goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 This is the letter I sent to my ex three days after I found out she was seeing the guy I'd been trusting her to spend 10-20 hours alone each week training with. What do you think, too harsh? "Let me just say that everything I said in my last letter still stands. I won't hide from the mistakes I have made, and the things I could have done better. But if you had problems with me or our relationship, you should have come to me and talked about them. Your first reaction should not have been to think about breaking up with me, and then deciding not to without addressing the problem. I understand now why for months it felt like we were being pulled apart, why it felt like some huge wedge was being driven between us. I didn't want to believe it. I ignored what my heart was shouting at me, because I loved and trusted you, and I wanted you to be happy doing something you loved. But I realise now that all the hours you were spending alone in close physical contact with another guy was just not acceptable for someone in a relationship to be doing. It doesn't matter if there was nothing sexual between you, or you didn't mean for it to happen, or if you truly believe your motives were innocent (although I know his certainly never were). You cheated on me by developing an emotional and physical relationship with another man, all the while wondering why our relationship was falling apart. The fact is you betrayed the trust I had given you. You undermined everything we had in our relationship, the life we had built together. If you felt there were problems you should have come to me and worked through them with me. I don't know if you took those problems to him instead, but I would not be surprised. I now can't help but question everything I thought you were as a person. I know now just how dishonest you were being at the end. I don't know who you are now, but I don't think the Natalie who camped with me at Huia would like what you've become. You are certainly not someone I want a friendship with. I'm done kidding myself. The fact you are with him already shows how little you respect what we had together. I won't let you hurt me any longer. I will always love the person you used to be. But I refuse to waste any more energy on the person you have become. Goodbye *****. May all your dreams come true. PS. Please do not bother responding. I'm not going to waste my energy listening to the excuses you've made for yourself."
mammasita Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Too harsh? Nope, but you just gave her ego a whole lot of boostage, you just let her know how much you really care. Sending letters or texts to ex's is never a good idea. It makes us look weak. 3
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 not harsh, powerful. I hope this brings you some closure
Haydn Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Shes got a big ego now. She probably laughed. You should not have sent that. Now go NC and move on best you can. It will get better but dont feed her ego any more. Too harsh? Nope, but you just gave her ego a whole lot of boostage, you just let her know how much you really care. Sending letters or texts to ex's is never a good idea. It makes us look weak.
Haydn Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Read your threads. Surprised you think this is powerful. not harsh, powerful. I hope this brings you some closure
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I don't think sending that letter has made you feel any better, has it? I think you wanted to send it expecting a response, even though you say you don't want one. Your ex won't care about this letter. She'll forget about what you wrote in about one minute because she has a new life now. I know you want her to feel remorseful, but the dumpers rarely feel remorse. They are so happy to be out of the relationship and starting anew with someone else. The letter reminds her how badly she treated you, but she knows everything that went on. She lived it too, and she plain and simple DOES NOT CARE. This is such a hard and painful lesson for all of us, but it's the truth. I think this is just a reminder to us all that sending an ex a letter like this is never a good idea. But if sending it has brought you any comfort at all, then it was a good thing for you.
mammasita Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Shes got a big ego now. She probably laughed. You should not have sent that. Now go NC and move on best you can. It will get better but dont feed her ego any more. I agree, she probably read it out loud to her new man and they both cracked the eff up. Here's the thing, I get that it helps to get out emotions and we need closure - from within - not our exes. I absolutely ENCOURAGE writing it out. I vehemently (if that even fits to describe my displeasure here) DISCOURAGE sending a damn thing to the ex. They don't care. 2
Haydn Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 yep, Keep it to oneself, correct. I agree, she probably read it out loud to her new man and they both cracked the eff up. Here's the thing, I get that it helps to get out emotions and we need closure - from within - not our exes. I absolutely ENCOURAGE writing it out. I vehemently (if that even fits to describe my displeasure here) DISCOURAGE sending a damn thing to the ex. They don't care.
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Read your threads. Surprised you think this is powerful. I wouldn't have sent a letter like that myself for my own reasons. I know how it feels to have so much unsaid and feel unjustly treated and if he really felt the need to say this to her then it's his choice (which he made before he posted this). Maybe it will help him, maybe it won't - I certainly hope it does. 1
InnocentMan Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 The only letter I've ever sent to an ex, is a short note saying 'have a nice life'. No matter what has happened, nothing good will ever come from going over it. The day someone walks out your life... forgive them, and get on with your life. Easier said than done of course, but you retain your awesomeness, and more importantly, your self respect. 1
Zahara Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 These type of long drawn out "how could you" letters just smell of bitterness. Sometimes best to just accept they're dogshytt and move on. If she had zero conscience when she was doing what she was doing behind your back, chances are the letter won't budge her one bit. 1
mammasita Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I actually did write a 'note' to an ex once. It was left on his belongings that I piled on the front porch for him to come pick up. It said "go fu*k yourself" 3
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 OP, not now, maybe, but in a while, you are soooo going to regret having lowered yourself to such emotional diatribe. It may mean a lot to you now, but unless you can guarantee the kind of reaction you're HOPING it will evoke - write it by all means, if it helps you shed a load off your chest, but.... .... actually sending it? bad idea. 2
pickflicker Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 not harsh, powerful. I hope this brings you some closure Nope. He handed his pride and heart to her on a silver platter, which she proceeded to gulp down like Danaerys from Game Of Thrones. Sending an ex a letter is, was, always will be, an epic fail.
pickflicker Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 http://i.imgflip.com/kl9y.gif At this rate, that's going to be .gif of the year.
Author goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 To be honest, it gave me closure and helped me move on from a lot of the feelings I'd been having regarding her not understanding what she had done. And no, I do not expect or want a response. If I hadn't sent it I doubt I would be in the space I would be in now. I would still be wallowing in the muck I felt when I first found out. Her reaction doesn't matter, just like the I'm sorry letter didn't matter. Oh, and my councillor agrees it was a good way to get closure and now be able to move on in NC. It also means she knows why I do not want to be friends with her (she said she still really wanted to be friends with me), which means I don't have to worry about her trying to come back into my life. And moreover, its closed the door for me as well. I would have to swallow a serious amount of pride to break NC now. And by the by, I did know this person for three years, and I'm quite sure she would not have gotten an 'ego' boost from this. Just like I know there wasn't really intent behind what she was doing (at least until the end), which is why she was so upset that our relationship was failing as well. But even if she did, what does that matter? We're done, what she feels now is not my concern. The letter has helped me, she can take it how she wants.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 To be honest, it gave me closure and helped me move on from a lot of the feelings I'd been having regarding her not understanding what she had done. And no, I do not expect or want a response. If I hadn't sent it I doubt I would be in the space I would be in now. I would still be wallowing in the muck I felt when I first found out. Her reaction doesn't matter, just like the I'm sorry letter didn't matter. Oh, and my councillor agrees it was a good way to get closure and now be able to move on in NC. It also means she knows why I do not want to be friends with her (she said she still really wanted to be friends with me), which means I don't have to worry about her trying to come back into my life. And moreover, its closed the door for me as well. I would have to swallow a serious amount of pride to break NC now. And by the by, I did know this person for three years, and I'm quite sure she would not have gotten an 'ego' boost from this. Just like I know there wasn't really intent behind what she was doing (at least until the end), which is why she was so upset that our relationship was failing as well. But even if she did, what does that matter? We're done, what she feels now is not my concern. The letter has helped me, she can take it how she wants. If her reaction didn't matter, you wouldn't have sent it in the first place. The whole point of sending a note is to get a reaction from it -- otherwise you'd keep it to yourself. Not buying any of this at all. You are on a contact high -- the odds of this crashing down and you feeling either a) hurt that she didn't respond or b) regretful for sending it are high. 3
Author goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I sent this two weeks ago. And it helped, and continues to help. Because she knows exactly how I feel I no longer have to worry about her not understanding why I will not be friends with her. I no longer have to worry about her trying to contact me, and I no longer have an option of contact. Maybe in that way her reaction mattered, but its pretty naïve to think the only reason someone sends a letter is to get a reaction. The simple reason is I sent it for closure, and I now have that. If her reaction didn't matter, you wouldn't have sent it in the first place. The whole point of sending a note is to get a reaction from it -- otherwise you'd keep it to yourself. Not buying any of this at all. You are on a contact high -- the odds of this crashing down and you feeling either a) hurt that she didn't respond or b) regretful for sending it are high.
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I still believe you'll regret it at some point..... I've honestly never 'met' anyone who sent a letter like yours, and didn't regret it..... Good luck, anyhow. 2
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 It's wonderful you accomplished what you set out to do and feel better now. Maybe this just goes to show that one set of rules and advice doesn't suit everyone. It's good you listened to your instincts and therapist on this one. Hopefully, it's all uphill now for you!
pickflicker Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I sent this two weeks ago. And it helped, and continues to help. Because she knows exactly how I feel I no longer have to worry about her not understanding why I will not be friends with her. I no longer have to worry about her trying to contact me, and I no longer have an option of contact. Maybe in that way her reaction mattered, but its pretty naïve to think the only reason someone sends a letter is to get a reaction. The simple reason is I sent it for closure, and I now have that. "PS. Please do not bother responding. I'm not going to waste my energy listening to the excuses you've made for yourself." And yet, you expected her to read the letter detailing what a horrible person she was. Now there's a waste of time. Oh well. Can't be helped now.
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