way of finding out, I rang him and told him and I truly felt awful, he shouldnt of had to find out like that!! He left it afew days and tryed texting her, he got no reply, I asked afew times if he still wanted to be a part of his daughters life & what he was going to do about it etc, sometimes he would say he didnt know what to do & maybe its for the best if he just lets her find him when shes older.. I could see it was eating away at him & he was shutting himself off more & more, he was in horrible moods most of the time & all too often I would get the brunt of them!! I felt I was being pushed away and it felt awful but he assured me he still loved me but just needid time and space to sort all this and once he got to see his daughter he would go back to being himself, we never officially broke up but all this stress on top of him working from 8am until 9/10/11 pm often mounted to some heated arguments where I felt I was just being dragged along & would tell him he had changed & I deserved better & all too often he would say how sorry he was for putting me through all this & agree with me that I deserved better. Something kept telling me to wait it out, that he said he would go back to being himself once he got to see his child like he kept telling me.. I always encouraged him to see her and be involved as I felt he would regret it later on if he didnt! So eventually he contacted her father and after afew weeks of them "thinking about it" he finally got to see her yesterday (on Fathers Day) for the first time..

 

I hardly got to speak to him the day before (he was working late as usual) only to tell me he was finally getting to see her the following day, I was thrilled for him and told him so, and wished everything went well. We had made plans for that day to go see a movie as hed been promising me all week to spend time with me & it was his only day off, however I obviously never mentioned this after finding out he was getting to see her! I asked him to call me later on before bed & he said he would..

He never rang, i texted him the next morning asking him to please call me before he went to see her that evening. He never called or even texted back.. I called over to his place last night and his sister was there, he wasnt back from seeing the child yet and she told me that he had asked her to go shopping with him that morning to pick up cuddly toys to bring her. I was alittle annoyed that he didnt ask me to go with him after it had been me supporting him and encouraging him to go see her all along!! I didnt let his sister know I was upset by this.

 

He finally arrived home and he was like a child on Christmas morning, the huge smile on him face was infectious as he struggled to get the words out how cute & perfect she was. He showed us pictures and said hed had a good talk with his ex, his name was not put on the birth cert & obviously the child would have the Mothers Surname, he seemed fine with all this. I said very little only to smile and say how gorgeous she was and how happy I was for him.

Then my heart sank when he told his Sister that all his family was allowed to go and see her next week, thats when it dawned on me that I was very much an outsider in all this and that in fact was how it was going to be (despite him saying early on that he wanted me to be involved with his child and joking that it would be good practice for me for when we have our own family!)

 

Once we were in bed (it was the only chance we got privacy as his sister stayed over) I once again told him how perfect she was and how happy I was for him and then asked if I would ever get to see her? He said yes but not for a good while, probably afew months before he would be allowed or feel confident to take her on his own and for the foreseeable future he would just be visiting her at his ex's house and she lives with her parents so it might cause rows! I asked if she knew he was in a relationship and he said she did. I asked what would happen if she wanted him back to try play happy families and he assured me he had no interest in her & that nothing would ever happen between them as it would only complicate things.

I told him it wasnt easy on me not being allowed to be involved on such a huge part of his life, he said he knew but that he couldnt do anything about it! I said I trusted him but asked if we could put on Facbook that we were in a relationship, as it would show me some commitment and give me reassurance (I asked him this before) he got a little mad at this point and said he already told me he hated all that crap and didnt like people knowing his business! I tryed to explain that it would mean alot to me and that if he loved me like he said then it shouldnt be a big deal to acknowledge our relationship & show me a little commitment given the circumstances and situation we were in. He snapped at me saying he was in too good of a mood to care about any of this crap right now, I said I was sorry & wasnt looking for a row but asked him to please see it from my side and he reluctantly said he would think about it but I know he wont!

 

I left for work this morning asking if he would still be coming to my Birthday dinner with all my family next month as it has to be pre booked and he said of course hed be there. Truth is the way things are right now and have been the past few weeks I dont know if we will still be together next week never mind next month!! He drove off saying he loved me and all I could answer was that it didnt feel like it..

 

Im sorry thats so long I guess I just had to vent but I really dont know where to go from here.. I love this guy so much and would love to start a family of our own one day but right now I just feel like hes not that bothered with me & Im the only one trying! I feel if I fell off the planet he would hardly even notice

 

Will this get better once he gets over the initial excitement of all this? Will i ever get the old him back who showed me that he cared and made me feel loved amd wanted..?

[mangetout]

OP the initial excitement will never die away. Having kids is like an obsession.

[mangetout]

But having said that he may be in shock initially and will eventually calm down.But this could take months and months.

[Omei]

OP

 

Don't settle for something in life just because it was good once or was, your relationship will change, seems like there will be much ex drama involved yes he will change as he becomes a father hes now ex bound forever with this child now as his priority he will have very much less time for you and as time gos on other things will come to your attention.

 

You've only been dating for six weeks I feel like you're settling instead of finding a better match.

[Aunt Fairy]

I genuinely am happy for him and watching him flick through those pictures on his phone all night with a big silly proud grin on his face only made me long for that to one day be our child. Am I justified in feeling like this..? Like he will no longer have time for us as he made it pretty clear that I wont be "allowed" to see the child for several months at least!

 

Im not trying to sound or be selfish, Im not asking him to chose between me & his daughter, I just wish I was allowed to be involved in such a huge part of his life afterall it was me who encouraged him to fight to see her!

 

Is it too much to ask for him to show me a small bit of commitment by putting our relationship on facebook? I know this might sound stupid but it would mean alot to me and show that he is actually committed & serious about us. Were seeing eachother 6 months and have been "official" for 5 of those so its not like were only together afew weeks! We have spoke of a future and a family of our own so why is this such a big no no for him?

 

Am i justified to be feeling like this? I dont think its too much to ask...

[Aunt Fairy]

OP

 

Don't settle for something in life just because it was good once or was, your relationship will change, seems like there will be much ex drama involved yes he will change as he becomes a father hes now ex bound forever with this child now as his priority he will have very much less time for you and as time gos on other things will come to your attention.

 

You've only been dating for six weeks I feel like you're settling instead of finding a better match.

 

I understand what your saying but we have actually been together nearly 6 months not 6weeks..

[Zahara]

I genuinely am happy for him and watching him flick through those pictures on his phone all night with a big silly proud grin on his face only made me long for that to one day be our child.

 

Understandable. But you have to be able to manage your expectations here. Women tend to "white picket fence" a future but what's important and realistic now is to focus on what's at hand, being that your relationship is still young and unfortunately, somewhat fragile in your eyes. Placing such high expectations in your head when you don't even feel you have a solid commitment isn't rational. This is when you set yourself up for painful disappointments.

 

Am I justified in feeling like this..? Like he will no longer have time for us as he made it pretty clear that I wont be "allowed" to see the child for several months at least!

 

His life is changing. His focus is changing. Your time with him will be disrupted. You have been dating for 6 months. It hasn't been that long. It could be that he may not want you to see the child seeing that he may not be sure about his level of commitment to you.

 

Im not trying to sound or be selfish, Im not asking him to chose between me & his daughter, I just wish I was allowed to be involved in such a huge part of his life afterall it was me who encouraged him to fight to see her!

 

You cannot force him to do this if he doesn't want to. You may have encouraged him but a lesson I have learned -- never do something and expect to be rewarded for your deeds. Chances are you will be disappointed. And if he can't show you appreciation for giving him the support that led him to make that step, what does that tell you?

 

Is it too much to ask for him to show me a small bit of commitment by putting our relationship on facebook? I know this might sound stupid but it would mean alot to me and show that he is actually committed & serious about us. Were seeing eachother 6 months and have been "official" for 5 of those so its not like were only together afew weeks! We have spoke of a future and a family of our own so why is this such a big no no for him?

 

I'm not into the FB relationship status crap. It's BS to me. I have acquaintances on FB that do that and half the time they're unhappy and one of them is cheating. And I don't like that part of my life displayed on a social site. I can understand it if he doesn't like that either. I have a feeling that it's not that it shows you commitment but you want the gf to know that he is in a relationship with you -- you're insecure of what's going on on the other side so you think this will solidify your position in terms of him and the ex?

Edited June 16, 2014 by Zahara

[Aunt Fairy]

No I understand its only a social media site & if something is going to happen between them then regardless of what it says on Fb it will happen.. Funny thing is I believe him when he says hes not interested in her, and she apparently knows hes in a relationship. I have brought this up before the child was even born, yes its because I need reassurance but in this situation is that too much to ask for??

 

I cant help but feel that hes being a little selfish here, well alot tbh!

See hes never been the romantic type or kissy cuddly, if he showed me he loved/cared about me then I probably wouldnt be feeling like this...

[Aunt Fairy]

I just dont know how to broach the subject and explain to him that I need some sort of reassurance without him getting thick and moody and it turning into another fight!

 

Like he says he loves me but he doesnt show it and thats what I need... Actions speak louder than words and all that!

[TXGuy]

This is an absolute dealbreaker. From your post, he has known about this for quite some time and intentionally hid it from you.

 

Even if you put that aside, he is going to have quite a bit on his plate for the next six months to a year. I don't think he is in a very good place to get into a new relationship for a while.

 

Eta: never mind, I just realized I was responding to the initial posting which was really old.

Edited June 16, 2014 by TXGuy

[Aunt Fairy]

Thanks anyway TXGuy

[TXGuy]

I've read the update and thru to the end.

 

Now I would say you should back off on your demands to publicize your relationship and join him on visits to see the child at the xgf.

 

All of his access to this child depends on the whim of his ex, at least until he legally establishes paternity and an enforcible parenting schedule. He should do nothing to jeopardize the time he is getting now. That means doing none of the things you are asking for. If the ex sees you as a potential substitute mother, she might make visitation difficult.

 

Your new job is to stay out of the way of his relationship with his (maybe) child. I know it is an unpleasant position to be in, but that is what you signed up for in January when you decided to keep dating this guy with baby momma drama.

[Zahara]

No I understand its only a social media site & if something is going to happen between them then regardless of what it says on Fb it will happen.. Funny thing is I believe him when he says hes not interested in her, and she apparently knows hes in a relationship. I have brought this up before the child was even born, yes its because I need reassurance but in this situation is that too much to ask for??

 

I cant help but feel that hes being a little selfish here, well alot tbh!

See hes never been the romantic type or kissy cuddly, if he showed me he loved/cared about me then I probably wouldnt be feeling like this...

 

Honestly, if you are secure in his commitment to you, then I cannot understand your need to publicize on FB.

 

If you don't feel loved and cared for via his actions -- how does publicizing on social media make you feel differently? At the end of the day, what's written on a site doesn't change the fact that he still isn't romantic or kissy cuddly with you -- you will still feel unloved/uncared for. You're depending on a social site to make you feel secure in your relationship when it should be his actions towards you within the relationship that should be making you feel loved and cared for.