chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I was being good. I picked up my laundry, I was going to put it away... I was keeping busy, I wasn't dwelling. Oh, that bottom drawer, that's filled with garbage and stuff that can be stored away (like a sweater my mom knit that's 3 sizes to large)! I can use that drawer and work on getting my life, my space and my s*** together! Garbage, garbage, oh this I'll put over there. What's this envelope? Oh a Valentine's day card. From the ex. From last year. So that would be 4 months before she started dating "lots of guys" and a year after we had moved into different places. 7 years after the Valentines day that brought us back together after our first serious breakup. What's it say? "Thanks for putting up with me and sticking it out I love you very much. I am happy we are still working on it and that you are here with me. Love, ****". How do I feel about this? * At first, not much of anything. I thought this was good, I think it might just be numbness * Anger: We worked hard at making it work. We worked hard at starting to build separate lives, but then went back and prolonged the inevitable * Guilt: I was never good at Valentine's day * Forgiveness for that guilt right there * Sadness: * More guilt: I knew MANY times this relationship was doomed. I didn't respect myself enough to end it. Let's turn this guilt into kindling for the fire that fuel the changes I want to make in myself * Loneliness: I want to txt her. Up until a few days ago, I would have (and wouldn't have given it a SECOND thought). Instead I came here. * Pride: I. came. here. I didn't txt her. I didn't overburden my friends that I've been leaning so heavily on these through this darkness (well, except one, but she happened to message me JUST as I found it... Sorry, E!). It's going into the box... the box of things that are painful reminders. The box that will get burned when I'm ready.
Author chalanting Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Still not feeling anything very strongly, but by this point I know what depression feels like. I'm already under the covers and I just want to sleep.
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