rosedl Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I don't know why I can't just get angry and let go! He broke up with me last February. Blamed me for it. Then, came back, three months later. He had all the great insights and really seemed to regret the break up. Everything was great until October. Dream boyfriend, great. Supportive, loving, attentive, generous. But, then I was struggling a bit, and we had a couple fights but we talked about it. But, then, it started all over again. The hesitation, the back tracking, the distancing and wanting space. At first, it was just to deal with finalizing his divorce (they were living apart and separated for ten years before I ever came along, I had zero to do with the split), but soon he was doing the same routine as before. Saying maybe he had made the wrong choice and going on about how some freedoms take priority over intimacy for him (nothing to do with other women). It was the same thing all over again. He wouldn't see me over the holidays, and finally I just called him out and told him that this is just the same cycle as before and it is about his issues around commitment and staying in relationships. He has struggled with it his whole life, I have come to understand through what he has revealed about past relationships. This is not the first time he has done this with a woman, and I know now he has gone so far as to seek out relationships with unavailable women (i.e. married) to avoid getting himself into a commitment. After all this heart break and the big push pull cycle, you think I would just hate him at this point. Especially since he blamed me for questioning the relationship instead of owning his repeating cycle. It was so confusing. We were super close and involved, two weeks before he started the cycle, he was using the word forever. Then, I don't know if this is going to work out. I don't use the term commitment phobic lightly. We were friends for a year and a half before this began, we know each other really well. I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal, I just didn't want him to repeat this cycle again and we could never talk about making future plans without him going over all the stuff he didn't want to lose and felt he had to protect from me. I never asked him to give up his hobbies or his time, he told me he made these decisions by choice and then, it seemed he resented me. He had his freedom, he did basically what he wanted. And, if something happened one time, he defined it as ALWAYS happening. We had one bad day of travel out of the twenty or so, we had together throughout the relationship, it was ALWAYS terrible to travel together and a disaster. It became that way with everything. In any case, he did the exact same thing he promised he would not do when we reconciled. He left again after only five months at the first bump in the road. He is like a different person when this happens. He becomes arrogant, dismissive, invalidating. Like, why are you so upset? We aren't all that important in the big scheme of things. I think because I was so close to him and everything was going well, and then, he knocked out my knees with a pipe iron, it has been hard to get my footing. Part of me loves him and I am heartbroken. I feel stunned. Maybe it is naive since he did it before. But, I never had been through the cycle before and I thought the reconciliation was sincere. But, he backtracked on most of what he said when we reconciled as well. I feel like an idiot.
margot13 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I think you need to turn it around. Are you the idiot for believing in someone you care about? Are you an idiot for putting trust in the person you loved? Are you an idiot for giving someone a second chance? These are all wonderful qualities. Don't feel like an idiot. I know it is sometimes hard not to, but you believed in someone that is not the definition of an idiot. Sounds to me there was a lot more going on in his life than he was prepared to share with you. You might have just got a lucky break, imagine if you fell more into his chaos???? Just think he has now given you the chance to meet someone that is worthy of you. 1
mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Even if you love him, it looks like you two being together is just going to end up with more hurt. Cutting him out of your life might be the best thing to do BECAUSE you love him.
LostConfused123 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I don't know why I can't just get angry and let go! He broke up with me last February. Blamed me for it. Then, came back, three months later. He had all the great insights and really seemed to regret the break up. Everything was great until October. Dream boyfriend, great. Supportive, loving, attentive, generous. But, then I was struggling a bit, and we had a couple fights but we talked about it. But, then, it started all over again. The hesitation, the back tracking, the distancing and wanting space. At first, it was just to deal with finalizing his divorce (they were living apart and separated for ten years before I ever came along, I had zero to do with the split), but soon he was doing the same routine as before. Saying maybe he had made the wrong choice and going on about how some freedoms take priority over intimacy for him (nothing to do with other women). It was the same thing all over again. He wouldn't see me over the holidays, and finally I just called him out and told him that this is just the same cycle as before and it is about his issues around commitment and staying in relationships. He has struggled with it his whole life, I have come to understand through what he has revealed about past relationships. This is not the first time he has done this with a woman, and I know now he has gone so far as to seek out relationships with unavailable women (i.e. married) to avoid getting himself into a commitment. After all this heart break and the big push pull cycle, you think I would just hate him at this point. Especially since he blamed me for questioning the relationship instead of owning his repeating cycle. It was so confusing. We were super close and involved, two weeks before he started the cycle, he was using the word forever. Then, I don't know if this is going to work out. I don't use the term commitment phobic lightly. We were friends for a year and a half before this began, we know each other really well. I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal, I just didn't want him to repeat this cycle again and we could never talk about making future plans without him going over all the stuff he didn't want to lose and felt he had to protect from me. I never asked him to give up his hobbies or his time, he told me he made these decisions by choice and then, it seemed he resented me. He had his freedom, he did basically what he wanted. And, if something happened one time, he defined it as ALWAYS happening. We had one bad day of travel out of the twenty or so, we had together throughout the relationship, it was ALWAYS terrible to travel together and a disaster. It became that way with everything. In any case, he did the exact same thing he promised he would not do when we reconciled. He left again after only five months at the first bump in the road. He is like a different person when this happens. He becomes arrogant, dismissive, invalidating. Like, why are you so upset? We aren't all that important in the big scheme of things. I think because I was so close to him and everything was going well, and then, he knocked out my knees with a pipe iron, it has been hard to get my footing. Part of me loves him and I am heartbroken. I feel stunned. Maybe it is naive since he did it before. But, I never had been through the cycle before and I thought the reconciliation was sincere. But, he backtracked on most of what he said when we reconciled as well. I feel like an idiot. First of all. . . . YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!!!! You are awesome!!!!! We ALL feel like this at times. Love is a CRAZY emotion and makes even the most "logical" people feel the most illogical feelings. I would recommend hardcore NC! It's really tough at first but you will definitely get to the anger stage sooner this way (feels so much better than the sad stage) I'm sorry you are hurting so much! Give yourself a break. It really hasn't been that long. You will start to feel better HUGS!!!!
LostConfused123 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I think you need to turn it around. Are you the idiot for believing in someone you care about? Are you an idiot for putting trust in the person you loved? Are you an idiot for giving someone a second chance? These are all wonderful qualities. Don't feel like an idiot. I know it is sometimes hard not to, but you believed in someone that is not the definition of an idiot. Sounds to me there was a lot more going on in his life than he was prepared to share with you. You might have just got a lucky break, imagine if you fell more into his chaos???? Just think he has now given you the chance to meet someone that is worthy of you. Yep. Exactly!!! 1
Author rosedl Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I guess I feel like an idiot because he did it to me before and really broke my heart. I took him back. I believed he wouldn't do this again. I just disregarded this side of him and believed all of his apologies and regrets. And, he did the exact same thing all over again. I know we cant be together. He clearly doesn't want a committed relationship and I cant keep going through the 'I adore you' 'GO AWAY' cycle. I am just so sad.
mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I guess I feel like an idiot because he did it to me before and really broke my heart. I took him back. I believed he wouldn't do this again. I just disregarded this side of him and believed all of his apologies and regrets. And, he did the exact same thing all over again. I know we cant be together. He clearly doesn't want a committed relationship and I cant keep going through the 'I adore you' 'GO AWAY' cycle. I am just so sad. It hurts to see someone you love and want to help be happy be scared to let you try. Don't feel bad about giving a second chance. 2
Author rosedl Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I think harder then just this break up...it is the culmination of exhaustion with relationships.
jennifermariecole Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Rose - this man DEFINITELY has commitment issues. I've spent quite an extensive time studying them and I've noticed that normal men, if they realise they don't want to spend the rest of their lives with you, will leave and stay gone. Commitmentphobes however, dither over their decision - coming back, leaving, coming back, leaving for as long as you'll allow it. It's up to you to NOT allow this in your life anymore. I know you love him - but please just be selfish and know that this is not your fault, that he is unstable, and that there's nothing you can do to change him. Then cut all contact for your own sake, and stick to it. I've been through the exact same experience as you, except my boyfriend was around my age (mid-late 20's) and your story could literally have been written by me. Mine dumped me quite a while ago now and I still feel the pain from time to time - I honestly believe this is the worst kind of breakup possible, other than being left by one's spouse for someone else. I go through it every day. You might enjoy my blog - Tissues & Issues | All about commitmentphobes and the women who love them.. I created it to help women like us, so I hope it brings you a little peace. If you ever want to chat, please do PM me.
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