Still miss her :-((

[sambo77]

There has been a convoy of pain, sadness, regret, confusion, fear, and longing tailing me since she completely blanked my last attempt to contact her (well over 4 months ago now). At first I couldn't stop looking back at the convoy, cursing it, trying to get rid of it, stamping my feet in anger, wishing it wasn't following ME, trying to evade it by any means.

 

I thought Christmas might be a defining moment. Maybe I'd shed some of that convoy as we moved through the festive period. Maybe she'd see sense and take it all back. Strangely enough though, nothing changed. We eerily moved on through the new year and, sure enough, there they still were - pain, sadness, regret, confusion, fear, and longing.

 

They're still there now. I'm just not looking back at them as much or whining about their presence. But I know they're there if ever I take a sneak peek behind me. I'm starting to wonder if life from here on in is going to be simply about coping with the fact that this convoy is permanently up my ass.

 

Today I had a vivid recollection of a moment I will remember as long as I live. She, one evening, randomly, suddenly, decided we were going to "do it," outside in her garden. It was summer, hot, sticky, nighttime, you could smell freshly cut grass and there was that "summer" feeling in the air. She led me out by the hand, so uninhibited - she was so soft, beautiful, and tender and as we lay on the grass looking up at the stars we felt connected, free, and so happy, for a while I was 15 again...and I knew I didn't want that moment to end...ever. I can still feel her skin, the gentle weight of her body on top of mine, and I can visualise how she slipped out of her dress seductively :-(

 

In a way, that was the gift she gave me. She had this adolescent quality, even at 35, and I couldn't help but get sucked into that. I loved it. It was nice to leave adulthood behind.

 

I cried as that memory came flooding back.

 

I realise I still miss her awfully.

 

I realise I just can't shake that convoy.

 

I realise I will never see her again.

 

And I finally realise what it is that was so precious about her for me...through her I glimpsed childhood, innocence, being carefree...I didn't get much of that as a kid...

[Haydn]

You seem to be able to say the things we all feel friend in a most beautiful way. You will come through this. I hope that your boy had a good xmas and i am glad WE both came through it. Even if we did add some scars for 2013. In my thoughts. Haydn.

[sambo77]

Thanks Haydn. Good to know you're still pressing on along the same pathway buddy. If we're ever both in London then we should go get a few beers sometime...compare notes. Hope you and your daughter also had a good one.