How much giving is too much in an LDR?

[Aedra]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now, going on 4. My bf is nearly in poverty and sometimes has to rely on me to pay up a straggling bill. He feels deeply ashamed of this. He used to have to rely on me to even eat enough, but has since improved his financial situation and no longer has to in that regard. He's always complaining about being sick as wel. He used to be very unhealthy but has done a lot to improve his health and eat better and has made great progress. I always feel bad and want to help of course I always end up helping him out, but lately I've just started to feel underappreciated and resentful. He can't exactly send me anything because he is literally struggling to even survive but its making me extra tired emotionally because I really want physical objects to feel like the relationship is real, if that makes any sense. It's a touchy subject and always leaves me with mixed emotions of guilt and anger...I just end up even more confused and wondering if I'm just being entitled. I don't know if I'm giving too much and receiving so little or this is just life and I need to deal with it.

 

 

I know its really is not within his means with how the economy has dried up all the jobs in his town and he doesn't have enough money to move out of there. I almost broke up last week, but I didn't have the heart to leave him in the end with the situation he was in. His parents are also not close to him and they don't really respect or like him because he is far behind other people his age (33, I am 26) should be in their view. As a result he usually feels worthless and unloved. He is in truth a very affective, compassionate, kind and intelligent man despite struggling with self worth.

 

 

I see him in real life again in about 7 weeks after over a whole year long distance, but I am not all that excited about as I should be. We can't permanently be together for a good while, probably another 2-3 years with money issues and immigration issues. What would you do or feel in this situation? Be as honest as you want. Any insight is really appreciated, its been tearing me up like no tomorrow. People I have tried asking for advice just avoid saying anything or dodging answers and it makes me feel alone.

Edited January 13, 2014 by Aedra

[d0nnivain]

Distance is the least of your problems. If economics & immigration come in to play here, how do you think this will get fixed? What's your end game? Even if you manage to get together, are you prepared to support him?

[Els]

Re: Wanting physical gifts, these are not dependent on how much/little money he has. A handmade card inclusive of postage costs less than $10. There are plenty of ways in which people can give gifts without money.

 

Re: The balance in your R, yes, I think you are giving a lot and receiving very little. You are completely within your rights to not be satisfied with that. I would not be.

 

These two issues, along with all the other problems you mentioned (immigration issues, etc) make me wonder why you are staying. Did he give a lot more in the beginning? Does he make you feel special emotionally, treat you very well, put in a lot of effort and time even if he doesn't have the money? What is it about this R that makes you feel it is worth all the investment and distance and years?

[GemmaUK]

How long has he been like this?

 

As in needing to be helped to eat, pay bills etc?

 

All the signs right now are that he expects you to be a surrogate parent.

That's not a healthy, loving, equal, relationship.

 

It doen't sound like you get much out of the relationship either.

Relationships shoudl 'add to' your life, not diminish them and be an emotional drain on you (eg the guilt you say you feel).

[Arieswoman]

Where is he from and what immigration issues do you have?

[GemmaUK]

Apologies for typos in there, I am unable to edit for some reason.

[Aedra]

Distance is the least of your problems. If

economics & immigration come in to play here, how do you think this will get fixed?

What's your end game? Even if you manage to get together, are you prepared to support him?

 

My end-game is to have him move here, because it would beat staying in his town. He'd like to do this too, but money is the problem, along with not having any work contacts in my country. I can't do a marriage vis since well, Ia don't officially have a job or tax file number. I work for family. (long story short I have severe social anxiety and depression...and I constantly worry that my immigration files would be rejected due to not having any financial proof of us being together, LDR doesn't appear to be treated like a proper relationship.) I just feel like I am way over my head. I went to some forums...they all say I need financial proof and have to live with him for like 1-2 years. I'd do anything for some guidance on the matter but I don't know where the heck to start.

 

Re: Wanting physical gifts, these are not dependent on how much/little

money he has. A handmade card inclusive of postage costs less than $10. There are plenty of ways

in which people can give gifts without money.

Re: The balance in your R, yes, I think you are giving a lot and receiving very little.

You are completely within your rights to not be satisfied with that. I would not be.

These two issues, along with all the other problems you mentioned (immigration issues, etc)

make me wonder why you are staying. Did he give a lot more in the beginning? Does he make you

feel special emotionally, treat you very well, put in a lot of effort and time even if

he doesn't have the money? What is it about this R that makes you feel it is worth all

the investment and distance and years?

 

 

I thought that about cards too...I didn't think it would cost much to send a card...but he is telling me where he lives it is very expensive international postage fee for a card and too much for him to afford. Like 20-30 dollars? (He lives in the U.S, I am in Australia.) I am not sure whether this is true. He lives in a small town, yet I don't see how sending a card would cost a fortune still. It makes me angry because it sounds like a lie.

 

 

Before we met, I was in a very bad relationship and extremely unstable emotionally speaking. I was also alone and had lost mu circle of real life friends due to depression. He was very respectful, kind and honest towards me and gave me lots of advice and emotional support. He was basically the kind of comfort I desperately needed. He frequently tells me he loves me and can't wait to see me again. If I ever mention gifts he tells me it would mean he would have to deny himself simple things and it would make it even more difficult to cope with his financial issue...so I just feel too guilty.

 

 

How long has he been like this?

As in needing to be helped to eat, pay bills etc?

All the signs right now are that he expects you to be a surrogate parent.

That's not a healthy, loving, equal, relationship.

It doen't sound like you get much out of the relationship either.

Relationships shoudl 'add to' your life, not diminish them and be an emotional drain

on you (eg the guilt you say you feel).

 

 

A while, on and off for about 1 year. The latest time he has asked for money was about a week ago, which made me kind of snap. He told me it was to ease a burden and that it was for both of us, so he could start saving. I feel he is being honest but at the same time...I really don't know what to think anymore. I agree relationships should add to one's life but I can't help but feel I'm being weak for not enduring a rough patch. Maybe I am just being too hard-headed.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Aedra

[CA2TN4Love]

I'm sorry, but the US is not a third world country. In fact, I think my mouth fell open when I read that he lives here. I was expecting some impoverished country where he has no opportunity. There is no reason that you should have to send money to support him. He's taking advantage of you. I would cease sending him anymore money. If he's that desperate, there are plenty of ways he can make some money. I've heard of people donating plasma to earn a few bucks! I just read a story in the news the other day about a family who makes a living by panhandling. They make an average of $182 a day! And let's not forget that we have jobs here. I see signs in my city all the time at the fast food restaurants advertising a job. There is no excuse for him to ask you for money. Don't let him manipulate you.

 

As for the card, it costs $4.60 to mail a large envelope to Australia (http://www.usps.com). It's only $1.10 to mail a 50 cent postcard with a loving statement on the back.

 

I'd call him out on his BS.

Edited January 14, 2014 by CA2TN4Love

[Els]

I just feel like I am way over my head. I went to some forums...they all say I need financial proof and have to live with him for like 1-2 years. I'd do anything for some guidance on the matter but I don't know where the heck to start.

 

Sounds like Aussie is similar to NZ in that regard. In that case you do need to live together for some time, but you do not necessarily need to prove that you can support him. The 'financial proof' means proof that you have mingled finances or that one of you was financially dependent on the other, which either joint accounts or statements showing you sending money to him would suffice.

 

What people usually do to make the 'living together' bit work out is to arrive on a visitor or working holiday visa, apply for a temporary partner visa after living together for a few months, then keep extending until they have lived together for a year and can apply for a permanent visa.

 

However I would recommend talking to an immigration adviser about that. Many give initial free consults.

 

 

Before we met, I was in a very bad relationship and extremely unstable emotionally speaking. I was also alone and had lost mu circle of real life friends due to depression. He was very respectful, kind and honest towards me and gave me lots of advice and emotional support. He was basically the kind of comfort I desperately needed. He frequently tells me he loves me and can't wait to see me again. If I ever mention gifts he tells me it would mean he would have to deny himself simple things and it would make it even more difficult to cope with his financial issue...so I just feel too guilty.

 

A while, on and off for about 1 year. The latest time he has asked for money was about a week ago, which made me kind of snap. He told me it was to ease a burden and that it was for both of us, so he could start saving. I feel he is being honest but at the same time...I really don't know what to think anymore. I agree relationships should add to one's life but I can't help but feel I'm being weak for not enduring a rough patch. Maybe I am just being too hard-headed.

 

I don't know, Aedra... there is just so much fishy stuff going on here. Have you spent any significant time with this guy IRL? Why does he not work? And even if he can't work, why does he constantly need money from you when the USA offers unemployment or disability pay?

[d0nnivain]

You are being played, honey. It costs less than $2 to send a card. If he loved you, he'd moved mountains to see you.

 

 

If you really want to know more about the immigration laws in your country check the gov't websites Here's a link to the official site: Australian Government Department of Immigration and Border Protection When I ran the search a bunch of for pay commercial cites popped up to so there are people you can pay to guide you through. You may also want to consult an immigration lawyer.

 

 

How is it that you will be seeing him again in 7 weeks? If you are serious about moving forward with this relationship, I suggest you sit together & make a budget.

[OnlyHonesty]

It appears you have continued the pattern of unhealthy relationships. You have gone from one unstable one to another. The only difference is they have different types of instability.

 

Perhaps there are elements of rescuer complex, codependency and emotional unavailability. The long distance means you can't really know how truthful this guy is concerning his current predicament. Perhaps part of expending so much time, energy and discontent on this guy means you have less time to worry about your own problems too.

[justwhoiam]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now, going on 4. My bf is nearly in poverty and sometimes has to rely on me to pay up a straggling bill.

So, he's American and not working. But he owns a house? If he has no money & can't pay his bills, he should:

1) look for a smaller house elsewhere

2) sell his current house

3) move to a place with best job opportunities (since I guess he lives in a small town with no job offers, if it even exists)

 

He's 33 and cannot live off crumbles people give him out of pity or love. I would assume he must have good reasons not to work, besides the crisis... With the humblest of jobs, maybe he wouldn't land his dream job, but he would pay the bills.

 

By feeding him with money, you are not motivating him to look for a job. And if he never does anything for you, with all the time in the world in his hands, he's just a lazy guy. And even assuming $2 would be too much for him right now, he could write some letter by hand or make a drawing or something for you, scan it and send it to you by email, and you could print it out and keep it with you. So no excuse whatsoever. Or he could make a photobook for you... there are lots of options where he could give you things or do special things for you without putting in a single penny.

 

Also, please stop sending him expensive gifts.

 

Isn't he the same guy flirting with another woman and trying to get her to skype with him and go on webcam to masturbate? And admitting he's always had a bit of a crush on her???

 

How have you been spending 4 LD years with this man?

Edited January 14, 2014 by justwhoiam

[soccerrprp]

[shiver] I know someone who was also trapped in a similar situation, but has made the decision to move on. It was/is unhealthy for her and her family to be with someone who was in a situation of dependency no matter how/why he was placed in that situation. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be stuck feeling obligated to stay with him and help him with no sight of sunlight? Talk to him and get him to make some serious moves to improve his situation. Is he getting welfare? Jobless benefits? Is he looking for a job? Trying to fix up the house and sell it and move in somewhere more affordable? How is he paying for his mortgage if so poor?

 

He doesn't need your gifts. He needs expectations and timelines if he wants to be with you. Don't be trapped in someone else's shadow of uncertainty, especially when you don't have to be.

[Aedra]

Thanks for your replies everyone I appreciate it.

 

 

I'm sorry, but the US is not a third world country. In fact, I think my mouth fell open when I read that he lives here. I was expecting some impoverished country where he has no opportunity. There is no reason that you should have to send money to support him. He's taking advantage of you. I would cease sending him anymore money. If he's that desperate, there are plenty of ways he can make some money. I've heard of people donating plasma to earn a few bucks! I just read a story in the news the other day about a family who makes a living by panhandling. They make an average of $182 a day! And let's not forget that we have jobs here. I see signs in my city all the time at the fast food restaurants advertising a job. There is no excuse for him to ask you for money. Don't let him manipulate you. As for the card, it costs $4.60 to mail a large envelope to Australia (www.usps.com). It's only $1.10 to mail a 50 cent postcard with a loving statement on the back. I'd call him out on his BS.

 

 

Thanks for clearing that up for me. I guess I didn't want to believe he might be lying in that regard. I will definately confront him about it very soon. Just to make it clear he does have a job at a company owned by some of his relatives, but it pays about 18,000 a year if I remember.

 

Sounds like Aussie is similar to NZ in that regard. In that case you do need to live together for some time, but you do not necessarily need to prove that you can support him. The 'financial proof' means proof that you have mingled finances or that one of you was financially dependent on the other, which either joint accounts or statements showing you sending money to him would suffice. What people usually do to make the 'living together' bit work out is to arrive on a visitor or working holiday visa, apply for a temporary partner visa after living together for a few months, then keep extending until they have lived together for a year and can apply for a permanent visa. However I would recommend talking to an immigration adviser about that. Many give initial free consults.I don't know, Aedra... there is just so much fishy stuff going on here. Have you spent any significant time with this guy IRL? Why does he not work? And even if he can't work, why does he constantly need money from you when the USA offers unemployment or disability pay?

 

 

Yes, I have seen him twice in real life, one the first year we met for 2 weeks in my country, the second time 1 month in his country. I could afford it because I had a part time job at my family's business.

 

 

And yeah, it really does look like I'll have to go to a proper adviser. I guess what's holding me back is alot of shame at the moment...I just don't feel comfortable explaining my whole situation with my anxiety problems and the fact I don't officially exist without a tax file number...I just feel all this shame. I guess I gotta just get over it.

 

 

I also have asked him about why he doesn't get some form of financial aid, but he says he can't. He supposedly makes slightly above what is expected to get benefits. He makes about 18,000 a year at his company. Is he stretching the truth that he can't get any form of benefits in the U.S with that income?

 

 

You are being played, honey. It costs less than $2 to send a card. If he loved you, he'd moved mountains to see you.

 

If you really want to know more about the immigration laws in your country check the gov't websites Here's a link to the official site: Australian Government Department of Immigration and Border Protection

When I ran the search a bunch of for pay commercial cites popped up to so there are people you can pay to guide you through. You may also want to consult an immigration lawyer.

 

How is it that you will be seeing him again in 7 weeks? If you are serious about moving forward with this relationship, I suggest you sit together & make a budget.

 

 

OK, thank you. I think it will be worth the money in the end to get a immigration guide. I was deterred because it was quite expensive for me but I think I'll end up getting one. The reason I can afford to go overseas is because my parents decided to help me out with the ticket. I have a budget to ensure I don't overspend.

 

 

It appears you have continued the pattern of unhealthy relationships. You have gone from one unstable one to another. The only difference is they have different types of instability.

Perhaps there are elements of rescuer complex, codependency and emotional unavailability. The long distance means you can't really know how truthful this guy is concerning his current predicament.

Perhaps part of expending so much time, energy and discontent on this guy means you have less time to worry about your own problems too.

 

 

You are probably more right then I realize. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I have huge social anxiety but there's probably alot more going on then I'm realizing. I've been to more then a handful of therapists and psychologists over the past 2 years, but they have been a waste of money and time and just left me losing hope.

 

[shiver] I know someone who was also trapped in a similar situation, but has made the decision to move on. It was/is unhealthy for her and her family to be with someone who was in

a situation of dependency no matter how/why he was placed in that situation. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be stuck feeling obligated to stay with him and help him with no sight of sunlight?

Talk to him and get him to make some serious moves to improve his situation. Is he getting welfare? Jobless benefits? Is he looking for a job? Trying to fix up the house and sell it and move in somewhere more affordable? How is he paying for his mortgage if so poor?

 

 

He doesn't need your gifts. He needs expectations and timelines if he wants to be with you. Don't be trapped in someone else's shadow of uncertainty, especially when you don't have to be.

 

 

He used to making more then enough to live comfortably, told me he made about 24,000 or something. Before I met him he was in a relationship with a woman overseas and was about to marry her,

but his mom died of alcoholism and his fiancée couldn't handle it all and left him before they were to get married. Then his company started having issues due to the economy apparently, he is underpaid and says he can't get any other jobs in his town and alot of people are going unemployed there. I actually went to his town so I know he wasn't lying about that entirely, but I still have this feeling he might be exaggerating to some degree.

 

And you are right guess I gotta start having a backbone and putting down expectations thank you. I definately struggle alot with this.

 

So, he's American and not working. But he owns a house? If he has no money & can't pay his bills, he should:

1) look for a smaller house elsewhere

2) sell his current house

3) move to a place with best job opportunities (since I guess he lives in a small town with no job offers, if it even exists)

He's 33 and cannot live off crumbles people give him out of pity or love. I would assume he must have good reasons not to work, besides the crisis... With the humblest of jobs, maybe he wouldn't land his dream job, but he would pay the bills.

By feeding him with money, you are not motivating him to look for a job. And if he never does anything for you, with all the time in the world in his hands, he's just a lazy guy. And even assuming $2 would be too much for him right now, he could write some letter by hand or make a drawing or something for you, scan it and send it to you by email, and you could print it out and keep it with you. So no excuse whatsoever. Or he could make a photobook for you... there are lots of options where he could give you things or do special things for you without putting in a single penny.

Also, please stop sending him expensive gifts.

Isn't he the same guy flirting with another woman and trying to get her to skype with him and go on webcam to masturbate? And admitting he's always had a bit of a crush on her???

How have you been spending 4 LD years with this man?

 

 

You ask a good question. I think the emotional support he gave me kept me staying in the end because I could never get this anywhere else. Yes this was the same guy I caught just about to wank off to an online

friend of his back then. I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks when it happened and it was what triggered him changing and improving himself. He said the reason he did it because he was terrified I was leaving or something due

to abandonment issues. He cut off all contact with her, I watched and checked him for a while. I'm still not sure whether staying was the right thing to do, but he has since kept his word as far as I can tell.

 

 

Sorry didn't make it clear but he does have a job. He also apparently lives in the cheapest appartment he can. When I went over there I can at least say its not the most attractive looking appartment around

really small so I believe he wasn't lying about that lol.

 

 

We spend regular time together online gaming, its pretty much one of the few things we can do together long distance. Since we're both really into that it works out in that regard.

 

 

I will stop sending him expensive gifts from now on too. I just have this overwhelming urge to do so all the time and help him out because I am in a better position then he is right now...I guess that is co-dependency. =(

[pteromom]

I am getting a very bad vibe from this guy. Have you researched him to verify his story?

 

I would absolutely refuse to send him any more money. Tell him a story if you have to - that you got some unexpected bills and you will have no extra money to send. See if he stops contacting you when you are no longer a source of money.

 

I wonder if he is doing this with multiple women.

 

If you want to PM me his name, town, etc. I can see what I can dig up on him.

[justwhoiam]

My bf is nearly in poverty

 

he does have a job at a company owned by some of his relatives, but it pays about 18,000 a year

 

That's not poverty, it's just a low wage. And it doesn't justify asking people for money. Hopefully he doesn't gamble.

[Tayla]

The question was How much giving is too much? My brief answer, when you come on here and question the relationship from begining to now. Thats when its too much. Step back and allow the chips to fall where they may. Maybe he will surprise you and actually show himself worthy of your love, or maybe he will shut down and go mooch off someone else. Only time will tell. I don't judge anyone by their income, only by the outcome of their behavior...are they genuine? Compassionate? Self efficient ? ...Only you can answer that as you know him....I wish you well though in how you come to terms with this matter, you seem to have a good heart.

[TMichaels]

Just to make it clear he does have a job at a company owned by some of his relatives, but it pays about 18,000 a year if I remember...

 

I also have asked him about why he doesn't get some form of financial aid, but he says he can't. He supposedly makes slightly above what is expected to get benefits. He makes about 18,000 a year at his company. Is he stretching the truth that he can't get any form of benefits in the U.S with that income?

 

Man, this guy must really think you're stupid. Why aren't you Googling the crap he's doling out instead of going for it hook, line and sinker?

 

While earning $18,000/yr is a pretty meager existence, according to the most recent statistics, the "poverty line" in the US for a one-person household is $11,490. He makes more than 150% of that.

 

Why would he be eligible for any financial aid? He's working. He makes a living. If he had been fired, made redundant, or laid-off, he would file for Unemployment Compensation which depending on the state he lives in could be paid for 26 weeks or more. However, to get those benefits he would have to prove he lost his job through no fault of his own and then would have to demonstrate he's actively looking for work while collecting Unemployment Compensation and report in every week on his progress.

 

He *might* qualify for food stamps (monthly stipend that must be spent to purchase food) but again it depends on the state he lives in whether he would qualify especially since such programs are more partial to families with dependent children or the aged.

 

Twenty to thirty dollars to post a greeting card from the US to Australia? ROFLMAO Bet he's still laughing his head off about you believing that one!

 

Bottom line, this guy is counting on you not knowing anything about the way things work in the US not to mention if you're madly in love with him he's betting you won't question a word he tells you.

 

And so far, he's 100% correct. Not only have you fallen for his bullsh|t, you've bought into it so seriously you're rewarding him for his duplicity by being generous with your time and money, while you get practically naught in return.

 

You say your parents helped you out financially with the money for an airline ticket to see this guy. Do they have any idea that you've been sending him money? Or, that you're contemplating running through hoops trying to get him into the country? Even if you're legally an adult and they can't prevent you from making foolish decisions, I can't believe they are OK with all of this IF you have been truthful with them.

 

For God's sake, DO NOT waste your time checking immigration law in your country. This guy isn't going anywhere -- literally or figuratively -- except to his PayPal account to collect his "paycheck" from you (and I'm guessing, other women he's similarly horn-swoggled on the web).

 

You want to find happiness? Spend just half the time and effort you're wasting on this loser working through your own issues. Quit making excuses for him as well as how counseling doesn't work and get serious. If you don't, you're going to continue to get taken advantage of and bled dry emotionally as well as financially by this guy or anyone who gives you the time of day.

 

IOW, hitch up your big girl panties and take care of yourself -- no one else can, and no one else should. The sooner you come to this realization, the better off you'll be.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited January 15, 2014 by TMichaels

[Els]

If he is making $18,000 a year why is he needing to ask you for money? That is more than $1000/month. It is completely possible to survive on that without external assistance by being frugal.

 

Aedra, I get that you value the emotional bond you have with this man, but I really begin to wonder if the bond is one-sided. I don't usually have a problem with people supporting their partners, especially if he had, say, quit his job to move to be with you and couldn't find one in your locale. However, sending money to a long-distance bf who doesn't seem to make much effort and whom you have only met twice, is really not a wise thing to do.

 

I strongly suggest you stop sending him money and see what he does. If he stays and pulls up his socks, there is still hope that he was just being a bit of an immature dickhead and maybe actually has feelings for you. If he throws the R away due to that, then you know what he was REALLY with you for.