mc_v3r Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months, we're both in our early 20's and things have been going well. Recently he told me that he was engaged to his last ex (they had been together for a long time) and they broke it off only a few months before we met and started dating. My concern is that I've never really had a serious, long-lasting relationship before this one. (I am not a commitment-phobe, it's just that previous relationships never really seemed to be getting anywhere). I knew he was in a long relationship before I came along, but didn't know it was for so long or that he was actually engaged! I am still discovering what it means to be in a relationship where you are not just 'more than friends'. Knowing that he has already been through this with someone else, whom at some point he imagined spending the rest of his life with, is making me feel like he has to wait for me to catch up on what really goes on in a relationship. He has never said anything which pressures me. Rather, he told me he's happy that he is my "first real boyfriend" and was quite excited about it. Nonetheless, I feel like I'm holding him back, as I seem to be taking things slower than him; not because I don't want our relationship to grow stronger, but because all these feelings are somewhat new to me. I can't get the thought of him comparing me with his ex out of my head. He never said he does so, maybe he doesn't, but it's difficult for me to think he doesn't after so many years with her and considering they broke-up not so long ago. I feel like I suddenly have extra weight on me, which I think I'm just putting on myself. I feel like I have to surpass a bar/standard or something and I don't want this to affect my behavior towards him. What can I do?
Philosoraptor Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Do you trust that he is over his ex and fully invested in your relationship? If so, then you do nothing. He's left it in the past and is in this journey with you. His past is meaningless to your current relationship. If he's invested in you then that's really all that matters. So get this imaginary weight off of your shoulders and enjoy your time together like he seems to be doing with you. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 You aren't holding him back. This is not a race. You found a guy who isn't afraid of commitment. Focus on your relationship. Enjoy discovering new things about each other. Don't worry about what he did or didn't do in the past. That's easier said then done. My husband had planned to propose to his EX. He had the ring in his pocket the night she announced that she wanted to see other people. {ouch} I will admit that when he proposed to me, I was dying to ask if my ring was bigger. (yes, I'm that shallow. It was also 10 years later & he had a much better job now). Knowing me as well as he does a few days after the engagement DH assured me that I got the better ring & the better proposal. He ended things with her for a reason. He's with you now. Focus on that. 3
darkmoon Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 quit talking about your bad points with him dear, sooner or later, you will find that you have talked him out of lusting after you, give yourself a break from the paranoia, just be
CarrieT Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 You are only in your early twenties... Wait until your late 20s to get engaged and see how differently things look after you have finished becoming adults. 1
Author mc_v3r Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I needed to hear some opinions other than my own, and you helped I do trust he is invested in our relationship even though I know they still communicate sometimes. He knows I know, and generally tries to cut their conversation in short, but given the situation, I don't believe it's something I should worry much about. As for the waiting till we're older; I agree we're still in our early 20's, I have no intention of rushing into things. So I'll enjoy being with him and spending our time together. But CarrieT thanks for sharing the link, it was an interesting read!
Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 You are too young to worry about being called a commitment phobe. When you are in your 40's and never married maybe then. Trust that this man is fully over his ex as likely he is. When people go all the way to being engaged, then break it off, odds are the relationship has really run it's course. At your ages, odds are the relationship has just run it's course. As others have said, don't rush into being engaged or married. We all know more people who got married in their early 20's who regretted it by their mid 20's. We all know some people who are in their 50's who married in their mid-late 20's and who are quite happy. Very few who marry as young as you do. That is because as has been pointed out.... You are only in your early twenties... Wait until your late 20s to get engaged and see how differently things look after you have finished becoming adults. That story tells about how your pre-frontal cortex, the part of your brain just behind your forehead, hasn't fully developed yet. That is where long term consequnces are weighed. Just take your time and wait together. Wait at least a year or two to get engaged and don't get married before 25 or 26. At any age the shortest anyone should wait for marriage is a year. Just IMHO.
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