The_World Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Hello, this is my first post here. I've been lurking in these forums for quite awhile now but i feel extremely low and terrible today and i had no choice but to post here to help me find some answers. This is my situation: I was an immature 17 year old, just entered college and determined to change my life after having been bullied all through high school. I met a 19 year old girl and just after a month we began dating. We were each other's first. At that time i did not know what love was and we were constantly having fights and hurting each other. Sometimes i'd be extremely nice to her and other times i would be mean to her. I did not see her as a person but rather as something of a possession. Something to help fill the void in my life. I am extremely ashamed of the things i did in the relationship. I hit her once after we were arguing really bad. She started crying and i felt extremely bad afterwards and spent the night with her apologizing. The second thing i did was cheating on her to spite her because another guy asked her out and she said yes. Deep down, i was so insecure and afraid of losing her that i didn't even realize these things i were doing was driving her away. A year later,we broke up on my birthday after a heated argument. I didn't want things to end that way. So i called her crying and promised that this time, i'd change for good. She told me we'd probably won't work out anymore but she didn't want to lose me as a friend. I was certain i could prove otherwise. Sure enough, i stopped treating her badly. Started to appreciate her for who she is. Some of my jealous tendencies were still there but overall, i treated her a lot better and we got along really well and never fought anymore. We started to be sexually active again. This went on for a few months. At this point she had become my entire life. I wasn't so interested in school anymore. I was only interested in being with her and how she made me feel. I think i should mention also that we were each other's first everything. When i first started to date her, she wasn't very good looking and had little ambition, but i always encouraged her and tried to make her see how awesome she was (although sometimes i did that a little harshly). Then, she left me for a 27 year old guy out of the blue. I was devastated and i didn't know how to deal with or want to believe that this was happening to me. At this point she had grown to be really pretty and was constantly getting hit on by guys everyday. I lost some of my close friends because i was jealous and felt like they were hitting on her. I cried and begged her not to leave me but she did anyway. I fell into depression. I tried to understand why she left me, why i wasn't good enough. Entered into a self-help phase. And then magically after 2 months, she was back and we started having sex and going out again. I later found out it because the guy treated her really badly, and she came back to me because i was the closest person she could trust. Fast forward another few months, she does the same thing again and leaves me for a 23 year old guy. Told me she has no romantic feelings for me anymore despite having kissed me and having sex with me one week prior to them dating officially. I didn't know what to do anymore. I'm devastated again and i feel like suicide was the only way out. I turned to the internet for answers and decided to go NC. She has tried calling me a few times but i finally told her i needed to move on and that if she is happy with someone else then i'm happy for her. I apologized for the terrible things i did and initiated total NC. Sure enough it has been 2 months since we spoke. She never calls anymore and i feel like everything she told me was a lie. How she'd never forget me, how i would always be her special baby etc etc.. I have so many depressing thoughts and emotions that i am really tempted to end my life. I know its stupid and for the sake of my family i'd never do it. But i'm in a really dark place now. I've lost interest in everything i loved doing. I coop myself up in my room and hide and try not to go to school if i can help it to avoid seeing her. My gpa is only a 3.5 while hers and the new guy she is with have near perfect scores. I compare myself to him constantly. I hate him because he used to be a friend of mine. I feel worthless like everything i did was wrong. That i don't deserve a second chance at life. Just today i read an article about the previous guy she was going out with(the 27 year old dude) in the paper and i felt ****ty again. I am constantly wrecked by guilt over the things i did. Despite trying to make amends and apologizing to her numerous times until she was sick of hearing it. I distract myself with food and video games as an escape and i'm not proud of it. I really wish i could erase the past two years of my life, maybe then i can actually start to build my life back again. I have no friends at school because i used to be an insecure immature dick and now because im a depressed anti-social loser. I'm 19 now. I desperately want to break NC but i know i'll just hear some sugarcoated nice words about how she doesn't want to be with me. Its not worth the pain anymore. I feel like i'd only have another shot when i'm finally living the life i want to live but it seems i'm getting further and further away from that perfect life everyday. I am in a lot of pain and i'm sorry for this extremely long post. Its just that so much has happened and i've only told friends bits and pieces of it and they never fully understood the whole situation. I wish i could just "man up" and start to recover but i can't. Please help me.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Do not kill yourself! That won't solve anything. If you are feeling like you can't get past that, call a suicide prevention hotline; reach out for your parents; seek mental heath counseling through your school. Whatever is wrong can be fixed but you have to be alive & breathing for that to happen. If your goal in breaking NC is to hear kind words, don't do it. You may not get kind words from your EX. Call somebody you know loves you even if it's your parents. You should consider counseling. It will help you with your anger management & your depression. For now, lighten your course load & get yourself some tutors to work on the GPA. 1
Author The_World Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I know i shouldn't. I just don't know what to do anymore. The whole situation feels so helpless. Like i'm condemned to be a loser. I've always had very high expectations for myself. I dunno how i let things become this way.
Bluebelle38 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Hi there Nothing is worth taking your life over - ever. I remember vividly my first breakup, it was many years ago now, but like you when it ended I felt suicidal. I had never felt so low in my life. I truly thought I would never recover but TIME HEALS. I too made many mistakes, but I learnt from them. And I went on to love again, and again. This horrible time will pass. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. We all make them to varying degrees and they make us better people. I wish I could take away your pain, but I cant. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go see a counsellor or call a suicide helpline. You will get through this. Most of us on here and lived through the pain of a broken heart. Take care, you are not a bad person. You will survive this. xxx 1
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I can pretty much promise you that you will have happy times in your life again. Hold on tight to that thought. Be patient. I think that almost everyone out there who has been through a traumatic life event has had the same thoughts as you. But for all these people who have suffered, the pain eventually did work it's way out for better times ahead. And the same will happen for you. Just hang on. Take one day at a time. It is a slow process, but you WILL get to the other side of this! Also, as the previous posters suggested, it is urgent that you talk to a hotline, therapist, family, friends -- please do reach out as there are people in your life who love you and want to help. You are so young and have a beautiful life ahead of you. I've seen dramatic changes in people who were at their lowest point and rose up again to be better and stronger in every way. For now.....please remain NC!.....and go talk your heart out to all those who love you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 What are your expectations for yourself? What are you doing to achieve them? Let's focus on the stuff you do have control over, like your GPA. Do something positive for yourself academically. Once you have feelings of success again, you will feel better. You are not a loser. You just had a temporary set back. It happens to everybody. There's a Michael Jordon quote somewhere about how he lost over 300 games in his career & missed the game winning shot 26 times. There's not a person on the planet who would characterize him as a loser, yet he's failed more times then you even tried. You can & will get through this. Hang in there. 2
portableversion Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 yeah get some therapy, get to church. The physical violence and the jealousy is pretty serious. Also too completely disappearing into another person is dangerous too. To make a relationship work you have to be complete. Yeah sure that is a vague statement that means something different for each person. But for a relationship to work it's not me giving 50% and them giving 50%. It's both people giving 100% to get a total of 200%. And we need the strength and knowledge to recognize when people around us are not healthy and steal from us, and be willing to walk away no matter how good the sex and other things are. Good luck hope you make it, ive been there, really had thought of shooting myself in the tub in my apartment . Not sure how I made it. If you survive it will get better. If you die it's all over, either way tomorrow is better than yesterday. I have no idea if you drink, but if you have gotten drunk in the past goto aa meetings the lessons to be learned from the 12 steps are amazing. And it's free the only requirement to attend meetings is the desire to stop drinking. So many folks could benefit from the 12 steps even non alcoholics. Just tell them you enjoy the buzz from alcohol and want a sober life. Get a sponsor and get on it. All the jealousy , physical violence and weak identity can be solved thru 12 steps. I just say that cause as far as im concerned those items are pretty complex and you will have to go to therapy a long time and spend a lot of money. AA is free, and does the mind body and soul wonders, you can also learn what good love looks like, as opposed to codependency. 1
Author The_World Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I'm not quite sure what to say. Thank you everybody who bothered to read my story and reply. I'm feeling very emotional right now. Thank you. At least someone out there still cares. The cheating and physical violence were both one time things that happened over a year ago. And i don't intend to ever let that happen again. I might still be extremely insecure and jealous but i do believe i've changed those two things about me so i'm not quite sure why i still feel guilt. I have read so many different advice on how to recover after a breakup. I know i need to work on my gpa and my own life etc. But i feel paralyzed. My ex and i used to help each other out doing school work. I'd help her in the subjects she was weak in and she'd do the same. We'd call each other at night to encourage each other. I have only two more months before i graduate and i've never had to do this alone before. I'm really scared i can't do this alone. I also feel like i can't compare to the guys shes been with after me. They are all older, more accomplished than i am. Theres no way i can win her back. I hate this. I hate feeling like a backup but at the same time i find it so hard to live without her that i have entertained the thought of being a backup again. Spineless i know. Thank you all for the encouraging stories. I really do hope that one day i can look back and be proud of how i handled the situation and use my story to encourage others like u all have. But for now, the future looks really bleak. I'm afraid that NC has made her forget me.
BN1990 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Things now will feel crap, It sometimes feels like climbing a ladder , climb a few rungs and get knocked down a few, like 3 steps forward two steps back, but your moving forward, just having bad days. The lows will be less frequent... Focus on becoming there right person instead of finding the right person... i dont think she sounds like a good person and it seems that she is taking advantage of your good nature... She knows that if things went wrong with her current "guy" she can call you... you are her safety net.... At the moment I am my ex's safety net and its hard not to be one because you care so much for them, (i was with for 3 and a half years).. I broke NC and it solved somethings, certain questions, but the over all situation is still the same and she doenst want to be in a relationship... my point being if your ex wanted you back and make it work she would... but she isnt... You are young and you can find someone who will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them... it needs to be a two way street, and unfortunately your ex isnt offering that... As much as guilt goes, you have to forgive yourself... and know that your ex wasnt perfect either... she kept leaving you for other guys and coming back... that isnt nice.. but does she feel guilty? probably not... What ever you deemed as bad or mistakes, learn from them, i felt so much guilt around 18/19 when i ended a 2 year relationship.... but i forgave myself ( not straight away) and then i learnt from it and had a great 3.5 years with someone far betterlooking and amazing... but i made different mistakes... its all learning, and mistakes.. Just remember.. With out failure there would be no such thing as success! 1
StringsAttached Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I was in a similiar situation. The dreaded on/off relationship and I thought about suicide too especially after I found out she left me for a total loser... Fast-forward close to 7 months post-breakup and getting strung along and honestly I can't believe I was even thinking about ending my life for her. Life is a precious gift and you're special even if you feel like garbage. In a few months you'll look back like I am and smile.
mendsley Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 The_World you have to understand your life on this planet is all about experiences, good or bad, and what you learned from them. You struck this chick, you cheated on this chick, well you know what? That does NOT define you as a person! EVERY damn person on this small planet has made serious mistakes! I don't give a shït what they say. Most of those people are too weak to admit the bad shït they've done. But, you have stepped up and are willing to talk about it. THAT in it's self means you are not a weak person, but a man who is willing to admit his mistakes. I give you props for that! You have to understand you WILL make more mistakes, it's a fact of life, but if you sit there and dwell on the things that you have done it will eat you alive. You have to start thinking about setting goals for your future/life. For me, it was to lose my muffin top and tighten my physical appearance because I knew my confidence was affected. Started hitting the gym, eating right and started boxing. Three months later the muffin top is gone, I work out with the local college volleyball team (not creeping, I help train them) and I have seen my confidence shoot through the roof. I am at the point where I can date and I am talking to the most amazing woman I have ever met, life is the best it has ever been. But, three months ago my life was pathetic. After hard work I have conquered my depression/loneliness/low-confidence. Start thinking about thing you can do your improve yourself, it will be an emotional roller coaster, expect that, but tough that shït out and I promise you will be in a place that is ten times better than you ever imagined...that is what life's about...IMPROVEMENT! Peace, Mike
Author The_World Posted January 15, 2014 Author Posted January 15, 2014 Thank you for the encouragement and reply guys. It means a lot to me. I have arranged to see a therapist. Going to see him on monday. I do understand that i cannot keep dwelling on this and have to start to move on. But every night i dream about her and i wake up thinking about her. I hate her. I hate that she can just move on with a snap of a finger and not care at all. All those lies about wanting to be there for me forever, never wanting to hurt me etc etc. I know that i initiated NC but i didn't think she would actually not call me for more than a month. I don't get it. I still don't understand how i meant so little. Things were going good, even though we weren't together. And one day just out of the blue this new guy appears and everything is ruined. On the one hand i want her to be happy and on the other hand i want her to hurt like i did. I don't know how to deal with this cognitive dissonance. I wish i could just as easily forget her like she did to me. I tried my best to change for her and all i got in return was a broken heart. Sometimes being a jerk seems to be more worth it. Its really hard to get through the day.
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2014 Posted January 15, 2014 You can't change for other people. I'm glad you will be getting help. Hang in there!
BN1990 Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Tell me about it! click of a finger and all you had is gone, but we cant change for them or cant change their mind! learn from this the same way i am and Find someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want them.... Hang tight, over time it will get easier! Will make you stronger!
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