Armyguy123 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Anyone ever have that AHA! moment after rethinking and replaying events out for many months about what you could have done differently and what your ex said you did wrong to push them away.... just to realize...that NO! WAIT JUST A MINUTE!....all of these things you said were untrue, everything that went wrong was caused by you and you projected them onto me! It was always you! Not me! Now I look back at everything without regret knowing that I did absolutely nothing wrong and in fact was doing most of the work, caring, compromising, and loving. Kind of depressed me to finally realize this, after many agonizing months of depression where her words really sunk into me. IT WAS ALL JUST A B*LLSH*T COPOUT TO LIE TO HERSELF IN HER MIND AND JUSTIFY WHAT SHE DID. It's a relief to finally have this feeling that I did nothing wrong, and that I shouldn't change, and that in fact I am a pretty damn nice guy compared to most in the way I treat women. I hope others will come to this moment in time. 4
H245 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I hope to get there in time myself. So far it's been less than 2 weeks since my BU. I am trying to let it sink in that I didn't mess up in the relationship, but that she did. I treated her like gold whereas previous men treated her like crap. I don't know how long it will take before I get the AHA! moment, but I really hope it's sooner rather than later. This woman was not worth it at all, but for some reason I am having a hard time letting that sink in. Maybe because I still love her or something.
Kevin_D Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Yep. I had it today. When we first met, I was very insecure and quite immature. That made me jealous. I'm the first to admit, that combined with alcohol, I would say rather stupid things to her. However, I always apologized shortly afterwards. And she seemed so understanding, which made me feel safe. But a couple of years later we started fighting again. And I realised, that this time it wasn't me. I tried to be mature, but she would keep pushing my buttons and insult me until I said something stupid. And then she would punish me for it. The conversation could be like this: Her: "Haha, you're so pathetic, you know that? Give me a break." Me: "Let's talk tomorrow. We're both upset. I don't want to fight." Her: "Oh, so you don't want to talk about it? That's very mature, haha!" Me: "I'm sorry, but you're not treating me very well right now. I don't think we're getting anywhere tonight." Her: "Oh, so now I'm a bad girlfriend?! Well that's interesting, because most people think I'm kind of perfect actually." Me: "You're acting like an idiot right now. We'll talk tomorrow." Her: "DID YOU CALL ME AN IDIOT!?! THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE!!! YOU DON'T CALL ANYONE THAT, YOU HEAR ME!?!" And after that, I had to apologize. She would claim that I couldn't handle my emotions and that I couldn't discuss things without getting angry and calling her names. Since I behaved pretty badly during some arguments our first years together, I was only natural for me to take the blame. But now I realise...SHE initiated these fights. She would insult me and I couldn't do anything about it. - If I walked away I was immature - If I told I told her that she was being unfair, she would say how mean I was who insinuated that she was a bad girlfriend - If I insulted her back, she would forget about everything else and use that line as weapon against me - forever. Even though I thought that she was unfair many times, I always thought that some of this was my fault. Until today. If she only had said: "I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad mood today. I didn't mean to hurt your. Here, let me give you a hug." Then everything would have been okay. But she could never apologize for the hurtful things she said to me, because I was such a bad guy so I deserved being treated like that. The funny thing is, a few days later, she could tell me how she wanted to be with me forever and make me the happiest men alive.
WYSWYG Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 ^^^^ Funny how that is.... From what I gathered most guys like to avoid talking in the heat of the moment to avoid saying anything unintentional out of anger and wait til the mind is clear. Most women on the other hand see this as avoiding the issue or poor communication. Goes to show how we're wired differently. So, I have those AHA moments but not sure if she sees it the same way. I don't know any compromises. In retrospect, I had my screw-ups but most of them we're reactions to what she instigated. I have to admit that the closer you get to somebody, more buttons are w/in reach and easier to push. There was definitely a better outcome on those times when I didn't engage her and remained silent while she was mouthing off. It's a good lesson learned.
goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Arg, yeah, except it wasn't such a great moment for me. It was when I realised that we'd been drifting apart not only because of things that I was doing, but because she was spending more and more of her time and energy with her acrobatics partner(a guy). It was up to 10 to 20 hours a week alone together by the time she left me, It was stupid, but I guess I just loved her so much that I wanted to trust her with him, because she loved doing the acrobatics so much My aha moment that she had left me for him came when she rung me two months later to tell me they had been dating (prompted by a christmas present I'd sent her - i'd had my novel self published for our anniversary, and still wanted to give it to her - which had a dedication telling her no matter what our future, I'll always love you. Three days later I wrote her a letter explaining why I thought she'd been emotionally cheating on me, that if she had problems with the relationship she should have come and talked to me, and that I couldn't be friends with someone that would do something like this. I told her she has changed, because she'd been doing something she had always despised herself. I ended by telling her I would always love the girl she used to be, but I would not waste anymore energy on the girl she had become. And then I told her I hoped all her dreams came true. Which is actually an old curse, because when all your dreams come true, you have nothing left to live for. But she won't know that, it was just for my own satisfaction. Anyone ever have that AHA! moment after rethinking and replaying events out for many months about what you could have done differently and what your ex said you did wrong to push them away.... just to realize...that NO! WAIT JUST A MINUTE!....all of these things you said were untrue, everything that went wrong was caused by you and you projected them onto me! It was always you! Not me! Now I look back at everything without regret knowing that I did absolutely nothing wrong and in fact was doing most of the work, caring, compromising, and loving. Kind of depressed me to finally realize this, after many agonizing months of depression where her words really sunk into me. IT WAS ALL JUST A B*LLSH*T COPOUT TO LIE TO HERSELF IN HER MIND AND JUSTIFY WHAT SHE DID. It's a relief to finally have this feeling that I did nothing wrong, and that I shouldn't change, and that in fact I am a pretty damn nice guy compared to most in the way I treat women. I hope others will come to this moment in time.
radiodarcy Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Boy have I ever - - that was pretty much when I hit my anger phase ;)without it, I probably never would have gotten over him. 1
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