Allumere Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Just checked out your threads - is this the engaged ex? That would be a humongous mistake. NO! I have had only 4 ex's in my life (those would be exclusive relationships). My bipolar husband ran off with affair partner. Have never spoken to nor do I have the desire to speak with him. EX2 = LDR, never did "I love you", friends again about 4 months after breakup and still friends. He ended up dating a friends of mine and they are very happy together...have stayed with them when visiting the city. EX3 = (maybe this is where you saw "engaged"). Didn't speak for over a year. Met just recently to apologize. Happily married now. EX4 = This is the one I would be open to but if you read my last post that isn't even a possibility.
Allumere Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Big mistake! He dumped you, why would you want him back? btw, you will scare men away if you keep telling them you're not dating for fun and are looking to share your life with somebody. Why not try having fun and maybe then somebody will want to share their life with you. Huni, I am 45 years old, not 20. Will I go on dates for fun? Sure. But I know after the 3rd date (and sometimes by the end of the first) whether or not I have interest in pursuing. I don't have a timeline for marriage, but IMHO when the relationship becomes exclusive these are things you discuss. There is nothing wrong about stating why you are dating. In fact it is a question asked on many OLD sites (What are you interested in?" pen pal; frends, dating, LTR, etc). It's honest. There are folks that simply like to have a few people they can do things with, like movies or events and have no interest in an exclusive relationship. Or they know themselves well enough that they like variety or maybe they are starting a new life and don't want the responsibility of an exclusive relationship which is totally OK as long as the OP is aware of that. That said, the large percentage of people dating over a certain age are looking for a permanent partner in crime.
AnyaNova Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Feeling kind of weak right now. Though after my vitamin shots tomorrow this could change. I think I'd be willing to give him a hearing tonight. I miss him a little. Apparently, my levels get at all low, and I turn into an unrecoverable sap.
Onmymind Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 In life you really have to find the balance in things and situations. It also really depends on each of your situations including my own that is why still have trouble figuring out what I would do if my ex would ever come back looking to reconcile. If she came back and wanted to reconcile and had dated nobody else or done anything with anyone else after the break up with me, I would probably offer her a second chance but she would have to prove herself immensely. If she went to someone else after the break up, or as the break up was occurring I would tell her that she would have to spend a year at least to prove to me that she really wanted me to be the one to be with in her life and I would probably initially say that you went to someone else and settled for me?! Why would I want you back? If she came back and wanted to just be friends, I would tell her (no) I have plenty of friends, I don't need anymore. Like I said, it's really difficult to discern what one should do in this type of situation, everyone has a different ending everyone had a different relationship. If you really still love them, if you still feel like there's a slight chance that things could get better and be fixed, but I think some people do deserve a good second chance. Giving a second chance to someone doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're needy and it doesn't mean you're desperate, it just means that you have a good heart and you're willing to trust someone and that takes strength in itself!!! Trusting someone again is like taking a risk and I think strong people are those willing to take such risks people who just give up because it failed once might be understandable but also why? I think giving someone a second chance is a show of strength, if they continue to deceive you and to let you down and to betray you, then that's when you let go but a second chance is always worth it even if it doesn't work out because you realize that you were capable of developing such a strength in the first place! 4
singme2sleep Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I have to wonder how many would actually tell their ex to f*** off. Hypotheticals are great, but the real test is reality. I agree with you, it's hard to say just how one would react until the ex actually did reappear... As for me, he would have to cry at my feet then prove himself worthy of my heart again. He hurt me so deeply by walking away and I might always fear he'd do it again. 2
Never Again Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 "I never needed you, but when I was struggling and could've used your support...you abandoned me. Where was your compassion when I was down and out? When I stopped "taking the lead" to try and take care of myself, you never once asked why I'd stopped being happy, funny and carefree and had instead become stressed out, exhausted, and timid. You never asked why I'd become lazy, or why my communication with you had slowed down. I didn't realize I was tossing signs out there, but I was. I wanted you to ask why I had pulled away, because I didn't want to let you in until you did. So, before we go any further...I need to know why. Why didn't you talk to me when it mattered, and now that I've sorted it out and grown on my own while you went out and partied...why should I listen?" 1
amtz Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) It happened to me once she came back after 2 darn years! I said.... "I loved you to death!! It was endless days, months and nights in able to let you go! you know what happened?? Aside from me traveling, making tons of new friends, being in the best physical shape I have ever been ohhh and recently breaking with my most recent ex which was 10 times better than you in any aspect... Do you really want to know what happened?? NOTHING!!! You turned me into a better person and for that thanks! As for you and me I recommend you push forward as I did... Should it be much to ask from you to stop calling me or contacting by any means since it's more than clear that you and I are not friends since you didn't care what have I been up to these 2 past years.... Ohh by the way how was your traveling around the world?? Wasn't that one of the most important reasons you called it off?? To what I heard you didn't even traveled past the 200 miles drive. LOL good luck!" She was devastated after all this pleaded and cried gave a rats ass then give a rats ass now! Edited January 13, 2014 by amtz 1
george roy Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Myself, I couldn't go back right now, I'm too hurt and insecure after it all. I need to recover, though I still love him. Let's talk in a year, I would say. How about you? I'm assuming 'came back' means they wanted to reconcile. Now, they could say whatever they wanted. And every situation is different. I think I could at least listen, and go in with an open mind. Them coming back would give me the high ground, and I'd have to have all the cards on the table. And I'd have some questions that would need answers. No dodging of deflecting, but honest answers. The behavior, and the answers to those questions, would help decide which direction. If there were sincerity and real remorse for what and how it happened, I might be willing to consider it further. But it wouldn't happen overnight. And there would be a LOT of caution moving forward. Great thread. 1
sarbunoemi Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I would simply answer "No." I wouldn't waste my energy on him.
maturityassets Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 "It was a long time ago. Not interested sorry." and that's about it. No matter what she would say It wouldn't change my mind. I maybe let her talk because she need to vent but after that nothing else to do or say. Just tell her move on if anything.
the tank Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I will say to her : I've struggle to accept you lies to me about everything . I am happy with my life . Go f*** yourself.....
portableversion Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 It happened to me once she came back after 2 darn years! I said.... "I loved you to death!! It was endless days, months and nights in able to let you go! you know what happened?? Aside from me traveling, making tons of new friends, being in the best physical shape I have ever been ohhh and recently breaking with my most recent ex which was 10 times better than you in any aspect... Do you really want to know what happened?? NOTHING!!! You turned me into a better person and for that thanks! As for you and me I recommend you push forward as I did... Should it be much to ask from you to stop calling me or contacting by any means since it's more than clear that you and I are not friends since you didn't care what have I been up to these 2 past years.... Ohh by the way how was your traveling around the world?? Wasn't that one of the most important reasons you called it off?? To what I heard you didn't even traveled past the 200 miles drive. LOL good luck!" She was devastated after all this pleaded and cried gave a rats ass then give a rats ass now! Yeah cry me a river cause that's what I did over you.
radiodarcy Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 Nope. No more wiping the slate clean as we did during the relationship. There is no such thing as wiping the slate clean with him- - that slate was a huge indicator of how little he valued my feelings, my ideas, me. I highly doubt those sentiments - - or lack thereof have changed. No way am I going back to that nightmare of a relationship.
portableversion Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I would bring up trust issues, I'd say we made a vow before God to stay together until we were dead/forever, and you did nothing to work on our relationship in a meaningful way. Your solution was to start searching for a new man and as soon as you found the next one I was out. If you can't honor a vow before the supreme creator, there is no way I can trust you. All the lies and cruelty was just too much. If we do this it's moving forward very slowly and we need counseling and you need to goto church with me. Get right with God. HA many times after our divorce she had led me on thinking we would indeed get back together, but it was all lies, and more lies. She was married to her "friend" or "distraction" 11 months after our divorce. More than likely I'd call her a dirty knee whore and tell her to go away. Perhaps I'd just slam the door on her face and call the cops, and get a restraining order. But hey who knows a lot would have to happen she'd have to get a divorce, which very well could happen. She has no idea what it is to live with this man even as of now. Speedbump joined the army for some odd reason. Why would a lawyer join the infantry? I have a suspicion that they were planning on getting together, but with his huge debt load she said no way you need to pay this off so doormat joined the army for her. He has no idea what it is to live with her aswell. The odds of them getting divorced is really high. I am also working on my annulment, I've made some good progress. I just need to gather up a few dollars, and get a few more documents. Perhaps I'd just say I don't know who you are. I would not rule it out but things would be very different, I would no longer tolerate her running all over me, and her general misanthropy. Really her personality needs a lot of work. I've done a lot of work on myself to be a better person but she has done nothing other than start shagging a new man. Once the annulment is done the gloves are coming off, as of now I do have a moral obligation to be receptive but once it's done no way.
LadyM Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I have read through this thread and I am in awe of how strong-minded all of you are! There is such a big part of me that still wants to be with my ex if he came back, even though I know it would be a bad situation for me. All of you have my greatest admiration and I hope to be there one day, too. 1
H245 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I would tell my ex that she she destroyed all trust I had in her after the things she did to me and the 3 breakups we went through in 8 months together. I could never forget what she did to me. I have my issues with being clingy and overbearing, but it is something I am trying to work on. You can't fix broken trust unless they plan to move mountains for you the rest of their life. Actually scratch that, after 3 break ups, you can't fix trust at all...
ravssss Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 all i wanna tell her is ... " u were right when u called urself a drama queen "
singme2sleep Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I know you're supposed to "never say never" but I truly doubt he would ever try to reconcile. When I found out about his new girlfriend he texted me and I basically told him to go to hell and lose my number! I remember him offering empty apologies and saying he didn't mean to hurt me, so the last thing I said to him was "No I'm SORRY, sorry that I believed you were different." That was 9 months ago and we've had zero contact since I deleted him from social media. For all I know he's still with his rebound... I actually laugh sometimes when I think of all the bull**** she'll have to put up with. This is a great thread, even though we're speaking in hypotheticals. However I don't think that it works out (the 2nd time around) for the long term. But maybe somebody will one day prove me wrong. Hang in there my fellow dumpees/broken hearts.
freebird31 Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 idk....what i would say or do. the fact of the matter is, he left me and he left me with no answers. He said he was still attracted to me and had love for me, threw out a bunch of mixed signals. All in all, the last conversation we had, really hurt me. The trust is gone. The feelings are still there. But if he came back, and he wanted a second chance, it wouldnt be easy. He would have to work at it to really gain my trust. If that is even possible. If he didnt try to work at it, then theres no room for holding on anymore. That would be it. I cant say how I would act if he came back. Idk how I would feel inside if I were to even see him in person. Its been a long time now. Honestly, i dont know how i would act or what I would say. Could you really just give your heart to someone after they just threw it away the first time? If he really wanted me, i would give a second chance. But he would have to really prove himself. And it wouldnt be easy. I dont know. 1
Itspointless Posted January 13, 2014 Posted January 13, 2014 I honestly do not know what I would say. I do know that it would give me a big headache. 2
livingnightmare Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Did you fly here? You burnt all the bridges when you left! 1
lookingforbalance Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 "You burn bridges better than anyone I've ever met in my life." 1
somedude81 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Welcome back. From now on lets talk about our issues first before we make any decisions.
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