justbreathe12 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I will give a short synopsis of what has my mind reeling and my heart breaking. My WH was chatting online with women about sex without my knowledge or consent. I found out and then realized his profile at the website where this occurred had been opened for 3+ years. The only reasonable thought is he had also been (in my mind) cheating for the same amount of time as he chose to hide the profile from me. He was also using a secret IM and e-mail account to chat with these women. So, he is caught, and at first I believe it is only sexual chat with random women, but no emotions at first glance. Unfortunately, as I kept digging, I came to realize he appeared to have a favorite, to the point of him abandoning his profile at the website after meeting her. He assures me after DDay1, he has not had any contact with any women and when I find out about his favorite fling he swears he told her to go away. I believe him, but I am no idiot and I ask for transparency. In the months leading up to his cheating we were in couples therapy, thus we continued with that as well. As with any couple trying to reconcile after infidelity we have our ups and downs. I tell myself I can get over it and work past it due to it all being online and no physical contact made. Skip forward to three weeks ago and I discover a new e-mail on his laptop. It is full of e-mails between my WH and his favorite little slut from the sexual chat website. I am destroyed. At this point I believe it to be going on for close to two years. Two years of my marriage a complete and total lie. Is it possible to believe in that time they never arranged to meet in person? Does it matter? I am not sure the physical aspect matters when they were 18+ months into an online love affair. Do I cut my losses? He purposefully took this underground and lied to my face. Has anybody gone through something like this and come out clean on the other side? I do not want to live a life of a prison warden where I track and follow his every move in real life and in the cyber world. I have better things to do with my time, but if I do not verify everything how will I know he is not doing it again? BTW, we have been married 5 years, so he has been screwing around for a large part of our time together.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 He's not the marrying kind, and goodness alone only knows why he agreed to marry you. Chances are he's always had a wayward temperament. It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. he's not cut out for monogamy. Some people truly are not. Does he know you have found his latest deception? I think you've done more than enough to try to drag this back to where you believed it could be. he on the other hand, is utterly uncommitted to you, a cheater, a serial one at that - and has sabotaged your every effort and attempt. It's time to close this laptop, and get the hell out of this..... liaison. Relationship, it ain't. Marriage? Far less so. 2
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Sounds like some king of sexual addiction, that is if this is not physical. It almost sounds like porn addiction. Some people were hooked on those sex lines before the internet days. It almost sounds like a fantasy thing, that is, if they have never actually seen each other. If they have, it's just an affair like all others. do you have children together?
harrybrown Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Have you asked your H if he used protection? I know that he says they never were "physical", but if not with her, then what about the others? It does not sound like he is overly sorry. I would still get tested for stds, and file. He did not stop after he was caught and he did not confess.
ladydesigner Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Yes I agree with the others that it sounds like your WH has sexual addiction issues. He would need lots of intensive counseling and having to go cold turkey from those sites and pornography. Edited January 13, 2014 by ladydesigner
Author justbreathe12 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 He doesn't know that I found his secret e-mail yet. I am trying to get more information from the e-mails in that account first. I suspect they have met in person since it has been going on for as long as it has. I did not think about possible STDs. I feel sick to my stomach, and now I want him to pay. God, if he has had unprotected sex with her.
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Dump this man and find a guy who won't do this to you. He has disrespected you in almost every way. You deserve a lot better. It's really not hard for a guy to keep it in his pants if he loves his girlfriend/wife. Though be careful with the "I want to make him pay" mentality. Sometimes this can backfire and you just stoop to their level. The best revenge is getting this dude out of your life and finding a good guy.
sidney2718 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 justbreathe12: you are in a difficult spot. Nobody goes through this and comes out clean at the other end. You've been lied to and treated like a fool. It doesn't matter if there was a physical affair or not. He's lied to you and actively taken steps to keep the relationship with the OW going. About the only way to possibly save your marriage is to see an attorney, find out your rights, and file for divorce. If that does not make your husband think there is a problem in his marriage, then nothing will. HE is the one who has to convince YOU that a) he has chosen you, b) he has totally cut it off with the OW, and c) will give you all his passwords and secret accounts so that you can check up on him. Make it clear that one transgression and you are gone. It is clear from what you wrote that you are not ready right now to consider divorce. There's no harm in waiting a while, but don't wait too long. And yes, if it comes to divorce it will be hard, but it will be even harder living with a man who will continuously cheat on you. Do you really want to be Don Juan's housekeeper and occasional evening's entertainment?
Spectre Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Justbreathe: As a man let me tell you right now if this guy was in love with you the thought of hurting you this badly would destroy him. It obviously didn't, since he not only had these thoughts but apparently followed through with them.
beach Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Since he's risked your M even further - and not been considering how his actions affect you - the M is over. He's a complete jerk.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Since he's risked your M even further - and not been considering how his actions affect you - the M is over. He's a complete jerk. You might be right, but what if it is some kind of addiction like porn and he has never seen this person in real life. I know that some even have webcams set up and just take subscription threw some sort of internet site. It's a form of prostitution I guess. Do they have some kind of real R or is it just like a fantasy thing? Do you know exactly? I'm just curious because most men seeking an affair will just go and hook up with a co-worker or ay local woman. Why go this route, it's just somewhat odd to me. Not justifying or anything his behavior, I just think he has some weird sex addiction. There are people hooked on online gambling, gaming, and all other sort of things. Crap, I'm addicted to LS lately. LOL
Author justbreathe12 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 They met in person. I looked through the credit card statements and I found what I believe is proof. He was away on business for two weeks over the summer and his company paid for the hotel. At the end of the trip I found a different hotel charged to our credit card in the same city. I called the hotel and verified he actually checked in and for how many days, they also confirmed the reservation was for two. He stayed for three nights. I then called HR at his office and told them I needed to verify his travel days and they gave them to me. It appears the two week long business trip was only a week and a half. It's possible they met up before, but I do not need to know anymore. He put everything on the line for her, therefore he can have her. Now I have to remember to breathe, but eating is out of the question. I will schedule an appointment with a lawyer as soon as I can. I don't want him to know I know until I cover my bases. I hate him. I took him back. I let him stay after the first time. I believed he loved me and wanted better for our marriage. I let him hold me and make love to me. I am a fool.
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 No. You are anything but. You fought tooth and nail for this relationship. And he sabotaged it every step of the way. You can't love enough for two. You tried. It didn't work. Now, do the best thing for you, and don't whup yourself over this. You are not the fool, here. Not by a long chalk, you ain't. 1
experiencethedevine Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 They met in person. I looked through the credit card statements and I found what I believe is proof. He was away on business for two weeks over the summer and his company paid for the hotel. At the end of the trip I found a different hotel charged to our credit card in the same city. I called the hotel and verified he actually checked in and for how many days, they also confirmed the reservation was for two. He stayed for three nights. I then called HR at his office and told them I needed to verify his travel days and they gave them to me. It appears the two week long business trip was only a week and a half. It's possible they met up before, but I do not need to know anymore. He put everything on the line for her, therefore he can have her. Now I have to remember to breathe, but eating is out of the question. I will schedule an appointment with a lawyer as soon as I can. I don't want him to know I know until I cover my bases. I hate him. I took him back. I let him stay after the first time. I believed he loved me and wanted better for our marriage. I let him hold me and make love to me. I am a fool. My dear girl, you are far from a fool. There is only one individual in your marriage wearing a clown outfit, and it isn't you. I'm so terribly sorry for the agony and anguish you are suffering through your husbands deliberate persecution and abuse. Unfortunately, I am fully aware of this sort of scenario, through personal and professional experience. Your husband, if not already so, is certainly firmly headed for internet pornographic addiction. It rapidly escalates as the levels of dopamine in the brain alter it's neuropathways and create addictive patterns. Your husband needs more and more of a 'fix' which is most likely why it has led to actual meetings and sexual encounters as well as all the online activity. If your husband is not prepared to address this very real problem with appropriate therapy, then I'm afraid you have little hope of maintaining your own sanity. It will destroy your marriage, your sanity, and threaten your very soul.
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