Being the 'other woman' in America, compared to other countries

[Lady2163]

The older I get the more good naturedly I think American OWs get screwed...

 

I've spent time in the Philippines. I still don't understand how divorce happens, it's illegal, but an annulment isn't.

 

Anyway, how is was in the late 1980s to early 1990s (I stumbled upon a group of BWs talking once and I think they delighted in my horror when they explained it to me). These are their stereotypes - not mine

 

Most BWs of that time were happy if their husbands came home at night and didn't rub their nose in the fact they had a girlfriend.

 

Now, the OWs responsibility was to keep the MM happy in the bedroom, not make waves and not get pregnant.

 

The MM was to treat the OW lavishly. If she casually mentions her TV isn't working, presto, change-o, the next day a new TV is delivered. Whenever he sees her, he comes bearing a gift of some kind, flowers, jewelry. He takes her out for dinners and to certain events only. He has the responsibility of knowing his wife's schedule and that they won't wind up at the same place.

 

An additional OW responsibility is to to keep her mouth shut. She is never to tell the wife, nor tell intimate details to her friends. She is to accept the fact that the lavish gifts are hush money. She is not to whine when he cant be there on holidays. Often after the affair is over, the OW sells the jewelry and is able to start a fresh life.

 

One of the BWs joked how whenever she was feeling some rancor (almost always toward the husband, they actually had sympathy toward the OW) they would jerk his chain by calling the office and insist he be home that night for some lame reason.

 

It never fails to amuse in America me how little in general WS actually "give" to the Other. They just assume the Other is supposed to have some kind of misplaced honor and accept it when it comes to an end. There's no need to bring little gifts - definitely not big gifts. I swear, if some of them could get away with it, they would say, "my affection and my penis are all that you should need from me, my good woman!"

 

Of course, we (as the OW) sell ourselves short when we accept the pittance they offer us.

 

I believe it has changed a bit in the Philippines. I think now the men have legal separation agreements with the first wife and usually go have a second family.

[Eggplant]

Most BWs of that time were happy if their husbands came home at night and didn't rub their nose in the fact they had a girlfriend.

What was the social status of women? What alternatives did they even have?

[goodyblue]

This wasn't true of my relationship at all. Is it true of most other affairs in America? I was treated VERY well while I was the OW. Now that we are together, I'm treated even better. With much love and respect, honor and kindness, and gifts... we have a life together, he takes care of me. I've never really heard anyone complain of not being taken care of when you are the AP. I'm really curious to know if it is true...

[MissBee]

This wasn't true of my relationship at all. Is it true of most other affairs in America? I was treated VERY well while I was the OW. Now that we are together, I'm treated even better. With much love and respect, honor and kindness, and gifts... we have a life together, he takes care of me. I've never really heard anyone complain of not being taken care of when you are the AP. I'm really curious to know if it is true...

 

Really??? It's all around LS.

[Speakingofwhich]

Really??? It's all around LS.

 

Do you think the content OWs aren't on LS for the most part?

[Lady2163]

The women in this scenario were all mothers, all college educated, some worked outside of the home, some didnt. They were wealthy.

 

I was young when I was there. I had an affair with a "divorced" man. Only when I found out what divorced meant in his definition compared to my definition, it was over.

 

One time we spent the night together. He had a meeting the next morning, he said, "I feel so bad I didn't have time for breakfast, here is some money so you can get something to eat."

 

It was five times the amount of what breakfast would cost.

 

I was so naive, I tried to give him the change.

 

I'm not sure how many married men I've been involved with in my life. There may have been several who were pulling the wool over my eyes. Yet, most of them have been more car sex than 5 star hotel sex. Most have been tight with a dollar rather than generous.

[Revolver]

There are "side chicks" in America that are living a better life than many "wifeys". It depends because each situation is different

[Shepp]

Affair partners.

People in affairs.

People sleeping with a guy/girl who has pledges his/her loyalty and love to another women/man.

Complaining about not being treated well enough i.e. bought presents in return for there silence.

 

Is that really what this thread is about?

wow...!

So then the guys not only betraying his wife but also giving their hard earned money away to another girl - that's got to be a double slap in the face! Worse if he has kids that that money could be being spent on.

 

 

 

The affair partners described in your OP in the Phillies - I assume the man earns most if not all the money in those scenarios? Whats the difference between them and a personal hooker thou? If the dudes paying for her and her silence?

[Lady2163]

Compared to countries where you would stoned to death for being an OW, I think American OWs have it pretty good. There are, however, some countries that treat having a 'mistress' as an accepted norm, but they tend to be more accepting of polygamous/polyamorous family structures in general. For example, in Thailand, men often have a mia yai (major wife) that they are legally married to and a mistress called a mia noi (minor wife). In Thai culture, it is not culturally acceptable for a husband to speak to his major wife about his problems, so the mistress acts as an acceptable outlet for emotional relief. The mistress is not usually hidden from the major wife, but the mistress does not live in the same household as them. In some ways, the husband acts like a "sugar daddy" to the mia noi. He is expected to help pay for the place she lives, her bills, and other expenses. A husband rarely leaves the major wife for the mistress, and the wife rarely asks the husband to leave the mistress (although that is slowly changing as women become more and more financially independent and capable of surviving a divorce).

 

Thanks laurels, that was interesting to me.

 

Shepp- this was moved from the OW thread. I do think American MM who cheat, get off pretty easy compared to other cultures.

 

You do realize in the case of the Philippines and Thailand, we are probably talking about the very wealthy?

[Els]

 

You do realize in the case of the Philippines and Thailand, we are probably talking about the very wealthy?

 

Then those women probably made the decision to not push the issue because they did not truly care about the man and thus it didn't matter if he had a mistress on the side. They were getting a lavish lifestyle out of it regardless of his fidelity or lack thereof.

 

You will find it to be the same all over the world. People who are married for reasons other than love generally don't care as much about fidelity.

[Trimmer]

Affair partners.

People in affairs.

People sleeping with a guy/girl who has pledges his/her loyalty and love to another women/man.

Complaining about not being treated well enough i.e. bought presents in return for there silence.

 

Is that really what this thread is about?

Hah, my thoughts too...

 

The older I get the more good naturedly I think American OWs get screwed...

To get screwed.... cheated out of things to which one would normally be entitled.

 

But to deserve something, to be "screwed" or cheated out of it, doesn't there have to be some standard of expected behavior that isn't met? Something you should get - something you are inherently owed - that you are screwed out of?

 

 

So in essence, you are proposing that OW deserve a certain kind of treatment (gifts, cash, plasma TV upgrades based on accurate mind-reading...) - that this is a standard that American culture fails to meet.

 

 

I would propose that the general standard in American culture is that OW/OM should not exist; there isn't really a place in the social strata that accommodates or legitimizes them. Not to say that they don't actually exist - I am firmly acquainted with reality - but if we're talking about social standards of entitlement, then no, American culture doesn't really acknowledge any particular legitimate social standing for OW/OM. As a result, there is no general standard for what they "deserve", and no basis to analyze how one might be "screwed" out of what one is due.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Trimmer

[Eclypse]

Unbelievable. Other Women comparing how they get treated, like they are princesses. And as I suspected, not a single thought spared for the wives of those men, most who are unaware their trust is being destroyed and being exposed to STI's.

 

Why is it so hard to find a single man? Or do these women get a thrill out of home wrecking?

 

To have an affair is one thing, but I just don't understand this.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Eclypse

[FitChick]

I had a divorced friend who preferred dating married men because they treated her well, bought her things and she could kick them out at the end of the evening and didn't have to put up with their bullcrap.

[Got it]

The women in this scenario were all mothers, all college educated, some worked outside of the home, some didnt. They were wealthy.

 

I was young when I was there. I had an affair with a "divorced" man. Only when I found out what divorced meant in his definition compared to my definition, it was over.

 

One time we spent the night together. He had a meeting the next morning, he said, "I feel so bad I didn't have time for breakfast, here is some money so you can get something to eat."

 

It was five times the amount of what breakfast would cost.

 

I was so naive, I tried to give him the change.

 

I'm not sure how many married men I've been involved with in my life. There may have been several who were pulling the wool over my eyes. Yet, most of them have been more car sex than 5 star hotel sex. Most have been tight with a dollar rather than generous.

 

 

Sounds more like the Soprano's than I would say is normal across the US.

 

I think there are all different kinds so while mine wasn't like this by any stretch . . . . I don't know it wasn't that complicated, just like a relationship.

[Trimmer]

I had a divorced friend who preferred dating married men because they treated her well, bought her things and she could kick them out at the end of the evening and didn't have to put up with their bullcrap.

Heh, it's kinda like how some people really enjoy having nieces and nephews (as opposed to children of their own) because you can go over and be fun Uncle Trimmer when it's convenient for you, and then hand them back to their parents when you're done and you need to get back to your life.

[mario_C]

I had a divorced friend who preferred dating married men because they treated her well, bought her things and she could kick them out at the end of the evening and didn't have to put up with their bullcrap.

I can do that too. And I'm single, as in not betraying a loving wife's trust.

[SolG]

To me that type of arrangement where there is money, gifts and services exchanging hands sounds more like a courtesan or a kept woman; where it's an occupation/transaction as opposed to a relationship.

 

I struggle to see how any self respecting OW--I know some would call this an oxymoron!--in this day and age would need that kind of mercenary material validation :-/ I find the concept of needing someone's trinkets and material support in an affair degrading.

 

While on OW and America... Did you know that adultery is illegal in 23 states? I only just found that out not long ago and find it fascinating that this is the case in a secular democracy. Wonder if this is something OW/OM over there ever consider?