long story. need guidance

[bertman]

I guess ill just start from the beginning so please bear with the life story lol. My girlfriend and I are both police officers in a very big police department. We were both working in the same precinct when we met about 1 year ago. Im 31 with no kids and shes 29 with 2 kids (4yo girl, 8yo boy from the same guy) Neither of us have ever been married. I asked her out and we both hit it off from there. Woman in the police department are looked at like pieces of meat since they are the severe minority. Ill also say that she is a very very pretty woman so the amount of attention she gets is just crazy.

 

Anyway, for the first 3 months it was basically just a sexual relationship. We were with each other about 6 nites a week, either at my place or her place. As time went on, the emotional feelings we had towards each other kept growing and we were officially dating after the 4th month.

 

Ill come right out and say that ive always had jealousy issues in my previous relationships. I guess im just insecure but its always been like this. I have a very hard time trusting people that i always think people are up to no good. My first long term relationship when i was 20, lasted about 4 years. Towards the end, my girlfriend at the time started talking to her ex and that was the end of that. I always felt like i needed an eye on the back of my head with her and i was always looking for something that she shouldnt be doing. We were both bartenders in the same bar and the amount of flirty behavior on her part was a lot in my opinion. My next relationship lasted about 5 years and this girl was an absolute sweetheart. She was just a very nice person and i loved her innocence. But again, i always felt like she was doing something wrong. I can look back now and say for sure that she wasnt and i ruined that relationship with my cold attitude and jealousy issues.

 

So that leaves me where i am today. So after 4 months with my now girlfriend, we are officially dating and here comes my curiosity and jealousy issues. One night she was sleeping and i wanted to read her text messages. I tore that phone apart reading everything in there. There was a lot of flirty talk between her and co workers but nothing that threw a red flag saying she was cheating. Basically everything flirty and crossing the line was initiated by the guy. she would usually ignore it and play it off. I know she is flirty and likes the attention because she can get it from whoever she wants. HOWEVER, there was like 2 months of random messages between her and her ex-boyfriend. What makes it worse is that her ex still works in the same precinct as me and her and im friends with the guy. But relationships amongst co-workers in the police department are really frowned upon so people always keep things quiet the best they can. I never knew until i read these messages that they were actually together and dating. It seemed like all the conversations based on date and time were initiated by her. The messages ranged from, i miss you, i still love you, i want to come by your place after work etc etc. However, almost all of his responses were the same way. He kept saying, leave me alone, we are not together anymore, u broke it so dont look back....things like that. I basically flipped out but kept it quiet and didnt say anything to her. I confronted her ex and asked him what the deal was. He told me that nothing is going on between them and all she is trying to do is get a rise out of him because he dumped her. Very strange in my opinion but i left it alone for about a week until i confronted her about it.

 

I broke it off with her and told her that i read all the messages and asked her how she could tell me she loved me and still be talking to her ex the way she does. she got upset and said i took everything out of context but i kicked her out my house. for the next 3 days she kept texting me saying she was sorry and she wanted to talk and explain herself. Eventually i caved in (because i was still head over heels in love with this girl) and we talked. she told me essentially the same thing her ex told me. that she was just trying to get back at him for all the **** he put her through. i asked her if he would of told u to come to his house like u wanted to, would u have gone? she said no (obviously lol)...i really didnt know what to think so i just left.

 

over the next week we were slowly talking and eventually got back together. im still wondering if this was a big mistake or not. ever since she did what she did, i have had basically had zero trust for her. i would randomly check her texts and call logs over the next few months to see who she was talking to and never found anything that would make me think foul play. some flirty stuff from other people to her but that was about it. since i never found anything it just made me think that she was good at hiding her stuff or she was deleting everything.

 

i would pick up her phone in front of her and look in it. she never had a problem with me doing that. one day i check her text log and there was about 30msgs back and forth to some guy who i never met. but the actual text conversation wasnt in the phone. it was blatantly obvious that she deleted the convo so i asked her what this was about. she made some stupid excuse about how the phone was acting up and doing weird things. she also kept denying that she had a convo with this guy but the proof was right there. that started a huge argument and i left for the night. we tried to talk like adults the next day and her reason for deleting the convo was that she feels that she cant have a innocent conversation with any guy bc she knows i will get mad and accuse her of cheating. she certainly doesnt have the cleanest track record regarding being shaddy with the phone so i will certainly question a convo she has with another man if things dont look right to me.

 

to me, it just seems like one thing after the next with this girl. after seeing the nonsense she pulled with deleting the conversation, i was sure that she was deleting a lot of convos. here comes my jealous ass and i start to read her call and text logs from her t mobile account. i kept an eye out for weird numbers and compared what was on the account to what was in the phone.

 

i could probably go on for hours with this but over the course of the next few months, i found that she deleted maybe 3-4 conversations with men. i always confronted her about it and she says the same thing...that she cant have a normal convo with another man bc she is afraid of what i will think. I always tell her that its worse if she deletes something rather then just flat out telling me she spoke to someone. deleting something in my eyes is just a way to hide something.

 

finally we are in the present now. the other nite i looked at her phone to compare what was on the call records from the website and she deleted like 6 msgs from her kids father. long story short, they only communicate in regards to the kids. (school etc) but ive never seen her delete anything from her phone when it comes to her kids father. i asked her about it and she got mad telling me that i will never trust her but still refuses to tell me what she deleted.

 

she changed the password to her tmobile account so ill have to play detective to get the new one or just leave it alone.

 

i know what everyone will probably say....im better off cutting my losses now and walking out. but am i the one who is wrong here? am i over analyzing everything she does to try and look for something that is wrong?

 

i think i can honestly say that i will never trust this girl. but on the other hand, i dont think i can ever trust any girl that im with. its kinda sad

 

guess im just looking for people opinions on this situation. is she wrong with what she does regarding deleting txts and calls? is my jealous behavior causing her to do the things she does? or do you guys think she is just a sneaky person?

[deathandtaxes]

There's no trust here. You're better off moving along.

 

 

Oh, and don't date a cop.

[MixedUpChick]

I think you really need to deal with your trust issues, I don't know how you'll ever be able to trust anyone. Also - most women wouldn't put up with you snooping through their phone & monitoring everything the way you're doing. People should be allowed some freedom & not having their significant other checking up on them the way you're doing. You could break things off with her but you're just going to behave badly in the next relationship & I don't think you'll ever be happy, unless you deal with your lack of trust.

 

Stop repeating this cycle & get some help.

[bertman]

 

Oh, and don't date a cop.

 

truer words have never been spoken lol

 

i always said that i would never date a cop and i would never date a woman with kids. i broke both my rules with this girl. i was so crazy in love with her and the way she made me feel that i guess i was blinded

 

I think you really need to deal with your trust issues, I don't know how you'll ever be able to trust anyone. Also - most women wouldn't put up with you snooping through their phone & monitoring everything the way you're doing. People should be allowed some freedom & not having their significant other checking up on them the way you're doing. You could break things off with her but you're just going to behave badly in the next relationship & I don't think you'll ever be happy, unless you deal with your lack of trust.

 

Stop repeating this cycle & get some help.

 

yea my trust issues are really bad and i really dont know what to do about them. ive read so many things on line about dealing with trust issues but nothing ever comes of it. maybe im just to weak or just unwilling to change. not sure where to go from here...

[Chico333]

I can't imagine living my life with my SO constantly keeping track of who I talk to. That would be a nightmare. Any type of woman who would put up with that has her own insecurity issues as well.

 

Sounds like you have some deep insecurity issues. My only suggestion would be to seek professional help/guidance and talking to someone before getting into another relationship.

[bertman]

I can't imagine living my life with my SO constantly keeping track of who I talk to. That would be a nightmare. Any type of woman who would put up with that has her own insecurity issues as well.

 

Sounds like you have some deep insecurity issues. My only suggestion would be to seek professional help/guidance and talking to someone before getting into another relationship.

 

after that first relationship i did see a psychologist for about 5 months to try and find a reason or at least a way to fix those jealousy issues. it didnt do much expect for being able to talk to a non judgmental person about what was bothering me. since then ive never been back.

 

what im going to do for the time being is try my hardest to not be nosey and not check into her phone. if i can control myself from doing that then maybe i can take a step in the right direction.

 

but even if can stop doing those things, i still dont think i can ever trust her based on the things she has already done. if thats the case then this relationship will never work

[Chico333]

I agree that the trust overall in the relationship seems lost. People can sometimes bounce back if it's early on in the relationship, but she is obviously paranoid due to you checking in on her all the time and though she may not say it, she is probably subconsciously pulling away by talking to other guys, so in your part I agree that you should be skeptical about her true feelings for the relationship. I would go find a different person to talk to still about what your dealing with and how to overcome it. I have been in the position where I was seeing counseling and didn't think it helped anything until I stopped going and came to some of my own realizations after taking some time to think about everything. It ended up helping me make some dramatic life decisions that I will always be grateful for.

[MixedUpChick]

after that first relationship i did see a psychologist for about 5 months to try and find a reason or at least a way to fix those jealousy issues. it didnt do much expect for being able to talk to a non judgmental person about what was bothering me. since then ive never been back.

 

You need to go back. This issue will never go away by itself, you need to figure out exactly why you're behaving this way, so you can learn to change your behavior.

 

what im going to do for the time being is try my hardest to not be nosey and not check into her phone. if i can control myself from doing that then maybe i can take a step in the right direction.

 

That's a good start, but unless you find a way to deal with your underlying trust issues, even if you stop checking her phone, you'll always wonder "who's she talking to?" But yes, please... stop checking her phone.

 

but even if can stop doing those things, i still dont think i can ever trust her based on the things she has already done. if thats the case then this relationship will never work

 

But what has she actually done? She talks to a few male friends, you yourself said you didn't find anything inappropriate there. You need to stop thinking the texts she's deleted are actually anything "bad" - she probably deleted them because she thought you'd think they were bad, but that doesn't mean that there was anything at all inappropriate in them, either.

 

You have to get some help to deal with your major insecurity issues, you'll push away any normal woman who wants a relationship with you if you can't learn to trust them.

 

Think about this: this woman is with you... why? Because she chooses to be with YOU, not with anyone else. Why do you think that is? Because she cares more about YOU than any other man. Why? Because apparently, you're worth it. Start learning to trust THAT.