realfriends Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I just woke up, had a thought and couldn't go back to sleep so decided to write about it here. Everyone on here says that when you meet with your ex for reconciliation, not to bring up you past relationship because it is dead. Im not sure entirely about this. There would be a lot of things I would say pertaining to the old relationship that would help me decide if I truly can give it another go or not. I know right now, if I was to meet her, Id still have questions about the affair, about trust issues, about being second best. How can one truly move forward if these types of questions are not answered. Seems like history would just repeat itself. Also at the same time, it feel like I would look like I'm not healed and that I'm going to hold this over her head forever.
Fufu Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I just woke up, had a thought and couldn't go back to sleep so decided to write about it here. Everyone on here says that when you meet with your ex for reconciliation, not to bring up you past relationship because it is dead. Im not sure entirely about this. There would be a lot of things I would say pertaining to the old relationship that would help me decide if I truly can give it another go or not. I know right now, if I was to meet her, Id still have questions about the affair, about trust issues, about being second best. How can one truly move forward if these types of questions are not answered. Seems like history would just repeat itself. Also at the same time, it feel like I would look like I'm not healed and that I'm going to hold this over her head forever. This just means you are not ready to establish a reconciliation because there are still underlying issues that you can't get past with. And I know it's hard especially if there are factors like cheating and lying. And very often, people just no longer able to accept it. If you can't, don't force it. And a reconciliation doesn't mean a revisit to an old relationship, it is entirely a brand new relationship. Meaning both individuals want to be together happily and eventually doing the right things to make the relationship work. Don't settle for a relationship if you are not emotionally/mentally ready. It's gonna suck your life out and make you feel miserable.
Kevin_D Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 And a reconciliation doesn't mean a revisit to an old relationship, it is entirely a brand new relationship. Does it really matter? Before I enter a new relationship, the first thing I do is to find out as much as I possibly can about my potential partner's past relationships. If it turns out that she cheated on her last boyfriend, I would never get together with her, because that means that she might as well cheat on me. However... this topic should only be brought up when it's obvious that she wants to get back together. I think it's perfectly fine to be honest about the trust issues.
thompkevin Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Well, when you meet your ex you should not bring up your past relationship simply because there's a lot of negativity associated with it. And when you meet them, you want to have a fun time which will make them attracted to you again and possibly want to reconcile. There's a time to talk about the past relationship and that's when your ex also wants to reconcile. At that moment, you should talk about what's important for you in the relationship and what you expect from them.
BC1980 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I think most of the advice on not bringing up the old relationship is meant for first meeting with your ex and the initial stages of reestablishing the relationship. A lot of this advice is BS or intended for years down the line when you aren't hurt/don't care anymore. At some point, it seems that you would need to discuss the problems of the old relationship. From your post, I think you are worrying about things that you don't need to focus on right now. If you are worried about cheating or lying from your past relationship, you are not in the head space to worry about a second chance.
Winter blue Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 I think I'm kinda in a position where the OP described, that you are wondering about the possible second chance by not bringing up the old relationship when you meet up with the ex, at the same time, should you really not to address those issues that caused the breakup. Because if you act like that wasn't a big deal when in fact it's still hurting you, the ex might think what they did wasn't that bad.. At the end of the day, if those issues were not brought up on time, the dumper might again take you for granted? I have been thinking about what to say if my ex asks for another meet up (she asked once before Xmas but I declined). Half of me still angry at her for what she did, the other half says I should let it go and give her another chance should she wish the same (not that I'd initiate anything). So far she has not brought up one word about the past relationship, neither did I and I will never do so unless she shows clear intention on reconciliation. As another poster said, you will have to bring the past issues up at some stage should you be seriously thinking about reconciliation. But for the first meeting up after BU, make the conversation light and short is the way to go.
Author realfriends Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 This is all hypothetical of course because I'm never expecting my ex to talk to me again, I just like to do my best to be prepared for any situation I am faced with. I always thought before being on this forum, that the only way I would talk to her again was if she asked to talk about getting back together and only if it was in a private place where we can discuss what we need to discuss because its bound to get emotional. After coming on here, it seems like people just go out to a typical date night and catch up like almost nothing happened. Almost like you are just a friend again, or just setting your heart up to get smashed again. I know I'm not healed, I'm only about 3 months B.U and roughly 50 days NC but if we ever met up, how am I not supposed to bring up things that caused the relationship to fail. Im not going to jump back in with someone who has no regrets, who just wants to start brand new and pretend nothing happened. I would need to know answers to questions that would decide if I can really do it and if its worth it. For example, my ex cheated on me, said it was only once when I asked, but I feel like I need to bring that up again and make sure because although I have no clue where I stand in giving second chances, theres a big line between a one time **** up and a repeat offender. Also, once we met after our breakup, she said she doesn't know if I'm the one. I would have to bring that up as to how does she know that and bring up how she plans on solving trust issues and how we would work going into graduate schools. Theres a lot of questions that I would have that all fall back from when our relationship failed and if I am forced to eat them, how am I ever supposed to give a second chance. I would feel so much trapped inside me and it would never work. Once again this is all hypothetical and I'm probably giving too much thought about my ex than I should be but it happens.
Fufu Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Does it really matter? Before I enter a new relationship, the first thing I do is to find out as much as I possibly can about my potential partner's past relationships. If it turns out that she cheated on her last boyfriend, I would never get together with her, because that means that she might as well cheat on me. However... this topic should only be brought up when it's obvious that she wants to get back together. I think it's perfectly fine to be honest about the trust issues. I kinda think you get what I meant in a different perspective. I'm trying to say is that there are some couples who re-conciliate, but they rely too heavily on what they had before and ended up not focusing on the "present" situation and eventually ruined the relationship again. Of course, it is completely fine and essential to be honest and clear about each other's trust issues. And completely fine if any party still doesn't feel right about the individual (especially if there are any cheating involved)
AlexfromBoston Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 If you're willing to give this cheater a second chance(I wouldn't) then you really shouldn't bring up the past if you two should meet again. Essentially you need to start fresh and treat it as a new relationship. Wipe the ol' proverbial slate clean and give it another go. But if you're asking such questions on a public forum, that tells me that you cannot get past her cheating(don't blame you). So, in my humble opinion, kick her to the curb, go NC and work on yourself. Become a ripped, masculine stick of sexual dynamite and have fun...make her regret the day she f*cked you over.
pickflicker Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 Does it really matter? Before I enter a new relationship, the first thing I do is to find out as much as I possibly can about my potential partner's past relationships. If it turns out that she cheated on her last boyfriend, I would never get together with her, because that means that she might as well cheat on me. However... this topic should only be brought up when it's obvious that she wants to get back together. I think it's perfectly fine to be honest about the trust issues. It reeks of insecurity when guys and girls do this. It's such a turn off. When the first few dates turn into an interrogation - urgh.
Author realfriends Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 If you're willing to give this cheater a second chance(I wouldn't) then you really shouldn't bring up the past if you two should meet again. Essentially you need to start fresh and treat it as a new relationship. Wipe the ol' proverbial slate clean and give it another go. But if you're asking such questions on a public forum, that tells me that you cannot get past her cheating(don't blame you). So, in my humble opinion, kick her to the curb, go NC and work on yourself. Become a ripped, masculine stick of sexual dynamite and have fun...make her regret the day she f*cked you over. I really have no clue if I would or not. It doesn't make sense to but sometimes when push comes to shove, my mind changes its thoughts but I don't think it will ever become push come to shove time. I just don't understand how that happens. I get it on one perspective, but on another, it seems like I am forced to sweep what she did under a carpet, lock it up in my deepest secrets and pretend like nothing happened. Thats what I don't get. It did happen and it would need to be brought up. Most people to to a relationship counselor and talk about it so I think in my opinion it makes sense. And btw, I have. Have picked up volleyball, doing IM dodgeball, back to the gym this semester(last semester was to hectic), and doing a 5k coming up. I feel better everyday and think less and less about it.
Author realfriends Posted January 16, 2014 Author Posted January 16, 2014 It reeks of insecurity when guys and girls do this. It's such a turn off. When the first few dates turn into an interrogation - urgh. May I ask why should you not be insecure. Someone literally ripped your heart out and spit on you. Theres reason to be insecure
AlexfromBoston Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 I really have no clue if I would or not. It doesn't make sense to but sometimes when push comes to shove, my mind changes its thoughts but I don't think it will ever become push come to shove time. I just don't understand how that happens. I get it on one perspective, but on another, it seems like I am forced to sweep what she did under a carpet, lock it up in my deepest secrets and pretend like nothing happened. Thats what I don't get. It did happen and it would need to be brought up. Most people to to a relationship counselor and talk about it so I think in my opinion it makes sense. And btw, I have. Have picked up volleyball, doing IM dodgeball, back to the gym this semester(last semester was to hectic), and doing a 5k coming up. I feel better everyday and think less and less about it. Personally man, if I were you, I would stay single and go on a tear. I don't know you personality, nor do I know your personality, but if you have any success with women I would capitalize on that. Go out and have fun and keep her in limbo. I promise you, if you have some fun with some other girls, a few night stands, you will feel much better about the situation. Sure, your ex cheated on you, but you just had sex with multiple girls while you were ignoring your ex.
Kevin_D Posted January 16, 2014 Posted January 16, 2014 It reeks of insecurity when guys and girls do this. It's such a turn off. When the first few dates turn into an interrogation - urgh. My ex did this to me and it made me really happy, because it showed that she did have some integrity (at least at the time ). She wouldn't sleep with me until she knew what she was dealing with. Sadly, these girls are hard find nowadays. And you know, what you call insecurity, I call intelligence. You see, really bright people realise their own limitations, while stupid people believe that they could achieve just about anything if they just fight for it hard enough. Asking these questions before entering a relationship is definitely a sign of intelligence. It proves that you've mastered impulse control. You're willing to ditch something that might be very alluring at the moment, because you realise that it will probably lead to bad results in the end. Studies have shown that intelligent people are much better at impulse control. And chimpanzees are terrible at it.
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