Tib Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Dear loveshack, Its been only two days since my breakup but reading this forum has already helped me substantially by stopping me doing something I might regret. This relationship was my first proper love, we were together technically for 18 months. I say technically not because we've been on and off but because 6 months into my relationship I was deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months. She was caring, supportive and stead fastly agreed to stand by me while I did my duty. These 7 months were tough for her and I missed some of the most important events in her life; her graduation and her first job as a teacher. 7 months passed and I was home, but it was not the home I once knew. We both claimed the other had changed, and on my part I admit I did ever so slightly. I was always the passive partner in our relationship, I'd avoid arguments no matter what it stirred in me and I'd let her get away with murder. I wanted her to be happy. But when I came back this changed, or I changed, I lost the same tolerance I once had, and I wouldn't say I became intolerant, in my view I became the level you would expect any member of our society to be . However , I think she changed more, I couldn't seem to make her laugh, or enjoy life the way we once did. We wouldn't play fight and we wouldn't joke, work became her life and I became an annoyance. The new me raised this as a problem. Christmas was upon us and she talked to me about how we weren't working, and I said I'd change, and I did. Every request she made I altered. I even pushed the boat out and requested that she became more fun, the person I remembered. But looking back now this was where it was over, it no longer mattered that I changed my ways, the course was set, disaster was looming. 2 days ago it was, she broke up with me, she said I'd become immature, she said it was the one thing I prided myself on and the one thing that frustrated her the most. My heart tore open, I did my best at this point to salvage my dignity and hold back my tears, tears all to evident to her. I haven't cried since my childhood, a fact she well knows. I asked her if her decision was unwavering, she said that of course it was wavering. I believe at this point I had my chance , it was there , I could have guilted her into changing her mind. But I didn't, I've seen two people in an unhappy relationship my entire life and for the very same notion that I wanted to stay with her, it was the reason I couldn't, I loved her. So I asked her if she thought I could ever make her happy again, she said no. I wanted to go to her but I mustered every strength in my body to bow out, I turned and left. It's the first time I've felt something like this and it's hard, the truth is that I'd do anything to get her back, but with the help of this forum I'm trying to convince myself that might not be a reality. People say they've changed I'm these circumstances and for me that's an interesting concept. When I got back from Afghanistan I decided to leave the army and join the police, I had 3 months leave as a result, leave while she was breaking her back to keep up with work, the fitness I once prided myself on plummeted and I spent my days with my feet up. When we met I was juggling the army, volunteering and my fitness, I had drive, something I think she found immensely attractive. My drive hasn't gone , and it looks like everything is coming along nicely with the police, but it was on hold, for what I considered a well earned break. I'm changing that now, I'm back on the path I was before, whether it's for me or because I'm still deluded it will help me win her back I'm not so sure but either way it is for the better. As for the immaturity? It's hard to say, I think I'll always enjoy to playfight and seek out fun but after a long hard days work that's not what she wants. I can now see myself growing up, I can picture myself being the mature boyfriend she wants me to be, and I regret that I wasn't. I know I'd definitely be that person if she took me back, but I have too much turmoil in my head right now to decide if that's the person I want to be, even if it's the person I could/would be. She is the best person I know yet her flaws are a plenty , flaws that only blur into nothing having broken up. All I see is her face, the prettiest face there is. In fact one of the more painful aspects has been seeing a picture of that very pretty face smiling away , happy as Larry with a drink in her hand out with friends on a social networking site several hours after it happened. I wish that I could take this so well Now probably the reason I'm here like so many before me . The advice I've had from family and friends is the same advice I see on these forums throughout, it's the same I expect to hear from your members now. Move on. So , is that what I have to do ? Do I fight the feelings of wanting her back ? Or do I fight to get her back? I'm good at fighting for a cause worth fighting for and no effort will be spared, but which is it? Ive already refrained from making contact which is hard as it is. But should I at some point? When? Do I try taking her for coffee in x amount of time from now and see if she still feels the same way? These forums are great and not something I'd traditionally entertain, but I had to know there's other people who feel the way I do. And even if no one replies to this, well those moments I can't get her off my mind, like this one have been spent constructively , I've spent that time instead of thinking about her, writing the novel you see before you, so if I get nothing else from it, it's killed a bit of time keeping busy. That's me over and out Edited January 13, 2014 by Tib
Haydn Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Hey Tib, You put this across so well. Your feelings what you want etc. I think you are a smart guy and it won`t take long for you to get back on your feet again. You compromised to the point of changing really who you are (I did the same). This forum was crucial to me in a time of darkness and the range of advice and opinions was so useful. Stay here a while and read some of the threads, there will be a lot you can relate to and a lot that may help. Take care. Dear loveshack, Its been only two days since my breakup but reading this forum has already helped me substantially by stopping me doing something I might regret. This relationship was my first proper love, we were together technically for 18 months. I say technically not because we've been on and off but because 6 months into my relationship I was deployed to Afghanistan for 7 months. She was caring, supportive and stead fastly agreed to stand by me while I did my duty. These 7 months were tough for her and I missed some of the most important events in her life; her graduation and her first job as a teacher. 7 months passed and I was home, but it was not the home I once knew. We both claimed the other had changed, and on my part I admit I did ever so slightly. I was always the passive partner in our relationship, I'd avoid arguments no matter what it stirred in me and I'd let her get away with murder. I wanted her to be happy. But when I came back this changed, or I changed, I lost the same tolerance I once had, and I wouldn't say I became intolerant, in my view I became the level you would expect any member of our society to be . However , I think she changed more, I couldn't seem to make her laugh, or enjoy life the way we once did. We wouldn't play fight and we wouldn't joke, work became her life and I became an annoyance. The new me raised this as a problem. Christmas was upon us and she talked to me about how we weren't working, and I said I'd change, and I did. Every request she made I altered. I even pushed the boat out and requested that she became more fun, the person I remembered. But looking back now this was where it was over, it no longer mattered that I changed my ways, the course was set, disaster was looming. 2 days ago it was, she broke up with me, she said I'd become immature, she said it was the one thing I prided myself on and the one thing that frustrated her the most. My heart tore open, I did my best at this point to salvage my dignity and hold back my tears, tears all to evident to her. I haven't cried since my childhood, a fact she well knows. I asked her if her decision was unwavering, she said that of course it was wavering. I believe at this point I had my chance , it was there , I could have guilted her into changing her mind. But I didn't, I've seen two people in an unhappy relationship my entire life and for the very same notion that I wanted to stay with her, it was the reason I couldn't, I loved her. So I asked her if she thought I could ever make her happy again, she said no. I wanted to go to her but I mustered every strength in my body to bow out, I turned and left. It's the first time I've felt something like this and it's hard, the truth is that I'd do anything to get her back, but with the help of this forum I'm trying to convince myself that might not be a reality. People say they've changed I'm these circumstances and for me that's an interesting concept. When I got back from Afghanistan I decided to leave the army and join the police, I had 3 months leave as a result, leave while she was breaking her back to keep up with work, the fitness I once prided myself on plummeted and I spent my days with my feet up. When we met I was juggling the army, volunteering and my fitness, I had drive, something I think she found immensely attractive. My drive hasn't gone , and it looks like everything is coming along nicely with the police, but it was on hold, for what I considered a well earned break. I'm changing that now, I'm back on the path I was before, whether it's for me or because I'm still deluded it will help me win her back I'm not so sure but either way it is for the better. As for the immaturity? It's hard to say, I think I'll always enjoy to playfight and seek out fun but after a long hard days work that's not what she wants. I can now see myself growing up, I can picture myself being the mature boyfriend she wants me to be, and I regret that I wasn't. I know I'd definitely be that person if she took me back, but I have too much turmoil in my head right now to decide if that's the person I want to be, even if it's the person I could/would be. She is the best person I know yet her flaws are a plenty , flaws that only blur into nothing having broken up. All I see is her face, the prettiest face there is. In fact one of the more painful aspects has been seeing a picture of that very pretty face smiling away , happy as Larry with a drink in her hand out with friends on a social networking site several hours after it happened. I wish that I could take this so well Now probably the reason I'm here like so many before me . The advice I've had from family and friends is the same advice I see on these forums throughout, it's the same I expect to hear from your members now. Move on. So , is that what I have to do ? Do I fight the feelings of wanting her back ? Or do I fight to get her back? I'm good at fighting for a cause worth fighting for and no effort will be spared, but which is it? Ive already refrained from making contact which is hard as it is. But should I at some point? When? Do I try taking her for coffee in x amount of time from now and see if she still feels the same way? These forums are great and not something I'd traditionally entertain, but I had to know there's other people who feel the way I do. And even if no one replies to this, well those moments I can't get her off my mind, like this one have been spent constructively , I've spent that time instead of thinking about her writing the novel you see before you, so if I get nothing else from it, it's killed a bit of time keeping busy. That's me over and out
Author Tib Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 So 2 days after writing my original message I crumbled , I rang her up and told her all the things I'd change, I don't seem to regret it the same as others do as in my head I had to try. Here's where I need the advice, she told me to go away and work on me. She said she would meet me in a month and even though she said it was very very unlikely she said she might take me back. The carrot on the stick was set . Since then I have worked on me, threw myself into my volunteering again and just returned from a last minute skiing holiday. Now a month is almost up and I've remained no contact since that phone call. I keep telling myself it's over but I allow myself to hope. What do I do now, contact her again to arrange the meet? Continue no contact? My friends are now convinced there's another man and as a result I'm toying with the idea too, she continued to tell me how hard the second part of Afghanistan was for her and I treated her like a saint but nothing mattered as in my friends theory she'd met someone. I still love her but as stated I'm at a loss as what to do, advice would be appreciated. Tib
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