Could she ACTUALLY believe that?

[mantlefan]

My GF of 5 years dumped me for a friend 5 months ago. I just found out 2 weeks ago. She lied to me when I asked her about it (I felt it would be awkward if I try to hand out with this friend while she is trying to get with him), and said they weren't starting anything.

 

 

I talked to this friend and asked him for advice about my breakup, and told him a lot of things about the relationship, especially my regrets and the things that, with hindsight, I realized I could have done better.

 

 

When I found out they were together, another mutual friend explained to me that my ex never told me because she thought it would "only hurt me more." I can't understand this reasoning. How could she think that finding out the real reason she dumped me, for a FRIEND, wouldn't break my heart all over again? Could she have actually thought that by the time I did find out, I would be totally over her and it wouldn't matter?

 

 

She claimed, even after the breakup, that she still cared about me. Is it at all possible that she really believes she withheld the truth from me to help ME, or is she just lying to me and maybe herself, and she really did it because she was too cowardly to tell me the truth or she was too afraid of feeling like a bad person for telling me?

[pickflicker]

I personally don't see anything wrong with her reasoning. It looks like she's experienced a fair amount of pain and guilt over the situation and is just trying to do the right thing.

 

If she's trying to do the right thing, she deserves some credit for that, at least.

[mantlefan]

Thanks for the reply. I hope you are right. I want to forgive her, but on the other hand I feel so betrayed. I feel like she knew me well enough to know that the truth would have been better in the long run.

 

 

Wouldn't it make it so much easier to not want her back if she did it to hurt me?

 

 

But deep down I believe she isn't that kind of person.

[2fargone]

If anything is wrong with the reasoning it would probably be her being completely honest with herself. She probably didn't tell you to not hurt you more... true, but the reason behind it is that if you were hurt more she would probably feel (more) guilty.

 

 

In events like these, everyone is selfish. You just have to see it...

[Chi townD]

Wow, and you even went to this friend about what happened all the while his was screwing your ex girl? Bet they had a laugh at that one!

 

Have you talked to this "friend" since you found out? Do they even KNOW that you found out?

 

Has she tried to explain herself after you found out? Or, are they running like cowards? How do your other friends feel about this situation?

 

Here's what going to hurt you more, you need to find a whole set of new friends. You stated that one of your other mutual friends said that your Ex didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt you even more. That tells me that your "friends" have went out of their way to protect their relationship more than your feelings.

 

Those aren't friends, dude.

[Kevin_D]

She's immature and narcissistic, so I wouldn't expect too much. In my opinion, it's never acceptable to leave a relationship for somebody else, but sadly this seems to happen all the time.

 

The worst thing is that they often try to blame YOU for something random, instead of just saying: "I'm actually an egocentric slut who only cares about my own feelings, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression".

 

In about 5 minutes pickflicker will respond to this post and write something like:

 

"She didn't want a relationship with him anymore, her reasons are not important. I'm sure she had thought about this for a long time. After she ended it, she was single and allowed to date who she wanted. Why waste time when her mind was set?"

 

Sorry, I had to.

 

Yeah, whatever. Good luck finding a decent a dude with this mentality though. An analogy:

 

A friends birthday is coming up. You ask him what he wants. He knows you're a talented artist, so he says that he would really like a painting of him and his familly. You spend several weeks on this painting and are so excited when you give it to him. He seems really happy and says that it's the great gift he's ever gotten.

 

Two weeks later you find it on ebay. You later find out that his reason was that he wanted an Iron Maiden poster on the wall instead.

 

After hearing this story, why would anyone invest time in trying to make a guy like this happy? When I was a kid, if I broke a toy, I learned how to repair it - I didn't get a new one. But some people, if the see something new and shiny that they want, the become so greedy that they immediately throw away everything else. It's really sad.

[mantlefan]

Wow, and you even went to this friend about what happened all the while his was screwing your ex girl? Bet they had a laugh at that one!

 

 

Well, I don't know how far they got, but last I knew she wasn't that type of girl. And he supposedly changed from being a womanizer. Who knows? What really matters is that he pretended to be there for me when he was at least entertaining going along with her advances.

 

Have you talked to this "friend" since you found out? Do they even KNOW that you found out?

 

 

I actually found out FROM the friend. I confronted him about it when I saw them together and he told me that she had been after him for months, and he told her to back off and take some time to think about it (according to him). But they had been spending quite a lot of time together.

 

Has she tried to explain herself after you found out? Or, are they running like cowards? How do your other friends feel about this situation?

 

 

After I had an opportunity to chew on the facts I send them both some carefully worded emails. More or less that this is not what people who claim to be my friends would do, and that I have no idea how they thought that the way they went about this could at all have been good. Neither have said anything to me since. And I don't really want to talk to them anyways. My other friends are split. Some say that I should know that with my ex's personality, she will do anything to avoid hurting someone (at least face to face), so they aren't proud of her, but they accept that as a weakness and tell me that that is going to plague her the rest of her life. Other friends are totally dumbfounded by it.

 

Here's what going to hurt you more, you need to find a whole set of new friends. You stated that one of your other mutual friends said that your Ex didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt you even more. That tells me that your "friends" have went out of their way to protect their relationship more than your feelings.

 

Those aren't friends, dude.

 

 

Yeah, I don't have one friend that she has never at least met though. Isn't that insane? We have a ton of mutual friends too. In most cases, they are going to end up with her I think. I think only a handful really knew what was going on. The friend who told her to tell me, but didn't tell me himself is marrying my ex's best friend. So it's not too hard to forgive him for not telling me. It's pretty hard to forgive my ex, although with her personality, I can see what my friends mean. That absolutely paralyzing fear of seeing someone be hurt by what she says has caused problems before in our relationship. But for my "friend," the one who I confided in, I can't see his excuse.

 

 

I am trying to get out of town, find a new job anywhere.

[mantlefan]

The worst thing is that they often try to blame YOU for something random, instead of just saying: "I'm actually an egocentric slut who only cares about my own feelings, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression".

 

 

It's amazing, looking back, all the things we talked about as reasons why it didn't work out, all of which kept evolving as she tried to cover up the real reason.

 

 

When we first broke up, it was almost mutual because she wanted kids and I wasn't sure. I asked her if there was ANY other reason and she said no. After two agonizing weeks of thinking and praying and scraping my wants down to the bone, I realized that I do want to be a father.

 

 

I told her this, and eventually she told me that she was happy for me but not as much as she thought she would have been, and her feelings for me had changed. We might get back together, but she wanted time to think. As I legitimately sorted out a lot of things, she kept adding reasons why it wasn't going to work things we had never talked about before.

 

 

Looking back, it was probably a mix of things. Her having the kids question on her mind, along with her hanging out with this guy a lot, plus a lot of relationship strain between us because it was the most stressful time at our work we have ever had. She ended up bringing up the kids question very seriously, to the point of making a decision about our future. I still don't know if she brought it up then so she could dump me because she had feelings for the guy, or if she would have stayed with me if I wanted kids but if not, she'd go for the guy, or if she really did dump me for kids and only then decided to go after the guy. But the order of events makes it seem clear to me that her wanting him was at least part of it.

[Chi townD]

I don't blame you. Florida is nice! Margarita's and palm tree's with a the Caribbean Sea....damn, I need a vacation.

 

Point is, even if those friends knew about their relationship, they kept you in the dark. Whether they decided that it was none of their business, if they were your friends, they should have told you. I mean, are friends supposed to have your back? Who exactly had your back while this was going on?

 

Move to Florida and when you do, don't tell anyone, just go. If they didn't care enough to tell you what was going on, you shouldn't care enough to tell them that you're leaving.

[mantlefan]

I don't blame you. Florida is nice! Margarita's and palm tree's with a the Caribbean Sea....damn, I need a vacation.

 

Point is, even if those friends knew about their relationship, they kept you in the dark. Whether they decided that it was none of their business, if they were your friends, they should have told you. I mean, are friends supposed to have your back? Who exactly had your back while this was going on?

 

Move to Florida and when you do, don't tell anyone, just go. If they didn't care enough to tell you what was going on, you shouldn't care enough to tell them that you're leaving.

 

 

The person who has been there with me the most suggests that if I get a job offer, I go to her and tell her that this is it, almost like an ultimatum. He seems to think she is really confused right now and may want me back someday.

 

 

But, he DID say that before either found out about her trying to be with my friend so soon after (maybe even before) the breakup.

 

 

I wonder, would it make me feel any better to try one more time, just to say that I did, or would it only make me feel worse?

[mantlefan]

After finding out the truth, I am starting to realize I don't want her back. But the degree to which I don't want her back depends on the body part.

 

 

In my gut, I am conflicted. I don't see how she can be good for me after all this, but if I had done this to her, and someday I wanted her back, I would hope she would give me a second chance.

 

 

In my head, it's almost a 100% "NO!" Even if we really want to both get back together, how can there be any real trust moving forward, even if I want to trust her?

 

 

In my reproductive organs, well, she is one of the most attractive women I have ever met. So I do want her back for those reasons. I think that is going to change a lot once I am no longer in love with her. But that seems to be a long way off.

 

 

In my heart, I am also conflicted. I still think that I really do love her. But I also don't know if I can really love her like I used to, after how bad she broke my heart. I may always hold back. I don't know.

[Kevin_D]

Looking back, it was probably a mix of things. Her having the kids question on her mind, along with her hanging out with this guy a lot, plus a lot of relationship strain between us because it was the most stressful time at our work we have ever had. She ended up bringing up the kids question very seriously, to the point of making a decision about our future. I still don't know if she brought it up then so she could dump me because she had feelings for the guy, or if she would have stayed with me if I wanted kids but if not, she'd go for the guy, or if she really did dump me for kids and only then decided to go after the guy. But the order of events makes it seem clear to me that her wanting him was at least part of it.

 

I think that if they want to date somebody else, they will do everything they can to find other reasons for breaking up. They need something more to justify the breakup for themselves.

 

By the way, do you think she discusses future children with the new dude? I don't think so.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It just shows that she's immature, in my opinion. People split up all the time, feelings change, that can't be helped. But the adult thing to do would have been to be honest with you at the time. Exes don't owe one another a notification when they find a new partner but knowing that you all run in the same circle and you'll find out some day, she should have told you like a grown up.

[CelticGibson]

The same scenario happened to me about ten years ago. I had a friend who I was friends with for 17 years and he ended up going behind my back with my girlfriend at the time. She, at least, had the decency to tell me herself but him? Nope. He carried on being my friend all through it. What amazed me more at the time was that she said they had only just started to see each other but I later found out they were together for well over a month before I knew anything. They do try to limit the hurt but really in the end, they are doing it so they don't have to deal with you any longer than necessary because they are too selfish to their own needs to even care how you feel.

 

The best thing I did was to cut them out of my life and move on straight away. I hurt for a while but not as long as I would have if I had stayed around trying to fight for her. I understood my worth and dismissed them both. In the end, I was more saddened by the loss of the 17 years friendship than the girl. Go figure...

[mantlefan]

In the end, I was more saddened by the loss of the 17 years friendship than the girl. Go figure...

 

Interesting...

I met her before I met him, but he and I could have been really good friends. We have a ton of the same interests, and could talk about theology and philosophy and politics nonstop. I guess we have the same taste in women too

 

 

I think I will lament her more than him though, but our circumstances are obviously different. It's good to hear that cutting them out of your life has helped. I still have to see her now and then over the next few months for business reasons, but I hope by august I can cut ties completely with the organization we are both involved with, move to Anywheresville with a full time teaching job, and just move on.

[Haydn]

Mantle, you sound like a clever and likable guy. You will pass through this. Its early days for you. Cut them out of your life as far as possible. I changed almost my whole circle that i had in common with my ex. Now i have some of them as friends again. But as for him, well i would not have him as a mate. Takes a bit of time but your head seems screwed on, You will make it son.

 

 

After finding out the truth, I am starting to realize I don't want her back. But the degree to which I don't want her back depends on the body part.

 

 

In my gut, I am conflicted. I don't see how she can be good for me after all this, but if I had done this to her, and someday I wanted her back, I would hope she would give me a second chance.

 

 

In my head, it's almost a 100% "NO!" Even if we really want to both get back together, how can there be any real trust moving forward, even if I want to trust her?

 

 

In my reproductive organs, well, she is one of the most attractive women I have ever met. So I do want her back for those reasons. I think that is going to change a lot once I am no longer in love with her. But that seems to be a long way off.

 

 

In my heart, I am also conflicted. I still think that I really do love her. But I also don't know if I can really love her like I used to, after how bad she broke my heart. I may always hold back. I don't know.

[Chi townD]

I like what Celtic wrote about the part where our Ex's try to limit the hurt.

 

But, they're wrong. It hurts worst when the level of betrayal is discovered. And to MantleFan, look for a new job far away. When you land it, just go. Your friend that has been with you in since the beginning is wrong, don't contact her with an ultimatum because you won't win and it's a cheap shot.

 

Just, go! She's not your friend, she's not your girlfriend. She's your former friends sloppy seconds. She's nothing to YOU now and you don't owe her any heads up or notification.

 

Look for somewhere warm and nice. Jobs are out there, you just got to keep pounding away at it and sooner or later, a door is going to open up for you.

[mantlefan]

Mantle, you sound like a clever and likable guy. You will pass through this. Its early days for you. Cut them out of your life as far as possible. I changed almost my whole circle that i had in common with my ex. Now i have some of them as friends again. But as for him, well i would not have him as a mate. Takes a bit of time but your head seems screwed on, You will make it son.

 

Isn't it messed up how she dumped me 5 months ago, but finding this out 2 weeks ago makes me feel like I am starting over in a lot of ways. I also am "breaking up" with this "friend" too.

[Haydn]

You have to do this MANTLE. I dont want you to prolong the hurt. You do not owe them anything anymore. You are a bright guy with a bright future, can you see that? You should. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but you have been played in a terrible way and now its time for YOU. You will move on and meet new people who will see how good it is to know you. I would buy you a beer if i could tonight. Keep strong friend.

 

 

Isn't it messed up how she dumped me 5 months ago, but finding this out 2 weeks ago makes me feel like I am starting over in a lot of ways. I also am "breaking up" with this "friend" too.

[Chi townD]

Isn't it messed up how she dumped me 5 months ago, but finding this out 2 weeks ago makes me feel like I am starting over in a lot of ways. I also am "breaking up" with this "friend" too.

 

Yep! It's called being trickle truthed. it's a real thing. Everytime you discover something new about why we were dumped or any new thing about a betrayal, it like a whole new D-Day for us. It takes us back to square one because this new "truth" changes everything we thought about the break up.

 

It's like your girlfriend saying that she kissed someone else. We work through that pain and try to work past it. Then, right when we're in a good place with it, we discover that the kiss was actually that she had sex with another guy. Guess what! Back to square one!

 

So, what you're feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!

[mantlefan]

Just, go! She's not your friend, she's not your girlfriend. She's your former friends sloppy seconds. She's nothing to YOU now and you don't owe her any heads up or notification.

 

 

It might feel pretty good and have a lot of symbolic meaning if I don't say boo to her about the biggest decision of my life so far. Like that fact that I don't tell her says to ME more than anyone else that she is not a part of my life anymore.

 

 

To be honest, I am not sure how this relationship with this guy is going to go. She has a pretty secure job, and he will have to move decently far away to go to seminary (I know, he's going to be a pastor, that makes it so much more interesting. I should write a novel). Plus, her feelings for him developed when she and I were really frustrated with work and short with each other, and when I was really messed up about the kids question, he was the white knight who listened to her I guess. I really can't see the kids issue as a total smokescreen, but the fact that she brought it up at that point...

Anyways, a relationship that was founded on lying to a person who they both allegedly cared about, I think they are going to have a LOT of issues to work out.

[mantlefan]

Yep! It's called being trickle truthed. it's a real thing. Everytime you discover something new about why we were dumped or any new thing about a betrayal, it like a whole new D-Day for us. It takes us back to square one because this new "truth" changes everything we thought about the break up.

 

It's like your girlfriend saying that she kissed someone else. We work through that pain and try to work past it. Then, right when we're in a good place with it, we discover that the kiss was actually that she had sex with another guy. Guess what! Back to square one!

 

So, what you're feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!

 

 

Thanks for the insight. It's true, each time I learn a new reason (and they have gotten more and more surprising (devastating?) as the saga has went on), I reevaluate the whole breakup from the perspective of the new information. I think this might actually be the final truth, that she dumped me to go after this guy, but if I still have an even worse truth to find out, I don't know what it could be. Maybe that she was sent by Hell to make me fall in love with her just to pull the rug out 5 years later when things really got tough for the first time?

[Chi townD]

Nah dude, she not worth your time. So, right now, you have to get motivated about finding a new job in a nice location. I strongly suggest somewhere with nice beaches and the cost of living isn't through the roof.

 

Do your homework! There's a LOT of companies that are looking for people that are willing to relocate. If you find one of those companies, they'll help you get settled into the area. So, look around! Get excited that there's NO ONE HOLDING YOU BACK ANYMORE!!! Get excited about this new adventure that you're about to go on!

 

The best revenge you can get is living your life well! Karma is going to hit her pretty soon! So, your asshat of a friend is going to seminary (which I find extremely laughable) and she'll go looking for you only to discover a pic of you on your facebook profile, standing on a sandy beach with clear blue skies and crystal blue waters of the Florida Keys. She'll discover that you moved away to paradise and she has nothing. No one to hold onto until she finds the next sap to cling onto.

[mantlefan]

Does it make any sense that almost as bad as the breakup hurt, it hurts that up until I found out the REAL reason she dumped me, I thought she and I were building a friendship (that's incredibly naïve I know, but gimme a break, it was my first love and I didn't find this site until January), and that we still maintained the trust we had in the relationship?

 

 

Not only did it hurt to have to re-evaluate the breakup, but I also realized at that point I lost my ex as my friend, my confidant, someone I could trust. Plus, I lost my "friend" who I thought I was starting to get close to.

 

 

I'm not saying I could have been friends with either of them had they told me the truth, but if she would have said "we need to breakup because we want different things in terms of kids, and I am in love with someone else" instead of just the kids part, at least there would be a possibility for the future.

 

 

I don't know, maybe it's not a big deal to value trust, since who can anyone really trust? But, it meant a lot to me to have someone in my life who I felt we could tell each other things we were afraid to tell even ourselves.

 

 

I don't know, I am only just starting to realize the magnitude of what I lost. I hope it hits me soon, so I can move on faster.

[Chi townD]

The magnitude of what you lost?!?!?

 

What exactly did you lose? Someone that will go behind your back? Someone that would take advantage of your trust? Someone that would cheat on you? Someone that would enter a relationship with a friend of yours then lie about the reasons of the break up making it seem like the demise of the relationship was entirely your fault?

 

You didn't lose much, dude. And that is someone worth losing.