lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 If a man, has a problem committing to anything, like relationships and exclusivity isn't for them as long as it's long distance. How can we possibly make it work? I recently wrote another thread about this in the dating section, here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/454558-am-i-rushing-things-am-i-wasting-my-time He says he still wants to keep his options open because of the long distance, he really likes me a lot and would like to take our time and see where things go between us. He isn't seeing, dating anyone else, or even looking, but he says that is when you're more likely to find someone. I'm wondering how can I even make this work because I'm the type that can only focus my time and energy one person, even if it is long distance. I also have potential suitors right now that want to date me, and they want marriage, which is what I want. I would feel like I am not being honest with them if I date one of them and still have this other LD guy. How can I even take him serious when he wants to keep things slow and keep his options open?
Author lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I'm also thinking that maybe this LD guy just isn't as interested anymore because we slept together when he came to visit California. He did say, if I lived close to him he would be all over me. But the distance is going to be a challenge. I talked to him on Saturday night and told him that I will take things slow, won't bring up marriage talk, and keep my options open too. That I would still like to try and continue whatever it is that we are doing because I don't know what to call it since we aren't really official or anything or exlusive. He said yes that is fine with him and that we just need to slow down and we will eventually get there. Not sure what he meant by that, but one thing I have noticed is, that he isn't as eager to talk to me or contact me anymore. He used to always want to video chat with me, text or talk on the phone. His contact has slowed down a lot.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 He doesn't want a long distance relationship. Some people are unwilling to deal with them. If you can't date more than one person at a time, you have to date someone other than him unless you are OK while he's off exploring other options. I wouldn't be.
Author lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 He doesn't want a long distance relationship. Some people are unwilling to deal with them. If you can't date more than one person at a time, you have to date someone other than him unless you are OK while he's off exploring other options. I wouldn't be. So is he just being nice and letting me down easy?
Author lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 On Wednesday the 15th of this month it will be 4 weeks since we've been talking to each other. He says it's too much too soon.
Zahara Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 He's long distance, doesn't want to commit, wants to keep his options open, is toning down on contact -- it's hard enough to have a LD relationship, then you add all those other issues -- I would cut my losses and date someone closer and someone who is open to exploring a relationship with you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 On Wednesday the 15th of this month it will be 4 weeks since we've been talking to each other. He says it's too much too soon. I didn't respond to your original thread because it was so foreign to me. He came on too strong in the beginning. He was classically telling you think he thought you wanted to hear. The fact that the concept of marriage was even raised was mind boggling to me. As soon as I read that part of this was started in part because he was in your area for a few days, I assumed it would be a "hit & run". Sadly I think I was right. You were his bowl game fling. Sorry. As for open options, he's basically saying that if you two ever end up in the same time zone again, he'd have sex with you again but other than that, he's not willing to put in any effort. Please don't move across the country for this genius. 3
Author lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Okay, thanks Zahara, I just thought it was me feeling funny about this whole thing. He says he can't commit to someone he just met a few weeks ago. All of that takes time. Before, we met in person and actually slept together, he would say stuff like, "I'm going to kick my roommates out and have you move in with me", "you're everything I want in a wife and would treat you like my queen", "you're my girlfriend", and he would joke around wanting to hear me say my name with his last name together. Now it's none of that talk anymore. I feel so stupid.
Author lionessa_xo Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I didn't respond to your original thread because it was so foreign to me. He came on too strong in the beginning. He was classically telling you think he thought you wanted to hear. The fact that the concept of marriage was even raised was mind boggling to me. As soon as I read that part of this was started in part because he was in your area for a few days, I assumed it would be a "hit & run". Sadly I think I was right. You were his bowl game fling. Sorry. As for open options, he's basically saying that if you two ever end up in the same time zone again, he'd have sex with you again but other than that, he's not willing to put in any effort. Please don't move across the country for this genius. Thank you Donnivain, I needed to hear that it is what it actually is. When I really like someone a lot I tend to make excuses or reasons for their actions. I feel really bad about it but I'll get over it.
Zahara Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Okay, thanks Zahara, I just thought it was me feeling funny about this whole thing. He says he can't commit to someone he just met a few weeks ago. All of that takes time. Before, we met in person and actually slept together, he would say stuff like, "I'm going to kick my roommates out and have you move in with me", "you're everything I want in a wife and would treat you like my queen", "you're my girlfriend", and he would joke around wanting to hear me say my name with his last name together. Now it's none of that talk anymore. I feel so stupid. Of course, classic lines to use on a woman and send her off to lalaland. It speeds him up to getting sex because obviously women give in when they hear all the right words. You went from wife material to keeping his options open. Cut this guy off. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Okay, thanks Zahara, I just thought it was me feeling funny about this whole thing. He says he can't commit to someone he just met a few weeks ago. All of that takes time. Before, we met in person and actually slept together, he would say stuff like, "I'm going to kick my roommates out and have you move in with me", "you're everything I want in a wife and would treat you like my queen", "you're my girlfriend", and he would joke around wanting to hear me say my name with his last name together. Now it's none of that talk anymore. I feel so stupid. This guy is so full of bullsh*t it isn't even funny. What a crock. Hard lesson learned: some men can and will say ANYTHING to get a woman in bed. It worked for him, at your expense. Also, talking about marriage after just a few weeks? That is ridiculous. He is right about one thing - it is too much too soon. Why would that even be on the table? Don't have any more contact with this guy. I think he's very much trying to let you down easy. Take the hint and move on. He isn't worth your time and he's not interested in having a relationship with you.
justwhoiam Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think he wants his cake and eat it too. 1) I don't think marriage talks were out of place, just the way you deal with the subject seems pretty weird, too pressuring, business-like, even the constant talking about wanting a provider gives me bad vibes like you are looking to settle down, have someone to support you and your daughter and you stop working for good, in fact in your mind there are more children (2, 3, 4? How many?) Anyway, it's like you have a clock attached to you clicking fast and feel an expiry date on you. So him or anyone else, what really matters to you is getting married and grow a larger family. Him or anyone else is fine when it's just small talk. But that is not sustainable if you actually want to be with him steady and even pressuring him. It feels like: ok, you want me or not? Otherwise I'm finding someone else to marry me. Hurry up and tell, because I can't wait any longer. Wow. 2) The women at home where he lives are in hope to get married to him. He's probably not convinced about any of them. Maybe they're good wife material: they can cook, do the laundry, take care of the house, they are kind and good mannered, sociable and nice to have next to him. But falling in love is something else. Being attracted sexually is something else. Maybe he's feeling that with you, but he's not sure about your other qualities. Would you be a good housewife? Are you too "spicy" for him? He doesn't know you well, just getting to know you and he's looking for the red flags, and probably saw some of them already. 3) You are not very reliable. You told him up front you would have only had sex with a fiancé, and then had sex with him 6 times on your first date. Without having any real commitment from this man. How can people trust your word or what you think? You seem very volatile. 4) You let him play with you from his very first message on FB. That kind of "pickup" line wouldn't have worked with me. You want to make me smile? Go all the way and make me laugh: dress up like a smurf and take a pic. Duh. 5) I don't think he has commitment issues, he's being very cautious with you because a) you rush into things so much that some extra words from him could get him down into a spiral with you and in no time he'd find himself in a jewelry shop with you picking your wedding ring and b) he's still getting to know you and trying to spot the red flags. 6) If you really want to get married, date men without engaging in sex until when you're sure of the man you're dating. I'd say at least 3 months of dating in person. Also, I understand you have a lot of suitors and that makes for a lot of potential marriage material, but do you click with all of them without distinction? Learn from your past mistakes.
justwhoiam Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 P.S. I don't think it can keep up with 6 times in 24 hours on a regular basis. Would you be fine with once or twice a week?
Els Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 LDRs are hard enough in the best of circumstances, in which two people are fully invested and exclusive to each other. They really aren't worth being in if the other person isn't even willing to commit to exclusivity. Cut your losses.
soccerrprp Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) If a man, has a problem committing to anything, like relationships and exclusivity isn't for them as long as it's long distance. How can we possibly make it work? It can't work. He's not committed to you, so no genuine desire to have a LT relationship with you. Go and try to find someone closer, more committed. I'm in a LDR right now. I must tell you that I would never have thought that possible b/c I never thought I'd buy into such. But, when I started thinking about the possibilities, there was one thing that had to exist for me to go through with it.....a plan of action. This plan could and is not ambiguous. I told my gf that if this happens that ABC must happen. When I finally decide to make the move to her (better that way) that ABC had to happen, otherwise, NO DEAL. I would suggest to anyone thinking about a LDR that there are tangible benchmarks, obtainable expectations otherwise don't do it. Edited January 14, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
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