Trapito Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Hi all, I hope you can give me some advice. I normally can give everyone rational sound advice, but unfortunately I can't give that to myself because I am emotionally invested. My brother has always been not only my brother, but also my best friend. We would go barhopping together or in groups, we gave each other dating advice, we went to festivals together, etc. Best friends (luckily I do have a lot of other good friends and a BFF who I've known since I was 12). My brother became severally depressed and almost had a psychosis. This was a couple of years ago. He went to daycare, had a psychiatrist and got the proper medicine. He recovered. My parents or I would drop him at daycare and pick him up because he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. Fast forward, still best friends. Then he gets a gf. No problem, I understand you need to back of to let the relationship blossom. I want him to be happy. We had made the deal to spend new years eve together. Even though he had a gf, that was no problem. 3 days before the date he calls to tell he wants to spend it with his gf, I was really pissed. I asked him before if he wanted to spend it with his gf, just tell me. But no, he waited till the last moment to tell her and ofcourse she wasn't happy. I got ditched. After half a year they decide to live together. Not the brightest idea, but he is a big boy. From there the trouble starts. Texts became less and less, phone calls became short and infrequent. I went to the seeing of the new house, the house warming, her graduation party, her birtday (where I was forgotten to get invited so I had to invite myself and feel like ****, his birthday. I gave thoughtfull presents at all occasions. We don't spend time together anymore, just as brother and sister. He made an appointment with me 4 times to come over to my city for a weekend of bad movies and a few drinks. He bailed 3 times at the last minute saying his gf thinks they should spend time together and they don't see each other enough. He came one time and his gf kept sending him sad sobbing messages and posting puity postings on fb. She even send me passive agressive messages about how the is the good guy and he is the bad one and that it is my fault they were in a fight before he left. I even told him if he wanted to come an other time it was ok. so he called to make yet an other appointment, his idea. I told him to plan it three weeks ahead so he had plenty of time to notice his gf. Of course, she found they didn't spend enough time together (they live together and spend every moment together when they are not working). He still wanted to come. Didn't hear from him so I texted, still no reply. Finally he replied with an excuse about not having money. I awnsered with "K". It took him almost 3 months to contact me again. Finally he called me for my birthday and I told him I was not happy.He didn't even notice the lack of contact. I set my boundaries. If he wants to have a relationship with me, his sister, he better show some effort. He is supposed to come with his gf in a couple of weeks. We shall see. I would like to see him maybe 4 times a year without her or her guilt tripping drama. I don't even recognize him anymore. What would you do?
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 62 views and no one answered? Please, I really could use some advise. No, this is not his first girlfriend. He has had a couple before, never this aggressive. I would like to keep a good brother - sister/best friend thing going on. I barely initiate contact becouse I don't want to bother him or damage their relationship. we talked about this before. I don't like to be treated like a doormat, but I just keep on forgiving and forgiving.
CC12 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 What would you do? I would tell my brother that I miss him a lot and that I hope we can spend some time together soon. And then I would try as hard as I could to just let it go for a while. If you make plans with him, just expect him to cancel. If he ever shows up, it's a happy occasion. Take what you can get at this point. Let the rest go. Your brother is busy with what seems like a really time-consuming relationship, to put it nicely. His relationship makes it difficult for him to remain close with others. It's pretty sad, really. You guys are young, right? In your early 20s at most? You're both just learning how to be adults and how to juggle adult responsibilities. Be there for him as much as possible, but never expect anything from him in return.
Emilia Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 My brother became severally depressed and almost had a psychosis. This was a couple of years ago. He went to daycare, had a psychiatrist and got the proper medicine. He recovered. My parents or I would drop him at daycare and pick him up because he wasn't allowed to drive anymore. What was wrong with him exactly? What's the name of his condition?
justinewong Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 That happened to me and my best friend near the end of last year. Just let it go. I've realized that my best friend (or in your case, your brother) is too dense and soft skin to ditch everything for his gf. Later if they broke up, he'll come crawling back.
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you for your reply. I just turned 31 and he is 28, that makes this even sadder. I am worried for him, he will have no friends left if he keeps going down this road. She is very controlling and manipulative and when she doesn't get her way she throws tantrums for 3 hours where she pouts, yells and screams and threatens to break up with him. I told him this was his last chance. I know ultimatums are not good but I have talked to him about his flakey behavior multiple times before. Normally when someone flakes on me multiple times with bad excuses, I don't make an appointment with that person again. But this is my brother, I don't want to let him fall. I will back off even more. It's a shame, I really miss him but trying again and again is not the awnser.
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 What was wrong with him exactly? What's the name of his condition? Depression, pre-stage of a psychosis and de-personalisation. It started with a really bad panic attack. He is still on medication for depression. He isn't depressed anymore but needs the medication to prevent a back slide. I looked it al up, he has not been traumatized, wasn't abused, wasn't bullied. We both grew up in a nice home with loving parents and we both had lots of friends.
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 That happened to me and my best friend near the end of last year. Just let it go. I've realized that my best friend (or in your case, your brother) is too dense and soft skin to ditch everything for his gf. Later if they broke up, he'll come crawling back. I remember you I commented on your thread. Thank you for your kind words.
Emilia Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Depression, pre-stage of a psychosis and de-personalisation. It started with a really bad panic attack. He is still on medication for depression. He isn't depressed anymore but needs the medication to prevent a back slide. I looked it al up, he has not been traumatized, wasn't abused, wasn't bullied. We both grew up in a nice home with loving parents and we both had lots of friends. What did you look up exactly? Depersonalisation or something else?
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 What did you look up exactly? Depersonalisation or something else? I looked up: - depression (I have been depressed myself in the past so I know how it feels, though I do realize every person is different) - de-personalisation (I didn't know what it was, my brother told me that he hardly recognized himself when he looked in the mirror. The world seemed like one big dream state) - psychosis (I learned that it often is triggered by emotional trauma. The psychiatrist and my brother tried to find where it came from, till this day no one knows) He really is a nice person, smiling and upbeat. No one saw this coming, we saw no warning signs. I know medication for depression can make you feel different, he always was a little bit flakey but never like this. When he had other girlfriends, he still made time to hang out with friends and family. He forgot his medication for a while and didn't bother to go to the doctor for new ones, he now takes them again but wants to stop in the future because of the stigma.
Emilia Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 He really is a nice person, smiling and upbeat. No one saw this coming, we saw no warning signs. I know medication for depression can make you feel different, he always was a little bit flakey but never like this. When he had other girlfriends, he still made time to hang out with friends and family. I think you should let him be. If this is a new development and he wasn't like this, it's nothing to do with his condition. Maybe he is with a needy woman and that makes him feel wanted. It's his choice.
Author Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 I think you should let him be. If this is a new development and he wasn't like this, it's nothing to do with his condition. Maybe he is with a needy woman and that makes him feel wanted. It's his choice. Thank you for your reaction. Yup, we don't have much contact anymore. I want him to be happy, and if she is what makes him happy, then I am happy for them both. It just hurts that someone who has been in your life for such a long time, is now completely changed. He contacts me when he needs something. I once was in a codependent relationship, I lost friends and above all, I lost myself. So I see red flags in his relationship. But I understand, he needs to deal with this himself. I will stay away and be there when needed, but I refuse te be a doormat. 1
Emilia Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Thank you for your reaction. Yup, we don't have much contact anymore. I want him to be happy, and if she is what makes him happy, then I am happy for them both. It just hurts that someone who has been in your life for such a long time, is now completely changed. He contacts me when he needs something. I once was in a codependent relationship, I lost friends and above all, I lost myself. So I see red flags in his relationship. But I understand, he needs to deal with this himself. I will stay away and be there when needed, but I refuse te be a doormat. That's all you can do. I am sorry that you are going through this but not really sure what choices you have. 2
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