To Be or Not to Be...That is the Question.

[AHeavyHeart]

This is my first thread, after doing alot of reading on this forum.

 

My story:

 

Girlfriend broke up with me after a two year relationship. We had the best first date ever and everything was awesome for the first 8-9 months. However, we learned to push each others buttons during little spouts that turned into larger ones. She is very in-tune with herself, very sensative, and very spiritual. This was her longest relationship, having been the 3 month girl most of her life. She has a life coach. I am very analytical, to the point, and very driven. We are both stubborn, which led to what began to be a roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs. We almost broke up a few times. She gave me a list of things she needed from me in order to feel complete and taken care of/secure in our relationship. I'm the kind of guy who thinks he can fix things himself. I honestly made an effort to work on myself and be less argumentative, listen better...all the typical differences between a man and a woman, in my opinion. However, it wasn't enough and I did too little too late. I always told her that she'd have to be the one to break it up, for I wouldn't have the heart. In addition, I truely wanted it to work out and didn't want to give up. Well, back in October, she told me that she wasn't happy and needed to be alone. After alot of crying, talking about what went wrong, and mutual forgiveness, she told me "if the universe brings us back together, then it was meant to be" and that she would always want me in her life in some way, for she still loves me. We had one last great night together and that was it.

 

During the first couple of months she texts me (from the airport, after work, etc.) making it very difficult for me to move on. Meanwhile, I'm seeing a therapist and working diligently on myself, trying to get to the bottom of my insecurities, feelings of mistrust, etc...just trying to be the best person I can be, in hopes that my issues, the ones that fueled the fire, do not re-surface, making any future relationships difficult. We have a couple of very long conversations over the phone where she notices a major change in my thinking and we go deeper than we ever had during the relationship. I tell her that I want her back and she tells me she still loves me, but can't give me a difinitive answer as to when/if we would get back together. They were very good conversations and more crying ensued, but both of us felt good about it.

 

We end up meeting before Xmas for dinner and again, she notices major improvements in the way I'm thinking and handling the situation. She's impressed, but again, no difinitive answer as to when/if we would get back together. She states again how much she still cares about me and loves me. I tell her that if there is a chance, that I couldn't handle her being with another man and it would be a deal breaker for me, should she decide that she wants me back. In the past, I have been able to "tune out" and walk away from a broken relationship, feeling indifference rather quickly. However, I have never had feelings for someone as much as I have with her, not even with my ex-wife. We agree to meet up after Xmas on NY day. She texts me and we have another phone conversation over the Xmas break, both of us visiting family at the time...good talks and both are feeling good about the process.

 

We have brunch and this time she tells me that she had been thinking about what I said and that she can agree to not have physical contact with anyone else until we meet up again. In addition, she didn't want to hear about anything I may do with someone else, should it happen. If it were to happen, she would like it to be based on frienship and understanding, taking it slow and treating it as a new relationship. We agree to meet up again in February and decide that we need at least 30 days NC to truely be alone to figure ourselves out.

 

My question to you all:

 

Is she really sincere, or am I being put in the "friend zone" that is spoken about so often on the forum?

 

Am I being a fool to think she'll finally come around and tell me that she wants to start a new relationship, based on friendship and understanding?

 

I guess only time can tell...There is obviously more to the story and I'm willing to share...just didn't want to write an essay right off the bat.

 

Thanks.

Edited January 14, 2014 by AHeavyHeart

[AHeavyHeart]

Well, as you said, only time will tell. But I do think that February would be the end of the line for me one way or another. If she doesn't have a definitive answer for you by then, it may be time to move on. Give your heart time to heal and find someone new if she's not willing to try again. It sounds like you've done what you can, and the ball is in her court. Good luck!

 

Thanks, man. I have to think that we have a chance, given that she's willing to meet up next month. She stated she loved me and we kissed goodbye at our last meeting. It'd be pretty messed up for her to just string me along, state that she's not looking for anyone else, and agree to not get together with anyone, if she really didn't have any intention of giving it another try.

 

Or she could come to the conclusion that she doesn't think that I can give her what she needs and we go our separate ways.

 

I have no choice but to trust in her, myself, and this process. If she truely is playing the field and just buying time until someone better comes along, then that would be very unfortunate, for instead of feeling indifference, I would actually despise her.

 

I believe that she's not capable of doing something like that to me, or anyone else for that matter.

 

I told her to "just tell me there isn't a chance and I'll be out of your life once and for all", but she said she couldn't do that and just needed some more time. "If you let someone go and they come back to you, then it's meant to be" is what she said to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks, man. I have to think that we have a chance, given that she's willing to meet up next month. She stated she loved me and we kissed goodbye at our last meeting. It'd be pretty messed up for her to just string me along, state that she's not looking for anyone else, and agree to not get together with anyone, if she really didn't have any intention of giving it another try.

 

Or she could come to the conclusion that she doesn't think that I can give her what she needs and we go our separate ways.

 

I have no choice but to trust in her, myself, and this process. If she truely is playing the field and just buying time until someone better comes along, then that would be very unfortunate, for instead of feeling indifference, I would actually despise her.

 

I believe that she's not capable of doing something like that to me, or anyone else for that matter.

 

I told her to "just tell me there isn't a chance and I'll be out of your life once and for all", but she said she couldn't do that and just needed some more time. "If you let someone go and they come back to you, then it's meant to be" is what she said to me.

 

Of course she's not going to tell you that -- she wants to keep as many options as possible. Honestly, it sounds like you are way too available and she sees you as a backup plan. She knows she can get emotional support from you whenever you want and she's not going to give that up if she doesn't have to. And because you aren't strong enough to withhold that support if she pressures you, this is going to be the status quo.

 

It's hard to miss something that doesn't go away, and you haven't gone away. Whenever she texts, calls, whatever, you jump. And being there all the time does not build attraction. She knows you are sitting around waiting, so there's no motivation for her to make a decision.

 

I guess you should go to this meeting because you've already scheduled it, but you need to be prepared to walk afterward if it doesn't go your way (I don't think it will, hope I'm wrong). Don't declare that you are going to not contact her, just don't do it. And if she contacts you, do not answer. She has it all -- she has you to emotionally unload on and whatever other guys she picks up for the physical aspect. You have nothing. And you will continue to have nothing if you keep playing the wait-around doormat. But you have to be strong for yourself -- don't expect her to make a move for your benefit.

[AHeavyHeart]

Of course she's not going to tell you that -- she wants to keep as many options as possible. Honestly, it sounds like you are way too available and she sees you as a backup plan. She knows she can get emotional support from you whenever you want and she's not going to give that up if she doesn't have to. And because you aren't strong enough to withhold that support if she pressures you, this is going to be the status quo.

 

It's hard to miss something that doesn't go away, and you haven't gone away. Whenever she texts, calls, whatever, you jump. And being there all the time does not build attraction. She knows you are sitting around waiting, so there's no motivation for her to make a decision.

 

I guess you should go to this meeting because you've already scheduled it, but you need to be prepared to walk afterward if it doesn't go your way (I don't think it will, hope I'm wrong). Don't declare that you are going to not contact her, just don't do it. And if she contacts you, do not answer. She has it all -- she has you to emotionally unload on and whatever other guys she picks up for the physical aspect. You have nothing. And you will continue to have nothing if you keep playing the wait-around doormat. But you have to be strong for yourself -- don't expect her to make a move for your benefit.

 

I hear ya...we don't have an actual date set and she's going to have to set it up, if it's going to happen.

 

Honestly, I feel real good about my life right now. I've been steady at the gym, going to counseling and working on myself. Work is also going well.

 

I've never had a problem with attracting the ladies and am currently dating...not "waiting around", but keeping the door open to her, should she figure out what she wants. If she's playing games, then she loses, for I won't have any respect for her.

 

You're totally right regarding being too available in the beginning and strict NC is actually turning out to be good for me thus far.

[Winter blue]

This is my first thread, after doing alot of reading on this forum.

 

My story:

 

Girlfriend broke up with me after a two year relationship. We had the best first date ever and everything was awesome for the first 8-9 months. However, we learned to push each others buttons during little spouts that turned into larger ones. She is very in-tune with herself, very sensative, and very spiritual. This was her longest relationship, having been the 3 month girl most of her life. She has a life coach. I am very analytical, to the point, and very driven. We are both stubborn, which led to what began to be a roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs. We almost broke up a few times. She gave me a list of things she needed from me in order to feel complete and taken care of/secure in our relationship. I'm the kind of guy who thinks he can fix things himself. I honestly made an effort to work on myself and be less argumentative, listen better...all the typical differences between a man and a woman, in my opinion. However, it wasn't enough and I did too little too late. I always told her that she'd have to be the one to break it up, for I wouldn't have the heart. In addition, I truely wanted it to work out and didn't want to give up. Well, back in October, she told me that she wasn't happy and needed to be alone. After alot of crying, talking about what went wrong, and mutual forgiveness, she told me "if the universe brings us back together, then it was meant to be" and that she would always want me in her life in some way, for she still loves me. We had one last great night together and that was it.

 

During the first couple of months she texts me (from the airport, after work, etc.) making it very difficult for me to move on. Meanwhile, I'm seeing a therapist and working diligently on myself, trying to get to the bottom of my insecurities, feelings of mistrust, etc...just trying to be the best person I can be, in hopes that my issues, the ones that fueled the fire, do not re-surface, making any future relationships difficult. We have a couple of very long conversations over the phone where she notices a major change in my thinking and we go deeper than we ever had during the relationship. I tell her that I want her back and she tells me she still loves me, but can't give me a difinitive answer as to when/if we would get back together. They were very good conversations and more crying ensued, but both of us felt good about it.

 

We end up meeting before Xmas for dinner and again, she notices major improvements in the way I'm thinking and handling the situation. She's impressed, but again, no difinitive answer as to when/if we would get back together. She states again how much she still cares about me and loves me. I tell her that if there is a chance, that I couldn't handle her being with another man and it would be a deal breaker for me, should she decide that she wants me back. In the past, I have been able to "tune out" and walk away from a broken relationship, feeling indifference rather quickly. However, I have never had feelings for someone as much as I have with her, not even with my ex-wife. We agree to meet up after Xmas on NY day. She texts me and we have another phone conversation over the Xmas break, both of us visiting family at the time...good talks and both are feeling good about the process.

 

We have brunch and this time she tells me that she had been thinking about what I said and that she can agree to not have physical contact with anyone else until we meet up again. In addition, she didn't want to hear about anything I may do with someone else, should it happen. If it were to happen, she would like it to be based on frienship and understanding, taking it slow and treating it as a new relationship. We agree to meet up again in February and decide that we need at least 30 days NC to truely be alone to figure ourselves out.

 

My question to you all:

 

Is she really sincere, or am I being put in the "friend zone" that is spoken about so often on the forum?

 

Am I being a fool to think she'll finally come around and tell me that she wants to start a new relationship, based on friendship and understanding?

 

I guess only time can tell...There is obviously more to the story and I'm willing to share...just didn't want to write an essay right off the bat.

 

Thanks.

 

Hi OP, what made you say that to her (in bold)? are you saying she should not get involved with anothe man while she is thinking it through, whether to get back with you? was there another guy involved in your breakup? Have you ever get to the reason why she broke up with you in the first place? Her being unhappy and wanting to be alone sound like a very lame excuse to be honest..

[AHeavyHeart]

Hi OP, what made you say that to her (in bold)? are you saying she should not get involved with anothe man while she is thinking it through, whether to get back with you? was there another guy involved in your breakup? Have you ever get to the reason why she broke up with you in the first place? Her being unhappy and wanting to be alone sound like a very lame excuse to be honest..

 

She was tired of the roller coaster of us being on and off emotionally. I don't think there was anyone else...she told me there wasn't and didn't have any reason not to believe her. I just can't fathom being with her romantically after she's been with someone else. If she just needs time to find herself again and figure out what she wants, then so be it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear ya...we don't have an actual date set and she's going to have to set it up, if it's going to happen.

 

Honestly, I feel real good about my life right now. I've been steady at the gym, going to counseling and working on myself. Work is also going well.

 

I've never had a problem with attracting the ladies and am currently dating...not "waiting around", but keeping the door open to her, should she figure out what she wants. If she's playing games, then she loses, for I won't have any respect for her.

 

You're totally right regarding being too available in the beginning and strict NC is actually turning out to be good for me thus far.

 

You don't keep the door open. If she wants it open, she'll knock.

[Trick1004]

She was tired of the roller coaster of us being on and off emotionally. I don't think there was anyone else...she told me there wasn't and didn't have any reason not to believe her. I just can't fathom being with her romantically after she's been with someone else. If she just needs time to find herself again and figure out what she wants, then so be it.

 

My ex played the same game with me for a couple of months; texting, calling, wanting to meet and talk, saying she needed some time and who knows what might happen in the future.

 

I would reply very briefly, till I found out it took her all of three weeks after she broke up with me to hop in bed with another man (despite her insisting there was no one else). I couldn't fathom how she moved on so fast and it hurt like hell.

 

I've been NC since then.

 

People say stuff to string you along. Words are just words, you have absolutely no idea what she has actually been up to and probably don't want to find out. I agree with Simon, it's on her now to make a SERIOUS EFFORT. Everything else is just keeping you in limbo.

 

Trick

[AHeavyHeart]

You don't keep the door open. If she wants it open, she'll knock.

 

Nice analogy...you're correct. The door shouldn't be open and technically won't be. If she decides to contact me and states that she would like to meet and discuss getting back together, I'll have to make an assessment based on where I'm at and how I feel at that point in time. I could very well feel indifference towards her by then. I'm dating and I've met some women whom I really enjoy being with. Relationships take time and I'm not looking to jump back into anything. Right now I'm just having fun and taking things as they come.

[AHeavyHeart]

I would reply very briefly, till I found out it took her all of three weeks after she broke up with me to hop in bed with another man (despite her insisting there was no one else). I couldn't fathom how she moved on so fast and it hurt like hell.

 

 

Trick

 

How did you find out?

 

If we do meet up again, I'm going to ask her about this and she's going to have to lie to me, if she has been with anyone else, for she knows that I'm not going to want to have anything to do with her at that point. It'll be a judgement call and I know how she reacts when she's bending the truth. I'll be going with my gut feeling, rather than what my heart is telling me.

 

I'll have the fortitude and strength to walk away at that point, should I not be able to trust her, for it's all about trust and I definately do not want to start a relationship that is founded on lies and deceit.

[AHeavyHeart]

Just got a text from her asking if I'd like to be with her on her birthday, which is coming up. I asked her at our last meeting if we could do something together and she said NO. It's only been 18 days of NC and I'm not sure what to think of this...part of me thinks that if she was serious and wanted to talk about reconciliation, she would have the decency to call me. I'm reluctant to reply.

[pickflicker]

Just got a text from her asking if I'd like to be with her on her birthday, which is coming up. I asked her at our last meeting if we could do something together and she said NO. It's only been 18 days of NC and I'm not sure what to think of this...part of me thinks that if she was serious and wanted to talk about reconciliation, she would have the decency to call me. I'm reluctant to reply.

 

 

Make her work for it. Don't reply. If she gives up after one unanswered text, she's not willing to try.

[AHeavyHeart]

She called and while she didn't want to tell me everything over the phone, would rather see me in person, we talked for two hours. She went on a retreat with some friends to do some "life mapping" and came to the conclusion that she really wants to give us another try. She said she knew what she wanted right after our last meeting, but wanted some time to make sure.

 

We're going out to dinner for her Bday and are going to lay everything out on the table. I still have questions that need to be answered and am not going to get back into a relationship with her unless I feel confident that she's really made up her mind and is going to put in an honest effort...I don't want to go through this again with her. However, I realize that there really isn't any way to be sure and there's no guarantees in this thing called "love". If I feel comfortable during our meeting and we are able to be honest with each other and our expectations are feasible, then I'm going to go for it.

 

I thought about it all last night...even though I've been feeling a bit of indifference towards her as of late, I DO still love her.

[AHeavyHeart]

Update:

 

Birthday plans went well...we're back together. We still have much to talk about, but she seems sincere and "commited" to a meaningful and healthy relationship. I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, hit'n the gym hard, etc. and she's acknowledged some things that she needs to continue working on. Bottom line, she stated to me that she realized that she really wants me in her life and is willing to do whatever it takes...couples counceling...whatever.

 

We have plans to go skiing this weekend and do some more reflection, talk more about our needs and desires, and how to move forward.

 

Quote:

"I am so excited to restart this amazing journey with you and feel such a deep sense of promise, joy, and eager anticipation about what our future together may hold. So many good conversations to be had, and so much laughter and good times to be shared!" "Can't wait to have just us time, to have some fun, and to further our good discussions about "us" and "we" and the future we want to build together!"

 

I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked right now and am going to give it my best effort...we'll see what happens.

[d0cholliday]

Update:

 

Birthday plans went well...we're back together. We still have much to talk about, but she seems sincere and "commited" to a meaningful and healthy relationship. I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, hit'n the gym hard, etc. and she's acknowledged some things that she needs to continue working on. Bottom line, she stated to me that she realized that she really wants me in her life and is willing to do whatever it takes...couples counceling...whatever.

 

We have plans to go skiing this weekend and do some more reflection, talk more about our needs and desires, and how to move forward.

 

Quote:

"I am so excited to restart this amazing journey with you and feel such a deep sense of promise, joy, and eager anticipation about what our future together may hold. So many good conversations to be had, and so much laughter and good times to be shared!" "Can't wait to have just us time, to have some fun, and to further our good discussions about "us" and "we" and the future we want to build together!"

 

I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked right now and am going to give it my best effort...we'll see what happens.

 

I hope everything works out for the best for you two.

Don't try too hard, take things slowly and lightly... Start dating with her again, don't skip that part, and get back to the old "dead" relationship, that could backfire. Start new, start fresh, treat it like a new relationship.

[jphcbpa]

Update:

 

 

 

Quote:

"I am so excited to restart this amazing journey with you and feel such a deep sense of promise, joy, and eager anticipation about what our future together may hold. So many good conversations to be had, and so much laughter and good times to be shared!" "Can't wait to have just us time, to have some fun, and to further our good discussions about "us" and "we" and the future we want to build together!"

 

I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked right now and am going to give it my best effort...we'll see what happens.

 

Beautiful and love this for you. Just keep taking care of you, your priorities, your serenity, keep on the path that has been growing you and either way you will be just fine.