Bigcitydreamer Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Has anyone had to break up with someone they still loved because they weren't getting what they need out of the relationship? I recently broke up with my bf of 3 years and not because the attraction wasn't there or that I don't still love him. I did it because I felt he wouldn't respect my feelings and treat me the way I wanted. I've asked many of my friends if they ever broke up with someone they still loved and none of them ever have. They all let the attraction go or wait for a major event to cause the breakup. I feel like I did the right thing by leaving a "toxic relationship" but I still have strong feelings for him so it makes me think I shouldn't have left. So has anyone experienced this before? If so what happened? 4
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I loved one of my EXs dearly. Part of me always will. I thought he was the man I was destined to marry which is why I stuck it out for so long. Eventually I finally realized he would never marry me & I worked up the courage to end the relationship. It was hard. I missed him greatly. Certain aspects of our relationship were amazing. However, now that I'm with my husband, although things aren't perfect, I understand how much better they are then the dysfunctional relationship I had. 4
Mondmellonw Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 It happened to me. There were a lot of lies, I was caught on them and didn't know all of them while still on the relationship. I was hurting a lot, missed how he used to be, what we used to have. I even thought he was "the one". Surely now the feeling faded away, it still hurts, but I guess it wasn't mean to be at all. Just for my own sanity.
LostConfused123 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Yes, I have done this and I've never regretted it. We're actually friends again (Facebook) This was 20 years ago and we are both over it. We had moved to a new state where he had family. After about 6 months, I knew it was never going to work. I took a greyhound home and cried the whole time. Longest bus ride of my life. I felt awful for abouta nmonth but eventually got over him. I think it may have been easier back then. There was no Facebook, no cell phones. I literally knew absolutely nothing about his life after that. NC was so much easier back then. You didn't have a choice. Best of luck. Stay strong!! ((hugs!!)) 2
margot13 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Sometimes growing up means breaking your own heart..... This is a quote I read after I broke off with an ex/father of my children, I was very much in love with him but it wasn't going to work and so I left.. You will realize it was for the best one day when the pain ends. 2
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Thanks for sharing your stories guys. I guess I'm not the only one. The thing that worries me the most is that he doesn't do anything THAT bad. Pretty sure he would marry me if I wanted to. He doesn't lie, but he is mean to me in my opinion. It's hard because I live with him and I am moving out to live with a roommate someone I just met online by searching for apartments. We've been broken up for about 1.5 weeks and he came back to his house (he is staying with family while I figured out my situation) and asked me not to go. Told me he loved me, was affectionate even though I was cold. I love him so much. He has done so much stuff for me but our problems are the same problems we have had since early on and he doesn't respect me enough to listen to my opinion on things. He is nice half the time and cranky the other half. It's like I'm dealing with 2 different people. He kept saying he wasn't that bad to me and he wasn't THAT bad but he wasn't great not even close. He has a bad temper and gets mad easily and calls me out for everything I do wrong. To me it feels like he doesn't love me even though he swears he does. I feel he puts his family and friends above me yet he says he wants to be with me. It just doesn't make sense. I've been living in this unsure state for quite some time now and at the very least I was hoping that by ending the relationship I would be getting rid of the constant unsureness of where we stand. I hope I made the right choice and I'm not throwing away a good thing. I figured as the "dumper" I shouldn't be so sad but I am very sad and unsure of myself. 1
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Sometimes growing up means breaking your own heart..... This is a quote I read after I broke off with an ex/father of my children, I was very much in love with him but it wasn't going to work and so I left.. You will realize it was for the best one day when the pain ends. That must have taken strength on your part, thanks for sharing that gives me hope that when the pain passes ill see things more clearly. It's easy to forget the negative and remember the positive during a breakup.
rosedl Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 My ex wanted 'space'...three months to finalize his divorce process which sounds reasonable, right? (he was loonnnnng separated, living apart for ten years, I had zero to do with their split)... But, the space wasn't about his divorce, it was about weighing out (again) whether he wanted to be single again or remain in our relationship. It was the second time he put me through this ride in a year. I gave him a few weeks and didn't see him through the holidays, but I contacted him and told him I was fed up with him doing this to me every few months. It wasn't about space, it was about his commitment phobia which he has a history of outside our relationship. I said I was tired of accommodating this dynamic and letting it run our relationship so he waffle back and forth (when he was in, he was a dream boyfriend but then he was out again and this cycle repeated three times, this time being the third). I called him out. He would not budge. He NEEDED to be alone. He couldn't handle us. He basically blamed me for his behavior and it was totally out of line considering he has done this ALL his life. And, now, it was my fault he was acting the same way? I was a fool to think he would treat me any different. I knew his history but I dismissed it and didn't realize the full implications. Very selfish. Very capable of stringing someone along and pretending he was staying in for their benefit. But, despite all of this, I loved this man. And, drawing boundaries that I knew in my heart would cause him to leave was awful. I was the one actually dumped, but he put it on me because that is what commitment phobes do. They don't commit to anything...either staying or leaving. Not worth the time. The worst part of the commitment phobe relationship is that you get super close and that is just when they shove you aside all over again. It's cruel. Very sorry for your loss. 1
spaceboy409 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Ive done it with my ex like 10 times...I kept going back but the same problems arose. Sometimes you just need to move on even if you still the love the person. People change and sometimes they don't. When they don't you can't sacrifice your happiness for theirs. 2
mantlefan Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I loved one of my EXs dearly. Part of me always will. I thought he was the man I was destined to marry which is why I stuck it out for so long. Eventually I finally realized he would never marry me & I worked up the courage to end the relationship. It was hard. I missed him greatly. Certain aspects of our relationship were amazing. However, now that I'm with my husband, although things aren't perfect, I understand how much better they are then the dysfunctional relationship I had. Did you talk to him about getting married? I don't think it's an unreasonable thing for either person in a relationship to say that they are ready to be married.
flightplan Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 The worst part of the commitment phobe relationship is that you get super close and that is just when they shove you aside all over again. It's cruel. I can relate to this. Thinking through my post break up, I came to the conclusion she was a commitment phobe. There were several signs. I should have seen this while I was with her, and I knew all about her history, but I chose to rationalize it to the very end. I was sucked in, dumped on the pretense of religion, and off she went. It was as much as my fault as it was hers. I should have called her on it sooner.
sugarpea Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 Has anyone had to break up with someone they still loved because they weren't getting what they need out of the relationship? I recently broke up with my bf of 3 years and not because the attraction wasn't there or that I don't still love him. I did it because I felt he wouldn't respect my feelings and treat me the way I wanted. I've asked many of my friends if they ever broke up with someone they still loved and none of them ever have. They all let the attraction go or wait for a major event to cause the breakup. I feel like I did the right thing by leaving a "toxic relationship" but I still have strong feelings for him so it makes me think I shouldn't have left. So has anyone experienced this before? If so what happened? Yes I have somewhat, he broke up with me first then couldn't go through with it, it was just really emotional and asked me if we should, so I said yes to breaking up (I hated that he said it was a mutual decision but it wasn't) I wouldn't have if he didn't make me feel guilty for holding on. I loved him very much but he wasn't happy in the relationship and really he wasn't strong enough to deal with my problems. (I was quite depressed at the time and he was under the impression he had to fix it but he only just had to be there for me). So I let him go so he could be happy. He is but painful to say with someone else. I'm happy he's happy just not happy that it's with her. For me if I had the choice I would still do the same thing again. I imagine for you it would depend on if he could really change for you or would it just go back to old habits in the end. If you feel that if you gave it a chance and it would still lead you back to this decision then yes it would be the right decision to break up. I'm really sorry for what you're going through and wish you the best. 1
Conners Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Has anyone had to break up with someone they still loved because they weren't getting what they need out of the relationship? I recently broke up with my bf of 3 years and not because the attraction wasn't there or that I don't still love him. I did it because I felt he wouldn't respect my feelings and treat me the way I wanted. I've asked many of my friends if they ever broke up with someone they still loved and none of them ever have. They all let the attraction go or wait for a major event to cause the breakup. I feel like I did the right thing by leaving a "toxic relationship" but I still have strong feelings for him so it makes me think I shouldn't have left. So has anyone experienced this before? If so what happened? Yes. I broke up with the guy I love for the exact same reasons you did. It almost feels like I was the one dumped because the pain is that bad. 3
rooman Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Yes, I have recently. Love her but our life-long goals did not match up. I want the option of having kid(s), she does not. There's also a concern about health. I do miss her, but sometimes 'getting along' isn't enough, and things like kids, religion, etc, can't be compromised with.
WYSWYG Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I did, too... I was still crazy about her but I also knew it wasn't going anywhere. There were a lot of red flags. I tried walking away months ago but couldn't until the fights become more frequent and we just kept hurting each other. I confronted her a week before she left for a month-long home visit overseas. To use it as a forced NC. After the last fight, we parted with a short, polite chat on-line. I knew she saw him before leaving and predicted she'll dump me when she gets back. Intuition prevails. It's been 2 months of NC now. Christmas was.... It's hard when you long for someone who's already in somebody else's arms. Yet I know, one them will suffer that same pain one day. And there's no way around that misery but I have no regrets. I needed to save myself. Months from now, she'll just be another girl. Someone that I used to know... 3
InnocentMan Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I'd imagine that most people encounter something like this in their lifetime, one way or another. It's brutal. The pain will probably be worse than your run-of-the mill break-up, where a clear and major reason is present. For this reason you must be almost 100% sure of your motives. I'm not sure you ever fully recover from these break-ups, even if you do find something 'healthier' for you. If I could go back to my situation in the past, I would have communicated much better, and not walked away so readily. There's no harm in talking, it won't make the any pain shorter lived. I don't mean a few e-mails/texts here and there. Actual face to face communication with no distractions. If you've already done all this, then you have to make a final decision, either way, and stick with it. In my scenario, we dragged it out for a year, until a 3rd party got involved, then the **** really does hit the fan. Just talk to him. Any combination of small crap can be worked out, don't wait until a drama forces your hand. If you decide to leave, make sure you tried everything possible to make it work. Finding mutual love is relatively rare, let alone finding it in a perfect package, with all your required boxes ticked.
HorseLuck Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Yes. It was tough and it took a lot of courage. He checked out towards the end. We were getting into too many arguments and I felt like I couldn't speak my mind anymore without upsetting him. I should have realized something had changed..the warning signs were there. Whenever I asked though, he denied. Like some others, I felt like the dumpee. In the end it was for the best as it was bound to happen. Go with your gut if something seems off.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Hey, dreamer. Like I said in another thread, YES, I totally relate. The thing that worries me the most is that he doesn't do anything THAT bad. Pretty sure he would marry me if I wanted to. He doesn't lie, but he is mean to me in my opinion. Yep, I went through that internal dialogue many times. He's responsible, honest to a fault, doesn't sneak around in any way, commitment-minded and wanted to marry me, a man of his word. But he was mean and critical in certain ways. He said it was never intentional, and I believe that. But it didn't change how bad it made me feel. He is nice half the time and cranky the other half. My ex was like that, too. On some things he went above and beyond to figure things out and make them right. On other things, he just didn't get it, was fussy and critical, thoughtless. He thought he was being "helpful" with his criticisms, but I told him that doesn't help me in any way. I've been living in this unsure state for quite some time now and at the very least I was hoping that by ending the relationship I would be getting rid of the constant unsureness of where we stand. I hope I made the right choice and I'm not throwing away a good thing. I figured as the "dumper" I shouldn't be so sad but I am very sad and unsure of myself. I felt like this after I broke up with my ex the first time, back in January of last year. Then he asked for a second chance, and I said yes. It seemed very promising at first, but eventually the same dynamics and problems emerged, and I broke up with him again in October. I tried hard to meet him in the middle, but his pattern of brusque, inconsiderate behavior just got to be too much to tolerate. Of course, he said I'm overly sensitive. But I'm just being me. It is only now, 3 months later, that I'm starting to feel really OK about my decision. It was really hard for a while, though I was trying to be strong and power through. Now I feel I'm getting back on an even keel and being objective about it. Whatever happens from here, a little time to yourself to reflect and rejuvenate is not a bad thing! 3
espinoza0 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 My boyfriend broke up with me because he was separated from his wife and had to go back for the sake of the kids who are asthmatic and have to have the mother there the whole time (very long story). On new year's eve he broke up with me and gave me a very long hug, and tried to cheer me up. He said he is pretending not to be in pain, in order to just go forward. He is broke and has to work so hard to feed his family, so to speak, of 3 kids, and a wife that refused to work until just one year ago. Anyways, it was really a good question, and the answers really helped me. It was very grown up of him to do this, because I know he loves me very much. He published my book, so we still have some ties with each other; we started as friends; recently I felt the pain of losing him as a friend was WAY worse than losing him as a lover, and this is what I will tell him today. I was on the verge of going suicidal at the thought that I should not contact him anymore, and that is just not necessary anymore. He lives in a nearby country, so I do not have to worry about us getting into an infidelity situation, which I do not want to get into, neither for me nor for him. So, yes, it happens. Good luck. P.S. and yes, I still love him, and always will. You cannot shut off love, but I am pretty sure you can reason away the pain of loss. But the love will have to, and must be, and should be all there. As humans we are not possessions to be tossed when we are no longer the object of love. We can just love and be loved, regardless of where that other person is in our lives. Cheers.
Itspointless Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 If you decide to leave, make sure you tried everything possible to make it work. Finding mutual love is relatively rare, let alone finding it in a perfect package, with all your required boxes ticked. In my case her medical distress, circumstantial issues and her avoidant behaviour made her push me away. She even used her avoidant behaviour as an argument. I had been alone for an eon and she and I were perfect. Well except for her emotional-unavailability that I had the pleasure to discover. Knowing now about her emotional-unavailability - I can see some small red flags in the short period before that I interpreted otherwise - I wonder if it was destined to fail. It still makes me
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I'm slowly starting to feel slightly better about my decision. It's so hard though leaving someone you still have feelings for. But I'm going to do it because I've been in a limbo for a really long time now. 2
simba22 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I felt like this after I broke up with my ex the first time, back in January of last year. Then he asked for a second chance, and I said yes. It seemed very promising at first, but eventually the same dynamics and problems emerged, and I broke up with him again in October. I tried hard to meet him in the middle, but his pattern of brusque, inconsiderate behavior just got to be too much to tolerate. Of course, he said I'm overly sensitive. But I'm just being me. Your ex and the OP ex sounds like my ex who I just broke up with after 6 years. I have broken up with before and have learnt the hard way that these type of habits don't change (the honeymoon period always fades) When I read he said your overly sensitive this is something my ex would often say to me. Gave me a shudder when I read it Some people have said I am throwing away a good things because I had someone who loved me dearly, was always willing to change to some degree(yet was blind to see his faults with being inconsiderate and mean) and who gave me lots of affection etc. But my answer to those people was try live and have a relationship with these type of people and you will see its awful living on eggshells - imagine having to worry if you haven't closed the toothpaste lid properly???) Like a child parent relationship it felt like he was always trying to fix something about me - and his excuse would be "im just trying to make you a better person" it sucks big time to break up with someone who you love. I really still love him. I am glad I found this thread because it shows me people don't regret it. I am worried I will regret it. Though someone said to me if you have to question whether you want to stay or not is one red flag and then question if you will regret it if you leave is another answer. If it was really a mistake to leave you would know the minute you leave this person. There would be no umming and ahhing about it. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I broke up with 2 guys who I was crazy about because I came to realise that they didn't feel about me the way I felt about them, and it wasn't going to change. Fortunately I wasn't living with either of them so it was easier to walk away. The first one started dating a girl who, years later, I became friends with. He lead her a right dance for about 2 years until she came to her senses. When she needed cancer treatment it was I who went to the hospital with her, because he "couldn't deal with illness". I think I had a lucky escape there. I don't know what happened to the second one. Both times it hurt like stink and took me months to get over them.
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 It's been almost 2 weeks that I've been moved out of my exes house, about 4 weeks post break up and have maintained a low level of contact. I have to say that I already feel better about the decision to leave even after a short amount of time. My emotions do change each day though and a bad dream can ruin my day and make me miss him. We broke up many times, usually by my hand. He showed bad behaviour that crossed my boundaries that I blamed myself for for a long time. Before the breakup though I realized that he is just a mean person, at least to me anyways. And there was nothing I could do to make it better so it was time to leave. There is no saying what could happen in the future but I suspect that I won't want to get back together with him. I do feel better now because now no one has the power to ruin my day. If I have a really heavy work day with school and work I can focus on that instead of my relationship problems. It feels nice not to be criticized all of the time by someone who is in a bad mood for seemingly no reason. My ex wasn't all bad. Not at all. He did BIG things for me that no one has ever done before like buy me 2 cars on 2 different occasions, move away with me, etc. but he also never seemed to be happy and content. We didn't plan for the future because there are some fundamental differences in what we what out of life that we could never compromise on- mostly him wanting to live VERY rural and me wanting to live in a city (hence the name haha). He didn't want to break up and is still very upset that I ended things. He randomly texts me and gets angry and tells me I gave up a good thing but it boggles my mind that he cannot see how miserable he was every day with me. It's hard because I relied so much on him but each day I feel a bit better. I'm waiting for that month of NC mark where you get all worried and upset by the decision but I'm hoping that doesn't happen this time. If it does I hope to ride it out and come out on top.
Volthi10 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Hey, dreamer. Like I said in another thread, YES, I totally relate. My ex was like that, too. On some things he went above and beyond to figure things out and make them right. On other things, he just didn't get it, was fussy and critical, thoughtless. He thought he was being "helpful" with his criticisms, but I told him that doesn't help me in any way. I felt like this after I broke up with my ex the first time, back in January of last year. Then he asked for a second chance, and I said yes. It seemed very promising at first, but eventually the same dynamics and problems emerged, and I broke up with him again in October. I tried hard to meet him in the middle, but his pattern of brusque, inconsiderate behavior just got to be too much to tolerate. Of course, he said I'm overly sensitive. But I'm just being me. It is only now, 3 months later, that I'm starting to feel really OK about my decision. It was really hard for a while, though I was trying to be strong and power through. Now I feel I'm getting back on an even keel and being objective about it. Whatever happens from here, a little time to yourself to reflect and rejuvenate is not a bad thing! I feel you, My ex broke up with me because he said he was so tired of us fighting, mostly feels it was me who initiated and always made little things into big things, but like you I feel that some things he said would hurt me and I would react to them. I like you feel that Im just being me, he always said I was too sensitive and clingy. Perhaps I was, I am not perfect, but it's been the hardest thing to accept that he no longer wants to be with me. He wants us to be friends and wants me in his life, but its so hard for me to see him as just that. :/
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