Jump to content

Still dont understand why I'm fine....


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

About 3 days shy of the two month mark since dday and I feel fine. I cannot explain why I do. Its really kind of scary to me that I dont hurt. Am I really this cold?

 

The pain never really lasted long for me. Honestly, less than a day. That doesnt surprise me though. I've been through so much emotional hell in my life that I have a commanding control over heartbreak. The anger and resentment are still there, although they are diminishing daily. Even the dreaded mental images and movies have nearly ceased to be.

 

At first I thought it was denial, but its not. I dont know what it is. Our MC is in absolute shock and has never seen anyone take this so well. Hell, I'm in shock i'm taking this so well.

 

About the worst thing I feel right now is fear. My world know longer feels safe. That fear makes me withdraw from my wife. I dont pursue her, I squash her thoughts of future plans, and really just have an "i dont give a crap" attitude towards her. This probably turns her on because for the first time since we were dating, I'm her biggest challenge. I think fear will keep me from ever being the way I was with her. Its not the fear of losing her I feel.....I no longer fear losing her and its scary.

 

I would have never imagined on dday that I would be like this 2 months later. I dont understand it and cant explain it. I even "punish" myself at times because I feel like I should be hurting. I try to get mad, try to hate her, try to depress myself, but it never really sticks. Hmmmmm, maybe I am just cold and dead inside.

 

Has anyone taken this knockout punch in life and just get right back up and tell life "you hit like a b-itch" and continue on?

Posted

Your response to finding out your wife is cheating on you is not typical - you know that.

 

If you are able to live your life not feeling any emotional pain it also means you are probably not capable of feeling real joy either. You can choose to get counseling - individual - to work on why you are dead inside and help you change if that's what you want. Or you can just keep trudging through life as an emotional zombie.

 

I don't think discovering infidelity causes every BS the same level of emotional devastation. Especially if they are cheating themselves and/or actually feel that having sex outside of marriage is no big deal. But, since you are still posting here, I don't think you are in this category so it's up to you whether you want to work on your emotional issues or not.

  • Like 1
Posted

I am going to say this, I do NOT want to offend you:

 

Do you or did you ever really love her? Are you or were you ever in love with her?

 

I ask because it sounds like the answer to both is NO. I cannot imagine any man (or woman) finding this out and not being severely hurt for a long time.

 

Basically, I cannot understand your feelings unless you just don't care. And, if you don't, why are you with her........and, most importantly why were you with her before her A?

Posted

You mention that you have suffered other emotional trauma's in your life and have an ability to control yourself. You are also feeling feel a certain amount of fear right now. I see those two things combined are squashing any other real feelings from coming out. You are keeping yourself very tightly contained right now as the environment is not safe enough to release any feelings. Fairly common for men actually. If you ever feel safe enough to do so, the feelings will start to come.

  • Author
Posted
I am going to say this, I do NOT want to offend you:

 

Do you or did you ever really love her? Are you or were you ever in love with her?

 

I ask because it sounds like the answer to both is NO. I cannot imagine any man (or woman) finding this out and not being severely hurt for a long time.

 

Basically, I cannot understand your feelings unless you just don't care. And, if you don't, why are you with her........and, most importantly why were you with her before her A?

 

You know, I have thought about this too. I think I had a case of ILYBINILWY with her. She had become such an ugly person over the past year and a half. Not just with me, but with other people too. Basically, people who contributed to her new MLC lifestyle were treated great, while those who brought her back to reality were not. Maybe I was guilty of checking out from her due to her ugly attitude and not getting my needs met.

 

Thats really the only thing I can attribute it to. Since dday, she is back to being the woman I fell in love with, the woman I married. This is going to sound really messed up, but I may be happier now then the day before dday. She was distant, unaffectionate most of the time, took me for granted, always angry with me, always fighting with me. I didnt love THAT woman she had become. I love the woman she WAS and IS being now. Now we play, we laugh, she is very affectionate, passionate, and loving. Whether or not she stays that way is another story and its why I no longer fear losing her.

 

And no, I'm not rug sweeping anything. Just because I post my feelings on here does not mean she knows how I feel. From her point of view, she still have a lot to make up for. She has to work for my affection, but when she gets it, she gets it good. She has a person who is fun to be around, a great husband and father, but she also knows I'll drop her in an instant if she fails to be the wife I want. Thats why I dont fear losing her anymore. I gave her a second chance, there will not be a third. I've come to terms with leaving if I decide to. I dont fear it.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
to work on why you are dead inside and help you change if that's what you want. Or you can just keep trudging through life as an emotional zombie.

 

 

Whats weird is that I'm not an emotional zombie. I have so much love to give whether it be to my kids or my wife. I'm an extremely loveable person. However, I've developed the ability to just shut down emotionally. Unfortunately it came from years of training....and being a loner while doing it.

 

When I was 18, I was at the funeral of a family member whom I shared a closeness with more than anyone ever. I was also in the middle of dealing with serious depression. Something snapped in me that day. I remember standing and seeing everyone engulfed in grief. I didnt feel a thing. No pain, no sorrow, no tears....nothing. My depression pretty much ended shortly after that day. That was 21 years ago and I've only become stronger to negative emotions.

 

Some people turned to suicide when things go bad, I get defiant. Defiant to god, life, whatever. This defiance in me propels me forward and will not let me stay down. Even though I have no reason to get up off the ground and fight back, something inside me will not let me lie down and die.

 

I seriously cannot explain why I feel the way I do regarding this affair. During the shock on dday, I wondered how I would function again. I would have never imagined I would feel like this.

Posted

Well, that I can understand. Sounds very similar to what led to me getting into a long-distance EA a little over 4 years ago. When my W caught me, she was devastated, but when I told her about the eerily similar things you describe, she started changing immediately. I was wrong, but it did bring a lot out in the open that I should have just told her.

Posted (edited)
Hmmmmm, maybe I am just cold and dead inside.

 

Has anyone taken this knockout punch in life and just get right back up and tell life "you hit like a b-itch" and continue on?

 

 

Well I have reacted differently to different losses. Certainly I have had a response of saying "f u" to certain events that hurt. Also I have shut down (denial or zombie) in the face of a loss. Also cried at some loses. I also responded differently to my first wife’s PA then my second wife’s EA.

 

There was a video recently of some woman - a doctor actually - who had breast cancer - she was in the operating room about to get both her breasts removed - and she made a little funny music video or something - she was dancing around with the doctors and nurses and wanted it for her family and friends. I thought "man - that is crazy different response - then I would have (did) have"... But that was HER way of dealing with her loss. I am not saying it is good or bad - but it’s her way of responding. But perhaps she also had other responses before that video was made - and after. Its not all consistant to a loss.

 

Dead inside is still a type of response. So is anger and indiference.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Author
Posted

Dead inside is still a type of response. So is anger and indiference.

 

I guess you're right. I'm just at a point where my mind will not allow me to hurt and I really do not care what happens between us. I do love her, especially the way she is being right now which is just the way she was for the first few years of our marriage.

 

Its almost as if I'm carefree and not worried about whether or not she loves me. Hell, even if she had another affair today I'd be "F- it! I'm out!" and then divorce her ass.

Posted

I don't know if I really know where you are at but I had to come to a place where I knew I was strong enough to 180 if I needed to. It has been four years since the A and even reading other people's ddays don't bother me when I walk away from the computer. I am happy, healthy and whole and I know if he strays again we are done. It was what I told him and I am a woman of my word. And That doesn't mean I have one foot outside of my marriage it just means I drew a line in the sand.

 

I love him, i know it would hurt if he cheated. But I feel I am better equipped myself should he stray again.

  • Author
Posted
I don't know if I really know where you are at but I had to come to a place where I knew I was strong enough to 180 if I needed to. It has been four years since the A and even reading other people's ddays don't bother me when I walk away from the computer. I am happy, healthy and whole and I know if he strays again we are done. It was what I told him and I am a woman of my word. And That doesn't mean I have one foot outside of my marriage it just means I drew a line in the sand.

 

I love him, i know it would hurt if he cheated. But I feel I am better equipped myself should he stray again.

 

I hear you on that. I took one of lifes hardest punches and I'm still standing. What ever happens from here on out, I know I will still be standing strong.

 

The pain is gone, the anger and resentment are even leaving. However, I do remind myself everyday before she gets home what she did. I will never be as close to her as I was before. I remind myself so that I dont ever get to a point where I fear losing her.

 

I dont even worry about the feeling I used to have that she got away with it. She didnt get away with anything. Even if she never cheats again, if she ever makes me unhappy for an extended period of time, I will leave her. I fight for her now, but I will not fight for her again. I tried working things out and looked for any way to make our marriage better during her MLC and affair. Its taking everything I have to stay now. I do this for the hopes of a better life and a much better wife. However, once this issue is done, I'm done fighting for her. She either shapes up or ships out.

Posted

You have reached a state of indifference. It is not much different from what happens when two people are dating and after awhile one just drifts away. The drifter experienced something (or didn't) with the other person and as they were processing everything in their mine on a subconscious level they simple start to disconnect.

Posted

You're a good man, AP, for letting your WW have another chance with the marriage. I hate to say it because it shows a part of me that I don't like to think about, but I would have NEVER forgiven my wife if she had done what yours did.

  • Author
Posted
You're a good man, AP, for letting your WW have another chance with the marriage. I hate to say it because it shows a part of me that I don't like to think about, but I would have NEVER forgiven my wife if she had done what yours did.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Right now I was just reading another thread where someone posted that men cant get past their wife sleeping with another man. I felt a chill run through my whole body as I pictured her AP inside my wife.

 

Lasted for about 2 seconds before something shut me down and said F- it. Instead of making me hurt or angry, it makes me be more indifferent towards her.

×
×
  • Create New...