Author mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Well, I think there's a pretty good chance you are right about all or most of that. I never really thought of it that way. Thanks.
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I found out a month ago that my ex started a relationship with his co-worker (my friend) two weeks after he ended our 5 year relationship. This was three months ago. I got the news from a friend and it did set me back. He cried and cried. Told me he loved me etc. during the break up. And then nothing. Not even a reply when I politely asked for my stuff back (which he would've gotten right away if I planned on entering a new relationship). Met his new gf on new years eve. She said there was nothing between them before we broke up and that he talks about me a lot. That sucked. I don't know if his strategy was to make it easy on me or whatever but a person that doesn't do the right thing after FIVE YEARS is a coward in my eyes. You're allowed to do whatever you want when the relationship ends, but when it was on good terms then you should have enough respect to do the right thing. I'm seriously starting to think he was crying etc. because he was uncomfortable, not sad. Point is - you, I and everybody else going through a BU does NOT deserve a second blow when we're starting to get better. It's unfair and tells alot about the character of the other person. 3
goldfighter3 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I feel exactly the same way man. We put all our trust in someone that we believed with all our hearts deserved that trust. For me, I'd always maintained in the relationship that we were best friends, family even, and that when we had problems that meant we worked on them together. After that long together it doesn't make sense to do anything else. That she gave up and went off with the guy I had trusted her to spend so much time with just shattered that trust. And that is still the most painfully thing for me, that I could have misjudged her so much. Does it make any sense that almost as bad as the breakup hurt, it hurts that up until I found out the REAL reason she dumped me, I thought she and I were building a friendship (that's incredibly naïve I know, but gimme a break, it was my first love and I didn't find this site until January), and that we still maintained the trust we had in the relationship? Not only did it hurt to have to re-evaluate the breakup, but I also realized at that point I lost my ex as my friend, my confidant, someone I could trust. Plus, I lost my "friend" who I thought I was starting to get close to. I'm not saying I could have been friends with either of them had they told me the truth, but if she would have said "we need to breakup because we want different things in terms of kids, and I am in love with someone else" instead of just the kids part, at least there would be a possibility for the future. I don't know, maybe it's not a big deal to value trust, since who can anyone really trust? But, it meant a lot to me to have someone in my life who I felt we could tell each other things we were afraid to tell even ourselves. I don't know, I am only just starting to realize the magnitude of what I lost. I hope it hits me soon, so I can move on faster.
Author mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I'm seriously starting to think he was crying etc. because he was uncomfortable, not sad. Yeah, when she dumped me she was crying, kissing me, telling me she loved me. She told me that if I was gonna drink, she wanted me to promise I wouldn't drive anywhere. I wonder if all that was because she felt guilty about lying to me about why she was doing it.
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I know my ex and I know he can not stand somebody not liking him. He was sooooo afraid I was going to hate him and break up with him if we continued seeing each other (he had some personal issues which affected me). Now his martyr way of breaking up just seems like a big way of him saving his own ass. I have no respect for him. And sometimes I really do hate him. I would rather go through this 10 times again than to pull this sh*t on someone I've had in my life for so long. There is no logic in this. If they couldn't give us the truth and be decent -they didn't care enough about us. If they didn't care enough about us - why stay so long? (He lost his time, not I because I loved and cared) If they did care - well then this is just a s*itty and self-centered thing to do and says a lot about them not us.
pickflicker Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I hope you are right. I want to forgive her, but on the other hand I feel so betrayed. I feel like she knew me well enough to know that the truth would have been better in the long run. Wouldn't it make it so much easier to not want her back if she did it to hurt me? But deep down I believe she isn't that kind of person. I think it's very easy when people get dumped, to become extremely jaded and bitter. Don't allow yourself to become that.
Author mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I know my ex and I know he can not stand somebody not liking him. Wow. This describes my ex perfectly as well. Maybe our exes should meet up? It would be interesting to see two people motivated almost completely by the fear that the other won't like them be in a relationship. I don't know if they would be really good or really bad for each other. I thought I was great for my ex because when she faced her fear and told me things that I did that upset her or made her sad or mad, it made me love her even more. Only at the end did I realize there were a lot of things she held back, like that it disappointed her greatly that I didn't spend more time with her family. I had no idea! She never talked to me about it! There is no logic in this. If they couldn't give us the truth and be decent -they didn't care enough about us. If they didn't care enough about us - why stay so long? (He lost his time, not I because I loved and cared) If they did care - well then this is just a s*itty and self-centered thing to do and says a lot about them not us. Yeah, it still blows my mind how less than a month before the breakup, when I was out from work sick for a week, she texted me "I miss you. I need you here. This place isn't the same without you." And then a month later, I was no longer worth fighting for? She hung out with my "friend" (that she apparently left me for) a lot that week. I wonder now if she texted me that because she felt guilty for making out with him or something.
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Haha, actually the girl he's with has also never been alone. I known her for a bit over a year and he is her third boyfriend in that time period. Funny how some people function. Since they worked together I trusted them to be alone multiple times. Makes me nauseous to think about him coming home to me 5 am after late night drinking with her after work. I got all the cute texts and love declarations up until the night before he broke up. I don't get these people, but I'm starting to realize that confused people act confusedly. I can't wait to wake up one day and just stop wondering "when did he decide to dump me?" "when did he start to develop feelings for her" "why didn't he tell me we were struggling" "why didn't he trust me enough to be honest" etc. Those questions will never be answered and come to think about it I don't want them answered either. I bet they felt guilty at some point, but guilt is nothing compared to satisfying their needs and wants. To them this was probably totally worth it. Ignorance is bliss in these situations and I will not take another blow from him.
Author mantlefan Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Yeah, if I magically got access to all their text and facebook and phone conversations from one month before and one month after the break, I guess I would be able to figure out almost exactly why it happened. But I don't think that would bring me any more peace that I am capable of getting on my own, just ignoring them whenever possible. What really sucks is that some people recommend to wear a rubber band on your wrist that you snap every time you think of your ex. My ex always wore a hair tie on her wrist, and I would sometimes snap it as a joke. All that would do for me at this point, the rubber band, would be to start an infinite loop :bitterlaugh:
hopti Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Yeah, if I magically got access to all their text and facebook and phone conversations from one month before and one month after the break, I guess I would be able to figure out almost exactly why it happened. But I don't think that would bring me any more peace that I am capable of getting on my own, just ignoring them whenever possible. What really sucks is that some people recommend to wear a rubber band on your wrist that you snap every time you think of your ex. My ex always wore a hair tie on her wrist, and I would sometimes snap it as a joke. All that would do for me at this point, the rubber band, would be to start an infinite loop :bitterlaugh: No, it absolutely wouldn't. You need to reach indifference and anything that stirs up your feelings is poison! Enjoy not knowing until you simply don't care. Remember that there is no more ways for them to harm you any further. This is the last time in your life you'll hurt because of her. Each time I think of my ex I try really hard to shift focus on my self. Making future plans help a lot. Like planning the next weeks tasks or what to do in easter and summer (Travels? Festivals?). Somebody also told me that it helps to imagine a big red STOP-sign each time your head starts to spin. That actually helped me fall asleep quicker as it is tiring. 1
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