PinkIsLove93 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Hi, I'm currently going through a break up that was very on and off - we would split up numerous times (never initiated by myself) and then get back together. Majority of the relationship was very on and off after first year. Was 3 years in total. Since first week of December have seriously broken up (he went away travelling) and i took this time to FINALLY regain my peace and get past this situation once and for all. I guess its important to note that I am completely besotted by this person and often found it very difficult to have NC. I've been feeling awful these past weeks and today, as I am determined to get past this I wrote a pros and cons list of my ex and the relationship in general. I'm sick of looking back with a hazy perspective - remembering the good and selectively forgetting the rubbish stuff Once it got to writing all the positive aspects of my ex I was stuck. I did write some vague comments such as good sense of humour and charming...I got to about 5 characteristics and then I was stuck. I love this guy but why !? I considered loyal but texting other girls is notwhat I call loyal. He wasn't trustworthy and yeah he was charming and fun but surely other chararistics such as loving and caring are needed more in a boyfriend and he was only like that when it suited him. All the good aspects of him were not consistent. When it came to the negative list, I had so many traits including selfish, indecisive, stubborn and jealous. Now im sat here feeling like a complete and utter mug. How have I put up with somebody so bad for so long? And why does a part of me want him back !? Although I know it's not rational and its my mind attempting to get my fix. I actually feel ashamed of myself for letting somebody treat me so badly for so long and not even properly realise. Can anybody give me any advice on how to cope with being in love with a complete idiot !?! 3
True Gent Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I can totally relate to your situation. I made a list of pros and cons for my ex and I was stunned by how many cons there were compared to pros. She has displayed a very selfish side yet I still completely and utterly love her. You cannot just turn your feelings off, no matter how much they hurt you. This is something I'm learning. It's going to take time that's all. 1
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I join you, Pink and True, in completely relating to this tragic and skewed thought process. The scales are weighted far, FAR more heavily on the negative virtues of my ex. Freakishly out of balance. I sometimes reread old chats and only then can I remember, right there in black and white, the actual proof why I should not be with that man. The charming, generous and funny is excruciatingly outweighed by the crazy, mean and arrogant. Worst of all, his womanizing ways, which he told me about from day one. That I still want him to come back to me, even though he has been with the woman he left me for over a year now, makes me question my sanity. Knowing full well that even if we got back together, things would be the same. It is so illogical and self-abusive that it frightens me.
True Gent Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Love is illogical LadyM. It's something beyond our control. Our heads say one thing, the reasonable thing and our hearts say the completely illogical thing. Hearts and heads are in constant battle I think. 4
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Love is illogical LadyM. It's something beyond our control. Our heads say one thing, the reasonable thing and our hearts say the completely illogical thing. Hearts and heads are in constant battle I think. I'm thinking you're right, True Gent, but I'm not liking it!!
True Gent Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I'm thinking you're right, True Gent, but I'm not liking it!! Me neither. It's good to know others are going through it too. It helps 1
Author PinkIsLove93 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 LadyM, I do the exact same thing. He has sent me some really nasty texts before and I actually make an effort of saving those texts so during one of my weakest moments I can look back with PROOF of what an idiot he is. I've got to admit, I believe there is a certain 'type' of man who strings women along, giving them just enough to hold on but never enough commitment. Hence why i held on for 2 years AFTER it was not working..with a lot of words from him and not much actions. I'm sure women do this too.. But me and my friends often talk about these kind of men. I never want to experience another male like this again *sigh* I also argree TrueGent that head and heart is a constant battle. Your heart always wants to give in and theres your head trying to be logical. It would be SO easy for us to get into contact with our exes right now but our heads know that its not going to get us anywhere and sometimes, we have to focus on improving our lives and an improvement does not lie with my ex. That is what my head is saying at the minute, despite my heart being in so love. Very difficult situation! 2
StringsAttached Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 You don't choose who you love. It just happens. I never thought i'd end up falling in love wit a promiscuous, 'super religious', fundamentalist ex drug addict but there it is. Jotting down the pros and cons was an awesome idea. When you're madly in love you're willing to overlook a lot of things about your S/O. Things you wouldn't overlook if you were sober.
Author PinkIsLove93 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 You don't choose who you love. It just happens. I never thought i'd end up falling in love wit a promiscuous, 'super religious', fundamentalist ex drug addict but there it is. Jotting down the pros and cons was an awesome idea. When you're madly in love you're willing to overlook a lot of things about your S/O. Things you wouldn't overlook if you were sober. I argree. I got the idea to write a pros and cons list from a self-help book and I can't believe what a difference it has made. For the past month or so I have been thinking about how much I miss my ex, how much I miss spending time together then I write this list and I was amazed! I think back to the last couple of months of our relationship when we 'spent time' together and they were not fun at all!! So what was I pining after !? I've had very selective memory during this break-up and I think its time I remembered the absolutely awful times that I would never want to happen ever again! Would definitely recommend it to anybody who is stuck on an ex. 1
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