regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I have this friend, L. whom I really love. We have been friends since I can remember my self (more than 20 years). L. has been with her boyfriend for 1 year. It has been a bit rocky between them. He has been jealous of her past relationships/lovers. He has also told her that he wants to have sex with other people too. She broke up with him and my opinion was that she did correctly and most likely he won't change. The breakup didnt last long though. Now they are together again. L. called me today and asked me if she moves in with him that I go see her often. She was almost panicked! Is this normal? I told her that she has to think about it very well and if her gut tells her not to do it, then she shouldnt. She only said that she needs to be cautious. I sense that he has pressured her. I asked her to tell me immediately if in the future he treats her bad, in any way. I'm very concerned. Is it normal that a girl is panicking with the idea of moving together with her boyfriend? I think it isn't, but on the other hand I don't have much experience with that.
Els Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Not normal at all. If she is panicking then she should not do it. If you were just acquaintances, I'd tell you to leave her be, but if you have been close friends for 20 years, I think you owe it to her to sit down with her and encourage her to talk to you about it.
Author regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Not normal at all. If she is panicking then she should not do it. If you were just acquaintances, I'd tell you to leave her be, but if you have been close friends for 20 years, I think you owe it to her to sit down with her and encourage her to talk to you about it. Thank you, you are right. We dont live close any longer, but I also feel that I have to have a longer talk with her, even by phone. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 You have to tread lightly here, even though you are right. If she thinks you hate her BF, she may pull away from you & then she won't be able to come to you when things get really bad. If he has already said he wants to have sex with other women, things will get bad. Ask her lots of questions but don't be judgmental. Ask what she's afraid of? Ask about costs & division of chores? Ask what her plan is if he throws her out. Ask about the other women. Ask what the resolution of past issues has been. Make her think but don't outright tell her that she shouldn't do this. Where is her family in all of this? 1
Author regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 You have to tread lightly here, even though you are right. If she thinks you hate her BF, she may pull away from you & then she won't be able to come to you when things get really bad. If he has already said he wants to have sex with other women, things will get bad. Ask her lots of questions but don't be judgmental. Ask what she's afraid of? Ask about costs & division of chores? Ask what her plan is if he throws her out. Ask about the other women. Ask what the resolution of past issues has been. Make her think but don't outright tell her that she shouldn't do this. Where is her family in all of this? Thank you, I also feel I have to be inquiring but not pushy in any way. Thank god I haven't characterized her boyfriend. I liked him when I met him and I told my friend. When they had the problems I was saying that probably they are not a good match and there isn't as much respect in the relationship. She knows I will be there for her, even when I don't agree with her choices. About the other women; he never strayed (or at least my friend never discovered something). I told her that maybe he said that out of insecurity since he was jealous of her experiences. But still it was very hurtful for her, and just not nice. She felt that she was just an object to him. He has told her he wants to marry her, but I told my friend that either he doesnt fully understand the weight of this sentence, or he wants an open marriage. I'd hate to see her compromise in such a way, knowing that she is a monogamist. When they reconciled, she put her terms and conditions on the table before proceeding, and he accepted them. I do want to learn more about the moving in thing. I will have a talk with her very soon. They won't move in together in the close future because he is fulfilling his military service. Her family is even farer than I am. They are very good people. They are on good terms, but she was never very open with them. They know her boyfriend too, but not the details.
nescafe1982 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Well, I think there is the normal kind of panicking about big changes like this..... and then there is your friend's case. Her level of panicking seems to demonstrate that she knows this is a bad idea. I agree with Donnivain. You can be a supportive friend, but you have to tread lightly. her BF may be pressuring her to move in, but you can't stoop to his level and pressure her not to. If she's going to make this decision, she needs to make it for herself. I would talk with her, help her explore her options, but ultimately let her voice her own decision. Even if she makes the "wrong" one, and moves in with this guy, you can stay in her life and hopefully be a supportive presence. Generally speaking, has she shacked up with a boyfriend before? Sometimes this matters. She may not understand how much cohabiting will make leaving harder, if it comes to that.
Author regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Well, I think there is the normal kind of panicking about big changes like this..... and then there is your friend's case. Her level of panicking seems to demonstrate that she knows this is a bad idea. I agree with Donnivain. You can be a supportive friend, but you have to tread lightly. her BF may be pressuring her to move in, but you can't stoop to his level and pressure her not to. If she's going to make this decision, she needs to make it for herself. I would talk with her, help her explore her options, but ultimately let her voice her own decision. Even if she makes the "wrong" one, and moves in with this guy, you can stay in her life and hopefully be a supportive presence. Generally speaking, has she shacked up with a boyfriend before? Sometimes this matters. She may not understand how much cohabiting will make leaving harder, if it comes to that. Thank you nescafe. I also wont feel comfortable pressuring her about anything. She is the kind of person that needs to makes mistakes (like me). Yes she has lived with one for some months. It was quite bad actually. He didn't contribute to the house expenses and in the end he almost stabbed her. In the end she managed greatly though. Could be that she is hesistant because of that as well.
nescafe1982 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Yes she has lived with one for some months. It was quite bad actually. He didn't contribute to the house expenses and in the end he almost stabbed her. Oh my, she's got quite the picker, doesn't she? That sounds terrible! Hopefully, with a little luck, her nerves will win out and she will decide not to move in with this one. But yeah, as you said, we generally have to make our own mistakes in this stuff. Lord knows I've lived with a couple not-so-choice boyfriends.
Author regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Oh my, she's got quite the picker, doesn't she? That sounds terrible! Hopefully, with a little luck, her nerves will win out and she will decide not to move in with this one. But yeah, as you said, we generally have to make our own mistakes in this stuff. Lord knows I've lived with a couple not-so-choice boyfriends. I know what you are talking about, I almost moved in with one of those as well. Now, 3 years later, I dont feel comfortable with the idea of living together with anyone. And of course I had some precious "rational" people telling me not to go live with him! Yes, I think she never had what she deserved when it came to boyfriends... She has the tendency to put her self second. On the other hand, when she becomes sure that the man doesnt love her as much, she doesnt look back.
Author regine_phalange Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 I'm back for a small update; I had a lengthy phone call with my friend. 1) She said she was stessed out because she wanted to be a good roomate (I'm not sure she believes her own words, I don't believe them either. I think she is stressed out because he doesnt feel the same as her anymore) 2) She told me that he said the "friends with benefits" thing again. To be more exact, he said he wants to live with her as friends with benefits . 3) She said she is very much in love with him and wants to experience it, no matter how hurt she may end up being. 4) She told me that he said "I love you" within he first week of meeting her. She said it a year later. In the beginning he went (too) crazy about her, she kept her cool, fell hard for him a year later. 5) I told her the following; He is very immature and unstable emotionally, one day he says x the next day he says z. They cant make an adult conversation. He doesnt respect her at all by mentioning the FWB thing That if they live together she is going to suffer from jealousy for her boyfriend turned FWB That I know this isnt what she wants and I dont want to see her settle like this and make herself a doormat. I practically begged her to keep her dignity. Even though she didn't get mad at me for saying those things (she knows Im right), I don't think she will listen to me.
darkmoon Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) I waited to hear the M word, these live-ins are quite loose arrangements, I saw a red flag then, an open relationship only works if the two people are discreet (nobody wants to feel hurt) and confident (nobody wants to fret over being second best) I have the T-shirt, btw, it's where we ended up, drifted to, commitmentphobes your friend should tear up the guy's rule-book and go for companionship on a few dates with others, you know, nice meals, walks, movies, open but not as he seems to assume at least she is not preggers at home with him opening up elsewhere Edited January 24, 2014 by darkmoon
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