Does mentioning your insecurities to your partner actually make them want to cheat?

[Zelias]

I noticed something when reading other people's relationship troubles or insecurities/jealousy here on Loveshack.

 

I want to give you an example, so just bare with me here. Let's say you have a gf/bf. You have been in this relationship for about 6 months. One day, you notice your partner talking to the opposite sex. This is either the ex gf/bf, a random girl/guy, or just someone from his/her friends group. You notice slightly that he/she is being a little flirtatious.

 

At this point, you are giving her/him some space to see what he/she are doing, but your partner never introduces you to this other person, so all you can do is really judge by the looks and the movement of their body.

 

Your partner finishes the conversation and you ask her who that was? she/he replies either with, "Oh, he was my ex, or "Oh, that was one of my friends, or "I used to go to school with him/her, or "Oh, that was my best friends bf/gf." Whatever it may be, you start to get this feeling of being a little insecure and a little jealous.

 

Later that evening, you mention to your partner that you were a little insecure/jealous about that person she/he talked to, and that you would like it to stop. Your partner mentions that, you are becoming jealous of other guys/gals talking to them, or your partner mentions that she/he did not know how you felt and that it made them uncomfortable, and that she/he will stop from doing it ever again, or your partner mentions that you have nothing to worry about because they are attracted to yo only and wants only you.

 

So, you stick either with one of those answers or any other answer similar to some mentioned above and your worries die just a bit.

 

A couple of weeks pass, suddenly your partner is doing stuff without mentioning where they are going, who they are with and accepting Facebook requests from guys/gals you do not know about. You ask your partner where they have been, what they are up to and why haven't they been answering any of your calls or text messages. Your partner makes some excuse and tells you to screw off and mentions your insecurities are up again. Of course, you start an argument and so on.

 

Now, here is my question to you guys, do you think asking questions or mentioning to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable to see your partner talking to other girls/guys a little bit of insecure is a good path to go?

 

In other words, when you mention your insecurities or show jealousy to your partner that you do not like them seeing guys/girls that they don't know about would actually make your partner more likely to cheat on you because since you mentioned it now, you have implanted an idea in their minds that they could and cheat on you behind your back?

 

If you still do not understand what I'm saying, let me put it towards you this way, your gf/bf died in a car accident, you were not driving, someone else was, you were too late to save them, you build a time machine to go back in time and save him/her, you arrive in the past and high jack a car, you have a certain amount of time to reach your partner before they get into the car that eventually leads them to their death. It is raining outside, and you barely can see anything, you also have a blurry vision, you are driving so fast that you hit another car and kill the other passengers. One of the other passengers is your gf/bf. So instead of trying to move on in life after the loss of your bf/gf, you go back in time, try to save them and eventually you end up being the cause for the accident, do you see where I am going with this, if you do, what do you think?

 

I'm curious b/c it seems people make this mistake and eventually find out their partner has ben cheating on them and you don't realize you were the cause of the problem, unless your partner has a history of cheating but we are currently excluding that.

 

Let me know what you think? I'd love to get people's idea on this.

[Emilia]

Now, here is my question to you guys, do you think asking questions or mentioning to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable to see your partner talking to other girls/guys a little bit of insecure is a good path to go?

No, you need to deal with your issues, not unload them on someone else.

In other words, when you mention your insecurities or show jealousy to your partner that you do not like them seeing guys/girls that they don't know about would actually make your partner more likely to cheat on you because since you mentioned it now, you have implanted an idea in their minds that they could and cheat on you behind your back?

It wouldn't make me cheat but I would question whether I would want to be with someone so possessive and controlling. It would be the beginning of the end unless he found a way to get a grip.

[mammasita]

I don't think you should say something immediately, but if you continue to see the same behavior and it continues to bother you - then yes definitely say something.

 

A "normal" person that cares about you should never be driven to cheat. Approach them in a non-accusatory manner and express your feelings.

[2fargone]

Cheating is a choice. A choice I would never take. It is the sole responsibility of the cheater.

 

 

You did not cause this.

[ThatMan]

You cannot make people do anything. My question for you is how can you possibly deem a woman your spouse if you cannot openly express concerns with her? Two people have to treat each other like spouses to be considered as such. If somebody used a simple question as their scapegoat for horrible behavior then she wasn't a very good friend, let alone spouse or lover. Asking questions is neither controlling nor possessive. We cannot make people cheat. People must decide for themselves if they want to cheat and we cannot change that.

 

Jealously isn't right or wrong. We aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. There will always be moments when we feel insecure or jealous. Jealously is just an emotion and how I react and handle my own emotions is all that matters. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to react to jealousy. If my spouse is so closed off from me that reacting to jealously in a healthy manner is impossible, the relationship WILL fail. It's wrong to blame yourself for the actions of other people. There's a distance difference between being hit by a car versus choosing to have an affair. Do not allow people to blame you for their own choices.

 

As for myself, I find it unacceptable to socialize with an ex. My new girlfriend wants to talk with an ex? Fine. She can go right ahead and I'll look for a better woman. Breaking up means there is no unfinished business between you and an ex. Whatever happened in the past should not interfere with your new relationships. If a woman is such good friends with her ex that she communicates with him regularly, then she isn't mature enough to move on from past relationships. It isn't my job to somehow 'fix' her and make her behave the way that I want. So instead I'll focus on what I want - an actually mature adult who is open enough to listen to my concerns.

Edited January 13, 2014 by ThatMan

[d0nnivain]

Your insecurities won't make another person cheat. People cheat for all sorts of reasons having to do with them. They may, however, try to blame you & whatever you were or weren't doing for their choices. It's a crock.

 

If one partner in a relationship is unhappy about the relationship, that person should work to change it or at least break up with the other person to legitimately be free to go do whatever with whomever. That's what I did. I had this really jealous possessive BF who was always accusing me of being unfaithful. I never was but I was flirty. I was always flirty even before I dated him. My behavior toward men he knew did not change once we started dating. His behavior did; he tried to tell me what I could & couldn't do. After a few weeks of him constantly accusing me of cheating I finally said, I can't take this any more. I have never & will never cheat on you but because you don't trust me enough to believe that, I'm breaking up with you. I want to date a man who is secure enough in my love for him not to be bothered by all this petty BS & who loves me for me, warts & all.

[regine_phalange]

I'd think this is very rude and would be feeling more annoyed than insecure. I don't like feeling excluded. Transparency is crucial for me. Shadiness turns me off very much, it's like someone isn't quite happy to be who he is, and about his choices, and is sneaking behind people's backs. All I know is that dirty deeds always have a way to come to the light. The man who will gain and keep my total trust, will be the love of my life.

[MissBee]

I noticed something when reading other people's relationship troubles or insecurities/jealousy here on Loveshack.

 

I want to give you an example, so just bare with me here. Let's say you have a gf/bf. You have been in this relationship for about 6 months. One day, you notice your partner talking to the opposite sex. This is either the ex gf/bf, a random girl/guy, or just someone from his/her friends group. You notice slightly that he/she is being a little flirtatious.

 

At this point, you are giving her/him some space to see what he/she are doing, but your partner never introduces you to this other person, so all you can do is really judge by the looks and the movement of their body.

 

Your partner finishes the conversation and you ask her who that was? she/he replies either with, "Oh, he was my ex, or "Oh, that was one of my friends, or "I used to go to school with him/her, or "Oh, that was my best friends bf/gf." Whatever it may be, you start to get this feeling of being a little insecure and a little jealous.

 

Later that evening, you mention to your partner that you were a little insecure/jealous about that person she/he talked to, and that you would like it to stop. Your partner mentions that, you are becoming jealous of other guys/gals talking to them, or your partner mentions that she/he did not know how you felt and that it made them uncomfortable, and that she/he will stop from doing it ever again, or your partner mentions that you have nothing to worry about because they are attracted to yo only and wants only you.

 

So, you stick either with one of those answers or any other answer similar to some mentioned above and your worries die just a bit.

 

A couple of weeks pass, suddenly your partner is doing stuff without mentioning where they are going, who they are with and accepting Facebook requests from guys/gals you do not know about. You ask your partner where they have been, what they are up to and why haven't they been answering any of your calls or text messages. Your partner makes some excuse and tells you to screw off and mentions your insecurities are up again. Of course, you start an argument and so on.

 

Now, here is my question to you guys, do you think asking questions or mentioning to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable to see your partner talking to other girls/guys a little bit of insecure is a good path to go?

 

In other words, when you mention your insecurities or show jealousy to your partner that you do not like them seeing guys/girls that they don't know about would actually make your partner more likely to cheat on you because since you mentioned it now, you have implanted an idea in their minds that they could and cheat on you behind your back?

 

If you still do not understand what I'm saying, let me put it towards you this way, your gf/bf died in a car accident, you were not driving, someone else was, you were too late to save them, you build a time machine to go back in time and save him/her, you arrive in the past and high jack a car, you have a certain amount of time to reach your partner before they get into the car that eventually leads them to their death. It is raining outside, and you barely can see anything, you also have a blurry vision, you are driving so fast that you hit another car and kill the other passengers. One of the other passengers is your gf/bf. So instead of trying to move on in life after the loss of your bf/gf, you go back in time, try to save them and eventually you end up being the cause for the accident, do you see where I am going with this, if you do, what do you think?

 

I'm curious b/c it seems people make this mistake and eventually find out their partner has ben cheating on them and you don't realize you were the cause of the problem, unless your partner has a history of cheating but we are currently excluding that.

 

Let me know what you think? I'd love to get people's idea on this.

 

Cheating doesn't happen because of an "implantation of ideas"...that sounds like a sci fi movie about sleeper agents, hypnosis and aliens planting chips in your brain to control your behavior. And all that going back in time stuff...OP huh????? Cheating isn't about mind control neither any metaphysical theories or quantum physics and so forth about going back in time...at all. It's far less interesting than that, believe me lol.

 

It's fairly simple that your partner or anyone's partner behaving as you have described partner is RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and doesn't give a crap about their SO's feelings.

 

First off: if I am with my SO and I see my ex especially, I would make sure to introduce my SO as my SO and not be flirting with my ex while my SO is in the corner looking on awkwardly as a no-name stranger. RUDE! Even if I see a friend and I'm with my SO, I'll make an introduction, it's the polite thing to do. So the fact that someone wouldn't do that is already a clue about how much they respect you, i.e. VERY LITTLE!

 

If you have asked your SO not to do something and they agree and then do it behind your back then yell at you about your insecurities --they don't respect you or care.

 

I won't even go into a long explanation of this, as a simple thing will sum it up: you didn't plant any ideas in their mind that they didn't already have. Clearly you only brought it up because they ALREADY exhibited this type of questionable behavior before. So how can it possibly be that it was not at all on their mind until you brought it up when the only reason you mentioned this was because they were already behaving in untrustworthy ways?

[pteromom]

First, I agree that cheating is not your fault. It's 100% the cheater's fault. Being insecure won't cause your partner to cheat.

 

But over-sharing any insecurity you have isn't the best idea.

 

If you see your partner talking to a guy you don't know, you have a right to ask who it was and say "Oh, why didn't you introduce me?"

 

But I would stop short of saying you were jealous or feeling insecure about it unless it is a consistent behavior of hers. You always want to analyze your own feelings, decide if they are valid, and decide if it is worth bringing up before you make everything into an issue.

 

There are only so many issues someone will listen to before they decide this just isn't working.

 

But no, the cheating isn't due to sharing insecurities. The cheating is due to lack of character in your partner.

[Shepp]

Nothing would make me cheat, sharing insecurities or anything else.

 

Cheating is a choice and deceitful betrayal - id never do it, regardless of who I was with or what they shared with me